Tuesday, September 26, 2006


D. J .Dan Live Broadcast Transcription (09/24/06)

Prior to the D. J. Dan live broadcast the following messages were aired:

Announcer: This is Radio Harvest dot com. D. J. Dan is coming up. We’re just working out a few technical things. But, ah, he will be here.


Announcer: We still have a few things to set up and have a few technical things to work out but we are, ah, just moments away so just sit tight and listen to more music and we’ll be with you very shortly.


D. J. Dan intro music plays.

Singing: D. J. Dan

Johnny: Coming to you live from the final prediction of Nostradamus… it's D.J. Dan, shutting down the man.

D.J. Dan: Not just shutting down the man, Johnny

Johnny: Yes?

D.J. Dan: I said, not just shutting down the man...

Johnny: I heard you the first time, D.J. Dan. Uh, why are you staring at me? Okay, fine. Music please? Coming to you live...

Singing: D. J. Dan.

Johnny: From the prediction predicted to follow the final prediction of Nostradamus… It's D.J. Dan, shutting down THE man. Special Edition!

D. J. Dan: That's right Tonya, special edition. I'm feeling special!

Johnny: Special.

D.J. Dan: I’m feelin’ like I'm drinking lemonade on a Slip ‘n Slide through one of those twisty straws they had when you were a kid. Tonya?

Tonya: And you were in your thirties.

D.J. Dan: Oh, ho, ho… Tonya, that was a freebie Ton', next crack's gonna come out of your check.

Tonya: Ha, I get a check?

Johnny: Ha, ha ha!

D.J. Dan: Oh, Tonya. You know the straws I'm talking about Tonya, the ones that wrap around you like sunglasses, cooling and refreshing you even before your drink reaches your parched palette, and makes you wanna SING!

Tonya: Oh Lord.

D.J. Dan: I said, makes you wanna sing in your mellifluous, flowing baritone voice.

Johnny: Not good.

D.J. Dan: Alright alright alright, maybe the soothing sounds of my golden voice aren't what the people need right now, after all, I'm here to incite! Can I have an amen?

All: Amen!

D.J. Dan: Can I get a witness?

Someone: Yeehee!

D.J. Dan: Back to topic...

Johnny: Witness.

D.J. Dan: I know you're all wondering, what makes tonight's show so special? What could it be? Tonya, do you have a guess?

Tonya: Uh, Pluto's demotion to dwarf planet?

D.J. Dan: Tonya, enough with the dwarf planet stuff, I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, it's a conspiracy, wrapped in a hoax, perpetuated by the man. Anyone worth his frozen sea salt knows that Pluto is neither a planet, a Dwarf Planet, or a little planet or a gnome planet. It's a sentry base station conveniently dropped into orbit by the Procleons from Alpha Centauri. And Lords of Kobald help us; when that power coupling between said base station and the so-called "Moon" is repaired and the Prosleons spot our juicy blue backyard...ha ha ha. But once again, could you possibly guess what kind of special guest would make the show so very special?

Tonya: Uh, Ralph Macchio time warped in from 1984.

D.J. Dan: Wrong! Johnny, sweep the leg. Conspiraspies, many of you already know, but for those of you who don't, we have Rachel Blake, I'll say it again, Rachel Blake, no, Johnny's gonna say it, Johnny…

Johnny: Rachel Blake! Ah, Persephone.

Dan: Ah, Persephone. Conspiraspy of the year, a hacker extraordinaire, videographer of vigilance, the painter of life, no wait, that's Thomas Kinkade...

Johnny and Tonya: Laughing in background.

D.J. Dan: Uh, the light of my life, my PYT, my bride-to-be, a crusader against the unspeakable evils of my arch nemesis...

Johnny: (Sinister music) The Hanso Foundation.

D. J. Dan: Rachel Blake folks. I don't know where she is but she'll be here live tonight to answer the questions we've been dying to ask. Questions like "What is the deal with Alvar Hanso's beard?" Are those stylish hair follicles in fact made of weapons grade plutonium? Only Rachel knows. She's gonna be calling in later tonight. I don't know when, stay tuned, right here on RadioHarvest.com. I can't wait. But, why don't we go ahead and start off the show with a little segment that I like to call...

Johnny: Conspiraspies in the news.

Sound of ticker-tape news machine…

D.J. Dan: Ahhh, yes. Tonya, can I have the first headline please?

Tonya: Bo- Bogorrah: Leprechaun theme park for Jackson.

Johnny: Aye, Bagorrah.

Tonya: Ha, looks like Michael Jackson has taken a liking to the wee folk of Ireland. The Thriller singer who left the U.S. for the Mid-East following his acquittal on sex charges has been spending time on the Emerald Isle recently, and is looking into buying an estate there, possibly a castle, according to reports. What's more, he's supposedly interested in opening up a leprechaun-inspired theme park.

D.J. Dan: Conspiracy! For starters, enough with the theme parks. You want a theme park, pal? Pull back that veil and try the "Man in the Mirror." Ah ha ha ha ha, but back to the conspiracy, folks. Now folks, I've been talking about this for years. But has anyone else noticed in Michael Jackson's videos and movies - rainbows everywhere. What is the deal? The cover of "Moonwalker," rainbow. "Captain EO," spreading the rainbows! And why Johnny? Johnny?

Johnny: Leprechauns?

D.J. Dan: Leprechauns!

Johnny: Leprechauns!

D.J. Dan: Leprechauns. Jacko is in bed with the leprechauns, no pun intended. How else do you think he does that move, that move, the lean? Come on folks, I tried it once and you know what they called it? The fall. Next!

Tonya: Gurnee, Illinois, from the AP. Why wait in line when you can just eat a cockroach? That's the question Six Flags Great America is asking thrill seekers during the Halloween-themed Fright Fest. The amusement park is daring customers to eat a live, Madagascar hissing cockroach in exchange for unlimited line-jumping privileges.

D.J. Dan: Alright, Scam! Scam. Scam. Scam. Scam. Scam. This is not the first time, the first one the roaches have tried to pull on us, folks. Conspiraspies, if you know anything about roaches, you'll know that no matter how much you chew, how much you stomp, you just can't kill them. It's impossible, they can't die. They are the oldest things on the planet. Older than dirt, older than water, older than gravity. Why do you think the dinosaurs died out? Don't eat the roaches people. That's what they want, a way in! I'm afraid pretty soon you'll be seeing a seventh flag flying in Gurnee, that's right. The twisted flag of the roach eh- Johnny, could I have an Imperial March here for a second?

Johnny: Eh, uh, yes... Dun, dun dun, dunt, dun, dun, dun. Is this the one?

D.J. Dan: The twisted flag of the roach empire! Ah.

Johnny: Dun, dun, dun, dunt, dun, dun.

D.J. Dan: (Falsetto:) Ahhhh! (Continues in his normal voice) Very good. Next! Next headline.

Tonya: Power companies give squirrels a jolt.

D.J. Dan: Whoo-hoo!

Tonya: Allentown, Pennsylvania. From the AP. Shocking news, squirrels and power lines don't mix. The coops of pesky rodents are a leading cause of unplanned outages. They chew through power lines, fry themselves by completing electrical circuits and generally wreak havoc on power grids. The.. "Zap Shield" is an $11 polymer disk that arrived on the market some three years ago, and delivers a non-lethal electrostatic jolt to any varmint touching it.

D.J. Dan: Varmint! Hoax, hoax, folks, folks - this one's serious. I just want you all to sit down, here. Sit down if you're standing up please. Mom, that's right. We all know that gamma rays do some pretty awful things, man. We know what it did to Bruce Banner. That's right. They turned him into Lou Farrigno. Bill Bixby. Gamma rays. Lou Farrigno.

Sound of electrical static…

D.J. Dan: And I'll be the first to tell you, squirrel DNA, it don't take that much. That's right. We're gonna have the furry, flying, killer green death machines chomping at our throats! I say caveat squirrelus, my friends. Better a dead squirrel than a deadly, super squirrel. Don't say D.J. Dan didn't warn you. Next headline, Tonya.

Johnny: Super squirrel!

Laughter in background…

D. J. Dan: Gamma Squirrel!

Tonya: Phone telepathy, you knew it was true. Norwich, England. Reuters. Many people have experienced the phenomenon of receiving a telephone call from someone shortly after thinking about them. Now a scientist says he has proof of what he calls telephone telepathy. Rupert Sheldrake whose research is funded by the respected Trinity College of Cambridge said on Tuesday he had c-con (mup) condu, excuse me, conducted experiments that proved that such precognition existed…

D.J. Dan: All right, all right, all right! Scam. Scam. Scam. Scam. Folks, I get it, I get it. You're, you're saying, “Whoa, what is this about-face? Is D.J. Dan refuting telepathy?” But I'm not! I'm not refuting telepathy. What I'm saying is any study done by a guy named Rupert is obviously tainted. Tonya, wasn't Rupert Sheldrake the name of the character that Fred MacMurray played in “The Apartment?”

Johnny: Ha!

Tonya: Really?

Dan: Yeah! Absolutely it's false, it's a scam, and I'm shutting it down. We all know this, we grew up learning this. It's a scientific fact that Ruperts receive 90% of their phone calls from their mothers. That ain't telepathy folks. Rupert sat by the phone, thought "Mom" and then "Oh my God! A call from Mom! And my name is Rupert!" That's right Rupert…

Johnny: (Laughing) Rupert Sheldrake.

Tonya: Aww.

D.J. Dan: That's right, Rupert Sheldrake, "Hi Rupert, its mom! Did you eat your beans today?" This ain't telepathy folks, it's creepy! It's creepy, but it ain't telepathy. Ah, give me another, give me another headline Tonya, I'm sick of this Rupert.

Tonya: Shanghai. It's a big pajama party. Shanghai. Reuters. People wearing pajamas in public, still a common sight in Shanghai is one of the most irritating aspects of life in China's biggest city.

D.J. Dan (singing in Sha-na-na style voice): Pajama, pa-a-a-jama, pajama, pa-a-a-jama.

Tonya: According to an opinion poll…

D.J. Dan: Ahhh, conspiracy, conspiracy. You wanna know what's going on in Shanghai? Two words… pod people. Next!

Tonya: The Lost Experience ends September 24th.

D.J. Dan: Hmmm… Is that tonight?

Tonya: The multi-platform interactive phenomenon “The Lost Experience,” will come to a climactic close on September 24th with a live, worldwide radio Internet broadcast hosted by the renegade D.J. Dan.

D.J. Dan: Wait a minute, wait a minute, read me a little more, what's it say there, what else does it say there?

Tonya: It says that you are hosting…

D.J. Dan: Oh my God, you know Tonya, you know Tonya, this really bothers me. Every day for the past five months I have had to get up in the morning and stare at headlines calling my life a work of fiction. And just listen to this ball of lies they're chucking at our heads on the famed geek-out Internet site, the Lostpedia. That's right; it's a wiki-wiki site.

(Lost title music plays in background.)

D.J. Dan: "A character in the Lost Experience, D.J. Dan hosts a podcast about various subjects relating to the experience, including the Hanso Foundation and its many projects." Oh, it goes on! According to this, we're all characters. Every one of us sitting in this room, apparently created by some screenwriter named Josen- Jordan Rosenheimer, and that yippin' yappin'-

Johnny: Ya, da da da da da da. ( To the tune of John Jacob Heimer Scmidt)

D.J. Dan: -and that yippin' yappin' son of a nerfhearder, Javier Grillo-Marxuach. I mean, have you seen this guy? He's some sort of half-man half-bear creature with those beady eyes and that high tin-pot voice. I have half a mind to make him... Johnny, I need it, give it to me.

Johnny: Eh, uh, give you what? Oh! Oh! That. The mythical beastie of the day.

D.J. Dan: Yeah, take that Marxuach. But I'll come back to that. Because Tonya, you know what this does to me?

Tonya: Oh no.

D.J. Dan: You know how this makes me feel?

Tonya: Please, Dan, spare us.

D.J. Dan: The voices are dancing in my head and I gotta, I need to, I need to just…

Johnny: Let it out!

Dan: Don't you get it people? The Lost Experience is a hoax, a conspiracy, and a scam all rolled up into one. These small-minded people, these executives, and executive producers, and non-writing executive producers, and writing executive producers, and directing producers, and supervising producers, and co-producers, they have the gall to believe that they can put one over on you and me, the consumer. They have the sheer contempt to believe all it takes to hide the truth about their relationship with that nefarious organization, that VW Bug full of evil clowns, the people I call my arch-nemeses…

Johnny: (Sinister music) The Hanso Foundation.

D.J. Dan: They believe all it takes to hide the truth about their support for Thomas Mittelwerk and Alvar Hanso and all their evil schemes is to wrap it up in a pretty bow and call it, quote, “The Lost Experience.” Well I'm not gonna take it lying down conspiraspies, can't you see, it's slight of hand, it's the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist, well folks, ABC has one-upped him and they gave him his own TV show. What better way to obscure the truth than to put it on TV? Nobody with half a brain believes anything they see on TV is real, right? Not even the reality shows! So, of course, my life, your life, Rachel Blake's life. And if that wasn't what they were relying on, if Lost isn't real, then the Lost Experience isn't real, right. And Rachel Blake isn't. And Hanso, and the foundation, and Mittelwerk, nor his plot to kill 30% of the human race. Well that's just fine and dandy, but it ain't the truth. It's about control, conspiraspies, the Merovingian had their number, they take, they-they take me, they take Rachel, and there we are, threatening their very existence, so they pull a Bobby Ewing, that's right. You wake up to find ABC and Lost standing in your shower, telling you that the fight you've been fighting, the evil you've been outing, it's all part of a game. It's just a fiction dreamed up by Javier Grillo-Marxuach and Jordan Rosencrance.

Tonya: Uh, Dan, I think it's Rosenburg.

D.J. Dan: Rosenheimer, Rosenbuck, Burkenshtock, it doesn't matter. If anyone is a figment of anyone's imagination it's this writer, this Jordan Rosenbaum.

Johnny: Burg....Steve!

D.J. Dan: Dreamed up by Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse. And like our good friend Rachel said, they should be ashamed. So now I guess anything in your life you want to pretend isn't real, you can just call it the Blank Experience, right? Like, I had a doughnut today, maybe it was just the Croner Experience? It's not gonna show up in my butt tonight, no, not at all!

Tonya: Oh, Dan...

D.J. Dan: That exists in reality, right now. It's like saying "Hey, going to a Cubs game with Johnny, that exists in reality, but now, it's an experience, it's the Cut-Johnny-Off-by-the-Fifth-Inning Experience." And winning means Johnny can drive himself home.
Johnny: Clean and sober.

D.J. Dan: You see what I'm getting at? Life is not entertainment people. Life is life. The stakes are real. If the Hanso Foundation gets away with what it's doing, a third of my audience vanishes. Now I can hear you thinking it, conspiraspies: "DJ Dan, prove it. Prove to us that you're real." Well ask yourselves if I were truly a fictional character, an overweight fictional character such as I am with a professed love for powdered doughnuts, would I really have cut those bastards out of my diet? Would I? No! Because fictional characters don't worry about their fictional health. If I wasn't real, would I really settle for this home-delivered, fat-restricted, carb-counted, sugar-stripped, nasty, disgusting, wheat germ, vulgar, parsley-filled (yeah I said parsley Tonya, and you know how I feel about parsley), starch-free, tasteless hockey puck of a diet plan?

Tonya: You love it.

Dan: So I can somehow convince my blushing, and now paling in revulsion, bride to look at me in my boxers without suppressing a giggle? If I wasn't real, would I not have cast two adorable, gorgeous child actors to play my kids? Would I, would they not have the eyes of Jack and the cheekbones of Sawyer? I can't even find their damn cheekbones! Reality, my friends, is pain, and worry, and struggle. But the struggle, my friends, the work, to free ourselves from the bonds of the man: that is our freedom, that is our joy, and there is no freedom in delusion. There is no freedom on your couch, except for right now, I'm bringing the fight to your couch. I'm bringing the, quote, “Lost Experience,” a.k.a. the HARSH TRUTH OF REALITY, to your doorstep. You know, a wise man once said, "There's only one man wiser than I, and that man, is DJ Dan".

Johnny: And that man was me.

D.J. Dan: How can you argue with that?

Johnny: You can't.

D.J. Dan: Conspiraspies, we're here on RadioHarvest.com. The Hanso Foundation tried jamming us earlier today, we have thwarted them, we are on. We're going to come back, I'm gonna take your calls. I want to hear your thoughts, your rants, your raves. When we return, you're going to be on the line with me. Folks, it's time for a song about the Man.

Song: "For What it's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield plays.

Singing: D.J. Dan

Johnny: Coming to you live, from the bridge of the Battlestar Conspira-sub-spa-con-(Laughter). Can we do that again, DJ Dan?

D.J. Dan: Let's try that again now, try.

Johnny: Okay, here we go (cough, laughter)

Singing: D.J. Dan

Johnny: Coming to you live, from the bridge of the Battlestar Conspiraspy, it's D.J. Dan, shutting down the Man! And now, my good, close, personal friend, D.J. Dan.

Dan: Yes, it wouldn't be a D.J. Dan broadcast without at least one false start, would it, Johnny?

Johnny: Uh, I don't know what you're talking about, that was perfect!

Dan: Exactly... it was fantastic! And now, if you're hearing spooky music, you know what that spooking means, don't you?

Johnny, D.J. Dan and Tonya make ghost sounds.

D.J. Dan: Tonya, what do you think that music means?

Tonya: We got our budget cut again?

D.J. Dan: Yeah, it sure sounds like it, doesn't it, but no, one of these days, Tonya, to the dwarf moon of the dwarf planet Pluto. To the Moon of Pluto!

Johnny: The dwarf moon of Pluto!

D.J. Dan: Uh, yeah that's not it's name, it's Kay-ron or Kai-ron, or...

Johnny: Shai-ron.

D.J. Dan: Or is it Charon?

Johnny: Charbroiled.

Tonya: Doesn't it have a nickname?

D.J. Dan: Folks, folks, but let's not, let's not forget the topic here, the topic here is why are we hearing this incredibly mellifluous music?

Johnny: Oh, oh… music.(Makes more ghost sounds.)

D.J. Dan: That can only mean it's time for our?

Johnny: Area 51 update.

D.J. Dan: That's right, Conspiraspies, it's time to find out what's happening in Dreamland, Groom Lake, Watertown Strip. You may know it as Area 51, but any way you slice it, it's time to get old Marvin the Earthling on the line!

Johnny: He's walking into our studios now.

D.J. Dan: Uh, Marv?

Marvin: Hi, guys.

D.J. Dan: Uh, Marv...

Marvin: Uh, oh, you got a shoe rule?

Laughter in the background.

Marvin: Oh, just, no, I'll just go ahead and take 'em off.

D.J. Dan: Marv, Marvin, what are you do-, what are you doing here? You can't leave Area 51 in the hands of the Man, man! I mean, they could be planning extraterrestrial landings and takeovers, and they could be turning the freakin' Mojave… uh, is it, is it the Mojave? (Siren in the background.)

Marvin: Yeah, yeah it's the Mojave.

D.J. Dan: Ah, okay, ah, well, they could be turning it into a giant Zen rock garden, for all we know! They, they could be planning on taking out Vegas. Tonya, get Cirque de Soleil on the line, stat!

Tonya: Do those people even talk?

Dan: Marvin, Marvin I'm busy here. Rachel Blake is going to be calling in in a few minutes and...

Marvin: Now, DJ, listen. No, no! But listen, wait. What I'm saying is, D.J. Dan, is that, you know, what with the space-time continuum Quantum Leap Funka-tude, and all the weird machines they got out there and everything, what, what I'm saying is what if I still am at Area 51 and here at the same time? And what if I'm about to be calling you right about... ?

Tonya: Dan? We've got Marvin the Earthling on Line 4... Marvin, go...

D.J. Dan: No no no no, put him on shut down, SHUT DOWN!! Haven't you people, has nobody here seen Time Cop?! If Marvin there talks with Marvin here, then over the phone, we're talking massive rip in the space-time continuum, the kind you can't fix with a, with a Van Damme split!

Johnny: Rippidy-dippidy-doo!

D.J. Dan: Well, huge! Thank God we got that in order. Jeepers, it's like the entire show's falling apart. Marv, as long as you're here, we'd better keep you here. You got any radio skills?

Marvin: Uh, nope, but, uh, um, I am in fact an expert on "The Lost Experience".

D.J. Dan: A little something I like to call Reality.

Marvin: Uh, riight...right.

D.J. Dan: The So-called Experience.

Marvin: So, look. If, if you don't mind, I'll just sit over here in the corner, um, as quiet as Schrödinger’s Cat, and I will, uh, wait until my services are needed, D.J. Dan.

D.J. Dan: Well, okay, that's what I'm saying, because Marvin the Earthling's an expert on this, if there's something I don't know, Marvin's going to know it, folks, so you just try and call us and we'll see what happens. I'm going to take your calls.

Marvin: Stump me.

D.J. Dan: So, folks, I'm oing to open up the phone lines, and I'm going to talk about this so-called "Experience", about the Hanso Foundation, rather, as I like to call them, my arch nemeses...

Johnny: Oh, gi-gimme another second here!

D.J. Dan: Alright, folks, let's try that again...

Johnny: Hold on, hold on...

D.J. Dan: I'm going to talk about my arch nemeses...

Johnny: Hold on, hold on, hold on... can I have ano--God, the music...

D.J. Dan: Folks, we're gonna have the calls here first. We're going to be talking about my arch nemeses:

Johnny: (Laughter) (Sinsiter music) The Hanso Foundation... yeah!

D.J. Dan: Wow, that was a long road for that piece.

Johnny: It was the music, I had to have my music.

D.J. Dan: Folks... here's the thing, you've seen the video, what does it mean? When is Rachel planning on, on releasing the...? When is Thomas Werner Mittelwerk planning on releasing that virus, ok... I want to know what's going on with that guy. Do the authorities know? I sent my completed version of that video to every government spook stooge, official and non-official I know, so far, not a peep. Is Mittelwerk still running the joint? We haven't heard a thing from The Hanso Foundation since September 8th! Is Mittelwerk on the run? Is he right? What do you guys think? I mean, if it's true, we're all going to die in say, 2012? You know, the Mayans predicted an apocalypse then, that, that would it be the right thing to do to eighty-six 30% of the population? Whatever's going on with this Mittelwerk creep, I don't like it, folks. I feel like Tom Skerritt in the airplane with the flame thrower, the alien is getting closer and closer with the beeping and the booping and the beeping... and I don't like it. Oh, lord, folks!! Someone get me a brown paper bag! I'm going to take some calls, who do we have on the line?

Tonya: Line 15, it's Idan from... (beep, beep, beep – disconnected sound)

D.J. Dan: Ohh, lost Idan. Who else do we have?

Tonya: Line 14, Mike from N.Y.

D.J. Dan: Is this Mike from N.Y? You're on the air with D.J. Dan.

Mike: Yeah, this is Mike from N.Y., how you guys doing?

Johnny: We have a call.

D.J. Dan: We have a call, ladies and gentlemen. Mike, we're doing great, yeah, we're just running on Mountain Dew and Red Bull here. What are you running on?

Mike: Ah, I'm running pure spirit, to shut down The Man.

D.J. Dan: Ha ha, excellent. So tell us what can we do you for tonight, what do you want to talk about.

Mike: Um, well, we're actually involved with this band, we're called the Abberlines.

Johnny: Shameless self-promotion.

D.J. Dan: That's right. Please use my airspace to promote your band! Cuz that's what I live for...

Mike: Listen guys, our main message is, we want you to shut down The Man. I need a favor from you, D.J. Dan.

D.J. Dan: You need a favor from me, what do you need there?

Mike: I need you guys to send out some D.J. Dan t-shirts so that everyone who sees us knows what we're all about.

D.J. Dan: You know what? I'm sorry, but this is way too commercial, even for me, as I drink my uh my my Sprite, and drive home in my Jeep Compass. I'm going to have to shut you down, please talk to our screener. Thank you, good night, shut down! Next call, who do we have?

Tonya: Line 9, The Fox, from San Diego.

D.J. Dan: The Fox... from San Diego.

The Fox: Hi!

D.J. Dan: Yes, hi, The Fox! How are you tonight, The Fox?

Johnny: (laughing) Improper syntax.

The Fox: Hello, there. I'm doing pretty good, how's it goin’, Dan?

D.J. Dan: Well, so far so good. If you have a question, or some sort of music for me that'll serve as content, I'll be even better. Whatcha got?

The Fox: I've got a question. As you know, I've taken many pictures of The Hanso Foundation with my specially made camera here...

D.J. Dan: Oh, really.

The Fox: Yeah. And for some reason, every time I do? They look like stick figures and I'm not quite sure why.

D.J. Dan: Shut Down! They look like stick figures, and you don't quite know why? I don't understand, what are you using, mammography?? For the love of God! Get a real camera, get a digital ca--I thought I--wait a second, are you still on the air?

Johnny: We shut him down.

D.J. Dan: I hope we shut him down! I could hear The Fox!

Johnny: Would you like to shut him down again?

D.J. Dan: Let's shut him down again.

Johnny: Shut down.

(Laughter in studio)

D.J. Dan: OK, The Fox, you're off the air. Gimme, gimme another call. Are you still on the air, The Fox?

Johnny: Shut down not working.

Tonya: Ha, ha ha!

D.J. Dan: Christ, the entire show has gone to Hell in a bucket! Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot shut down The Fox! Perhaps he's a goon of The Hanso Foundation. Let's have another call, who do we have?

Tonya: Line 13, Monte, from N.Y.

D.J. Dan: Monteeeeeeeeee! from NY. How you doin’ ?

Monte: Hi, is this D.J. Dan?

D.J. Dan: Monte. You know last time, I shut you down very rudely.

Monte: No you didn't.

D.J. Dan: No? I shut down a Monte.

Monte: You said my name, and I was honored.

D.J. Dan: Oh, excellent. Oh, Monte, you, you are taking the express lane to my heart. What can I do for you tonight?

Monte: I have a question for you that appeals to the D.J. side of your talent.

D.J. Dan: Excellent, excellent. A sadly underused side of my talent. Let's hear it.

Monte: I, I'm dying to know, where I can get a copy of Geronimo Jackson's original album, Magna Charta.

D.J. Dan: Well, you know, Geronimo Jackson Magna Charta is almost as rare as Keith Strutter's original album for his band, the Kharma Imperative, we all know this.

Monte: Yes, yes we do. You mentioned that on the last broadcast.

D.J. Dan: I believe that it's actually an incredibly rare pressing. I don't know how many records were actually put out of the original Magna Charta. I mean, frankly, you know, I think we all know where at least one printing of that record is, am I right, Monte?

Monte: I--I trust you, DJ Dan, but I normally live in San Francisco and Haight Asbury cannot locate that album, and I've tried!

D.J. Dan: I know Monte, but I don't know.. I think when this entire thing with The Hanso Foundation has come to an appropriate conclusion; we're going to make it our life's mission to track down Geronimo Jackson, but until then? Monte, I'm gonna have to shut you down.

Monte: D.J. Dan? Ah.

D.J. Dan: You know, you're on, still on. Come on, say it!

Johnny: You're unshut.

D.J. Dan: No, we shut him down, he's gone.

Johnny: (laughing) Oh, he's shut.

D.J. Dan: Alright, um, folks, you know what? We've taken a couple of calls, but I'm going to take another call. I'm feeling generous tonight. Let's do another one, what do we got.

Tonya: Line 1, Mark from Toronto.

D.J. Dan: Mark from Toronto, what do we got for you. (silence) Mark from Toronto? You're on the air with DJ Dan.

Tonya: Eh?

D.J. Dan: No? We don't have Mark from Toronto. OK, let's get another call. Who do we have?

Tonya: Kyle, from Hudson, New Hampshire, Line 7.

D.J. Dan: Kyle, Kyle XY! Oh wait, that’s on another network.

Johnny: Ah, he's got a dreamy belly button, no, dreamy blue eyes.

D.J. Dan: No, that's right, he doesn't have a belly button, yes.

Johnny: Sans belly button.

D.J. Dan: Kyle, you're on the air with D.J. Dan, what do you got to say to me. (silence) Kyle? You're on the air. You got anything? Oh, Kyle, we've made jokes about a TV show with your name, and you're not even there. Give me another call, who do we have.

Tonya: Line 14, Joe from Oregon.

D.J. Dan: Joe from Oregon. (TV on in background) Joe? You're on the air with DJ Dan LIVE!

Johnny: Joe?

D.J. Dan: Well, Joe's family is having a big party listening to D.J. Dan.

Joe: Yeah, we're having a huge party.

D.J. Dan: Well, Joe, what can we do for you? I'm D.J. Dan, you're Joe.

Joe: Right on. This is Hector, and uh, we've got a special guest here to talk to you. DJ Lena has got some questions for you.

D.J. Dan: Well, let's hear the questions FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Johnny: He has guests.

Joe: Hello?

Lena: Hey Dan, what's up!

D.J. Dan: Not much, it'll get a lot better when you tell me what you got! Come on, I need content. It's all greetings.

Lena: I was wondering if I could expose you.

D.J. Dan: Yes, you can expose me.

Johnny: Ohhh, please do not! (Laughter) Sitting right across from me.

Tonya: We do not want to see that!

D.J. Dan: We have kids in the studio, for the love of God. Whataya got for me?

Lena: Speaker told me, he passed the word along.

D.J. Dan: Well, what did Speaker tell you, about what? I need to hear something from you, what's going on?

Tonya: Who's Speaker?

Lena: I think that you are full of bull myself. I think you wag the dog.

D.J. Dan: Uh I think I wag the--you think I wag the--You know what I wag?? I wag the Shut Down!

Johnny: Oh you uh, oh you want the shut down.

D.J. Dan: I wag the, I wag nothing! Gimme another call!

Tonya: Chuck from Austin.

D.J. Dan: Chuck from Austin.

Tonya: Line 9.

D.J. Dan: Line 9, let's hear from Chuck. Chuck from Austin.

Chuck: (Load static feedback) Hey, DJ Dan.

D.J. Dan: Whoa, turn it down, buddy! Nice shootin’ there, Tex! Whatcha got?

Chuck: Whoa, a little loud over there. This is Chuck from Austin over here.

D.J. Dan: Hi Chuck from Austin.

Johnny: Actually his name.

D.J. Dan: Yes, let's here it, whatcha got for me. (silence) Chuck? Chuck? Did we cut Chuck--Chuck?

Tonya: Chuck?

Johnny: Get an ambulance over here. (Ambulance siren)

D.J. Dan: Oh God, God, they got Chuck! The Hanso Foundation got Chuck! I didn't even shut this guy down!

Johnny: Go ahead.

D.J. Dan: Screeners, if Chuck calls again, I need to talk to Chuck, I want to know what Chuck from Austin had to say. But folks, you know, these calls only lead me to one thing. I'd like to talk to you something about this. They're creamy, they're chocalicious, they're full of messages from Rachel Blake. But if you're like me, Conspiraspies, you know that somewhere in the back of your minds, that something's just not right with scarfing down four Apollo bars in 26 seconds, I mean, even I know when I've crossed the line. And the reason? Hidden addictive substances. Mind control substances not listed in the, the wrapper of your Apollo bar. That's right, folks. It's time for a little something that I like to call (Sound of a bugle):

Johnny: Top 5 Mind Control Substances in the Apollo Bar.

D.J. Dan: That's right, folks. Things that are not listed. We looked at some, ah, reports, we did some analyses, folks, and we got our resident PhD, Louis, to analyze a simulated Apollo chocolate, he's also our roadie, and you'll never believe some of these ingredients he found. LYMON. Number 5, Lymon. No surprise here. Lymon, practically invented by the Apollo Candy Company. It, it it is a conspiracy by The Hanso Foundation. Those of you who have been following the work of Dr. Hackett, remember, he split over a Lymon-related dispute with Dr. Mittelwerk. Number 4…

Johnny: Xanthum gum.

D.J. Dan: I knew it! I don't know what this is, I don't know what it does, it might be an emulsifier, it might be a viscosifier. You ask me, it sounds like something out of a Pierce Anthony novel. Lord knows the man likes to write about mind control. Number 3:

Johnny: Parsley.

D.J. Dan: Noooooo! (Tonya laughs) It can't be! Tonya, you put parsley on the list! You know how I feel about parsley! Luis, was there anything worse, Luis?

Tonya: Maybe it was Jordan Rosenberg.

D.J. Dan: Rosenheimer. Number 2, now this makes sense, all the sense in the world:

Tonya: Perfect.

Johnny: Doughnut extract.

D.J. Dan: Very addictive. I, I, I should know, but on the plus side, recent studies show that doughnut extract cures baldness.

Johnny: D.J. Dan was in the control group.

(Studio laughter)

D.J. Dan: Oh, shut up. Oh, finally, I don't know how they did it, I don't know why they did it, but somewhere between my 3rd and 4th bars, I couldn't shake the feeling that old Jamie Farr was dancing around in my head. That's right, the most prevalent secret mind control ingredient in the Apollo bar is: Season One of M*A*S*H! I'll hand it to the lethal Hanso scientists, they're good! If you don't believe me, just try it for yourself. Take a bite of your Apollo bar right now, and tell me you don't see Clinger in drag. You can't. You can’t! Folks we’re going to do a little song about the man. We’ll be back in a few.

"Trampled Underfoot" by Led Zeppelin plays

Voice: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0… Ignition! Liftoff!

(Laughter by Tonya.)

Singing: D. J. Dan

Johnny: Ha, ha. From the destroyed fourth wall... it's D.J. Dan, Shutting Down The Man! And now here he is, D.J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: We have all seen the Sri-Lanka video. Some of us spent weeks trying to put that little sucker together. We've all seen the lecture that Mittelwerk gave. We know all about the “numbers” and the Valenzetti Equation. Johnny's been getting a lot of e-mail, a lot of frantic messages, so has Tonya...

Johnny: Keep ‘em coming.

D. J. Dan: You know what? Everyone wants to know one thing. They want to know, 'What should I do if I encounter The Numbers?' Folks! First of all, do not put the numbers in a song, or rap or a mashup. Fenris! My eyes are on you! You should know by now that the Numbers are sensitive! All you'll do is enrage them and remind them how they were cut off from the first round of American Idol tryouts last year! I mean, when the only good thing that Paula can say is that she likes your choice of bowler and spats, and that perhaps you should continue your day job as a representational string of values, representing the core environmental and human factors in the Valenzetti Equation, Ooh, that's gotta be a blow. Folks, number 2. Do not ask for a photograph! Do not ask for an autograph. If you're going to compliment them, don't walk up and talk about the Numbers' early work. And by all means, do not talk about 23's gambling problem. That's between 23 and 42. 3: If they’re in a fortune cookie, do not eat the cookie!! In fact, you may want to reconsider the whole meal. I'm talking Ipecac, people.

Johnny: Ipecac.

D. J. Dan: That's, you know that’s what I'm saying. You can't be too careful. If you find the Numbers in a fortune cookie, folks, that meal's a rental not a purchase, if you know what I'm saying. Number 4, if you're a freshman in high school and the Numbers just happen to be your locker combination, transfer! You're in for a world of swirlies, my little friend. You're on the express train to Farmer Ted country.

(Studio laughter)

D. J. Dan: And if you're a senior, and the freshman whose locker you decided to steal and use for your own has a combination that's the Numbers, pick a different kid, O.K.? You're about to become Chet, if you know what I'm saying. And 5, if you happen to see these numbers appear on a receipt for your signature, do noy sign it! Whatever you bought, return it! Run out of the store screaming. And if it's a meal?

Johnny: Er, uh, if it's a meal?

D. J. Dan: Ipecac!

Johnny: Ipecac. Oh, Ipecac.

D. J. Dan: It's only Johnny's favorite word. What is that word, Johnny?

Johnny: Ipecac.

D. J. Dan: That's right.

Johnny: D.J. Dan?

D.J. Dan: Yes?

Johnny: I wasn't paying attention.

D. J. Dan: Ha, ha, ha! What a surprise.

(Laughter in studio.)

D.J. Dan: Little known fact. Meals prepared with Numbers have been scientifically proven to contain near fatal levels of Riboflavin. And finally? If you encounter the Numbers on a broadcast telling you what to do when you encounter the Numbers, you have only one alternative: open your windows, right now and shout it into the night! Conspiraspies unite! (Shouting) That’s right! I want you to go to your windows. I want you to open those windows. I want you to stick your head out. I want you to say, “Man, my life has value.” I want you to say, “Conspiraspies unite!” Then we’ll deal with the government. Then we’ll deal with the television. But first, you’ve got to get mad! You’ve got to go out! You’ve got go out and open the window and shout, “Conspiraspies unite!”

(Studio shouting and “Unite!”)

Tonya: Unite!

D. J. Dan: Conspiraspies unite!

Johnny: Plagiarized concept.

D. J. Dan: Oh my God, folks. I swear, that Howard Beale is a guru, he's a life coach to me. You know what folks? Now that I've yelled like that at you, I feel like I need a little bit of what we in the business refer to as 'vocal rest.' So, what are we going to do? There's a little segment here that I like to call...

Johnny: Johnny recaps the “Lost Experience.”

D. J. Dan: That's right, folks, while I go guzzle down a little more Red Bull, I feel that some of you may not entirely know what's been going on in reality, a.k.a. the Lost Experience, as those stooges at ABC will have you call it. That's right folks, so in order for you to catch up on what I'm talking about, Johnny, our very own announcer Johnny, who's more than a little hopped on up the Luagavulin, is going to recap the entire Experience for you. So folks, without further ado, Johnny? Take 'er away.

Johnny: Ah, Wednesday night. I wish D.J. Dan would be nicer to me… Hey! Its my favorite show, Lost! A phone number? For the Hanso Foundation? I’d better dial it! Who are these strange people on these voice mails? Breaking strain! Persephone! Who is this girl? Wow, what a great website. Nice music. Hi Joop! Hey, put away those teeth! My name is Johnny. Hey, look, the screen’s talking to me. Breaking strain, did I spell that right… woah! What’s happening to my screen? No, I refuse to believe these executives are corrupt. Not you too Dick Cheever!

D.J. Dan: Dick Cheever!

Johnny: Mittelwerk isn’t really a doctor? Hmm. The Vik Institute? Organ harvesting, and electromagnetic antenna? Maybe these Hanso people aren’t so good after all. Save Joop, Save Him! Save that monkey! Yeah, where is Alvar? What’s that sound! Alarms? Alarms! Persephone? Persephone, where are you! Hey, what a nice travel blog. Wait a minute. Is this Rachel Blake really Persephone? Yes I would like some pizza! I’m hungry! Careful Rachel, oops, ooh maps! Alvar Hanso’s grandfather? Captain of The Black Rock? Hide Rachel! Hide, in… in the closet! Not with the iron! Was that really necessary? Zander’s lying, don’t believe him. Hieroglyphics? Valenzetti? An exchange transfusion? That is gross. GidgetGirl was… Darla? Poor Darla! Gunshots! Run! Run! That’s right, use the glasses cam. I don’t like the dark. Was that a roach on the sink? The Helgus Antonius? Quarantine? Sri Lanka? The Spider Protocol? Hey, who’s that girl yelling at the Lost panel? She’s beautiful. Oh, oh, it’s Rachel! Hanso Exposed? Who is this Mr. Beardy fellow? It’s Alvar Hanso! Mittelwerk wants to kill us all! The “numbers!” Ah! Ah! Yeah, yes, I would like an Apollo bar. I love parsley.

D. J. Dan: Folks! That was the entire text of reality also known as the Lost Experience, by none other than our very own, announcer Johnny.

(Clapping in studio.)

D. J. Dan: And folks, we’re gonna give announcer Johnny a little bit of what I like to call “vocal rest”, that’s right he’s going into a closet, we’re gonna put a warm towel around his aching throat. And while I do that I’m gonna take a couple of questions from D.J. Dan’s mailbag. That’s right let’s see what you got. Tonya, give me a question.

Tonya: From Kyle.

D. J. Dan: Ah Kyle. Kyle XY, with the dreamy blue eyes and no belly button. Yes.

Tonya: D.J. Dan, just how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop…

D. J. Dan: 108. NEXT!

Tonya: Wow, really… ah, D.J. Dan. From Revjob.

D. J. Dan: Revjob! I had a Revjob earlier today! It was delightful. But we’re not gonna talk about that, yes, go ahead.

Tonya: My question is, who’s in the sites of your sawed off journalist shotgun next? You and Rachel have already blown the Hanso Foundation out of the water, so who’s next on your hit list?

D. J. Dan: You wanna know who we’re goin’ after if we take the Hanso Foundation down? I’ll tell ya who I’m gonna go after, the Children’s Television Workshop. That’s right, the CTW. You’ve all been hearing the rumors! Cookie monster, my personal idol, the blue creature I worshipped for much of my adult and child life, is being turned into the veggie monster? In some kind of effort to get kids to eat more GMOs. Folks! C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me. Next!

Tonya: From Bo Jangles.

D. J. Dan: Bo! Jangles.

Tonya: D.J. Dan, you rule!

D. J. Dan: Whoo, well of course I do, thank you.

Tonya: Ha, ha, ha, ha…

D. J. Dan: Bo. May I call you Bo?

Tonya: I can’t help but wonder what a genius like you might know about the mysteries of life. Lemme just ask, what is the meaning of life?

D. J. Dan: Ah, the meaning of life, well! Try to get in a good book now and then, ah try and avoid fatty foods, and try together with people of all different races, creeds and colors. Ah, next.

Tonya: From Mr. Mulders.

D. J. Dan: Mr. Mulders.

Tonya: To the real ones, D.J. Dan and Tonya. We’ve all been waiting, and now Rachel Blake promises to tell the whole truth about Hanso and…

D. J. Dan: That’s right folks. She’s gonna be here, she’s gonna be calling me. I’m telling you, I know this for a fact.

Tonya: But wait. What if Rachel is the Man? Are you tough enough to rip out your sugar coated feelings and to shut her down?

D. J. Dan: Oh my god. Oh my god this question is ripping the fabric of space-time all around me. I don’t know what I would do if Rachel was the man! Oh my god! Oh god! Oh god! What do I…? Children’s Television Workshop I’m going after them did I say that? I say that already, that’s what I do…

Tonya: We all heard you Dan.

D. J. Dan: Alright, alright. Now you know what, I’ve had it with these emails. Um, they don’t have that personal touch that I like. You know I like kinda reaching out and touch… let’s take a phone call! Who do we have on the line?

Tonya: Line 15. Bill. From Frederick, Maryland.

D. J. Dan: Ah, Bill. Bill, this is D.J. Dan, are you on the line?

Bill: Hello, how’s it going?

D. J. Dan: It’s going great Bill. If you have questions, musings, or answers, I’d be very happy to hear them.

Bill: Well this is Lhorse007 from the Lost Experience Clues, anyway.

D. J. Dan: Oh excellent. So you’re, you’re part of this so-called alternate reality? You’re playing into it? Come on man, why don’t you call it the “Reality Clues” O.K. What you got to say, come on, let’s hear it.

Bill: Well, ah, I’ve been wondering if Rachel really is Persephone.

D. J. Dan: You know what. When she gets here, I’m gonna put a rest to that once and for all O.K.? I believe that this woman is Persephone. I know this to be a fact. I’ve talked to her about it. She’s gonna talk to me about it in mere minutes.

Bill: Do you think she’s the original Persephone though?

D. J. Dan: I, I think that there’s only person… look this is the woman who’s on a very focused quest right here, I mean I don’t think only one, I think this is something that only one person does, I think this is an act of obsession bordering on beautiful, seductive mania. In fact, O.K., and I think that Rachel orchestrated this whole thing. I think I’ve already given my theory in one of my live broadcasts, when I have said that just because Rachel maybe isn’t as good at the espionage stuff O.K., doesn’t mean that she’s not a great hacker O.K., or vice versa. I think that there is, you know, I think that you have to be fair about the fact that not everybody’s skill set at every point in their life is gonna be exactly the greatest. Why do you think she’s not Persephone?

Bill: I think the original Persephone was the one, you know, hacking the site and everything and perhaps, ah, Hanso was getting too close to her so Rachel decided to come out and say she was Persephone, so the other Persephone could, you know live free from persecution…

D. J. Dan: You know what, you know what, I, I’m not going to shut you down, and I would shut down normally anybody who calls, I shut down every call, I’m just gonna say… I will ask Rachel that myself when she’s here in a little while O.K.? That’s what I’m gonna do.

Bill: Thank you.

D. J. Dan: Thank you very much for your call, next call. Who else do we have?

Tonya: Line 7. Joe from Bristol.

Dan: Joe from Bristol. Bristol, ah, Bristol, ah, Oregon? Are we talking about Bristol in Bligh my friend?

Tonya: Connecticut…

Joe: Connecticut.

D. J. Dan: Bristol, Connecticut. Oh I thought you were one of our friends across the pond but I still love you dearly. What you got for us boy?

Joe: I have a question for you D.J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: That’s good.

Joe: How’s it feel?

D. J. Dan: (Laughs) How’s what feel?

Joe: Being Shutdoen!!! (hangs up)

(Studio laughter)

Johnny: You know what, can I just say something?

D. J. Dan: Yes, go ahead.

Johnny: He didn’t have the sound effect so that’s not an official shutdown.

D. J. Dan: You know what, I… you know how it feels? Not as good as if you were to say… Shutdown!

Johnny: Oh, er, ah.

D. J. Dan: Well apparently I don’t have sound effects either.

Johnny: No there it is, there it is. (Shutdown music plays.)

D. J. Dan: Oh well you know what, a man has gotten his vengeance on me, oh no! I’m crushed! I’m so crushed, I’ve been shut down, it’s the worst thing ever! Put somebody else on for the love of god. My god.

Tonya: Line 16. Jeff from New Jersey.

D. J. Dan: O.K. now Chuck from Austen, if you’re out there, please call me I wanna know what you had to say,

Jeff: Hello?

D. J. Dan: Jeff!

Jeff: Hey how are you doing?

D. J. Dan: You’re on with D.J. Dan. It’s going great!

Jeff: Good, ah.

D. J. Dan: What do you think I’m on? There’s a rumor on the Internet that I was apparently on crystal meth, well I’m not on crystal meth, what do you think I’m taking?

Jeff: I think you’re taking a lot of Red Bull.

D. J. Dan: I’m taking a lot of Red Bull, that’s right.

Jeff: Well that’s great though.

D. J. Dan: I’m dancing with the bull that is red, my friend, what you got for me?

Jeff: Ah, first I wanna tell Johnny he did an awesome job with that recap. That was hilarious.

D. J. Dan: Well you know Johnny… Johnny, angry Johnny, that’s right. We love the man.

Johnny: And I’m… right back at you son.

D. J. Dan: Johnny summaries everything for me actually, I’ve had… he summarizes the Old Testament for me, he can do it in actually less than 30 seconds, its spectacular.

Johnny: Not a big reader!

D. J. Dan: No, what you got for me Jeff? Let’s hear it.

Jeff: Um, well I wanted to know what you thought about the, ah, Valenzetti Equation? Do you think it’s real? If it is do you think we can avoid the end of the world?

D. J. Dan: You know what, I don’t know if we can avoid the end of the world, but I think this Equation is real and the fact is, I think it is about high time that the Hanso Foundation release their iron grip on Gary Troup’s book, and on the Equation itself. I think its very clear that if a single executive of the Hanso Foundation can be moved to mobilize, to destroy a third of the world’s population with a virus because of what this Equation has to say, then the only place where I’ll give Thomas Werner Mittelwerk any credit is to say that he believes it then maybe we should look at it and I think that’s the whole point of this entire thing. If this thing is real, if this thing exists, it should be out there. It should be seen by everybody. It shouldn’t just be something that a few fat cat Swedes or Danes or whatever the hell they are, are gonna hold onto, while we the rest of them wait for them to save our lives, that’s all I’m saying about that.

Jeff: Rock on.

D. J. Dan: Excellent. Thank you so much for your call, let’s take one more call, and then we’re gonna talk about something very near and dear to my heart before we take a break. Let’s take another call.

Tonya: Line 1.

D. J. Dan: Line 1!

Tonya: Nanny from New Jersey, again.

D. J. Dan: Nanny from New Jersey again, we’re very big in Jersey.

Johnny: Nanny?

D. J. Dan: Nanny, are you there?

(Sound of cricket chirping.)

D. J. Dan: Ah folks. Nanny. Did we make you wait too long? What happened?

Johnny: Past Nanny’s bedtime.

D. J. Dan: All right, let’s get another call. Let’s get another call. Who do we have?

Tonya: Line 15. Erica from New Jersey.

D. J. Dan: We are so huge in Jersey! If we were in Jersey it’d be spectacular. Sadly, we’re in California. Yes.

Tonya: Joysey.

Erika: Hi, am I on?

D. J. Dan: Yes you’re on. You’re on the air with D.J. Dan.

Erika: Oh wow. Hello!

D. J. Dan: And this is D.J. Dan.

Erika: Hi.


Erika: Erm, so, when I was a…

D. J. Dan: Oh, OK you’re breaking up, can you kinda…

Johnny: Please deposit 25 cents.

(Studio laughter.)

D. J. Dan: O.K., let’s hear it again very slowly cause we’re having trouble hearing you, lets try that again O.K.

Erika: O.K. Can you hear me?

D. J. Dan: Yeah I can hear you great.

Erika: All right, when I was younger I was asked to take a test. And I was accepted into a program. And, now that I’m older, I’m wondering if I’ve been brainwashed.

D. J. Dan: Really now what are some of the signs that you’ve been brainwashed? Can you tell me? Do you speak in languages here-for-to unknown to you?

Erika: I don’t know but I’ve been having these weird dreams.

D. J. Dan: Yes, can you describe these dreams?

Johnny: In detail.

Erika: Well, ah, I would be, ah, running or, maybe on a computer. Or something…

D. J. Dan: Yes. Yes.

Erika: Really vague.

D. J. Dan: All right, all right, you know what? There’s something I wanna say to you, and listen to me very closely. Shutdown! Oh yeah, you know what folks, when I was younger, I took a test, right. And then I went to an academy, and then little green men trained me, and then I could shoot lightning bolts from my hand, and I don’t mean the dark side power lighting, no. I mean the light side pow.., power side lightning bolts called electric judgment O.K. That’s what I’m talking about. Jedi Dan! That’s who I am! O.K., folks…

Johnny: (Breathes like Darth Vader.)

D. J. Dan: I’ve had enough of this role-playing. Let’s have one more call, then there’s something I gotta talk about.

(Studio laughter)

Johnny: Oh, then!

Tonya: Line… (laughs). Line 7. Yashiva the Sword Master from Bar Harbor, Maine.

D. J. Dan: Ah Maine, home of many great Sword Master. Yashiva the Sword Master, are you on the line?

Yashiva: Yes I am on the line.

D. J. Dan: I see, will you draw weapons against me or will you speak to me placidly?


Yashiva: I, ah, don’t really wanna duel today.

D. J. Dan: Excellent, we’re on the phone. It would be very cumbersome. What’s your question my friend, what you got to say to me?

Yashiva: I’m, I was just wondering, um, there’s a…

Johnny: Spit it out.

Yashiva: A… like through the Retrievers of Truth. There’s all these Lost fans who found out the password before the Hanso Foundation did. I’m wondering if there’s something going on with that, if like they found out if…

D. J. Dan: Well of course they found out the password, they’re super psychic dogs, they know everything. That’s the whole point, am I right?

(The Lost theme music plays.)

Yashiva: Well I’m wondering how ah…

D. J. Dan: Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead, ignore the sound effect. I know I do.


Yoshiva: I don’t get it, its just all this…

D. J. Dan: O.K., O.K., first of all there’s one thing that you should know before we go any further, which is, shutdown!

(Studio laughter)

D. J. Dan: O.K., folks, guys. Retrievers of Truth, they’re supposedly psychic golden retrievers. They retrieve truth! If they’re talking about what they really are, then truth is being retrieved by these dogs. They’ll find it before we can do. Great TV series by the way, the “can do”. Folks, you know what, um? We’re gonna, we’re gonna have a song about the man and ah and then we’re gonna come back.

"The Loner" by Neil Young plays.

Intro music plays.

Johnny: You’re listening to Radio Harvest dot com. Music and more, anytime. Radio Harvest dot com. Your Internet radio provider. And now, coming to you live from an antenna on an island somewhere in the South Pacific, normally broadcasting a series of numbers, numbers so terrifying I won’t even go into it or say them out loud. It’s D.J. Dan! Shutting down the man!

D. J. Dan: Folks, I am shutting down the Man, that’s what I'm doing here. Now who's gonna be with us very soon? Rachel Blake, Persephone, ladies and gentlemen. The lady of the Experience, the so-called Experience. What they want you to think is an Experience instead of reality. But before talking about that, we're gonna talk about something very special here, something very interesting. That's right, announcer Johnny's bladder. Folks, I gotta tell you announcer Johnny...

Johnny: Don’t go there.

D.J. Dan: He’s been sitting here for over 15 hours preparing for this, he’s got his trigger finger ready, we're gonna catheterize the poor guy, I've never seen a look of agony on a human being like this. But folks! Before we go into that, and we will do it live, I'm gonna take a couple of phone calls, that's right, I'm gonna take a couple of phone calls here. Let's see what we've got going, Tonya? Who's on the line?

Tonya: Line 13, Tim from Rhode Island.

D.J. Dan: Tim from Rhode Island, line 13. Tim, are you on? Are you there, Tim? Tim, from Rhode Island? Earth to Road Island, RI.

Tonya: Timmy can you hear me?

(Sound of cricket chirping.)

D.J. Dan: Crickets, crickets O.K. Who do we have? Let’s hear another one.

Tonya: Ok. Tapdawg, Line 9, from Los Angeles.

D.J. Dan: Tapdawg! From Los Angeles (tapping desk) Oh, yes that's right. I'm feeling it. That's right, you can call me Slappy Ham Bone from now on. Tapdawg, you're on the air with DJ Dan, what you got?

(Dead air.)

D.J. Dan: Tapdawg what you got? You're on the air with D.J. Dan.

Johnny: Phone's not working.

D.J. Dan: Folks, it's terrible what's happening to our phones, I think it's the Hanso Foundation hacking our lines, if we don't get some phones up here were gonna have to go to Viewer Mail and how dull is that folks? I think you don't know how. Tonya, who else do we have?

Tonya: Line 14, Rance from Ohio.

D.J. Dan: Rance from Ohio on Line 14, Rance, are you there? Rance? You're on the air with Slappy Ham Bone.

Johnny: All of ‘em? Is it Slappy or Sloppy?

Dan: It's Slappy Ham Bone yes that’s my tap dance name. Rance, are you there? O.K., folks we're having some technical difficulties with our phone, we're gonna go to some Viewer Mail right now while we sort those out. Ok what do we have here; let's hear some Viewer Mail.

Tonya: From Mark, "Hey D.J. Dan."

D.J. Dan: Hey, Mark!

Tonya: "I was just wondering if you've gotten those powdered sugar-covered hands on a Golden Oracle Apollo bar, and do you still think that they're nanite-infested, now that we know that they're coming from one of our friends, Rachel Blake?"

(D.J. Dan whistles.)

D.J. Dan: Well, you know what? I would, I would not touch, I would not eat an Apollo bar with your mouth. O.K. folks, that’s what I'm saying, all right. These things are chock full of stuff, stuff I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy's dog, all right. Golden Oracle or not, O.K., just because my friend and yours, Rachel Blake, pulled a Wonka on this thing, does not mean you should be touching the stuff. We're talking nanites! Were talking a black swarming cloud of nanites! No wait! We're not! If were not talking about anything, it's a black swarming cloud of nanites! Do you all hear me! Johnny, do you hear me?

Johnny: Hear you.

D.J. Dan: Tonya, do you hear me?

Johnny: Impossible not to.

Tonya: Loud and clear.

D.J. Dan: All right! Marvin the Earthling, do you hear me?

Marvin: What?

D.J. Dan: Never mind.

Tonya: (Laughter)

D.J. Dan: There’s not a dark cloud of nanites, in anything, anywhere that I’m talking about! Tonya, give me another reader mail. What have we got going on?

Tonya: Juliana.

D.J. Dan: Juliana.

Tonya: "Hey Dan!"

D.J. Dan: Hey Juliana!

Tonya: "What do you think of William T. Ker, Kilpatrick’s disappearance and possible murder?"

D.J. Dan: All right, you know what, this is one where I gotta, I gotta defer to the wisdom of Marvin the Earthling on this one. Marvin, what's this all about?

Marvin: Ola.

D.J. Dan: Yes, what are we talking about there?

Marvin: Uh, William T. Kilpatrick was involved with, um, Jeep, in the, whole Compass fiasco...

D.J. Dan: Oh, you mean about how The Hanso Foundation...

Marvin: Organs, and, uh, basically, The Hanso Foundation bought all these Jeeps and the outfitted them for evil and what not, and driving across the countries and shipping organs and guts and brains.

D.J. Dan: So, Jeeps are now evil raiders, not just trail blazers...

Marvin: Basically William Kilpatrick was kidnapped and, um, it was horrible and basically uh, Rachel...

D.J. Dan: Uh, where was he kidnapped?

Marvin: Uh, he was sort of, um, perhaps making a public appearance of some sort...

D.J. Dan: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. This guy was talking to Rachel Blake... ?

Marvin: No, no, he wasn't talking to Rachel Blake at the time, he was just, he...

D.J. Dan: But he talks to Rachel Blake right?

Marvin: Yeah, sure.

D.J. Dan: And he made a public appearance and then he went...Folks! I'm making a public appearance and I talk to Rachel Blake. Oh my god! This is the worst thing that's ever happened! I'm making... all right look, folks, if you're talking to Rachel Blake, don't be like me, don't be like Billy! O.K., don't make public appearances! If you’re fighting the Man, you don't make public appearances! My god! O.K. when Madonna comes on, on that crucifix, is Rachel Blake hammering in the nails? No, she’s not! Of course not! You know why? Because she’s running away from the man! All right. Don’t ma… I’m making a public appearance right now! They’re gonna come and take me away! They know where I am don't they! They were here the last time! (Knocking on table.) If Tonya hadn't been a master of Jujitsu, we would have never gotten out of that. Folks, O.K., do we have the lines on? Do we have phones? All right let's take some calls; let's hear some calls.

Tonya: Line 14, Stephanie from Ohio.

D.J. Dan: All right, Stephanie from Ohio, Steph what you got for me?

(Dead air.)

D.J. Dan: Oh for the love of sweet God, people, where are my phones? You know what, speaking of doughnuts (laughing), speaking of doughnuts, um...

Tonya: We were?

Johnny: Doughnut of the Day.

D.J. Dan: Yes that’s right, oh, speaking of that I have to tell you, it's the point of the show where I'm feeling the dip of my energy reserves, contraction of the mitochondria. And that means it's time to bring out the old brown bag of delights and unleash the Doughnut of the Day! That's right, the Doughnut of the Day has been specially made by my wife, she said I'd love it, she said she wrote me a special note with it and today's doughnut is...

(Shuffling a paper bag)

D.J. Dan: Uh, a low-carb bagel.

Johnny: A low-carb bagel.

D.J. Dan: With fat-free cream cheese!

Tonya: (Laughter.)

D.J. Dan: This is not funny! This is a viola… This is a mutilation!

Johnny: Kinda funny.

Tonya: And what does the note say?

D.J. Dan: It says, and I quote, "I dreamt you died last night. I'm pretty sure I don't want that to happen yet, enjoy".

(Studio laughter)

D.J. Dan: Ah, my sweet wife, always with the veiled threats, which brings me to a little segment I like to call...

Johnny: (Heart thumping sound) The Threat Call of the Day!

D.J. Dan: You see folks, if you're like me, if you're poking your nose into the shadows to sniff out evil where it lives, chances are that schnozz of yours is gonna come back with a couple of extra holes in it. Now, you might think that that might deter a man such as me, you might think I might have headed for a higher ground or a greater pasture or something, but then you'd be flat out wrong, but as you know I’ve been recently locking horns with a little organization know as...

Johnny: (Sinister music plays) The Hanso Foundation!

D.J. Dan: That’s right they're weird, they're creepy, they're all together spooky (Snap snap). That's right, folks, they have a fondness for mint green lab coats but when it comes to threat calls, they're the metaphorical equivalent to a bowl of overcooked lo mien, which is why Johnny and I like to do a little interpretive sketch of our own threat calls. That's right, folks, just to keep things lively. Shall we try a few out?

Johnny: Yes D.J. Dan, but before we start I've been asked to say (clears throat). Today's Threat Call is brought to you by Widmore Construction. "We can crush you under an I-beam and say it was an accident! Don't worry, we're insured."

Tonya: Who asked you to say that?

Johnny: Um, did I tell you I finally… I’m going to be able to be putting that addition onto my house. It's really a pool!

D.J. Dan: O.K, O.K., O.K., Johnny, middle of page six. Will ya? Come on, threat me up.

Johnny: (Miscellaneous paper shuffling.) Middle of page six, ah. "That's right, D.J. Dan, you'll come home to find your chestnuts roasting over an open fire, and by chestnuts I don't mean chestnuts at all, what I really mean when I say chestnuts is that I'm going to take your..."

D.J. Dan: Shutdown! I think it’s a little bit too early in the year. It’s a little bit too seasonal; uh, page 24, from the top.

Johnny: (Clears throat) Page 24, from the top, uh, you want me to sing?

D.J. Dan: Oh, do I ever.

Tonya: Oh no.

Johnny: Exactly, you've heard me sing, haven't you Tonya? O.K. (clears throat and sings to the tune of “My Favorite Things”)”Razors and Blazers, and nails on mittens, a safe falls on Tonya, I drowned all your kittens...”

D.J. Dan: O.K., that's enough.

Johnny: (Still singing) “…Brown paper wrappers filled up with your spleens...”

D.J. Dan: O.K.! O.K.! O.K.! What is it with the threat calls? My god! Dear lord, it's a Von Trapp nightmare! (Shutdown sound) This could be a good one, page 12; start at the bottom.

Johnny: Page 12; start at the bottom, O.K. (clears throat) “Not only that, but I bought my V12 SUV outside of California, that's right, relaxed emission standards and I'm driving it more than ever, D.J. Dan, which means maybe, someday soon, you're facing a one degree rise in ocean temperature and when that happens, the ice caps will melt, the seas will rise, rendering your bluff top home ocean-front property, rendering it worthless!”

D.J. Dan: Come on, come on, when did Al Gore join the writing staff?

Johnny: Exactly.

Tonya: We have our own writing staff?

Dan: You know what, another crack, another dollar, Tonya. O.K. you know what, you know what, I, I, folks, there you have it, Threat Call of the Day!

Johnny: Wait, Wait.

D.J. Dan: Oh, you want to do the other threat call?

Johnny: Yeah.

D.J. Dan: I think some of our callers might wanna hear some D.J. Dan talking and actually get them on the line, but you know what, since your so pleased with this, Johnny, let's do the last threat call.

Johnny: (Laughing)

D.J. Dan: We were gonna drop it, but you can hear it now, give it to me!

Johnny: (Clears throat) “Uh, I just wanted to call in and say I'm your biggest fan and I hope you continue on in your radiant health with no falls down the stairs, or unexpected trips to the emergency room.”

Tonya: Dan, this guy is weird.

D.J. Dan: He's freaking me out.

Johnny: “I find your opinions stimulating and I encourage you to continue digging into the potentially criminal activities of The Hanso Organization.”

D.J. Dan: Uh huh. Strange isn't it? It seems like a threat call but it sounds just like the opposite.

Johnny: (With cynicism) “Wow, wonder why? I'm pretty sure it's not opposite day. Oh well, bye now D.J. Dan. Have a great night and by all means don't worry about the bag of death stalker scorpions I didn't leave under the driver's seat of your Green Jeep Compass. You have not been warned, D.J. Dan.”

D.J. Dan: Well, folks, under great duress, there you have it, the Threat Call of the Day!

Johnny: We might have… should have killed that letter.

D.J. Dan: I think we should have killed that bit, absolutely. But, you know what? Now the thing I wanna ask is, and I'm directing this to our engineers here, but if I get a call will I be able to get in on the line? Folks, we are praying here, we are praying. Praying for a call.

Johnny: Test call of the night.

D.J. Dan: Now, we're gonna test. We had some calls, this is our test call. Who do we have on the line?

Tonya: Line 15, Mr. Frosty, Toronto.

D.J. Dan: Mr. Frosty from Toronto, you are on the air with D.J. Dan.

(Silence, then sound of toilet flushing.)

Tonya: Oh no.

D.J. Dan: Mr. Frosty, are you there?

Tonya: Yeah? We hear something...

D.J. Dan: Yes, Mr. Frosty. I'm not hearing a damn thing. Folks, I don't know what’s going on with our calls, so I gotta tell you it's...

(Taps plays.)

Johnny: Ah, phone line is dead.

D.J. Dan: What happened? Guys, just keep calling in, we'll try and get to you. I really want to take these calls.

Tonya: I told you we had to pay the phone bill.

D.J. Dan: That's right, or perhaps it's my arch nemesis...

Johnny: (laughing) Oh, no, your just trying...

D.J. Dan: Folks, perhaps it's someone evil, somebody who wants me dead, my arch nemesis...

Johnny: (Sinister music plays.) The Hanso Foundation. Ha, ha!

D.J. Dan: All of this, all of this inability to take calls. Folks, were gonna try to make this up to you a little bit later. We’ve got a little more time before Rachel Blake calls us. You know what? Um, let's see, you know what, should we even try to get another call? Is this gonna happen for us? O.K., folks, you know what, I think we're gonna go to a song and try to work out our differences here. And then were going to take your calls. Let’s hit it!

"Take a Bow" by Muse plays.

Intro music plays.

Singing: D.J. Dan

Johnny: Coming to you live from the secret CIA prison under your local high school football field, it's D.J. Dan, Shutting down the Man! Supero Dupero Editione Especial!

D.J. Dan: Supero Dupero Editione Especial? Is that Italian? Is that Spanglish, what the heck is that?

Johnny: It’s Scriptese, it was written right here for me.

D.J. Dan: Oh my god! We're gonna have to talk to our staff about that. Folks, you know what, I've opened up a special phone line for Rachel Blake should and when she choose to call. I have it on good authority she's gonna be with us in a few minutes, but you know what, I'm gonna take some more of your calls because I think it's an important thing. I think it's something we need to be doing.

Tonya: Line 14, Speaker.

Johnny: Tonya, speaking on the announcer mic.

D.J. Dan: A little announcer...

Johnny: Tonya, the announcer.

D.J. Dan: Speaker, you're on live with D.J. Dan. On live with D.J. Dan.

(Dead air.)

Johnny: No, Speaker wouldn't hang up on us.

D.J. Dan: No, Speaker wouldn't hang up. Speaker is good! You know, even though Speaker is a little bit too close with that Javier Grillo-Marxuach guy...

(Not)Speaker: Hello?

Johnny: There’s Speaker. My MySpace friend.

D.J. Dan: Yeah! Wow, we got, we got, we got sound! Can I get a witness!

Johnny: Witness.

D.J. Dan: All right. Speaker, what do you got to say to me?

(Not)Speaker: Hello?

D.J. Dan: Yes? We tried like eight calls; you’re the first one to get through! I wanna talk!

(Not)Speaker: The island that we learned about, on the Sri-Lanka video, that Rachel helped us put together, well, Charles Widmore, who, um, helped Hanso, is he, uh, part of this? Is it possible that maybe he has a twin who he sent to the island? And his twin is maybe John Locke?

D.J. Dan: First of all, you don't sound like Speaker. And I know Speaker, and you don’t sound like him, he doesn't usually talk about conspiracies like that, he sounds like a fake conspiracy Speaker.

Johnny: Just like a fake Rachel Blake.

D.J. Dan: That's right. We've been getting fake Rachel Blakes all night, my friend. Is this the real Speaker or not?

(Not)Speaker: Yes.

D.J. Dan: I can say this to the real Speaker. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I hope it is! Because I'm going to be talking to you later, O.K.? I don’t think Widmore has an evil twin. What? Do you think he has a bad twin? Is that what we think? Dude, listen, O.K., people have good twins, bad twins, the whole thing, and that doesn't mean that every time there's some fictional manifestation of something there's gotta be a bad twin! That's what I'm talking about. You know what, “Speaker”, I'm not gonna shut you down, I'm just going to say, thank you for the call.

(Not)Speaker: Thank you.

D. J. Dan: Let's get another call in here.

Tonya: Line 7, Mike, from Tucson, Arizona.

D.J. Dan: Mike from Tucson, Line 7.

Mike: Yeah, it's me, ah, I was just wondering, ah, is Rachel Blake really Alvar Hanso's daughter?

D.J. Dan: I have uh, no idea, I mean I, uh. That's very interesting... do you think that she is Alvar Hanso's daughter? What do you think about that? Let's pretend that I don't know all the answers, for a second. What basis do you have, in terms of reality, A.K.A. "The Lost Experience" to say that? What makes you think that she is Alvar Hanso's daughter?

Mike: Uh, I really have no clue, I've just been reading blogs and stuff.

D.J. Dan: Well, yeah, but I mean, surely, there mus…Does she sound Danish to you?

Mike: What?

D.J. Dan: Is there something Danish about her presentation that makes you think, “Oh my God, I'm talking to Alvar Hanso's daughter?”

Mike: Uh, not really.

D.J. Dan: So it's purely just your experience with blogs, right?

Mike: Yep, pretty much.

D.J. Dan: All right, I'm gonna have to shut you down. Shut down! Folks! If you're calling to tell me somebody is something, then you'd better know why that, that somebody is who they say they is, am I right?

Johnny: (Laughing) Yeah, yeah, whatever you said.

D.J. Dan: You know what? You know what, I think it should be “Talk Like James Hetfield Day.” Today, today's the day when everything should call me and be like "H-zzaaaahhh". That's right, that's right, a little Metallica there for you, folks. Let's take another call. Let's take another call. I, uh, is Rachel Blake on the other line? You know, I, I, I would really like to get that phone line open for her. Let's take another call. Who do we have here?

Tonya: Line 5, Lost in Pennsylvania.

D.J. Dan: Right, how can you get lost in Pennsylvania? The Turnpike is so prevalent. Lost in Pennsylvania, are you there?

(Dead air.)

D.J. Dan: Lost in Pennsylvania...? Lost in Pennsylvania...? We've lost Lost ... Let's get ‘em on another line.

Tonya: Line 10, Derek from Evansville, Indiana.

D.J. Dan: Derek from Evansville, are you there?

Derek: Yeah, this is me.

D.J. Dan: Oh, O.K., it's me! Excellent, I thought it was Derek, but it turns out it was me! Well, thank god, I always wanted to talk to me!

Derek: Well, I had a question, because it turns out, on the Hanso Foundation website, with the world map, the secrets that you put in to get the next video, there's a secret area you can click that says "She was a member of the Foundation". Do you happen to know who that was?

D.J. Dan: Uh, I don't know, you know what? I'm going to go to Marvin the Earthling, my connection for all things dealing with "reality" to tell us a little bit about this. Marvin? You're Marvin the Earthling, now what, what do we know about all this?

Marvin: I have no idea what the question was because I was under the table and…

D.J. Dan: So, I'm very afraid of things myself.

Johnny: I can vouch for that answer.

Marvin: Please repeat the question, sir

D.J. Dan: Please repeat the question.

Derek: On the Foundation website where you put the statistics about the different countries for the video, there's a secret area… uh, go ahead.

D.J. Dan: No, no, you continue.

Derek: Well, there's a secret area and you can click on, and it says text backwards. And if you turn it in the mirror, it would say that she was a member of the Foundation. You happen to think that that was possibly like Rachel Blake or something?

Marvin: Rachel… O.K., for Starters, uh, hummmmm. For starters, Rachel Blake worked for Widmore, O.K. Do you really think she worked for the Hanso Foundation? She said herself, she worked for Widmore. Did She Not? Did she not!?

D.J. Dan: Did she not?

(Screaming and yelling in the studio.)

D. J. Dan: Have you ever worked in a forward area, son?

Marvin: I'm sorry, look, I don't want to get upset with you, but…

(Sound of heavy breathing).

D. J. Dan: Marvin, Marvin, Marvin, I think you have to go back under the table.

(More screaming, yelling and heavy breathing)

D. J. Dan: O.K. someone needs to take Marvin Down.

Marvin: Wahoo! (Echo)

D. J. Dan: You know what, you know what, I'm going to have to shut you down. Shut down!

Derrick: Oh, Shut down.

D. J. Dan: Folks, Folks, O.K. Oh my god. Is that the special red…? I think the special red light is on ladies and gentleman. That can only mean one thing

(Horn blares).

D. J. Dan: That's the line I set up, folks. Folks, we've talked about her… We've fought for her and we've yearned for her. And we've dream about her; oh, sweet candle-lit dreams. And without further adieu, the guest that makes this Shutting Down the Man special edition.

Johnny: The D.J. Dan interview with Rachel Blake.

D. J. Dan: That's right; it's Rachel Blake she's on the line, folks, Rachel, what's the haps?

Rachel: Not much, just running with the wedding plans. You have told your wife? Haven't you, Dan?

D. J. Dan: Oh, that wed... Honey, if you're listening, this girl's crazy. She's a crackup. I've been saying it from the beginning. Don't believe a word she says.

Rachel: Don't tell me you're backing out.

D. J. Dan: Backing Out? Did I ever front in? You have to be in to be out?

Rachel: Hmm, let's see? And I quote, “I'd like to get to know her, if you know what I mean.” You said that on your last show and tonight. What else? Oh yeah, “She's the light of my life. My PYT, my bride to be.” Sound familiar Dan?

D. J. Dan: Not a word. It's lies, lies, lies. I said… I never said a single one of those.

Rachel: Oh wait and how about, "candle-lit dreams"

D. J. Dan: Hey, low blow. I never said that; well not until like a minute ago. Rachel, I'm so sorry, a thousand apologies. You know I'm a liberal man and I use my words liberally.

Rachel: Well, you should be careful what you say to a girl, Dan. A mellifluous golden voice like yours, she might just take your words to heart.

D. J. Dan: Oh, Rachel. She… folks, this is why I can't help but profess my undying love.

Rachel: And I won't even mention the fact that you're old enough to be my father.

D. J. Dan: Oh, shut down, shut down. Oh, god, always gotta push the buttons, don't ya Blake? But in all seriousness, Rachel, we're thrilled to have you on the show and, and we're even more thrilled you're alive and well.

Rachel: Yes well, I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be alive.

D. J. Dan: Should we get down to it? Are you ready for the Barbara Walters?

Rachel: Um, I'm as ready as I'll ever be?

D. J. Dan: 'Cause I've got questions Rachel, a lot of questions, a lot of topics, you've got a ton of supporters, and a ton of doubters.

Rachel: Really? I hadn’t noticed.

D. J. Dan: So let's start it off with an easy one. We know you're calling from an undisclosed location.

Rachel: Uh huh.

D. J. Dan: Honestly, where the heck are you?

Rachel: Where am I right now or where was I five minutes ago?

D. J. Dan: Are you saying you're mobile; you're on a cell phone?

Rachel: I'm saying have you ever been chased through 8 countries in 12 days?

D. J. Dan: 8 countries in 12 days, No. I mean, 8 doughnut shops in 12 minutes, yeah. And which of these countries are you in right now?

Rachel: Um, to be honest, I'm not 100% sure.

D. J. Dan: Is… Is it one of the Stans?

Rachel: I don't know. Geography isn't one of my strong suits. I think a lot of your listeners would agree with that.

D. J. Dan: Are you referring to the map incident, Rachel?

Rachel: Could be.

D. J. Dan: Folks, for those of you who don't know, while she was tracking down the evil doctor Thomas Werner Mittelwerk, The nefarious Spider Protocol, Rachel made a little tiny mistake.

Rachel: Oh, try capitol offence!

D. J. Dan: She mistook a set of maps depicting 3 or 4 islands to be a set of places on one island. An island near the equator.

Rachel: Hey Dan, Last time I checked, Sri-Lanka was an island near the equator. So, I was partly right.

D. J. Dan: But you were also partly wrong.

Rachel: I know, trust me, I know.

D. J. Dan: O.K. now, some of your supporters went bat guano crazy on you for it, didn't they?

Rachel: That's one way of saying it I guess.

D. J. Dan: Well I guess the question on everyone's mind is this, how could she be so good at the hacking, at the Persephone stuff, and so not good at the real world Sidney Brisco, James Bond, Mission Impossible stuff?

Rachel: Ouch, um. Jeez, I don't know. It could be that I've spent that last 10 years of my life with my eyes glued to the computer monitor at my mom's house, and then the computer monitor in my dorm room, and then I had this really, really hellish terrorist badass computer in the basement of the Widmore Corporation Building. Seriously, it was badass.

D. J. Dan: You're referring to all your, ah, computer hacker training of course?

Rachel: I'm referring to the fact that I'm a geek. I mean Ren Faire Geek, not so much, but pissed off that I couldn't actually see Comic Con Geek, yeah I was, you bet.

D. J. Dan: So… so to refute some of the theories floating around about you, you weren't genetically engineered by Hanso to make some kind of super spy sleeper agent, am I right?

Rachel: Um, I'm going to have to go with a no on that one. I think you know that compiling flash does not necessarily equate to street smarts, D.J. Dan. If it did, I think most of the guys taking shots on me on a Friday night at midnight would probably be out with their girlfriends. You know who you are… (Quietly) Matt the Pale.

D. J. Dan: Oh, ho, ho, ho. Rachel Blake shooting fireballs at one of our favorite chroniclers takes it in the groin!

Rachel: Hey, I'm honest.

D. J. Dan: O.K. O.K. So, where did you learn to hack? How did you become this socially awkward comic book geek you are today?

Rachel: Uh, my mother was sick, the doctors were lying and I wanted her records.

D. J. Dan: Simple as that?

Rachel: Yeah.

D. J. Dan: Kinda vague.

Rachel: Ask me another question.

D. J. Dan: Oh, come on, what about that woman?

Rachel: No, Ask me another question.

D. J. Dan: No, all right, what do you think about Lost?

Rachel: It's not on my TiVo.

D. J. Dan: It's because of your orientation film, right.

Rachel: Um, no comment?

D. J. Dan: O.K., does Carlton Cuse really disgust you?

Rachel: It's become more complicated than that. What happened in Norway complicated things.

D. J. Dan: O.K., O.K., what happened in Norway?

Rachel: (Quietly) Um, not yet, O.K.?

D. J. Dan: O.K., O.K., let's move on. How about what happened at Comic Con? After you condemned the Lost panel, you said a lot of things. A lot of incendiary things to those people. How did you get out of there by the way?

Rachel: The same way I got a hold of that mic. I bribed the right people before hand. There was a panel truck waiting for me backstage at the convention center out at the loading dock. I knew Hanso's hit squad would be there and I was right. I lost 'em once I crossed the border into Mexico. But, I still spent 3 days on the beach in Fiero Negro just to make sure the trail went cold. But, I'm sorry, what did you say?

D. J. Dan: Well, yeah, after your Comic Con blow up, the very panel of Lost producers and actors they were photographed signing autographs, right? And they were wearing these hieroglyph armbands, all right? Your hieroglyphic wristbands with the codes to hansoexposed.com. Which side are those guys really on, Rachel?

Rachel: The truth, I don't know anymore. Look, I had an insider at the lost camp; he's the one that helped me. The wristbands were his idea. I don't think… I don't even know if the producers had any idea what those glyphs represented until later on.

D. J. Dan: O.K. so can you tell us who this “white knight” was?

Rachel: Ha, Ha. No.

D. J. Dan: Oh, come on, give us a hint at least and tell us something?

Rachel: Uh, O.K.. Well, how bout... O.K., in all the nations in all the world no one is as great as this guy.

Johnny: In all the natio...

D. J. Dan: Folks, folks, folks, folks, you guys figure that one out. All right, all right, so, so, so, so Rachel wait, so, so, so these glyphs for this video, they represent pieces of this video you shot in Sri-Lanka, the video outing Mittelwerk's plot to kill us all.

Rachel: You mean save us all by killing 30% of us? Did that bother you, too?

D. J. Dan: Yeah, just a little, Rachel.

Rachel: Yeah, think so. “Reaching out to a Better Tomorrow,” right?

D. J. Dan: So, so you went on the run with this De Zylva dude, we know the Hanso squad is on your butt, but why, oh why, did you have to break the thing up into so many damn pieces?

Johnny: My relationship suffered.

Rachel: I'm sorry Johnny, by the way I really enjoyed your recap.

Johnny: Oh, you've got great taste and you really inspire me.

Rachel: Ha, thanks.

D. J. Dan: Rachel, what happened? Why did you break it up like that?

Rachel: Well, I didn't want to break it up like that. It wasn't really a choice. You know, people have died helping me. Zander, Darla, De Zylva, I had to do my best to protect the truth of what Mittlewerk was doing but if I had sent it to one person or a group of people or put it on a website, I knew that with what was in this video, I just couldn't risk people's lives like that. And I thought that if I put this all out at once, are people actually going to believe it. Are they going to believe me, I mean it's pretty mad scientist kinda stuff. I wanted to get people talking. I wanted to get this frustrated… Bottom line? I wanted everyone watching.

D. J. Dan: Just like with the Apollo bars, right?

Rachel: Yeah, exactly.

D. J. Dan: Now, How did you pull that off exactly?

Rachel: Oh, I'll never tell.

D. J. Dan: Okay Rach. We've warmed up, we're loose, we've viben', now it's time to get to the real stuff. Not the hows, but the whys, Rachel, the whys. We all know, there's a difference between wanting to save the world and actually throwing everything you have out the window and risking your life to doing it. Most people don't have that in then, the people that do, they join the Peace Corps, they become missionaries, some like me they join the military which was in hindsight a mistake, but, but you went off and did this crazy global, global hacking thing, I mean Rachel what you've done is amazing. Why did you do it?

Rachel: Uh, I could tell you, but I don't know that you’d would believe me.

D. J. Dan: I wouldn't believe you? Why would a Conspirispy D.J…. Conspirispy audience not believe you, Rachel? You're like the Conspirispy of the year!

Rachel: Thank you.

D. J. Dan: Come on Rachel, come clean. Tell us why? Is Mittlewerk really your crazy uncle? Is Joop your long lost pet monkey? Are you related to Alvar Hanso? People want to know. I'm getting calls, what happened in Norway?

Rachel: Um, when I went to Noray.. Norway. Sorry. I knew the only way this would ever be done, the only way anyone would believe this was real was for me to get it on tape, and for me to get that tape to the authorities, which I did at the beginning of this week.

Tanya: Uh, D.J. Dan?

D. J. Dan: Oh god, Tanya, great jumping Jehoshaphat Tanya, you scared the bleeping bucky-balls out of me. Rachel, Rachel, please go on I need to hear this.

Tanya: Wait, Dan. Rachel, I'm sorry,

D. J. Dan: What are you doing Tanya, what's going on.

Tanya: I've got someone on the line. You can't believe what this guy is saying. You have to take this call right now.

D. J. Dan: If this is another one of these threat calls, Tanya.

Tanya: Dan, take the call!

D. J. Dan: Rachel, hold that thought. Caller you're on shutting down the man and if this ain't good I'm shutting you down to Chinatown.

Johnny: My sister, my daughter.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, great, great, caller? Go ahead.

James: Hi, D. J. Dan. My name is James. I’ll get right to the point. My friend and I, we have this little global network going on where we enjoy eavesdropping on all kinds of signals; civilian, corporate, scientific, military…

D. J. Dan: Yeah, yeah, James I’m with ya, I’m with ya.

James: And right now at this very moment. Excuse me (clears throat) we are listening to… (Aside: yep, hold on!) We are listening to an encoded highly secure government frequency. I don’t know if its police or military but if you’ll allow me I want to patch you through.

D.J. Dan: You want to patch us through?

James: You and Miss Blake and the rest of your conspiraspies have to hear this.

D. J. Dan: All right?!? Go ahead patch it through right now.

James: O.K. Hold on one second…

(Sound of radio transmissions…)

Alpha Leader: Report

Zulu Team: Zulu in position. Disable lift control?

Bravo Team: Bravo, front lobby secure.

Alpha Leader: You have visual on target?

Bravo Team: Yes sir, tenth floor!

Alpha Leader: Is that confirmed?

Bravo Team: It’s a white coat and black ponytail.

Alpha Leader: Lunatics and their hair! Boy!

Bravo Team: Ninth floor now.

Alpha Leader: Confirmed tenth floor.

Bravo Team: Look’s like we’ve got a staircase between lab levels 9 and 10.

Alpha Leader: Personnel count on nine?

Bravo Team: We count three. No, four.

Alpha Leader: Armed?

Bravo Team: I’m sure! Target moving towards the elevators!

Alpha Leader: Bravo, we’re moving!

Bravo Team: We’ve been made!

Alpha Leader: Zulu, cut power.

Zulu Team: Cutting

Bravo Team: Alpha, go! Go! Go!

Alpha Leader: Bravo take nine I’ve got ten.

Zulu Team: Power cut.

Bravo Team: Then why are we seeing lights?

Alpha Leader: They’ve got auxiliary

Bravo Team: Freeze!!

(Sounds of automatic machine gun fire and shouting)

Voices throughout: Freeze, get down, freeze!

Bravo Team: Behind you, behind you.

Alpha Leader: I see him, south corridor.

Bravo Team: Nine clear. I’ve got him cornered in an office. He’s barricaded.

D.J. Dan (in background): Who do they have barricaded?

Alpha Leader: We need a ram.

(Sound of door being broken down.)

Alpha Leader: Hands behind your back, knees to the floor.

Zulu Team: We’ve got him.

Bravo Team: No that’s not Mittelwerk. He’s a look alike. Repeat, our target’s still loose.

Zulu Team: Where is he?

Voice of Mittelwerk: Gentlemen, I’m sorry to have to do this…

Bravo Team: We’ve got a radio over here.

Voice of Mittelwerk: I can’t have my work compromised. You should run!

Bravo Team: The place is wired. Go! Go!

(Sound of people running…)

Voice of Mittelwerk: Namaste!

(Sound of large explosion and then radio silence…)

D. J. Dan: Oh, oh my, my, my god.

Rachel: Oh my god.

D. J. Dan: Rachel, that was the authorities! They were at The Hanso Foundation. That sounded like Thomas Werner Mittlewerk.

Rachel: Yeah.

D. J. Dan: Oh my god! Rachel, is this because of the video you shot? Is this because... Oh my god. Rachel. The world needs to know what's going on here. You need to tell us what's happening.

Rachel: O.K., if you want to know the whole truth, you will go to ABC.com in five minutes. It's all there everything...

D. J. Dan: We're gonna get them Rachel. Mittlewerk… Folks this is incredible. Mittlewerk appears to have escaped from a raid trying to find him, he's blown up the Hanso Foundation Building, Rachel we're going to get this guy, thanks to you right?

Rachel: Yeah, thank you, I gotta go! Bye!


D. J. Dan: Don't… Folks, this is amazing. We were in there! We were listening to the raid on the Hanso Foundation. I don't know how many soldiers, police officers, Interpol. Folks, I, uh, uh don’t know what was going on there but you have got to go to ABC.com. Rachel has some very important information that she has to impart on you folks and this is just spectacular. I've never seen the like a live raid on the Hanso Foundation, this is beyond even I and Conspirispies could ever imagine. Um, you know I think you all should go to ABC.com. I'm gonna sign off. We're going to go off the air, folks, because right now it's just time for the truth and I think you all need to go there to check it out. So folks, this is D.J. Dan Shutting Down the Man. Johnny, give us something out.

Outro music.

Johnny: You've been listening to the D.J. Dan show, Shutting Down the Man on Radio Harvest dot com. Music, More, Any Time. Your internet radio provider Radio Harvest dot com.

D. J. Dan: ABC.com. Go there for the truth.

Johnny: Tune in now.

(Sound of talking in the studio…clapping…)

(Fade to song…)

Running length: approximately 1 hour 38 minutes

Tuesday, August 15, 2006



Static/reverb/man’s voice: Stand by… We don’t know anything…

D. J. Dan intro music plays.

Singing: D. J. Dan

D. J. Dan: Hunting down the man, folks. I’m D. J. Dan and this is my partner, Tonya, right in here with me and many of you have been wondering where I’ve been, folks. Why did the podcast just dry out one day? Why did I leave you all alone, picking up the pieces? Well people, turns out, after my little live chat with the conspiraspy formerly known as Persephone, my sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous Music) Persephone!

D. J. Dan and Tonya: (Laughter)

D. J. Dan: No, no, no lets try that again folks, my sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): Uh!

D. J. Dan: My sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (semi-whisper) The Hanso Foundation.

D. J. Dan: …brought down their pastel colored hammer of oppression on me and Tonya. So we’ve been away awhile, gathering strength, getting into adventures, walking the earth like Caine in Kung Fu. But we’re back folks, taking your calls at 800-942-4704. You call me. You ask, I answer. But you know, Tonya… Tonya, Tonya, Tonya, Tonya, you know what I can’t stand?

Tonya: Ah, an empty can of aerosol cheese.

D. J. Dan: Oh, so that was you huh?

Tonya: Dan, this gig isn’t exactly what you call catered.

D. J. Dan: Tonya, I feel that I feed you the satisfaction of a job well done. Is that not enough?

Tonya: Ask the can of cheese.

D. J. Dan: Oh, Tonya. Tonya… I repeat; do you know what I can’t stand?

Tonya: I know you’re going to tell me.

D. J. Dan: Tonya, what I can’t stand is reading, watching, breathing more news than ever but getting less from it than ever. And do you know why? Do you know why?

Tonya: D. J. Dan: Isn’t this entire show kinda devoted to this topic?

D. J. Dan: Tonya, Tonya, Tonya…. Because of the MAN!!!!

Tonya: Actually, two shows now… Back to BACK!!!!

D. J. Dan: It’s time for a new segment folks. A new segment that I like to call…

Announcer: (Johnny): Conspiracies in the news.

D. J. Dan: That’s right… Conspiracies in the news. Tonya, hit me with the first one will ‘ya?

Tonya: Video shows adults using kids to steal.

D. J. Dan: From the Associated Press. A woman turned herself into police today after a store surveillance camera captured footage of two small children sneaking behind display cases to steal thousands of dollars in jewelry. Apparently, on instructions from the mother and granddaughter. Folks, ah, this is a conspiracy, O.K., ah, why control the kids, why control the adults when you can control the whole family. We’re talking about orbital mind control lasers here. Conspiracy In The News. These are parents, they’re not using the kids, the government is using the kids. Tonya, shoot me another headline will ‘ya?

Tonya: Robot shopping carts follow you around.

D. J. Dan: From the Associated Press, folks, ah, its looks almost like any other shopping cart except sensors allow it to follow the shopper around the supermarket and slow down when needed so that items can be placed in it and it never crashes into anyone’s heels. Folks, I got a warning for you here, O.K., the story you’re being told here is not… basically it, it officially means we’re one step closer to…

Announcer (Johnny): Singularity!

D. J. Dan: The singularity, folks, the moment when all machine consciousness on the face of the earth becomes one and takes over. Didn’t the people who invented these robot-shopping carts ever watch Battlestar Galactica? We get these shopping carts, folks; you better start figuring out how to pilot a viper. That’s all I got to say to you, folks. Tonya, shoot me with another conspiracy story, will ya?

Tonya: You know anybody who needs an anti-stupid pill.

D. J. Dan: From Reuters. A German scientist has been testing an anti-stupid pill, folks, this is a scam. Anti-stupidity pills, c’mon, anyone stupid enough to take an anti-stupid pill is obviously beyond the point of help. The Man is just trying to make its job of tagging the expendable people even easier. You take the anti-stupidity pill, folks, you might as well draw a bull’s eye around your forehead, alright. Tonya, shoot me with the last headline here.

Tonya: Designer creates floating bed.

D. J. Dan: A designer creates a floating bed. From Reuters. A young Dutch architect has created a floating bed, which hovers above the ground through magnetic force and comes with a price tag of 1.2 million Euros. Johnny, how many dollars is that?

Announcer (Johnny): 1.45 million dollars.

D. J. Dan: Folks, folks, c’mon, this is a conspiracy. This is just the first step towards space efficient involuntary human electromagnetic body farming. Haven’t you people seen the Matrix? I have. You’ll float your way right into a system of bio-electric human batteries, folks. Let’s get another story here. I’m. I’m on a roll here. I want another story.

Tonya: Ooh, OK, Cypriots searching for phantom monkey beggar.

D. J. Dan: Is it a serious Ape? Someone’s pet monkey? The product of overactive imaginations? Ahh, folks, c’mon this is a hoax. It’s really the chupacabra.

Tonya: The what?

Announcer (Johnny): El Chupacabra.

D. J. Dan: Let’s have Johnny tell ya, Tonya.

Announcer (Johnny): El Chupacabra.

D. J. Dan: El Chupacabra, folks. The chupacabra. We’re talking about the Puerto Rican vampire monster. O.K. Actually the chupacabra has been spotted in Argentina, Bolivia, all over Central America. Let me tell you about the Chupacabra. Everyone knows the island of Munedo, which is less than five miles off the coast of Puerto Rico between Puerto Rico and the Dominican Republic is actually host to a NASA facility. And the chupacabra may just be an alien escaped from that facility. Folks, you heard it hear first. Tonya lets hear the next question. Let’s hear the next headline. Can you give that to me?

Tonya: Huh, Bush takes three history books on vacation.

D. J. Dan: Associated Press. Crawford, Texas. President Bush’s vacation is shorter this year and so is… folks, folks everybody knows that when the President goes to his ranch in Crawford, Texas he’s not there to unplug, he’s there to plug in, folks. He’s recharging, all right. How do I know this? All right, Presidential debates, couple of years ago, a mysterious box in the back of President Bush’s, ah, jacket, folks. There’s a device inside of vise-president Chaney’s ribcage, ladies and gentlemen. I see a remote control receiver and a remote control-a-meter. Folks, you heard it here first. You know, why can’t these reporters, these journalists, rise to the challenge of the day and report the real story? Why can’t they stamp out their fear and stand up to their giganto-global corporate bosses. You ever hear of the Great Man Theory, Tonya?

Tonya: Yep.

D. J. Dan: You know where I’m going with this?

Tonya: How could I ever?

D. J. Dan: Ah, well, for those of you who don’t know conspiraspies, the Great Man Theory basically looks at history plotted around the actions and lives of great men and women. You know what I’m talkin’ about! Without Orville Redenbacher, microwave popcorn just does not exist. Without Lyndon Johnson making a deal with the Roswell aliens we don’t get Velcro. Great men, people. Now mind you when I say great I don’t always mean good, conspiraspies. Greatness comes in all shapes and forms. Greatness can be evil. Stalin. Sadaam. Mr. Burns. Hitler. Hey, without Adolph Hitler World War II does not happen. At least not the way it did. But then again without Churchill and Roosevelt, Einstein, Oppenheimer that very same war does not go our way. The Fascists win and I’m stuck wearing jackboots and folks, D. J. Dan does not look good in jackboots.

Tonya: Amazing how you always bring it back to you, D. J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, that’s a talent. Back to today… Where are the heroes, people? Where’s today’s Rosa Parks? And by the barnacled beard of Poseidon what kills me… what keeps me hopped up on fizz, sugar, and powdered doughnuts banging my head against the wall, is that I even have to ask the question. Why? Why in this age of instant information, of real-time video, of genocide and injustice, why in this age of irrefutable evidence of the alien conspiracy taking place in the highest levels of world government do we even need these heroes? Why aren’t we, the masses, getting it done? Why aren’t we shutting it down? Do we honestly believe that by the mere inertia of our frustration we’re going to get anything to change? C’mon people. Look at Al Gore. Look at Al Gore. Loses the presidency in 2000. Big loser. Or as Johnny likes to say…

Announcer (Johnny): Big loser!

D. J. Dan: That’s right Johnny but then something happened. He takes that anger, the frustration stirs it with love he has for his country and the planet and he does something. Al Gore devotes himself to save the earth from global warming. And even though he’s completely missed out on the Zeptown Six collection, folks, the boy might actually do it. The way I do it with the show. I take all the nasty, bad and awful, I throw in a little D.J. Dan humor in it and spin it around look it in the eye and feed it to you conspiraspies so you can do something about it. I turn the problem into the solution. Hell, I even have some fun along the way. Ain’t that right, Tonya?

Tonya: Still waiting for that day!

D. J. Dan: Oh, Tonya, will you marry me? Now, critics out there like to dispute the Great Man Theory. They say its all small events piled up, waves upon waves, creating a tidal change. You know that whole butterfly flaps its wings and there goes New Orleans point of view. But I say we need our great men and great woman. Without them things don’t happen. Things like Watergate. I’ll say it once; Nixon does not resign if not for Woodward and Bernstein. It’s a fact! And that’s what I see when I read the news. I see the wrong story being told. But I’m here to tell you right now. I’m here to tell you about our very own Woody and Bernie versus Tricky Dick match-up that’s happening right now and nobody’s talking about it. I’m talking, of course, and oh lord, I feel the spirits…

Tonya: Oh boy….

D. J. Dan: Tonya feels them too!

Announcer (Johnny): Testify!

D. J. Dan: Testify!

Tonya: No, I don’t.

D. J. Dan: Tonya, whatever you do don’t. Tonya, I’m talkin’ about an organization that it’s both above moral and international law. I’m talkin’ about a group of people that refuse to tell one straight truth. Not even one so simple, who’s running the damn place? Is it Alvar Hanso? Is it Mittelwerk? Is it Bugs Bunny? Who? We don’t know. But I think conspiraspies that you know what I’m talkin’ about. I’m talkin’ about pure evil and delicious Apollo Candy coating. You do know and if you don’t you should know, I’m talkin’ about my sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation!

D. J. Dan: And folks I’m talkin’ about the one person who’s truly stood up to these creeps. The one whose pretty neck is not only on the line but over the line. I’m talkin’ about Rachel Blake conspiraspies. She shut down their website. She exposed their crimes. She followed them, risked her life, chased them to Sri Lanka to film whatever the hell’s going on with this so-called Spider Protocol. And she’s shown it all to us with no regard to her own personal safety. Hey, she is a hero! But hey, I like you have a lot of questions. That’s what this show is about. Unanswered questions. I want to know what you think about Rachel and everything else. Do we need her? What’s her personal agenda? Is Persephone he Bad Twin? Or her real alias? Ha! Ha, ha, h, ha, ha! Just who the heck is this girl? Does it matter? Has she not galvanized us? Is she not a great woman? You know what, Tonya? I think that Rachel Blake needs to be conspiraspy of the year!

Tonya: Alright.

D. J. Dan: There you go folks… Conspiraspy of the Year! Thank you! Whooo! C’mon everybody! C’mon.

Sound of people clapping and yelling.

D. J. Dan: Can you give it to me?

Announcer (Johnny): Conspiracy of the year!

D. J. Dan: Well folks, I think Johnny’s been hitting the Red Bull a little hard tonight but you know what folks? Right now, right now, you know I could just go on about unanswered questions, I could go on ranting, hell, I could even play you a song about the man, but you know what were going to do folks? You know what I’m gonna take the first of your calls right now! I wasn’t supposed to do this until like five minutes from now but were getting swamped. We’re getting calls from all over the place at 800-942-4704. And the lovely Tonya is pickin’ out callers. Tonya who do we have?

Tonya: Line number nine, Christopher from New York.

D. J. Dan: Christopher from New York, ah, Chris, ah, you’re on live with D. J. Dan.

Christopher: Hey D. J. Dan, I just wanted to ask a question, do you know anything about the
Valenzetti Equation, or um the DHARMA initiative?

D. J. Dan: The Valen, the Valen, what… Of course I know about the Valenzetti Equation! Folks, of course I know about the Valenzetti Equation, the Valenzetti Equation, as we all know those of us who’ve been tracking the movements of Rachel Blake, is the equation that is supposed to predict the end of the world. It was designed by Italian mathematician, Enzo Valenzetti, am I right?

Christopher: Yeah.

D. J. Dan: Well what d’ya wanna know about it? What is your theory about the Valenzetti Equation?

Christopher: Well its, of course, everyone knows it predicts the exact years and months, but I was wondering, who like when, you know, when?

D. J. Dan: Oh you mean when, well you mean like think D. J. Dan here is running the Valenzetti Equation like I’ve got a bunch of trained monkeys and a room with a bunch of calculators running this equation telling me the end of the world. Do you think I’d be here, do you think I’d be ranting here about doughnuts, about Berlin, about god knows what if I knew when the world was ending? Of course I wouldn’t. I don’t think anybody knows Chris, and by the way, as for the DHARMA initiative, well you know what, I once mistook the DHARMA initiative for the Karma Imperative, but ah, but Tonya set me right and it turns out the Karma Imperative is actually the band that Keith Strutter was in before he was in Geronimo Jackson. (Laughs). So folks, that’s all I got to say about that. Chris thank you very much for your question, we’re gonna take, we’re gonna take another caller. ‘Cause I’m lit! I’m ready! Give me another caller Tonya!

Tonya: Line five, from Amwok in Seattle.

D. J. Dan: Yeah hi, Amwok in Seattle. What is your name?

Vin: Ah, my, name’s Vin Murphy.

D. J. Dan: Vin Murphy, Vin do you have a question for D. J. Dan? Do you have an observation? Do you know where Alvar Hanso is?

Vin: D. J. Dan. Ah yes, D. J. Dan. I’d like to know if you have any connections with Alvar Hanso or Rachel Blake?

D. J. Dan: Oh I’ve got a connection with Alvar Hanso alright. He’s only the head of the corporation that I call my sworn nemesis…

Vin: Really?

Announcer (Johnny): The Hanso Foundation.

D. J. Dan: That’s my connection to Alvar Hanso, I hate his guts! Alright, Rachel Blake, I’ll tell you about Rachel Blake. She’s lovely, she’s delightful, she’s sparky. She knows a thing or two about computers folks. She called my show, I’m in love. That’s my connection to her. You know what, I’ve got even more connections to Rachel Blake, I’ll tell ya what I know about Rachel Blake. Rachel Blake has actually contacted me through very surreptitious channels and given me, given me, a hint about the location of something we like to call a glyph, or as Johnny likes to call it…

Announcer (Johnny): Super glyph!

D. J. Dan: That’s right. I know where the next glyph is folks. Well, maybe not the next one, but I know where a glyph is going to be sometime in the next week and if you stay tuned to D. J. Dan, I am going to tell you exactly where that glyph, well I’m gonna give you a hint ‘cause, you know, nothing here comes for free of course. So folks, you gotta stay tuned, you gotta keep your calls coming in 800-942-4704. And you know what? I think we got time for one more caller before we go to song, what do you think Tonya?

Tonya: Great.

D. J. Dan: Excellent.

Tonya: O.K. on line seven, we’ve got Matt from Freemont, California.

D. J. Dan: Matt from Freemont, California. Matty, you’re on live with D. J. Dan.

Matt: Hey D. J. Dan, I just had a quick question for ya.

D. J. Dan: Well then you better give it to me quickly.

Matt: Well, um, there’s a rumor going round the internet that you’re actually Peter Thompson of the Hanso Foundation.

(D. J. Dan, Tonya and Johnny all laugh)

D. J. Dan (interrupting Matt): But folks, I…ah Matt, Matt, I gotta tell you something O.K.?

Matt: O.K.

D. J. Dan: That question will be addressed in the show, just not right now. But I have a whole segment about that, cause I feel I need to talk about it. The idea that I could be connected to the Hanso Foundation, folks, its ridiculous, it’s ludicrous. I’m shutting down the man. I’m shutting down… You know what, Matt, Matt Matt, Matt. Matt, can I ask you something politely?

Matt: O.K. sure.

D. J. Dan: Would you mind if I shut you down?

Matt: No let me…

D. J. Dan: Shutdown!

Matt: But Rachel Blake…

D. J. Dan: Shutdown!… Well folks we’re a little bit slow on the trigger here at D. J. Dan but I promise you by the time we careen into our third hour you’ll be hearing those sound effects like that! Here we go…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) Shutdown!

D. J. Dan: Folks we’re gonna go to a song, one of my favorite songs about the man and we’ll be back with more of your calls and more of our segments coming right up.

The song "Ohio" by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young plays.

Singing: D. J. Dan!

Monster.com advertisement plays.

Singing: D. J. Dan!

Announcer (Johnny): Coming to you live, from the end of the rainbow, its D. J. Dan, Shutting down the Man! And now, once again, D. J. Dan!

D. J. Dan: Folks, I'm D. J. Dan, I'm back, and I'm takin’ your calls. 1-800-942-4704. Folks, in our last segment, I said a little something about a woman that I like to call Rachel Blake, or Persephone, perhaps. Folks, I love her, she loves you, that's why she's fighting out there for us, for you, for me, and there's something that we want to talk about here that has to do with Rachel Blake. And that is glyphs. Or as Johnny likes to call them…

Announcer (Johnny): Mega-glyphs.

D. J. Dan: Glyphs, folks! You're looking for them, I'm looking for them, Tonya, are you looking for the glyphs?

Tonya: Hell yeah!

D. J. Dan: All right, that’s what I'm talkin’ about! My mother’s… Johnny, you looking for them?

Announcer (Johnny): Sniffing out the glyphs.

D. J. Dan: That's right folks. Well, you know what? I happen to know where, uh, one of the next glyphs is gonna show up. There's a bunch of them, and I know where one of them’s gonna come. But I can't just hand it to you folks, because that would be contrary to the whole spirit of conspiracy, it would be contrary to the whole spirit of D. J. Dan. Nothing comes for free. Well, actually, my lovely, mellifluous voice comes to you for free from the internet, right through…

Announcer (Johnny): Radio Harvest… Your internet radio.

D. J. Dan: That's right folks. So you want to know where this glyph is gonna show up? Well folks? Well, it isn't gonna be on the Intranets, if you know what I'm talking about folks. It's gonna be somewhere live, somewhere physical, it's gonna be in a physical space. You wanna know where that space is? I'll tell you right now. I'm not gonna tell you. I'm gonna give you a hint. It's gonna appear on Monday, it's gonna appear on Monday, and it's gonna be prominently on display somewhere in a major American city.

D. J. Dan, Johnny, and Tonya: Ooooooh.

D. J. Dan: That's mysterious.

Announcer (Johnny): America.

D. J. Dan: That's right. If you're in the U.K., you're listening just from Australia...

Tonya: The heartland.

D. J. Dan: That’s right… No. No, it's not in the heartland. It's a major American city.

Tonya: Oh.

D. J. Dan: That's right Tonya.

Announcer (Johnny): Metropolis.

D. J. Dan: That's right. You gotta listen to me, D. J. Dan, once, once for a change, folks. Alright, but you know what, folks? Now, you've got...

Tonya: Only if you pay me.

D. J. Dan: Well you know what? I pay you with the satisfaction of a job well done. I pay you with the knowledge that you work alongside a great man! Folks! I'm tired of tooting my own horn. I think we need to talk to someone, from, from, from, from out there, from the world, or something I like to call…

Announcer (Johnny): You ask, he answers.

D. J. Dan: I ask, no, you ask, I might ask, I might ask you something. Do we have a caller? Tonya?

Tonya: Line two, Peter from England.

D. J. Dan: Peter from England. Peter!

Peter: Hi, Dan?

D. J. Dan: Yes it is Dan. Is this Peter?

Peter: Oh, yes, it's Peter.

D. J. Dan: A pleasure to meet you.

Peter: You go on.

D. J. Dan: No, no, you go on, please.

Peter: Dan?

D. J. Dan: Yes, I'm here.

Peter: Hello?

D. J. Dan: Yes, Peter, it's D. J. Dan. I'm here for you. Come on, let's hear it.

Announcer (Johnny): Not America.

Peter: I was wondering if you had an opinion on where Rachel's mum is. Is she still alive?

D. J. Dan: Rachel's mother. Hmm... That’s interesting because I've been getting a lot of questions about Rachel Blake's mother. Is she still alive? You know what? The fact is, there is no information out there about Rachel. What do you think about Rachel's mother? Do you think she's still alive?

Peter: Can anybody hear me?

D. J. Dan: Yes, we can hear you; we're hearing you right now. Peter, are you there? Folks, we seem to be losing the...

Tonya sings "Peter, can you hear me?" (To the tune "Tommy" by the Who.)

Peter: (unintelligible)

D. J. Dan: Well, folks, we're gonna talk about whether Rachel's mom is alive. But, Peter, I wanna know what your opinion is on Rachel's mom. Do you think she's alive? Folks? Folks, we're losing the signal, folks. I’m sorry Peter I'm gonna have to shut you down. Shutdown! Let's talk about Rachel's mom. I don't know where Rachel's mom is. I don't know that Rachel knows where Rachel's mom is, she's a mystery character, she's shrouded in secrecy. But then again, so is Rachel's father. Huh? That's all I'm saying. As in, "Rachel, I am your father." (In Darth Vader voice) That's right folks. You know what, you know what folks, I'm feeling frisky. Let's take another call. Tonya, who you got for me?

Tonya: Line five, Tyler in Ohio.

D. J. Dan: Tyler in Ohio. Tyler, you are live with D. J. Dan.

Tonya: Tyler?

D. J. Dan: Tyler, are you there? Hey, how ya doin?

Tyler: What do you really know about the Hanso Foundation?

D. J. Dan: What do I really know about the Hanso Foundation?

Tyler: Give it up… we know you know soemthin’...

D. J. Dan: Oh, I know all sorts of things about the Hanso Foundation. You know what, you know what? I could do an hour, I could do two hours; I could do three hours about the Hanso Foundation! I mean, okay? Let's talk about torture and the Hanso Foundation, O.K.. They torture monkeys, O.K.? They have an orangutan in captivity. They torture autistic savants at the Hanso Foundation, alright? They torture everyone. Hey, they torture me with their damn commercials, that's what I'm talking about. You think I like watching that pompous blow-hard Thomas Mittlewerk pontificating on television about “spirited debate”? Folks, the guy squashes spirited debate. I've seen it; he was squashing it outside my door the other day, folks. That's what I'm talking about. You wanna know what I know about the Hanso Foundation? You stay tuned, because I'll tell you what I know about the Hanso Foundation.

Tyler: Yeah?

D. J. Dan: I'm sorry? Yeah, you know what? I'm having a little communication issue here. I think we're gonna shut this call down. Shutdown! All right, you know what folks? I think now that we've taken a couple of calls, and I'm sorry that I’m shutting so many of you down, it's not that I don't love you, it's because you exasperate me. Folks, talking about things that exasperate me, one thing that exasperates me is the topic of our next segment here it is...

Announcer (Johnny): Dangerous substance of the day...

D. J. Dan: Folks, we talk about dangerous substances here all the time, and most of the dangerous substances are engineered by the man. That's right, I'm talking about Benzine, Polyditectrahexamono octazine, I'm talking about Polydichloriceuthenol, but folks, what is our Dangerous substance of the day? Our Dangerous substance for today is parsley! Freakin' parsley folks! It does nothing! It smells funny and grows in abundance and I get the feeling that it's a lot smarter than it looks. How can an innocuous little green thing wind up in every one of your meals, folks? It’s everywhere… It's in your breakfast, it's in your lunch, it’s your dinner...

Tonya: Dan?

D. J. Dan: Yes, Tonya?

Tonya: It actually does do something...

D. J. Dan: Oh, it does? What does it do?

Tonya: It freshens your breath.

D. J. Dan: No no no, that is a lie. That is a lie spread by the man. Folks, I bet if you look it up, if you look it up, you’ll find that there is some white Anglo-Saxon Protestant mesomorph out there who owns a massive parsley plantation. That's what I am talking about.

Tonya: Dan.

D. J. Dan: Tonya, don't eat the parsley.

Tonya: Ah, I have a feeling if it were on a doughnut, you would eat it.

D. J. Dan: Well Tonya I mean... I… you know, you know... O.K., this just ticks me off to no end,
Tonya. You know what? How could you put doughnuts and parsley together like that? Doughnuts are the most benign, beautiful, wonderful, glorious substance on the earth, and you're talking about...

Tonya: But wait, you would eat it, wouldn't you?

D. J. Dan: Doughnuts have been around for almost 5,000 years Tonya. It's in the Bible. O.K. The Old Test… there are doughnuts in the Old Testament, that’s what I’m saying here... I mean they were suppressed by the man obviously, there in the back, anyway, the point being, the point being, in over 5,000 years of doughnut history, there has never been such thing as a parsley doughnut, and there never will be. Folks, I'm tired of this talk about doughnuts. I want to go to some calls, or as Johnny likes to call it…

Announcer (Johnny): You ask Dan answers.

D. J. Dan: You ask, I answer. O.K., who do we have, Tonya?

Tonya: Line five, Rara, Rarra? Simeena, from Anchoz, Alabama.

D. J. Dan: Oh my god, we've got to talk to that person.

Tonya: Did I say that correctly?

D. J. Dan: I don't know. Let's get her on the line. Hi, you're on live with D. J. Dan. Line five. Rara Simeena, from Alabama.

Rara Simeena: Actually I’m from Anchorage, Alaska.

D. J. Dan: Anchorage, Alaska? How did we get Alabama out of that? I'm firing our screeners, each and every one of them. (Sound of whistle) Now, how do we pronounce your name, please?

Rara Simeena: It’s Rara Simeena.

D. J. Dan: Rara Simeena. That is a lovely name. So, tell me. It's-it's-it's-it's not as lovely as Daniel Lapinsky though, but, you know, we take what we get. Ok, so what is your question?

Rara Simeena.: Um, actually I was wondering what you thought about the video fragment we got yesterday with the guy who was supposedly Alvar Hanso?

D. J. Dan: Now wait a minute… here's what I want to know. How do you know that guy’s Alvar Hanso? What makes you think that guy’s Alvar Hanso?

Rara Simeena: Personally, I do not think he is, but a lot of people on the internet are saying he is saying he is.

D. J. Dan: All right now, what makes you think that it's not Alvar Hanso? My feeling is that I think that he's probably some progenitor of the DeGroots. That's my personal theory. Why do you not think that he's Alvar Hanso?

Rara Simeena: I don't think he is just because of the picture we previously got of him from the U.N. council, from 1967...

D. J. Dan: Yeah, bit of a Dirk square-jawed in that picture, wasn't he?

Rara Simeena: Right.

D. J. Dan: Uh ha, The guy in the video, he looks kinda soft, kinda, kinda soft around the chin, doesn't he?

Rara Simeena: Yes, he does.

D. J. Dan: O.K., is that the sole basis of your theory?

Rara Simeena: Partly, and I just don't think that Alvar would be on the orientation videos himself.

D. J. Dan: Why do you think that Alvar wouldn't do that for himself? That's very interesting.

Rara Simeena: I just think he's too secretive to come out in the open like that.

D. J. Dan: Well that raises a very interesting question… Do you think Alvar is secretive or do you think that maybe someone is hiding him?

Rara Simeena: Actually, it could be either way.

D. J. Dan: Either way?

Rara Simeena: I really don't know.

D. J. Dan: I see... You know what, you know what? Can I do something right now?

Rara Simeena: Sure.

D. J. Dan: Would you mind if I shut you down?

Rara Simeena: Sure. Go ahead.

D. J. Dan: Shutdown! You're a great sport. Thank you very much. O.K. folks, I'm gonna take one more call. Let’s take another call. Who do we have here?

Tonya: Line two. We have Kipper from New Zealand.

D. J. Dan: Kipper from New Zealand, on line two. Kipper, you're on with D. J. Dan.

Kipper: Hey, hey, what's up man?

D. J. Dan: Not much, how are you doing?

Kipper: I'm doing good. Listen, I'm also known as GateKipper on the net, I wrote the song “Song for Rachel”.

Tonya: (Laughter)

D. J. Dan: You wrote a song for Rachel? Could you hum a few bars for me?

Kipper: Ah, yeah, oh man, I forgot how it goes.

D. J. Dan: You forgot how your song goes?

Tonya: You wrote the song, and you forgot how it goes?

Kipper: Dude, I'm nervous man. I'm in New Zealand, and this is America.

D. J. Dan: That is a affair to remember with you and Rachel, huh? So Kipper, you wrote a song about Rachel? So clearly, you are for Rachel. You like the Rachel Blake, right?

Kipper: Totally, man, totally.

D. J. Dan: So what is your question? What do you got for me today?

Kipper: Well, um, you know how you're sort of connected with Rachel and all that?

D. J. Dan: Well, I'm not as connected as I'd like to be, but I think I know what you're talkin’ about.

Kipper: Yeah man, well, you know, us brother's have got to stick together, so I was wondering if you could give me her number?

D. J. Dan: Dude, if I had Rachel's number, do you think I'd give it to you. I don't know that Rachel has a number. Rachel is underground my friend, she is underground, incommunicado. You know what? Rachel Blake, right now, I don't think that anyone can find her. I think that if she had a number, it would be right in the hands of my arch nemeses…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation. (Sinister voice)

D. J. Dan: And I think that's why she does not have a number. Thank you so much for your call Kipper, really appreciate it.

Kipper: I heard that, my friend.

D. J. Dan: Folks, you know what, folks, that was our last phone-call answer, and I'd like to go to a little something I like to call:

Announcer (Johnny): D. J. Dan's mailbag!

D. J. Dan: That's right, I have a bag, it's a brand-new bag, and it carries mail. Folks, I've been getting mail all week since we posted our covert email number. And ah, Tonya, you've got some questions from me, from online. What do you got?

Tonya: Lets see… from Joseph.

D. J. Dan: Uh-huh.

Tonya: He says: In the grand scheme of all things conspiracy, how many people are at the top of the food chain? I mean, are we battling a handful of crotchety leftovers from the Cold War era, or are we pitted against an army? An army of mis-informers and miscreants.

D. J. Dan: Oh, dear Lord! What, did you write War and Peace? Who is this, Marcel Proust?

Tonya: Hold on! There's more.

D.J. Dan: There's more? Oh dear lord!

Tonya: To put it in real-world terms, I know I should be vigilant when going to the bank or the DMV. But should I also keep up my guard at the dry-cleaners? And the liquor store? Wrangling “The Man” can be tiring work. Just wanted to know if there is ever a break?

D. J. Dan: Ah. Let's take a break right now from fighting the man, shall we? Who is this? Is it Marcel Proust writing this freakin' email?

Announcer (Johnny): Sounds of snoring.

Tonya: (Laughter)

D.J. Dan: I mean, good lord, I had a birthday while you were reading that, O.K. Let me tell you something. There is never a break from fighting the man. He's got more?! He's got more?!? No...
Tonya: A bonus question...

D. J. Dan: Oh dear lord! I like to answer the first one, if you please. You know what folks, there is never a break from fighting the man. Talk to Rachel Blake. She's out there, she's underground. She’s got no phone number Kipper. You hear me? No phone number. You wanna know why? Because she's out fighting the man. And not just the man, it's the man in the shape of my arch nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation. (More sinister voice) He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he.

D. J. Dan: Folks, that's all the time I got for D. J. Dan's mailbag. We'll do a little bit more of that in a second... But first, you know what? Before we go back to taking calls, before we go to another song about the man, I'd like to address something, and that something that I'd like to address is...

Announcer (Johnny): Top five misconceptions about D. J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: Folks, top five… there are many misconceptions. These are the top ones. Let's start from, let’s start from the bottom.

Announcer (Johnny): At number five!

D. J. Dan: D. J. Dan is not Peter Thompson. Fenris, you are wrong!

Announcer (Johnny): Number four!

D. J. Dan: D. J. Dan is not an employee of the Hanso Foundation. Which is why I'm not Peter Thompson. How can I be Peter Thompson if I were employed at the Hanso Foundation, which I'm not? O.K. folks, let's get to another one.

Announcer (Johnny): At number three!

D. J. Dan: D. J. Dan is not the other D. J. Dan, folks. D. J. Dan is a techno D.J., his name is D. J. Daniel Wherrett. He's world-renowned. He's worked with some of the best in the business, including New Order and Depeche Mode. Tonya you like Depeche Mode?

Tonya: Love 'em. Just some.

D. J. Dan: Let me tell you something. Martin Gore's voice makes me go all dreamy. Folks, folks, there is a real D. J. Dan out there. Respect him, love him, buy his stuff, he’s fantastic.

Announcer (Johnny): Number two!

D. J. Dan: D. J. Dan is not Speaker! Folks, Speaker? Speaker? That guy looks like some commandante Marcos from Chiapas. Have you seen his picture? Good lord! I am out there. You can see my receding hairline in my pictures. That is right. And now…

Announcer (Johnny): And the number one misconception about D. J. Dan…

D. J. Dan: D. J. Dan is not Javier Grillo-Marxuach. I don't know who that guy is O.K.? Some writer-producer from that awful insidious show Lost, who is out there looking a lot like me in photos, folks. I am not that man, O.K.? First of all, he said that I have a reedy voice. Folks, this melodious, golden baritone is reedy? What is he talking about? And I want to talk to you about that T.V. show Lost, O.K.? First of all, I don't know what kind of people take money, folks, from my sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation. (High pitched) He, he.

D. J. Dan: I don't understand how they can take money from the Hanso Foundation. With their commercials on the air and do this massive narrative fictional narrative about how great the Hanso Foundation is, building hatches on islands and stuff like that. That guy Javier Grillo-Marxuach wrote for that show, those guys are insidious, their awful, and they disgust me, and they disgust Rachel Blake. You know what? I was at Comic-Con, and I saw Rachel Blake, and those guys had the temerity, had the guts, the huevos, to pull out the Opus Dei argument. Opus Dei? All right, look we all agree that "The Da Vinci Code" was one of the most researched books in the history of publishing. I'm not gonna deny that. However, it’s one thing for Dan Brown to tell the truth about Opus Dei, it is another thing for these guys, these monkeys, who write and produce Lost, to go up there and say, “That because Dan Brown used Opus Dei in his book, it's okay for them to use my sworn nemeses…”

Announcer (Johnny): (ominous music) The Hanso Foundation. (Squeaky high voice)

D. J. Dan: Folks, it is evil. You do not take blood money from the man. They take money from the man. I am not Javier Grillo-Marxuach. I'm telling you that right now. All right folks, we got time for one more call before we go to a break? Who do we have here, Tonya?

Tonya: Line fifteen.

D. J. Dan: Line? Do we have fifteen lines? Holy mackerel!

Tonya: Apparently we do.

Announcer (Johnny): Too many lines.

D. J. Dan: Who's on line fifteen?

Tonya: Alex from New York City.

D. J. Dan: Alex from New York City. Alex, are you there?

Alex: Yeah, I'm here D.J.

D. J. Dan: O.K. Do you got a question for me Alex? Because time is running out!

Alex: Alright, well, what do you think, why is Rachel Blake doing all this, why do you think she's trying to expose the Hanso Foundation… Apart from their being evil, what are the personal reasons that they have?

D. J. Dan: Does it… Do you think it takes any reason other than just than the mere presence of evil to be galvanized like that, did you not hear anything I said about, uh, about the Great Man Theory?

Alex: I've been listening, but I you know, there's got to be some personal thing…

D. J. Dan: What? Oh you think it's personal, and why do you think its personal Alex? Let’s hear your theory, you know?

Alex: Well, you saw the thing at Comic Con, right?

D. J. Dan: Absolutely, I was there in the audience, I had a copy of The Middle Man, it's a great book. So tell me.

Alex: Yes, did you notice that she said she's living proof of Alvar Hanso?

D. J. Dan: That she is living proof? I think she's living proof, that all of the things that are in that fictional narrative of "Lost" are actually real and that it's all going on in our world as we speak, and that those people are taking blood money, I don't know if that meant anything other than that. But look, if I knew that one the top rated shows in television was advocating the cost of my sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation. (Whispering)

D. J. Dan: I'd be up at Comic Con talking back to those guys as well, I don't know that that means she has any kind of connection to it, I just think she was there because she's galvanized against evil to, see the way… Do you agree?

Alex: Well, yeah but… There's got to be something, she mentioned her mother, and she mentioned a Widmore severance package, everyone knows that Widmore and Hanso, there's something on between them. Mittelwerk and Hanso…

D. J. Dan: Well, everybody knows that Widmore and Hanso are connected, we also know that Widmore, that Widmore, Hanso and Paik are connected, I mean, we've all read that incredible, uh, non-fiction book Bad Twin haven't we?

Alex: Uh, yeah.

D. J. Dan: Alright, alright, alright, so then I think we all know that there really are connections between all of those things. It’s evil, it's terrible. I'm not so sure about Rachel, look, all I know about Rachel Blake is that I love her deeply, and folks, with that, with that in mind we are going to… I am going to say thank you for the call and we are going to go to another song about the man and we'll be back in a couple of minutes with more of your calls. 800-942-4704.

The song "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield plays.

(Note: During the playback of this song the mics in the studio were left open and unintelligble discussion takes place under the song.)

Singing: D. J. Dan

Jeep Compass advertisement plays.

Singing: D. J. Dan

Announcer (Johnny): From under the rotted wood plank in your uncle Frank's front porch, it's Shuttin' Down The Man, and here's D. J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: That's right folks I'm shuttin' it down, you know what folks, I love my Jeep Compass, that's right I drive it, I drive it away from the man! Folks, conspiraspies have all been there, hard day of work; kids cryin' in the backseat, the store's out of bear claws, and that thunderstorm just threatening to ruin your family's weekend picnic to Devil's Tower Do, do, do… do doo (D.J. Dan sings the Close Encounter ditty). Oh yeah, you got a throbber, a header.. a headache that just will not quit, and then you notice, not only is your head pounding, but you can't get any darn reception on your radio tuner. (Static) Yeah, that's right, that's right. Well conspiraspies that means, it's time to ask yourself…

Announcer (Johnny): Headache or bug planted in your skull?

D. J. Dan: Is it just a headache, or do I have a bug planted in my head? Folks, I'm not going to lie to you, it can be tough to tell. The Man is sneaky and he always wants to listen to your words and thoughts. But here are some guidelines that may help you through this all too common crisis. Number one: When you take an Ibuprofin, does the headache go away? If so, it might just be a headache. Huh, how about that? I like that. Guideline number two, when you hold a magnet to your head, do you feel something moving around? Does the pain shoot toward the magnet? Is the magnet now stuck to your face? If so, it might just be a bug, or as Johnny calls it…

Announcer (Johnny): A bug in your skull!

D. J. Dan: Guideline number three, if it is a bug, do this little trick: Whack yourself in the head with a tuning fork. It may not knock the thing out, but it will give your eavesdroppers a mighty good ring in the ears and folks, I like that. Tuning fork equals love. Guideline number four: When you walk by men in black suits standing by black SUV’s with black sunglasses and communications jacks in their ears, do they sorta, kinda follow you around? Do they look at each other and giggle? If so, you might just have…

Announcer (Johnny): A tick in your noggin.

D. J. Dan: (Laughs) Johnny, I love you. Guideline number five: Around the same time you got the headache, did you also find a Halliburton Case containing a recorded message from yourself, telling you to get your ass to Mars, and instructing to put some horrible painful terrible device up your schnoz, to remove the bug planted in your head, if so you might just have…

Announcer (Johnny): A flea in the cerebellum.

D. J. Dan: Folks! Thank you Johnny, and now you know what? It's time for another edition of…

Announcer (Johnny): You ask Dan answers.

D. J. Dan: That's right… I'm taking your calls at 800-942-4704. Who do we have on the line Tonya?

Tonya: Line eight, from Andrew in Los Angeles.

D. J. Dan: Andrew in Los Angeles you're on the air with D. J. Dan.

Andrew: Uh, hi D. J. Dan, uh, long time listener, first time caller in.

D. J. Dan: Oh, excellent, thank you very much Andrew.

Andrew: Oh sure. I have a question, I was over at Comic-Con a month ago, and uh, Carlton Cuse…

D. J. Dan: Now, hang on a second, hang on a second, you were at Comic-Con? You were at Comic-Con?

Andrew: Yes, I was at Comic-Con.

D. J. Dan: Well, what books did you pick up?

Andrew: I, I didn't actually get the glyphs, I took pictures, but I didn't get em'.

D. J. Dan: The glyphs? No, no, no I'm talking about books, comic books; you were there for the comic books weren't you?

Andrew: No, I went to find out more, uh, from Rachel Blake.

D. J. Dan: Oh well, uh excellent, well give me your question, well, well, well, what do you have to say?

Andrew: Uh well, Carlton Cuse talked about the uh, The Global Makeup Consortium by Maybeline, and I wanted to know if you knew more about that.

D. J. Dan: The Global Makeup Conversion by Maybeline?

Tonya: Who?

Andrew: Yes.

Announcer (Johnny): Maybe it's Maybeline.

D. J. Dan: Maybe it's Maybeline, folks, I'm shutting this call down. Shutdown! D. J. Dan don't talk about make-up I'm a man!! A Man's Man! If a man talks about make-up he ain’t a man!!

Announcer (Johnny): Testosterone.

D. J. Dan: That's right here at D. J. Dan. I want another call, one that doesn't talk about make-up. I got nothin' going with make-up, alright, Tonya? Who do we have on the line?

Tonya: Line two, Rontie, from Ohio.

D. J. Dan: Rontie from Ohio on Line two, Rontie, are you on the line?
Rontie: Hello?

D. J. Dan: Hey, this is D. J. Dan.

Rontie: Hey D. J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: So what do you got for me?

Rontie: I received something in the mail today, well, let me back up because I don't want to give out too much information.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, I don't think you should, it sounded pretty creepy my friend.

Rontie: Yeah, well I'm really freaked out. A couple days ago this… I was watchin' Jimmy Kimmel on ABC and there was a commercial for this candy, this Apollo thing.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, yeah, yeah… C'mon speed it up.

Rontie: I got a box of Apollo bars today…

D. J. Dan: Shutdown! Folks, folks, the Apollo bars, c'mon this is the private chocolatier of my sworn nemesis...

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation (Long, drawn-out sinister voice) Ha, ha, ha.

(Laughter by D. J. Dan and Tonya)

D. J. Dan: Thank you Johnny. Folks, the man is greedy, the man is evil, the man doesn't want you to have the good chocolate. That's right. M. David Benson created a chocolate that is, ah, chocolaty at the molecular level folks. It is a scientifically engineered chocolate… It's one of the greatest chocolates of the 21st century. I have had an Apollo bar from the days before they were taken over by my sworn nemesis...

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation (Rapidly)

D. J. Dan: And it was delightful. And that's why Alvar Hanso took that crap over, that's why he's got it and he ain't givin' to us folks 'cause he's the man, lets take another call.

Tonya: Line nine, oh, no name, Unseen Presence from Los Angeles.

D. J. Dan: We have an Unseen Presence from Los Angeles.

Unseen Presence: Hey D. J. Dan, how are you doin'?

D. J. Dan: Hey, Unseen, or is it Mr. Presence?

Unseen Presence: Uh, Mr. Unseen Presence.

D. J. Dan: Mr. Unseen Presence, how formal. How long have you been listening to my show?

Unseen Presence: Since the first time I found it on a podcast.

D. J. Dan: God bless you man. So what you got for me?

Unseen Presence: I got a real question for you Mr. D. J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: Oh, well thank god because, you know what I've been getting crap all night.

Unseen Presence: How can a television show about Flight 815 start the same night that Flight 815 actually crashed?

D. J. Dan: Shutdown! Folks, folks, I'm talkin’ M. C. Esher. I'm talkin’ Albert Einstein. I'm talking about Schrodinger's Cat, O.K. If you got to ask that question, what do you not know about? I'll tell you what you don't know about, M. C. Esher, Albert Einstein, and Schrodinger's Cat, and if you don't know what I'm talkin’ about, you don't know what I'm talking about. I don't know what you're talking about, and we don't understand each other. Do we understand each other? Let’s, let’s get another call. I’ve had enough of this.

Tonya: Line fifteen.

D. J. Dan: Uh huh, Line fifteen, who do we have?

Tonya: Oooh, Ninja.

D. J. Dan: Ninja!

Tonya: From Australia.

D. J. Dan: It's the Lost Ninja! That's right, Ninja you're on the line, it's D. J. Dan. Yes, Ninja?

Ninja: Hi, Hey.

D. J. Dan: Hey, how you doin'?

Ninja: Really well thanks, really well. Glad to see that there's more ninjas out there fighting the truth.

D. J. Dan: I am an honorary ninja. That is true. It happened in Kyoto, I saved a couple of drunken ninjas from a bar fight and they made me an honorary ninja. I got a black sash to prove it. It's fantastic.

Tonya: Except I always kick him.

D. J. Dan: Ah, yes I did, but they love me for it. So, ninja what you got for me?

Ninja: Well, alright, you spoke to Rachel Blake a little while back on your podcast…

D. J. Dan: I did.

Ninja: And we haven't heard from you in a few weeks.

D. J. Dan: That is true.

Ninja: Now, since that time she has come back to the states, and, you know, she hasn't been seen since Comic-Con, but, she quite obviously has been helped hacking the ABC Podcast. Dan.

D. J. Dan: Uh, yes?

Ninja: Are you involved with Rachel? Have you two been on the fly together?

D. J. Dan: You know what? I am, I am like the guy at the sporting event, who’s got his shirt off, and half of him is painted red, and half of him is painted blue and he's going "NINERS", that's me with Rachel Blake, folks. I'm not involved with Rachel. I'm just there. I'm watching her. I'm egging her on, because that's what I do, because I'm a fan of Rachel Blake. Because she's fighting the man in a way that few of us have the guts to ever fight the man. Do I have a connection with Rachel Blake? I'm not saying, I'd like to have a connection with Rachel Blake, but folks, I'm just a fan, I'm watching her, I'm eggin’ her on, and a helping her out. And every once in a while, I might get a message, that happens, and you know what, and as a result, my sworn nemesis...

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation (With vibrato)

D. J. Dan: ... have come after me, that's right with their pastel colored hammer of oppression, but folks, it’s all about helpin’ her out, that's all I'm doing. You know, if she chooses, she deigns to honor me with her presence, that's all I got my friends, Thanks a lot Ninja, I appreciate the call. What's going on? Uh yes, Tonya, you got something for me?

Tonya: We need to take one more call.

D. J. Dan: We need to take one more call, why's that?

Tonya: Line six, Idan from Israel.

D. J. Dan: Idan from Israel.

Tonya: Idan, how you doin?

D. J. Dan: Hey, you're live with D. J. Dan, Idan from Israel.

Idan: Hallo?

D. J. Dan: How are you doin?

Idan: Hi, D. J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: It is D. J. Dan indeed, how can I help you?

Idan: Yeah, I’d like to ask a question, will you ever show yourself to the public?

D. J. Dan: Will I ever show myself to the public, well you know what? I've already shown quite a bit of myself to the public and all it has brought me is comparisons to that jerk writer Javier Grillo-Marxuach so frankly I'm not so sure I wanna show my face, who knows who they're going to compare me to when they see what I look like.

Announcer (Johnny): He's got a face for radio.

D. J. Dan: (laughs) That's right Johnny. Idan, what else can I help you with?

Idan: Ah, can I ask another question?

D. J. Dan: Absolutely, I'm begging you.

Idan: What kind of music do you like and will you ever make a CD?

D. J. Dan: Well you know, ah, actually, ah, ah, ah, I'm very well known for my mellifluous soul voice, I'm actually quite good, I was gonna give old Sam Cooke a run for his money, but I decided to fight the Man instead. Idan, thank you very much for your call, I truly appreciate it. Folks, it's time for me to give you a second glyph hint, no, actually, yes I want to talk to you about the second glyph, O.K. because you know, Rachel has deigned to call me on occasion and I try to help her out, so folks, a major American metropolis, I told you this last time, in a very touristy area. You want to see the glyph, It's gonna happen O.K.? Folks, ah, it's time for a little something I like to call… The Threat Call of the Day, that's right folks, it's a threat call of the day because lots of threat calls to choose from, every once in a while, Johnny and I just like to enact them for you, in a kind of reparatory company style. Johnny? O.K., lots of threat calls to choose from, Tonya, what are we, what are we feeling like today?

Tonya: Uh, how about something sophisticated?

D. J. Dan: Nah, nah, no I don't like that.

Tonya: Scary?

D. J. Dan: Yeah.

Tonya: Stupid?

D. J. Dan: Bingo, Tonya, the one thing I want tonight is for Johnny to reenact a stupid threat call for me.

Announcer (Johnny): (Laughs)

D. J. Dan: It'll sooth my nerves. O.K., lets try this one, Johnny…

Announcer (Johnny): Uh humm…

D. J. Dan: …middle of page eight, shall we uh, go to the middle of page eight? Alright, middle of page eight. Ladies and gentlemen, now our announcer, Johnny will perform a real live threat call to D. J. Dan in his best announcer voice, lets hear it.

Announcer (Johnny): And then, I'll throw you out the window onto your green Jeep Compass.

D. J. Dan: Oh, for the love of god, nah, let’s not do this one, oh, how about middle of Page twelve, that's a good one.

Announcer (Johnny): You might find yourself the victim of a most uncomfortable fire, and I don't mean a fire in your fireplace, no, imagine if you will that your whole studio is the fire!

D. J. Dan: Shutdown! Good god, who wrote… who sent in that threat call, my god it sounds like Leo Tolstoy, how pedantic. Let’s go to the top of page fourteen, let’s renact that one O.K.?
Announcer (Johnny): 50 pounds of silly putty, and make you read the news backwards while you're naked in a…

D. J. Dan: No, no no no, ok stop it stop it stop it, I don't like that one, you know what? Oh lets do this one in its entirety, page twenty-two.

Announcer (Johnny): You ask, D. J. Dan answers.

D. J. Dan: O.K., caller you ask I answer.

Announcer (Johnny): Dou dask bye banswer!

D. J. Dan: Uh.. O.K.?

Announcer (Johnny): Noh, Nobay.

D. J. Dan: Oh boy.

Announcer (Johnny): Oh hoy!

D. J. Dan: Tonya do you know what this is don't you?

Announcer (Johnny): (Mumbles unintelligibly.)

D. J. Dan: Well, the great jumping Jiminy Jehosophat threat caller and that didn't even rhyme!

Announcer (Johnny): (Mumbles unintelligibly again) (Laughter)

D. J. Dan: O.K., O.K., already I get it, I get it.

Announcer (Johnny): I can keep this up all day, D. J. Dan!

D. J. Dan: Yeah, you're pathetic, you're a monkey, you know that?

Announcer (Johnny): Monkey nushrunkey!

D. J. Dan: Shut down, shut down… there you have it, folks, a reenactment of one of my favorite threatening calls… Folks, you know what, folks, we’re gonna take one last call before we go to a song about the Man, one of our favorite songs about the Man… And who do we have, we have…

Tonya: We have on line five… Speaker.

D. J. Dan: Speaker, or as I like to call him, Sir Commandant Marcos of Chiapas. Speaker, you’re online with D. J. Dan, let’s hear it...

Speaker: Yeah, I was sitting around, and I was…

D. J. Dan: Dude, wait, wait, Speaker, Speaker…before you get into whatever your question is, I’m sure it’s scintillating…

Speaker: Yes, it’s very scintillating…

D. J. Dan: Are you the same guy who runs the fan page for Javier Grillo-Marxuach?

Speaker: I don’t even know who that is.

D. J. Dan: OK, you’d better not be, ‘cause otherwise, I’m shutting you down. Better not be the same guy. Whacha got for me?

Announcer (Johnny): Nobody does.

Speaker: I was just wondering about this Spider Protocol, what do you know about it, could it be some sort of boy band? What could it be?

D. J. Dan: Spider Protocol, the boy band, that’s very exciting.

Tonya: (Singing) Bye, bye, bye…

D. J. Dan: That’s right, that’s right. You know, Speaker, um, you know, Spider Protocol…The word… What do you think? Do you think it’s an acronym? Do you think it’s talking about real spiders…

Speaker: I think it sounds like the Alan Parson’s Project to me…

D. J. Dan: The Alan Par--Oh wow, the finest progrog-band of the 70s and 80s… WOW…. The Alan Parson’s Project…

Speaker: Was this like the progenitor to Geronimo Jackson? I mean is this…

D. J. Dan: Now actually, wait a minute, wait a minute… First of all, Geronimo Jackson’s a progenitor to Alan Parsons… Geronimo Jackson was the 60s, O.K.… Keith Strutter started the band in the 60’s alright. So let’s not get him and Alan P… Like Alan Parsons was running tape for the Beatles when Keith Strutter started Geronimo Jackson. That’s what I’m saying. So O.K., um, Spider Protocol… O.K., you know what… you ever see that movie Wild, Wild West, with the spider-shaped robot, I sometimes just think Alvar Hanso just has one of those big spider robots that he’s going to take over the world with, am I right?

Speaker: Yeah, well, I uh… I…

D. J. Dan: Andy. Speaker, come on, come on, give it to me, give it to me… (Did he just call Speaker Andy? The Alternative One)

Speaker: I think that’s a very good idea.

D. J. Dan: Alright, you know that’s what I’m talking about. Speaker, can I just do one thing here, very gently, just very softly, very loving way…

Speaker: You may shut me down.

D. J. Dan: Shutdown! Folks, I think it’s time for a song about The Man. We’re gonna take a break, we’re taking your calls… 800-942-4704.

The song “Imagine” by John Lennon plays.

Announcer (Johnny): Coming to you live…

Singing: D. J. Dan.

Announcer (Johnny): You’re listening to D.J. Dan. Shutting down the man!

Verizon Broadband advertisement plays. (D. J. Dan announcing - Broadband commercial from Broadband stories.)

D.J. Dan intro music plays.

Announcer (Johnny): (Roar!) From the Headless Horseman’s pumpkin, it’s Shutting Down The Man with D. J. Dan! Call him now 800-942-4704. And now… D. J. Dan!

D. J. Dan: Folks, it’s, it’s true, when D. J. Dan recorded that spot for Verizon, he had a nasty, nasty head cold. That’s right folks, you heard it here first. Trivia, behind the scenes, that’s what we do here…But folks! Before we go to take your calls at our 800 number, I’d like to do, I’d like to do, a little something that Johnny, not me… Johnny likes to call…

Announcer (Johnny): Conspiracies! Scam or hoax?

D. J. Dan: Conspiracies, scam or hoax… Tonya…

Tonya: Hmm, conspiracy.

D. J. Dan: Really? Hmm, how bout that? Why don’t you shoot me one and I’ll tell you how it is! (Laughs)

Tonya: The Kennedy assassination.

D. J. Dan: Conspiracy! It was really the Kennedy suicide, folks. Everybody knows this, he shot himself, watch the knoll, folks… gimme another one…

Tonya: Low carb diets.

D. J. Dan: Scam! Stay warm for the winter…buy my book, The Doughnut Diet, 30 Days to a Fatter You.

Tonya (Singing): Hey, hey we’re the Monkees!

D. J. Dan: Conspiracy! Everybody knows that title sequence had more to it than they were letting on. It wasn’t just comedy, folks. Mickey was Michael, Davey was Peter, Peter was Larry and Ronny was Mickey. You heard it here first. All part of the US government Sub-Saharan name swap fiasco of ’66. Tonya, shoot me with another one…

Tonya: Ich bin ein Berliner…

D. J. Dan: Scam! That was a scam perpetrated to cover another Kennedy conspiracy. Which you know what? Leads me right into…

Announcer (Johnny): The Doughnut of the Day.

D. J. Dan: Ah yes, The Doughnut of the Day. Ask yourself this, Conspiraspies. Are you feeling down? Low energy? Is that yellow, fizzy beverage with the massive sugar kick no longer doing the job of keeping you awake during those long hours of scouring the interweb for evidence of The Man’s crimes against the world? Now, let me tell you, friends, you’re just like me. I was right where you are now. Years back, that is, until I discovered the delectable delight of doughnuts. That’s right, conspiraspies, I’m talking about the world’s favorite old school snack. Nothing but carbs and fat fried up! At 190 degrees Celsius, and glazed, iced, sprinkled, rolled or filled with the confection of your choice. Tonya likes chopped liver in her doughnuts.

Tonya: It’s true.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, to each their own. Even you. Now, if you know anything about me…

Announcer (Johnny): Disgusting.

D. J. Dan: That’s right, not only disgusting, it’s also repugnant, or as Johnny likes to say…

Announcer (Johnny): Repugnant.

D. J. Dan: Now, if you know anything about me, it’s the powdered cake doughnuts that have held the place nearest and dearest to my heart. But, in the interest of the international community… we’re talking UNICEF here, folks… in order to bring you all together, we give you another installment of…

Announcer (Johnny): Doughnut of the Day.

D. J. Dan: Now, let’s see, today’s doughnut… Guys, can I have a little cheer for the doughnuts?

(Cheering, clapping, train whistle)

D. J. Dan: That guy over there, that’s actually Luis, the D. J. Dan roadie. He brought us here… He actually makes it possible for us to broadcast from an entirely different location each week. It takes him hours to carry that equipment around. Folks! Today’s doughnut, the Berliner, hails all the way from sunny Germany, and is intimately tied to that very phrase I was just discussing, “Ich bin ein Berliner”. You see, in a speech President Kennedy gave on June 26th, 1963 in West Berlin to illustrate the United States’ solidarity with the newly walled-off Berlin, many believe that Kennedy made a little translation error, and many believe erroneously that he said “I am a jelly donut”. A little more about said doughnut, known in Berlin as the “feinkuchen.” The Berliner, AKA, the Bismarck is a solid, ovular mass, usually filled with jam. And, man, mmm, yum, oh lord, oh! I’m Sally in that movie! Now, despite all the jokes you’ve heard, the whole bit about Kennedy telling the citizens of Berlin, “Ich bin ein Berliner” or “I am a jelly doughnut”? It was not a mistake, folks. That whole thing is a scam. In reality, Kennedy’s speech was part of a conspiracy. I think we all know that in the United States, there’s a tremendously, vastly powerful confectioner’s and baker’s lobby. Folks, how do you think Kennedy got elected, O.K.? That’s what I’m talking about. He had backing, it was from these people. And that, my friends, was the first ever known, uh, known incident of presidential product placement. You heard it here first. I am a Berliner. I am a doughnut. I am a jelly doughnut.

Announcer (Johnny): The Funfcoughkin Foundation!

D. J. Dan: My sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (ominous music) The Hanso Foundation. (Sinister voice)

D. J. Dan: I was hoping you were gonna say the doughnut name, my friend. Alright. You know what? Let’s try that again, folks. My sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): The Fonfcof… (Laughter) One more time…

D. J. Dan: Let’s try that one more time…

Announcer (Johnny): One more time… The Fonf… (Laughter)

D. J. Dan: Folks, folks, I think Johnny hit that uh, that Vat 90 a little too hard before the show, because he’s just lit! I’ve never seen anything like this, it’s been a long time, man. I don’t know what happened here, you’re like Dan Rather on election night.

Tonya: John, you’re cut off.

D. J. Dan: That’s right. Luis, take that bottle away from Johnny, it’s killing me… (Laughter) Folks, I think we need to do a phone call.

Tonya: Line four; we’ve got Congested from NYC.

D. J. Dan: Are you actually congested? You’re live with D. J. Dan…

Congested: Um, yeah, I actually am, I took the day off from work today…

D. J. Dan: I see, I actually thought you were stuck in traffic, but that’s an LA joke… (Laughing) Folks! Congested…

Congested: No, no car… So yeah, yeah, D. J. Dan, yo, what are your thoughts on nanotechnology?

D. J. Dan: My thoughts on nanotechnology? I’ll tell you what I think about nanotechnology. First of all, nanotechnology is a scam! It is a hoax, the idea of thousands of microscopic robots? It’s like something out of a show on UPN… I don’t know about this nanotechnology… I don’t believe that it exists… but you know what, if nanotechnology exists, which I don’t think it does, I don’t think there’s such a thing as nanotechnology. I sure as hell don’t think you’re going to be seeing it on your television screens anytime around September of this year. Folks, I’m shutting down this call… Shutdown! Alright, alright, why don’t we talk about stuff that’s real, why don’t we talk about something better than nanotechnology. What do we have here on the phone?

Tonya: We’ve got Christian, on line nine.

D. J. Dan: Did you say Christian, or question?

Tonya: I said Christian, from St. Louis.

D. J. Dan: From St Loueeee. Christian, you’re on live with D. J. Dan.

Christian: Dan, I’ve have a question for you.

D. J. Dan: Thank god!

Christian: Yeah, tell me about it. What do you think of the rumors that Enzo Valenzetti himself may still be alive and well?

D. J. Dan: Well, you know, it’s interesting that you bring that up. I mean… do you think Valenzetti’s alive?

Christian: It’s possible. I mean, no one saw him die, no one saw him take a bullet.

D. J. Dan: It’s very interesting, you know, because Valenzetti has more death stories surrounding him than… well, I mean, I don’t know who. He’s like the Enrico Caruso of a, of a, of a, enigmatic Italian mathematicians. Let me tell you about Valenzetti, O.K., Valenzetti in the 60s was rumored to have died in a plane crash, alright. In a serious plane… He filed no flight plans, right? And somewhere over the Alpinees, boom, he’s dead, am I right?

Christian: You’re right.

D. J. Dan: However, fewer people know that there’s a theory that he died in the 1970s of leukemia. That’s right, and there’s another theory that in the 1980s, he was caught in the wheels of a combine in his farm on the Swiss Alps. So, I mean, so it’s quite possible that he’s still alive. In fact, the other conspiracy theory on Valenzetti is that he is still alive and he is working for the Italian government. What do you think about that?

Christian: Um, I haven’t heard that one before, that’s interesting…

D. J. Dan: You never heard that… The thing is, the Italian government put a gag order on every one of Enzo Valenzetti’s personal papers, they have actually have not allowed them out—so, I generally believe that Enzo Valenzetti at the ripe old age of 80-god-knows-how-many-years-old-he-is is sitting in some classroom in Italy, writing on a whiteboard, figuring out stuff like the end of the world, which I don’t know what they do with it… hell, if I dunno what I’d do if I knew when the end of the world is, I’d probably just get a lot of doughnuts…that’s what I would do, just me, and a bunch of Berliners. That’s right, me in a wall bunker with doughnuts. That’s me, Al right dude… You know what… thank you for your call… You know what? Now that we’ve talked a little about Valenzetti, everyone knows that Valenzetti is somehow linked with my sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music)The Hanso Foundation. (Electronic voice)

D. J. Dan: Folks, it is just high tech night here at D. J. Dan, that’s what I’m talking about… Let’s talk about, let’s talk about this Sri Lanka video that’s making the rounds… ‘cause I find this very interesting. I mean, I want your calls. I want to hear about this Sri Lanka video. If you’ve got comments about this Sri Lanka Video, call me 800-942-4704. There’s glyphs, there’s fragments, they’re out there, We’re beginning to hear more and more about it. I mean, I’m finding this really fascinating, and the fact that the DHARMA acronym stands for Department of Heuristics and Applied research into Materials Application and the fact that the Valenzetti Equation—and look, frankly, it’s just as likely that Valenzetti was caught in the wheels of his combine on his family farm in the Swiss Alps. I’m not going to say that’s true, but, you know what? That’s the one I like best, because it warms my heart. Folks, Mittelwerk, in this video, Thomas Werner Mittelwerk the chief technologist of my sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) …The Hanso Foundation… (Grunting voice)

D. J. Dan: …says that they have to stick to their story. What is this story? I want to know what the story’s about? And what is that logo in the top of the film? O.K., like you’re watching the beginning of the film. It looks sort of like a Berliner, and then like a sort of munchkin next to it… you know, the little doughnut holes. But that’s me, I’m sure that’s not what it means, folks. Mr. Beardy, who is he? Some people think he’s Alvar Hanso, some people think he’s too soft around the chin to be Alvar Hanso…who is he? Do we know? And the Vik Institute has verified a figure. What kind of figure is that? Folks, I don’t think we’re talking about Elle “The Body” McPhereson here, O.K. There is a figure out there that is known to no one out there but The Hanso Foundation and the Vik Institute. What is this figure? Folks, I want to hear your calls 800-942-4704. And, before we do that, a lot of people sent me emails this week; I want to answer some of them. Let’s go to another edition of…

Announcer (Johnny): D. J. Dan’s Mailbag.

D. J. Dan: That’s right. Danny’s got a brand new bag! De-de-de-de-de-de-de! Oww! Alright folks, D. J. Dan Mailbag, whataya got?

Tonya: From Sean…

D. J. Dan: (In a bad Scotish accent) From Sean. Sean. We have an email from Sean…

Tonya: “For what reasons were the US government of the late 60's experimenting with the effects of barbershop music on livestock...”

D. J. Dan: Actually, this probably the most serious thing I'll say, ah, during this podcast… Everybody knows that, ah, harmonies have a, ah, harmonic effect on the frequencies of the brain and they can be used exclusively for mind control. That's what MK-Ultra was about, you heard LSD, that's wrong. It's really about barbershop quartets, folks, frilly shirts and vests, that's what the CIA was about in the 60's, you heard it here first. What else you got?

Tonya: Uh, from Sean again.

D. J. Dan: (In a bad Scotish accent) Sean.

Tonya: "Are the following people really dead?"

D. J. Dan: Uh huh, ready.

Tonya: "Bruce Lee"

D. J. Dan: Uhhhh, dead

Tonya: "Elvis Presley"

D. J. Dan: Still alive. I, I had breakfast with him about four days ago, he looks great, he's on the Zone.

Tonya: Wow

D. J. Dan: Yeah

Tonya: Alright, "JFK"?

D. J. Dan: Uhhhh, like I said, "The Kennedy Suicide". How many times do I gotta repeat this, folks!? Who else do we got?

Tonya: "Gary Troup"?

D. J. Dan: Uhhhh, sadly Gary Troup dead in that true life narrative Bad Twin. I think we all understand he died, he sent the book over, we're reading the book. Folks, it says in the book he's dead and, as you know as I do, I believe everything that is printed. What else do we got?

Tonya: "Paul McCartney"

D. J. Dan: Paul McCartney, uh, Paul is dead.

Tonya: Oh, alright

D. J. Dan: Yeah, sorry to hear that, it was horrible, I saw it, it was terrible, I was there.

Tonya: How about "Hugh McIntyre"?

D. J. Dan: Hugh Mc… ah man, Hugh. Geez, can we have a moment of silence for Hugh? Lets have a moment of silence for Hugh. You know what?! Lets, can we please have a little dead air for Hugh Mcintyre.

(2 seconds of dead-air)

D. J. Dan: Horrible what happened to that man, but you know what?! He turned it around, became a good man at the end. We feel really bad for Hugh McIntyre. You know what?! I'm shutting down this mailbag! Shutting down the mailbag! Shutdown!

Tonya: Alright.

D. J. Dan: Alright folks, we shutdown the mailbag. I had enough of this "dead, living, dead, living". It's depressing. O.K., ah, so before we take the next call, I'd like to talk about something that is very dear to my heart, a little something I like to call...

Announcer (Johnny): You Can't Buy It.

D. J. Dan: That's right folks, You Can't Buy It. These are items that are sitting in the government archives, next to the Ark of the Covenant, folks. They are sitting in the government archives with the lost ark. The government doesn't want you to have these things, O.K. folks? What are they! The Inexhaustible Light bulb. Folks, everybody knows there is a light bulb that was made in the 1900's it is still burning. So what happened? Why did Thomas Alva Edison take so long to perfect the light bulb? I'll tell you what, he wasn't perfecting the light bulb, he was perfecting a light bulb that would burn out soon enough that you would have to buy more light bulbs!

Announcer (Johnny): Can't Buy It!

D. J. Dan: Can't Buy It!

Announcer (Johnny): Can't Buy It!

D. J. Dan: That's right, folks. "The Perpetual Motion Car" That's right, there is such a thing and I think you've all heard the story and if you haven't, then let me tell you the story O.K.? Little old lady, 65-years-old, recently retired, husband's dead, kids are out of the house. She says, "I'm gonna buy myself a sports car." That's what she says, so she goes to her nearest dealership and she picks out the sportiest little car she can find in the dealership, takes it home. Six months she drives this car, doesn't change the oil once, doesn't fill the tank up once. Folks, its not an electric car, she doesn't plug this car in, she just drives it for six months without ever going to the gas station, alright? Six months go by, she thinks, "Hey! You know what, I haven't changed the oil or put new gas in the car, maybe there's something wrong with the car? I'm gonna take it to the dealership." She goes there and everyone receives her as a hero. They go "Lady! This is fantastic! Thanks for bringing the car back! You can have any car in the lot!" She drives out in a brand-spanking new Cadillac. That night, she tells her son what she's done. Folks, the son says "Oh my god, Mother! What have you done! Six months no gas!" They go back to the dealership, the dealership is gone! The guy who sold her the car is dead! The car dealership is gone, burned to the ground! Folks, that's the Man! That's how they take it away from you! You can't buy it!

Announcer (Johnny): Cannot buy it.

D. J. Dan: You cannot buy it.

Announcer (Johnny): Never

D. J. Dan: No, that's right folks. "The Magnetic-Floating Bed" Ah, never mind about that. uh, "Permanent Self-Tanner" folks, that's in the government archives with the ark of the covenant, based on years of experimentation by George Hamilton. "Un-Soggable Shredded Wheat." Folks, that's right, they got it, it stays crispy, they don't want you to have it.

Announcer (Johnny): No Can Buy-o.

(Tonya laughs)

D. J. Dan; that's right, The "Never-Melt Ice cubes", (Laughs) you can't buy that either, folks.

Announcer (Johnny): Nope

D. J. Dan: And Finally, "The World Dictator Facial Hair Fun Kit". Nope! To dangerous, folks.

Announcer (Johnny): Can Not Buy It!

D. J. Dan: You can't buy this stuff, folks! I feel like taking a call. I feel like taking a call! Tonya, give me a call!

Tonya: Line seven, David from Dallas, Texas.

D. J. Dan. David from Dallas, Texas. David, are you there?

David: Yes, this is David.

D. J. Dan: Excellent. David, uh, your from, from Dallas?

David: Yes.

D. J. Dan: I'm clairvoyant, folks! Can I get a witness!

(Tonya laughs)

Announcer (Johnny): Testify.

D. J. Dan: That's Right. David, what do you got for me?

David: Uh, hey D. J. Dan I was… I'm enjoying the show tonight and I was wondering if you listen to any other podcasts or shows about the Hanso Foundation?

D. J. Dan: Uh, actually, you know what, I have to stay pure, my friend. That is one of the great things about being D. J. Dan, you know? This stuff just comes to me from the ether! I could listen to a lot of other people and other theories, but the fact is, I get it all, I hunt it down, I bring it right back to you. I don't get it from other people. You're getting straight from the cranium of D. J. Dan and not from the clutches of my sworn nemesis...

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation.

D. J. Dan: Now tell me, David, are there podcasts that you like? Is there anybody that you want to... you know what, I'm going to let you plug… I don't let people plug on this show, but you, you can plug on my show. Who do you want to plug?

David: Hey, I just want to say that, uh, you know there's a great website out there called SaveJoop.com. I would love to hear Johnny say "Save Joop" one time....

D. J. Dan: You know what, we live, we… Joop should be saved. I believe in SaveJoop.com, I have seen that website cause I'm on ta internets, my friend…

Tonya: (Laughs)

D. J. Dan: Johnny, can you give it to us!.

Announcer (Johnny): Save Joop at www.SaveJoop.com!

D. J. Dan: Folks...

David: Alright, Johnny, thanks a lot. I'd also love to say that there is another podcast that's hunting down....

D. J. Dan: No, no, no, no, you just get the one plug, I'm gonna shut- shutdown!

David: Alright.

Announcer (Johnny): One plug limit

(Tonya laughs)

D. J. Dan: That's right, you can only show one thing here at D. J. Dan, O.K. Now, I love Save Joop as much as the next guy. He's my favorite 105-year-old Orangutan and I want him saved. I want him saved as I want to be redeemed myself, can I get a witness?

Unrecognizable voice: Witness!

Tonya: Witness!

D. J. Dan: That's right, folks, but I got to tell you, you only get one plug here at D. J. Dan, O.K. folks? That's all I'm gonna say about that. We're gonna take another call before we go to another song. What do we got?

Tonya: We got line four.

D. J. Dan: Uh, yes, I know we have a line four, but who's on it?


Tonya: Wish Resigned from Springfield.

D. J. Dan: (over Tonya) Wish Resigned, wow.

Wish Resigned: Hey!

D. J. Dan: Is this Wish Resigned from Springfield?

Wish Resigned: Yes it is.

D. J. Dan: Uh, Wish, why is your name Wish Resigned? What's up with that?

Wish Resigned: Well, that actually a screen name on The Fuselage.

D. J. Dan: Oh, you're a fan of that insidious television show Lost! The one that shows from my sworn enemy...

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foun….. (Sinister voice cut short by caller)

Wish Resigned: (Talking While Johnny is talking) I didn't say I was a fan, I said...(inaudible)

D. J. Dan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't cut Johnny off.

(Tonya and Wish Resigned laugh.)

D. J. Dan: You just... (High-pitch) Oh my god...

Announcer (Johnny): Springfield is testing my patience!

Wish Resigned: Dude I'm sorry...

D. J. Dan: Dude, we're going to try that one more time, and if you, if you...

Announcer (Johnny): My air time!

D. J. Dan: I'm gonna, I'm gonna have to shut you down. O.K., lets try that again. Ready, O.K. Uh, can you take a deep cleansing breath with us please.

(Sound of two or three people taking a deep breath and exhaling.)

D. J. Dan: Here it goes my sworn nemesis...

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation (Sinister voice.)

D. J. Dan: You know, Johnny, you look peaked. It's like, it's like he took it, it took it out you, didn't he?

(Tonya Laughs)

Announcer (Johnny): Which Springfield?

D. J. Dan: Oh my god, I'm so sorry, look what you've done to Johnny. You know, you better ask your question quickly cause I don't know how long this is going to last.

Announcer (Johnny): I want his address.

Wish Resigned: Alright, alright. My question for you, D. J. Dan, is this, On the Fuselage, we're talking about the Hanso Exposed website. The glyphs, the movies and stuff...

D. J. Dan: Yeah, we know all about this, the movies, the glyphs...

Wish Resigned: ...in the number, there's a missing glyph, glyph number 29…

D. J. Dan: Oh?

Wish Resigned: ...and I know that your connected with community, maybe you could give us a hint of where to find it?

D. J. Dan: You know what, I'm already giving you hints to where your going to find at least one glyph. You're gonna get more hints tonight, I'm gonna have to shut you down. Shutdown!

Wish Resigned: Nooooo....

D. J. Dan: Folks, D. J. Dan is giving you the straight poop, I'm giving you information, you're gonna be getting it, at least, at least one glyph. You're gonna know where to find it after this broadcast is done. I've already told you its in gonna be in a major American metropolis. I've already told you it gonna be in a very public place, and I've already told you it's not gonna be on ta internets, O.K., but I feel like taking another call before we go to another song. Who we have, Tonya?

Tonya: On line two, we’ve got Brian from the OC.

D. J. Dan: Wow, that's how we do it in the OC, bitch. Brian! You there!

Brian: Yes I am.

D. J. Dan: Alright, awesome. Are you sick and tired of hearing that line?

Brian: Uh, yes I am.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, me too. O.K., well, let's hear that question, what you got for me?

Brian: Hey, um, I was actually wanting to know, um, on one of your earlier podcasts you had, uh, received a threatening call from the Hanso Foundation.

D. J. Dan: Oh yeah, that little troll, yeah, what about that?

Brian: Well, uh, I wanted to know...

D. J. Dan: Now wait a second… Actually, and I want to say that actually, but there is no, there is no...the one thing people track down... is prove that that guy is from the Hanso Foundation. Now, here's the thing, I have seen those guys in their little lime-colored overcoats, hanging out around my studio on occasion, but I don't know that guy was even from the Hanso foundation, but it was frightening that he knew the color of my Jeep, that's all I'm saying.

Brian: Yeah...

Announcer (Johnny): He has no neck

(D. J. Dan and Tonya laugh.)

Brian: Well, I was just wandering about that situation. What do you think?

D. J. Dan: Well, like I said, what happened was that guy threatened me on the line, I shut him down, O.K., however, um, soon thereafter I found myself being stalked by members of the Hanso Foundation and you can tell ‘cause they wear those lime-green overcoats are all over the damn place, O.K.? Anyway, we went underground and, as I explained in a big monologue that was actually written down for me earlier this week, uh, we went out, we were out there, getting into adventures, we were out there in the underground. That's why you didn't see podcasts for a while, man; I was running away from the foundation. Look, they may be tracking down the studio right now and I'm sitting here telling you stuff I said thirty minutes… No! Shutdown! Folks, D. J. Dan does not like to repeat himself. You know what, we're gonna go to another song and we're gonna be right back taking your calls, 1-800-942-4704, shuttin’ down the man.

The song "Redemption Song" by Bob Marley and The Wailers plays.

Singing: D. J. DAN…

Monster.com advertisement plays.

Singing: D. J. DAN…

Announcer (Johnny): From the inner ring in Farmer Gray's crop circle, it's Shutting Down The Man. Once again; everybody loves him, D. J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: Folks, I am indeed D. J. Dan. And here's my question: when you post your resume on Monster.com, is that a nanotechnology monster?! Ooooooh! I'm so scared. It's frightening. Oh god! It's a monster made out of nanites. Folks, folks, you know what, um, I'm sorry, you know, I'm D. J. Dan Shutting Down The Man and I got to tell you, when I think about Shutting Down The Man, I think of a little of, uh, a little bit, a little thing that I have that I like to call....

Announcer (Johnny): Random acts of Shutdown!

D. J. Dan: That's right, folks, random acts of Shutdown, possibly my favorite segment in the world. Heck, I would even shut myself down if it wouldn't cause rips in the space-time continuum. Schro-...Schrodinger's cat, folks. Schrodinger's cat. Time Cop, folks. Rent it, watch it, learn the splits, alright? Guys, if your fans of mine, which I know you are, then you know the drill. Random acts of Shutdown, caller who last the longest wins, and you all know the rules. As crater faces the distant thunder road, the only rules, is that there are no rules. Caller one!

Tonya: Wait! Wait… Dan…

D. J. Dan: What?

Tonya: D. J. Dan, hang on a sec.

D. J. Dan: What, what is it dear Tonya?

Tonya: D. J. Dan, we've got a...

D. J. Dan: Shutdown! I told you Tonya, no rules.

Tonya: I see that.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, O.K., what do you got?

Tonya: D. J. Dan I've got a caller says this is urgent, and he’s got a really, really weird voice.
D. J. Dan: Oh, maybe it's that Javier Grillo-Marxuach guy, ever hear that guy talk, it's like walking into a helium factory. Gravy grilled, uh, go ahead.

Malik (The Fixer): Hello, g'day D. J. Dan. Sorry to interrupt; I've got a very important message for Rachel.

D. J. Dan: You know you sound very familiar. uh, your talking about Rachel like, uh…

Malik (The Fixer): Rachel Blake, Persephone, Rachel. I think you know who she is.

D. J. Dan: Yeah I do know. You know, you sound just like the guy in her video blog...

Malik (The Fixer): Rachel...

Tonya: Um, Malik?

Malik (The Fixer): Rachel...

Tonya: Malik?

D. J. Dan: Malik? From the Vi…

Malik (The Fixer): Rachel, are you, I pray you're listening. That piece of paper I handed you had contact information for me, you need to get in touch.

D. J. Dan: I think he's just going to talk over us.

Tonya: Yeah?

D. J. Dan: I think he's talking to Rachel.

Tonya: Malik, is this…?

Malik (The Fixer): Very… listen very carefully to what I have to say, I've used a cipher I indicated beneath the contact information.

D. J. Dan: There's a cipher?

Malik (The Fixer): I think it's appropriate considering the controversy raging around you.

D. J. Dan: Tonya, I, this is spectacular, this is the guy from the…

Malik (The Fixer): Here's, here's the message.

Tonya: Can you just say, are you Malik?

Malik (The Fixer): 240…

D. J. Dan: 240?

Malik (The Fixer): 249…

D. J. Dan 249?

Malik (The Fixer): 68…

Tonya: Alright, I'm writing this down, D. J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: Write this down.

Malik (The Fixer): 61, 37, 118…

D. J. Dan: This is spectacular, I've never s…

Malik (The Fixer): 75…

D. J. Dan: It must be like some sort of cipher or something.

Malik (The Fixer): 233, 231…

D. J. Dan: Are you getting that Tonya?

Malik (The Fixer): 150…

Tonya: Yeah, yeah but…

Malik (The Fixer): 36…

D. J. Dan: Maybe it's like Bible code or something.

Malik (The Fixer): 184, 184…

Tonya: It's like Morse, but with numbers.

Malik (The Fixer): Excuse me…

D. J. Dan: Yeah.

Malik (The Fixer): Excuse me! After 36, it was 184.

D. J. Dan: Wow.

Malik (The Fixer): 157…

Tonya: I'm following you.

Malik (The Fixer): 51, 144…

D. J. Dan: 144.

Malik (The Fixer): 180…

D. J. Dan: 180.

Malik (The Fixer): 253…

D. J. Dan: This is incredible.

Malik (The Fixer): 50…

D. J. Dan: Oh my god.

Malik (The Fixer): 173, 30, 222…

Tonya: Is he gonna tell us what that means?

Malik (The Fixer): 192, 13, 82 and 1.

D. J. Dan: Alright, that, that, is that it? Is that the message?

Malik (The Fixer): That's all.

D. J. Dan: Wha, wha, what does it mean? What, I mean, what kind of a code is it? What is this?

Malik (The Fixer): I'm sorry Rachel, this is Malik. I can't explain, there's nothing I can say, anymore than that…

D. J. Dan: Shutdown!

Tonya: D. J. Dan! Why did you do that?

D. J. Dan: Oh, uh, I'm sorry Tonya. It's random acts of shutdown right? That's the shtick, isnt it? I gotta shut the guy down, when he's giving the really important message.

Tonya: How are we gonna find out the message?

D. J. Dan: Ok, folks. Let's just take a call right now, cause that was really spooky folks. I hope you got all those numbers down cause that sounded important to me.

Tonya: Oh, man.

D. J. Dan: I'm sorry, Tonya. Okay, so no doughnuts for me is that what we're talking about?

Tonya: Pssss.

D. J. Dan: Folks let's uh, let's, let's, let's take another call, 'cause that was just spooky, he
sounded like Darth Vader, there's some guy breathing heavy. I don’t know… He sounded like that guy in the video blog, he really did.

Tonya: I, I really think it was that guy Malik.

D. J. Dan: I think it was. I.T., I'm being stalked by I.T., that guy, I'm telling you. You know what, let's take, I want to hear a call. 1-800-942-4704, and before we take this call, Johnny's going to say something here, he’s going to give you the name of the company that’s broadcasting me illegally tonight. And what is that company called?

Announcer (Johnny): Harvest, (laugh) Har… uh, (Laughing)

D. J. Dan: Alright, Tonya has fallen off her chair folks, this is horrific. (Laughs)

Announcer (Johnny): Radio Harvest, your internet radio.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, off-book he doesn't do well folks. On the book, he's fantastic; he literally sits on the thing. It's incredible.

Tonya: I promise we took the juice away a while ago.

D. J. Dan: I know, I know. When he's on book he’s five inches taller, it's amazing. O.K. (Laugh) O.K. we're going to take some of your calls.


Announcer (Johnny): Laugh it up, fuzz ball.

D. J. Dan: Hey, hey, hey, no, this on goes there, that one goes there. Folks! Alright folks. We're gonna, we're gonna take another call. Who do we got Tonya?

Tonya: Line seven; we've got Aaron from Baton Rouge.

D. J. Dan: Aaron from Baton Rouge, are you on?

Aaron: Yes.

D. J. Dan: Alright, so uh, you, you, you ask, I answer. Let's hear it.

Aaron: Well, I was wondering, what do we know about this island? I mean, Rachel got there, she videotaped something, she obviously got back safe. Did she come back on the same quarantined ship that got there? Why is it quarantined? What are we, what are we…

D. J. Dan: What, O.K., What are we, what are we talk… O.K., wait a minute, wait a minute, the ship is quarantined? I mean look, look, my feeling is, in the quarantine areas, they probably have the people from the Vik Institute right? I mean if you had a bunch of savants running an equation you probably want to take them where ever you go. They're very entertaining savants, you know like, "Yeah, Valenzetti Equation, Valenzetti equation, yeah, yeah, Yeah Valenzetti equation, yeah." (D.J. Dan does his Rainman imitation.)

Aaron: (unintelligible) …make it out in time?

D. J. Dan: Uh, make it out, what do you mean? Did Rachel make it? I think, you know Rachel is out there. If she hadn't made it out on time she wouldn't have been at Comic-Con, she wouldn't be putting glyphs out there O.K.. Rachel is O.K., Rachel is good, Rachel is alive. But she's underground and she has no phone number folks. I don't have it you don’t have it. What, I mean, what do think, what do you think happened, happened on the island? Whattaya, whattaya, what's your take on that?

Aaron: Well, I mean, we know it's something with this Valenzetti and that equation. Are they just, did they move their institute? Were they getting too much heat, maybe in Iceland? Um…
D. J. Dan: Ha ha ha. Were they getting too much heat in Iceland? I don't think they were getting
any heat in Iceland at all folks. But, but, seriously, the thing about my sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music)The Hanso Foundation. (Sinister voice.)

D.J. Dan: …is that their moves and motives are cunning and devious and dark. We have no idea what they're doing down there, I think Rachel is really going to bring that to light for us once the last of those glyphs come in folks. That's what I'm talking about, and by the way, uh, Aaron, do you have anything else you wanted to ask me is there anything else you wanted to say?

Aaron: Well, what can we do? I'm a member of a group called DOTS and we want to help out you and we want to help out…

D. J. Dan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're a member of a group called, uh...

(Sound of quacking duck in background)

D. J. Dan: Called Ducks or Dots?

Aaron: DOTS! D.O.T.S.

Tonya (talking over Aaron): Aflack?

D. J. Dan: And what's that stand for?

Aaron: We are Defenders Of a site called the Tail Section.

D. J. Dan: Ah, excellent, the Tail Section, ah, that's right. So you're chasing tail, that's what you're trying to tell me right?

Aaron: I can only hope, I can only hope.

D. J. Dan: Shutdown! I love you man, I just did that cause I was feeling it on the inside but you know I love you, okay? And you know what, if you're out there and your chasing tail but, preferably your chasing glyphs, is what I would rather see you do.

Announcer (Johnny): Chasing the glyph.

D. J. Dan: That's right, if your chasing the glyph let me give you another hint about where that glyph's gonna go, O.K. The city in question: Hispanics might call it, "La Manzana Grande", that's right, "La Manzana Grande". Folks, if you know where "La Manzana Grande" is, if you know what tourist spot in that major American metropolis you might just catch this glyph on Monday. Let's take another call actually, I wanna hear the voices of the people out there who are helping us fight the good fight.

Tonya: Alright, line one. Jeff from Ohio.

D. J. Dan: Jeff from Ohio, Jeff, what you got... Jeff are you there?

Jeff: Yes.

D. J. Dan: Okay, let’s hear it, what you got for me Jeff, from Ohio?

Jeff: O.K., first off I'd…

D. J. Dan (singing over Jeff): "You know why, oh why oh why oh. Why did we ever leave Ohio?"

Jeff: Because of the snow.

D. J. Dan: (laughing) Alright, let's hear it.

Jeff: O.K., first off I just gotta say I've been lovin' the show so far.

D. J. Dan: Oh, thank you, very much, we appreciate it, and you know who appreciates it more than anybody?

Jeff: Hmm?

D. J. Dan: Well, Luis the roadie is actually very excited about it.

Luis (The Roadie): Loving it!

D. J. Dan: But, Johnny, Johnny, can you express your appreciation?

Announcer (Johnny): Lovin' the callers.


Jeff: And I'm actually eating a doughnut right now.

D. J. Dan: Oh god, what kind of doughnut are you eating?

Jeff: It's a jelly doughnut.

D. J. Dan: It's a jell… Is it a Berliner?

Jeff: Oh, You know it, eh.

D. J. Dan: Alright you know what…?

Jeff: O.K., now I gotta say, I am not trying to um, while I appreciate what Rachel Blake is doing because your evil nemesis must be shut down.

D. J. Dan: You don’t mean my arch nemesis...

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation (In Darth Vader style.)

D. J. Dan: Alright let's hear it.

Jeff: Yes. Um, I'm a little bit suspect of her in one respect.

D. J. Dan: Uh huh?

Jeff: And before you shut me down and I want you to shut me down, let me, let me get through this real quick.

D. J. Dan: Oh, I'm gonna shut you down, you'd better get to it.

Jeff: O.K.

D. J. Dan: I'm feeling it.

Jeff: Oh, oh I understand.

D. J. Dan: Let's hear it.

Jeff: Persephone, when she first starts, what did we get but a series of really obscure clues leading…

D. J. Dan: Yeah yeah, hacks, hacks. She's on the website, she's getting stuff up there yeah, yeah. So no, no, no, look, I know her, can I just pre-empt you on this O.K.? ‘Cause I think I know exactly what... you're going to say: "How could somebody who's able to put up all these obscure clues on the internet, somebody who's able to just go out there and hack the site and do all that flash and do all of that stuff. All of the sudden, she seems to be somebody just who's on the web doing these video blogs.That's what your going to tell me right?

Jeff: Well, not only that but also the fact but O.K....

D. J. Dan: Shutdown!

Jeff: Thank you.

(Laughter in the studio)

D. J. Dan: Folks, you now hackers, I know hackers. Tonya, you know hackers?

Tonya: Oh yeah.

D. J. Dan: Johnny, do you know about hackers?

Announcer (Johnny): Love to spoon with the hackers!

D. J. Dan: That's right my friend (Laughter) alright. Hey, Luis, you know the hackers?

Louis: Uh, yes.

D. J. Dan: Folks, folks, we all know about hackers. These are people who sit in basements, alright, hackin' stuff. They're in the computer; they're wizards at that kind of stuff, alright. Now all the sudden this woman Persephone, A.K.A. Rachel Blake, in my opinion, gets out the world and all of a sudden we're criticizing, for what? For not being good on television, folks she's Rachel Blake she's not Art Carney, she ain't Richard Linkletter O.K. I don't know what you people want alright? So she's not, so, so, so, I mean literally I mean it's like all the sudden we're being graded on public speaking? The woman can hack flash for the love of god! And you want her to be there and be the captain of the debate team?

Tonya and Johnny: (Laughter)

D. J. Dan: She's honest, she's sweet, she is out there giving us a piece of her heart. I don't think we need to undermine her by saying that somehow her hacking skills make her video blogging incompatible. Folks I'm tired of this, I'm gonna shut myself down. Shut me down! God I love it when I shut me down, it's fantastic. Alright folks, uh….

Tonya: I do too.

D. J. Dan: We're gonna take one, uh, one more call. And then, uh and then I got something to tell you about your pets. That's what I got, let's hear the next call.

Tonya: On line six, your absolute favorite fan, Fenris from England.

D. J. Dan: (In a bad English accent) Fenris from England! Fenris, you're live, are you on the line?
Fenris: Yeah, I'm here.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, I, I, I, so, so you think I'm Peter Thompson? Are you nuts?

Fenris: I don't know about that, I don't know where you got that impression.

D. J. Dan: (Laughing) Oh right, well, I don't know I think I might have seen something on ta
internet my friend. Fenris, you got a question for me? I want to hear it, what's up?

Fenris: I do, uh, you've been after the Hanso Foundation for quite a while now, right?

D. J. Dan: Yes I have, I have indeed. I'm a life long member of the, of the Anti-Hanso Foundation club, that's me. It's like the Hair Club for Men, only completely different.

Fenris: (Laugh)Yeah. I was wondering what, what got you first on to the Hanso Foundation, were they poisoning doughnuts or something?

D. J. Dan: Uh, what has the Hanso Foundation done to me personally?

Fenris: Yes.

D. J. Dan: Well let me tell you something about it. The Hanso Foundation hasn't done anything to me personally aside from the lime-green coated guys who came out to get me. Folks… what… yeah…

Fenris: (laughs)

D. J. Dan: Folks, let me, let me, let me tell you about the Hanso Foundation guys O.K.. Here's why I hate… here’s why I wanna, wanna go after them. O.K., O.K., the truth is, these guys don't have to offend you personally, O.K., so maybe you know it's not about a hatred of Scandinavian people or anything like that folks, what it's about, O.K., is that these guys are putting commercials out there saying, "We're reaching about for a better tomorrow." O.K., they're reaching out, is it a better tomorrow for us? Is it for you? Is it for me? Is it for Tonya? Is it for Luis? I don't know, O.K.? All I'm saying is when I start seeing all this… organ theft! O.K.? Stolen organs and I'm not talking, I'm not talking Hammonds here, O.K.. (Sound of beating heart) I'm not talking about Steve Windwood and the Spencer Davis group, O.K.? I'm talking about human organs, O.K. I'm talking about savants, trapped in a building, running some cockamamie end-of-the-world equation. I'm talking about, I'm talking about monkeys that are being kept against their... I'm talking about unnatural, ungodly life extension. Do these people have to offend me personally for me to wanna to go after them? I don’t think so. Um, uh...

Fenris: That's what's up.

D. J. Dan: Fenris, Fenris, um, there’s, there's a question I'd like to ask you. Is that O.K.? Fenris? Are you there?

Fenris: (mumbles) Yes.

D. J. Dan: Would you mind if I shut you down? Shutdown! Folks, come on, come on. We all know what the Hanso foundation is all about. We don't have to, we don’t have to get into why we hate them, we have to get into how. How do we take them down? Folks O.K. it's time now for uh, a little something I like to call…

Announcer (Johnny): (frog ribbiting) How to bug-proof your pet.

D. J. Dan: That's right folks. Let's hear that again, because I love that.

Announcer (Johnny): (frog ribbiting) How to bug-proof (Laughter) your pet.

D. J. Dan: It's a little known fact that Johnny has a pet frog, uh, that actually uh that…

Announcer (Johnny): Lars.


D. J. Dan (More laughter): Lars actually is kept in a cage on a chain around Johnny's neck. It's surreal, if you've never seen it. Folks, you know. Now more than ever your pets are subject to scrutiny by the forces of evil, I'm talking about government; I'm talking about global conspiracies O.K. folks. So, you need to bug-proof your pet. You need to make sure that your pet is not, is not acting as a listening device. How do you do it? Well, number one… Always sweep your pet with a metal detector when he/she/it comes back from a long day of running, playing, catching. That's what I'm talking about. Chasing birds, steeple chasing, whatever your pet does, sweep the pet with a metal detector, O.K.? If you have fish, might be a little more difficult but try, very important. Never, ever fall asleep to your cats purr. One word… Hyp-nosis, is that two words? I don't know, Luis? O.K., folks, try fashioning a custom tinfoil suit for your pooch or kitty cat. If you have a hamster, that might be a little bit difficult ‘cause it's hard to get the tin foil around those little spindly legs. But, I promise you, I promise you, you will thank me for that in the morning, O.K. Try the cell phone trick. If your cell phone reception improves when you move near your pet, that's right, your pet is bugged. If your cat or dog opens its mouth to bark of meow and a human voice comes out, going "Ah, should I answer that?" Chances are… bugged. Or as Johnny likes to say…

Announcer (Johnny): (Pause) Not paying attention.


D. J. Dan: Johnny, put down the Scotch! Holy Buckets, man, you're killing me.

Announcer (Johnny): I'm liquored up.

D. J. Dan: Now you ask… what if it's too late? What if my pet is already wired up for sound? Alright, here's three things you need to do. Any crimes you want to commit, yeah, don't talk about them to anybody, O.K. Don't discuss you criminal activity with your bugged pet. That's just common sense 101, O.K.? I never say anything around my pet that I don't want anybody else to hear that's what I'm saying. Whack yourself in the head with a tuning fork, O.K. Whack yours… It's like pretty much the answer to anything around here at D. J. Dan, O.K. Whack yourself on the head with a tuning fork and then hold the tuning fork near your pet. O.K.? That's what I'm saying, O.K. it confuses the hell out of the listeners. And finally, try switching your pet to a high fiber diet if you catch my drift. Often times they make your pet swallow the bug. And if that doesn't work, I got two words for you, intestinal lavage. Folks, I am taking your calls here 800-942-4704. I'm D.J. Dan, I gotta song I'm gonna play for you. I gotta do some business, we're gonna come back and take some more calls, let's hear that song!

The song "Rainy Day Woman # 12 & 35" by Bob Dylan plays.

Singing: D. J. DAN

Jeep Compass advertisement plays.

Singing: D. J. DAN

Announcer (Johnny): From the Easter egg of disc seven of your DVD box set, it's D. J. Dan,
Shutting Down the Man!

D. J. Dan: Oh, I'm Shutting it Down. Shutting it Down all over the place, my friends. I've never shut anything down like I'm Shutting this Down, before. But folks, before I do that I want to remind you, of how it is that you're getting this illegal, underground radio broadcast. Johnny, can you give it to me?

Announcer (Johnny): Radio Harvest. You're internet radio and home of the D. J. Dan Show.

D. J. Dan: Folks, I was going to talk to you about the mythic beastie of the day or as Johnny likes to call it...

Announcer (Johnny): Mythic Beastie, of the day.

D. J. Dan: But folks, do you really want to hear me talk about the mapinguari? I don't think so! No, we're ripping up the script, my friends. We got calls, we got calls stacking up, backing up! They're all over the place so folks; you know what I'm going to do here? I'm going to take a couple more calls, O.K.? You ask, I answer. Give me another call. Who do we have Tonya?

Tonya: Line seven; we've got Bree from Holland.

D. J. Dan: Bree from Holland, Bree, are you live on the line?

Bree: I'm here, I'm waiting.

D. J. Dan: God bless you, Bree. Let's hear it, what is your questi... How is the weather in Holland, right now?

Bree: The weather in Holland is actually beautiful. It's all the better for getting through to you D. J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: Ohhhhhhhh, my heart is all-a-flutter, Bree. You made me such a happy man. I'm weeping, Johnny, am I crying?

Announcer (Johnny): You are babbling like a little girl.

D. J. Dan: Tears of joy, Bree, what do you have for me tonight?

Bree: D. J. Dan, I do have some information, I'm a real conspiraspy.

D. J. Dan: Do you now, what information is that, let's hear it.

Bree: D. J. Dan, I found a book.

D. J. Dan: Yes?

Bree: A small black book.

D. J. Dan: Yes.

Bree: And it was written by a T. W. Mittelwerk.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, you know what? Shutdown! Folks, Thomas Werner Mittelwerk doesn't have time to write books, folks. He does not. He is Mister Evil. Captain of Evil, Sultan of Evil, Maven of Evil, Aficionado of Evil. Folks, Thomas Werner Mittelwerk is out there committing evil! He doesn't gotta write anything down, he dictates. You know what I'm talking about, I think you do. Let's take another call.

Tonya: Line fourteen, Chris.

D. J. Dan: Chris, you're on line fourteen. Chris where you at?

Chris: Hey, I'm in upstate New York.

D. J. Dan: You're in upstate New York, excellent.

Tonya: Cooperstown.

D. J. Dan: Cooperstown.

Chris: Yeah, Cooperstown.

D. J. Dan: That is the, uh, home of the, uh, the hall of fame isn't it?

Chris: Damn straight.

D. J. Dan: Very exciting. You know I'm a direct descendant of Abner Doubleday, inventor of baseball?

Chris: You're not!

D. J. Dan: I am absolutely not! I am lying to you through my teeth. Folks, what do you got for me?

Chris: Well listen, I was wondering, two things.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, Yeah.

Chris: First, have you heard about SHADE and and how do you feel about them?

D. J. Dan: Have I heard about whom?

Chris: SHADE.

D. J. Dan: SHADE?

Chris: Yes, Shade. S.H.A.D.E.

D. J. Dan: Have I heard of Shade?

Chris: They're Conspiraspy United.

D. J. Dan: Ahhhh, ha ha ha. Are these fellow Conspiraspies? I'm very excited about them, what's your second question?

Chris: Excellent, have you heard about Sissy French Fry and how do you feel about her?

D. J. Dan: Sissy French Fry? Let me tell you something about Sissy French Fry. There are about fifteen seconds of Sissy French Fry that are some of the finest cinema that I've ever seen. Shutdown! Don't call me about movies. Who do I look like Roger Ebert, for the love of god, man!

Tonya: Ha, ha, ha.

D. J. Dan: We're shutting down the man and you want to know what I think of Sissy French Fry? You what I...

Announcer (Johnny): Thumbs down.

D. J. Dan: No, no, no, There's about fifteen seconds of Sissy French Fry that get a...

Announcer (Johnny): Thumbs.. Thumbs Up!

D. J. Dan: Yes, they're on YouTube, look 'em up. Alright folks I'm going to take another call right here. Who do we got?

Tonya: Line one. Dawn from Phoenix.

D. J. Dan: Dawn from Phoenix, before I, uh, Dawn are you there? Dawn from Phoenix?

Tonya: I think Dawn just hung up.

D. J. Dan: Ahhh, Dawn. Dawn, are you there? (Singing)We miss you dawn, oh yes we do. Let's go to another call.

Tonya: Line three. Chuck from Austin.

D. J. Dan: Chuck from Austin. Chuck are you there?

LHorse007: (Loud static feedback pulse)

Everyone: Whoa!!

Tonya: Whoa Chuck.

D. J. Dan: Feedback pulse just melted the brain over Luis the D. J. Dan Roadie. He's lying on the floor, dying. Chuck are you there?

LHorse007: This isn't Chuck this is LHorse007.

D. J. Dan: This is whom?

LHorse007: (Static) LHorse007.

D. J. Dan: O.K., I have the worst connection in the world. I can't hear a word you're saying. Let's try to hear your questions.

Tonya: Are you saying you're Alvar?

LHorse007: (Static) I have a question.

D. J. Dan: Yes. Let's hear your question.

LHorse007: I want some information on where Joop is, because we're trying to save him and stuff.

D. J. Dan: Uh, they're trying to say, uh, I'm sorry I lost you there. ...find information on whom?

LHorse007: (Static) On Joop.

D. J. Dan: Joop! We've talked about Joop, we're going to save Joop, we've gone to savejoop.com, I'm wearing a Save Joop T-Shirt right now, Shutdown!

Announcer (Johnny): Folks, please don't call D. J. Dan from a shoe phone.

D. J. Dan: That's right folks. O.K. look, cordless, wireless, cell phone, call me! Don’t use the shoe, my friend. O.K. folks, you know what, I'm going to give you a fourth hint about that glyph. Monday, major metropolis, la manzana grande, its going to be in a touristy place, it's not going to be on the internet, folks. The location where the glyph will be shown rhymes with "Fresh Air." Wow. You can rename me Captain Obvious on that one folks. Monday, Fresh Air, yeah O.K.. Folks, um, you know, ah, I think... uh, Tonya, what's, what’s that sound Tonya?

(Ghost sounds in the background)

Tonya: Uh.

D. J. Dan: Tonya, that's so weird.

Tonya: It sounds like it's coming from above.

D. J. Dan: Great Caesar’s ghost, I think we all know what that means, conspirispies, I think it's time for our...

Announcer (Johnny): Area 51 Update.

D. J. Dan: Alright folks we're on the line, we got 'um on the line with one of our real patriots, my friend. Tonya, I think you know who I'm talking about, it's one of our real patriots. It's the guy we all know and love, our good ol' friend, Marvin the Earthling.

Tonya: Love Marvin

D. J. Dan: Marv.

Marvin: Earthling is right D. J. Dan. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not one of those green, evil, space killers.

D. J. Dan: Uh, that's right Marv. You're not. The only red dust Marv's ever touched was on the quarter panel of his mom's 1984 silver Chevy Impala. Ain't that right Marv?

Marvin: How'd you.. I never.. Told anyone that?

D. J. Dan: Good Man, Marvin! Yeah, Marvin, Where you at?

Marvin: Well, D.J. Dan, I'm in a little town called Rachel, Nevada.

D. J. Dan: You're kidding? Rachel, Nevada?

Marvin: No, I'm serious Rachel Nevada. Right on the edge of Nevada State 375, the extraterrestrial highway. Three miles from the place they call Dreamland.

D. J. Dan: You're living in dreamland. You want to run away. If you can figure out what that's a reference to, put that on the fuselage. For those of you who don't know, Dreamland is fine, attractive land owned by the US Government in Nevada. Attractive land that contains an airstrip, am airstrip that sees a day in, day out steady stream of UFO traffic. That's right people I'm talking about Area 51, Watertown strip, Paradise Ranch, Groom Lake, the farm, the detachment, you know what I'm talkin' about. It's ET central. You know what's happening in ET central Marv?

Marvin: Not all that much D. J. Dan, I had my camera confiscated.

D. J. Dan: Your camera was confiscated? Oh my god, Marvin.

Marvin: I was.. I think.

D. J. Dan: Marvin, I bought you that camera, Marv. O.K. O.K.

Marvin: I thought some of these cows were kinda funny… Their spots looked like they were spelling some sort of alien alphabet.

D. J. Dan: Wait, the spots on the rancher's cows were... looked like some sort of alien alphabet?

Marvin: Sir, yes, sir.

D. J. Dan: And you got photos?

Marvin: Oh, tons of um.

D. J. Dan: What about the camera?

Marvin: Well it's not exactly in one piece.

D. J. Dan: Oh, Marv, Marv, Marv.

Marvin: It wasn't my fault, man.

D. J. Dan: Wait, Are you running right now? Is that what’s going on?

Marvin: We'll I'm, uh. No. Not exactly. There's some guys who I think might be chasing me.

D. J. Dan: Well, what kind of guys?

Marvin: (Heavy breathing) Well, hold on a sec. O.K. Also, there's this um, symbol burnt into the ground. Right by the barrier. On the left side of the barrier next to Dreamland.

D. J. Dan: There's a symbol in the ground.

Marvin: There's a symbol burnt into the ground.

D. J. Dan: And you shot a picture?

Marvin: Well, camera.

D. J. Dan: The camera. The one I bought you that got smashed by the alien encounter.

Marvin: I kinda remember what it looked like. I'm doing a line drawing of it right now.

D. J. Dan: Fax it over Marv!

Marvin: O.K.. I am… Hold on a second…

D. J. Dan: Oh my god,

Marvin: I'm hitting send right now…

D. J. Dan: O.K, O.K..


(Screaming (Lots of "Marvin!")).

D. J. Dan: Marv, Marv, Marv! No, Marvin! No! Oh god! We freed Marvin. Our spy from area 51, but Tonya is that fax coming in? Are we getting the fax?

Tonya: Uh, yeah, I see something coming through.

D. J. Dan: You know that looks like one of those glyphs. Doesn't it?

Tonya: Yeah it does.

D. J. Dan: Its got got a numerical code on the bottom. Oh my god! You know, if this was television, I'd ask you to hold that up in front of the camera, but this is radio. You know what I'm going to do, I'm going to tape that… It looks like one of those glyphs; I'm going to tape it to the front door of Radio Harvest. If you can find the building that we're in, that glyph will the taped to the front door by the time this show is over and you can check out that glyph… That's the second glyph I'm giving folks, I'm giving you a hint about fresh air, la manzana grande, Touristy place, New York City, Monday, where you will be able to see a glyph. We've got a glyph right here, in the studio, we're going to tape it to our front door and you’re gonna get a chance… you can come here and get that glyph if you can figure out where this studio is. And it's not just a studio it's a company and its called...

Announcer (Johnny): Radio Harvest. But don't knock.


D. J. Dan: Folks we are taping the... Can we get someone to tape that glyph over there, right now? I want to make sure that whoever gets in goes to get that. All right folks, you know, you ask I answer, folks. I've got answers to all of your questions, I'll take a couple more calls and then I'm going to shut everybody down. If you're on the line, stay on the line, I'll shut you down personally. This show is getting on the road. Tonya give me a call.

Tonya: Line two, Kinetic from Pittsburg.

D. J. Dan: Kinetic from Pittsburg. Let's hear it.

Kinetic: Hey...

D. J. Dan: Now, are you truly kinetic? I mean are you in perpetual motion? Are you like an electron or perhaps a proton? What are we talkin' about here?

Tonya: Do you have gold teeth, Kinetic?

Kinetic: Kinetic?

D. J. Dan: Are you indeed Kinetic from Pittsburg?

Kinetic: No?

D. J. Dan: Oh my god that...

Announcer (Johnny): It's Pittsburg from Kinetic.

Kinetic: Find some good screeners man.

D. J. Dan: Oh my god that riff was for naught. Screeners? Do we even have screeners? Folks, this is an underground broadcast, what do you got for me folks? Let's hear it.

Kinetic: I want to know who I can trust these days, D. J. Dan?

D. J. Dan: Ha, ha, ha.

Kinetic: Tell me who I can trust, I want to know who can I trust?

D. J. Dan: There is only one thing in this world you can trust, my friend. There is only one true thing that is a constant for each and every one of us and that is... Shutdown! That's right folks, trust no one! The man in black said it, the cigarette smoking man said it, and I’m telling you trust no one. The only person you can trust is that beautiful, mellifluous, mechanical, sound that says, I've thrown you off the airwaves. Let's take another call, who do we have?

Tonya: Line eleven, Steven from Missoura.

D. J. Dan: Is this actually Steven from Missoura? Are you live with D. J. Dan?

Steven: Yes, I am.

D. J. Dan: Oh my god, we actually got it right. That's outstanding. So, what do you got for me?

Steven: Well, D. J. Dan I got a conspiracy to propose to you man.

D. J. Dan: It's been about three hours since I got a proposal.

Announcer (Johnny): You make the conspiracy!

Steven: Well, here’s something we’ve been talking about… What if Alvar Hanso isn't a real person?

D. J. Dan: What if Alvar…?

Steven: What if it's just a name plate? What if he's just a face that they put the Hanso
Foundation to?

D. J. Dan: Well, well, who do you think is guy in the building? The wonderful modernistic building in Narvik.

Steven: Well, who do you think is in the video?

D. J. Dan: Well, I, Uh.

Steven: That's what I'm saying. What if it's two different people? What if we got multiple people playing Hanso Foundation people, what if someone hasn't been found…

D. J. Dan: So basically, this whole conspiracy, is some sort of Scandinavian version of the movie Dave? Where Kevin Kline plays the president, and then plays a garment salesman that looks like the president? I don't think so, Shutdown! Folks, come on, life ain’t a movie! If anything life is a radio show and a damn fine one. You know what, let's clear out the phone lines. We're almost at the end here. If you've been hanging out on the lines, I think you deserve to be shutdown personally. Gimme, gimme somethin’!

Announcer (Johnny): Rapid fire shutdown!

D. J. Dan: That’s right folks, I’m shutting you down. Who do we have on the line?

Tonya: Line four, Paul from Santa Monica.

D. J. Dan: Paul is that you?

Paul: Huh?

D. J. Dan: Is that you Paul?

Paul: Yeah.

D. J. Dan: Shutdown!

Paul: What?

D. J. Dan: O.K. (Laughter). It's rapid fire shutdown, if you’re on the line that’s all I can give ya at this point, it's just a beautiful, lovely, constant of the deal of a shutdown. Gimme another line.

Tonya: Line two, Matzah, from the DOTS.

D. J. Dan: Er, Matzah from the DOTS.

Matzah: Hello?

D. J. Dan: Yes, shutdown! Alright let’s get another one here, who else do we have here?

Tonya: Line seven, Garrett from Tulsa.

D. J. Dan: Garrett from Tulsa, are you on the line?

Garrett: Yes I am.

D. J. Dan: Shutdown. (Laughs). O.K.

Tonya: Line sixteen, Monty from San... something.

D. J. Dan: Monty! Are you on the line?

Monty: I am indeed.

D. J. Dan: Shutdown!

Announcer (Johnny): Thanks for staying up.

D. J. Dan: Who else do we have?

Tonya: Line ten, Lauren from Fort Myers, Florida.

D. J. Dan: Fort Myers. Lauren are you there?

Lauren: Yeah, what’s up? How you doin?

D. J. Dan: Lauren I’m really sorry that I have to do this to you but I’m running outta time and I gotta shut you down, shutdown! OK, who do we have next?

Tonya: Line six, Dark Mark and with Rachel Blake’s refugee from San…

(Loud static)

D. J. Dan: Oh Lord, oh my god. No…

Announcer (Johnny): Shut you down!!!

D. J. Dan: Shutdown! That’s right, who else do we have?

Tonya: Line nine, K. M. Duke, from San Francisco.

D. J. Dan: K. M. Duke, are you there?

K. M. Duke: Just…

D. J. Dan: (Sings). Shutty…Shuttydown. I’ve shut you down now. (Laughs). O.K. and finally.

Tonya: Line five, Jose

D. J. Dan: Jose, where are you from Jose?… Jose are you there?

Jas: Er, this is actually Jas.

D. J. Dan: Who?

Tonya: Oh Jas!

D. J. Dan: Jas!

Tonya: I’m sorry Jas.

D. J. Dan: Jas I’m so sorry we macerated your name like that, especially since I have to (sings), shut you down! Folks, folks, folks, you know what, I’d, I’d like to get to a little something that I like to call, “Where is Alvar?” You’ve all heard me say where is Alvar, I think I wanna play…

(Pounding on door can be heard.)

D. J. Dan: Oh my god.

(More Pounding and knocking on door.)

D. J. Dan: There’s somebody knocking on the door folks! What the hell’s going on?

Man’s voice: D. J. Dan and Tonya. We’re…(inaudible)

D. J. Dan: Oh my god. I’m looking out the window, and folks, they’re wearing those pastel colored suits. Oh my god, it’s the Hanso Foundation. They’re here at Harvest Radio. Oh my god, Tonya grab the…amp… (static) Johnny grab the mics… Reese shut down the AC… (static) Leonardo pack the… easel up… Luis turn off the camera… Simon where’s the van…Julie get the espresso maker. Folks, I’m D. J. Dan, they’re coming after me. Shutdown the man! Rachel Blake never lose faith. Ladies and gentlemen, I am out of here. I’m D. J. Dan! Tonya, Luis, Johnny.
Shutting Down The Man!

Announcer (Johnny): On Radio Harvest.

Outro music plays.

Open mics can be heard under the outro music.

Runing length: approximately 1 hour and 48 minutes.