D.J. DAN LIVE INTERNET BROADCAST TRANSCRIPTION (SEPT. 24, 2006)
D. J .Dan Live Broadcast Transcription (09/24/06)
Prior to the D. J. Dan live broadcast the following messages were aired:
Announcer: This is Radio Harvest dot com. D. J. Dan is coming up. We’re just working out a few technical things. But, ah, he will be here.
Later…
Announcer: We still have a few things to set up and have a few technical things to work out but we are, ah, just moments away so just sit tight and listen to more music and we’ll be with you very shortly.
Transcript:
D. J. Dan intro music plays.
Singing: D. J. Dan
Johnny: Coming to you live from the final prediction of Nostradamus… it's D.J. Dan, shutting down the man.
D.J. Dan: Not just shutting down the man, Johnny
Johnny: Yes?
D.J. Dan: I said, not just shutting down the man...
Johnny: I heard you the first time, D.J. Dan. Uh, why are you staring at me? Okay, fine. Music please? Coming to you live...
Singing: D. J. Dan.
Johnny: From the prediction predicted to follow the final prediction of Nostradamus… It's D.J. Dan, shutting down THE man. Special Edition!
D. J. Dan: That's right Tonya, special edition. I'm feeling special!
Johnny: Special.
D.J. Dan: I’m feelin’ like I'm drinking lemonade on a Slip ‘n Slide through one of those twisty straws they had when you were a kid. Tonya?
Tonya: And you were in your thirties.
D.J. Dan: Oh, ho, ho… Tonya, that was a freebie Ton', next crack's gonna come out of your check.
Tonya: Ha, I get a check?
Johnny: Ha, ha ha!
D.J. Dan: Oh, Tonya. You know the straws I'm talking about Tonya, the ones that wrap around you like sunglasses, cooling and refreshing you even before your drink reaches your parched palette, and makes you wanna SING!
Tonya: Oh Lord.
D.J. Dan: I said, makes you wanna sing in your mellifluous, flowing baritone voice.
Johnny: Not good.
D.J. Dan: Alright alright alright, maybe the soothing sounds of my golden voice aren't what the people need right now, after all, I'm here to incite! Can I have an amen?
All: Amen!
D.J. Dan: Can I get a witness?
Someone: Yeehee!
D.J. Dan: Back to topic...
Johnny: Witness.
D.J. Dan: I know you're all wondering, what makes tonight's show so special? What could it be? Tonya, do you have a guess?
Tonya: Uh, Pluto's demotion to dwarf planet?
D.J. Dan: Tonya, enough with the dwarf planet stuff, I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, it's a conspiracy, wrapped in a hoax, perpetuated by the man. Anyone worth his frozen sea salt knows that Pluto is neither a planet, a Dwarf Planet, or a little planet or a gnome planet. It's a sentry base station conveniently dropped into orbit by the Procleons from Alpha Centauri. And Lords of Kobald help us; when that power coupling between said base station and the so-called "Moon" is repaired and the Prosleons spot our juicy blue backyard...ha ha ha. But once again, could you possibly guess what kind of special guest would make the show so very special?
Tonya: Uh, Ralph Macchio time warped in from 1984.
D.J. Dan: Wrong! Johnny, sweep the leg. Conspiraspies, many of you already know, but for those of you who don't, we have Rachel Blake, I'll say it again, Rachel Blake, no, Johnny's gonna say it, Johnny…
Johnny: Rachel Blake! Ah, Persephone.
Dan: Ah, Persephone. Conspiraspy of the year, a hacker extraordinaire, videographer of vigilance, the painter of life, no wait, that's Thomas Kinkade...
Johnny and Tonya: Laughing in background.
D.J. Dan: Uh, the light of my life, my PYT, my bride-to-be, a crusader against the unspeakable evils of my arch nemesis...
Johnny: (Sinister music) The Hanso Foundation.
D. J. Dan: Rachel Blake folks. I don't know where she is but she'll be here live tonight to answer the questions we've been dying to ask. Questions like "What is the deal with Alvar Hanso's beard?" Are those stylish hair follicles in fact made of weapons grade plutonium? Only Rachel knows. She's gonna be calling in later tonight. I don't know when, stay tuned, right here on RadioHarvest.com. I can't wait. But, why don't we go ahead and start off the show with a little segment that I like to call...
Johnny: Conspiraspies in the news.
Sound of ticker-tape news machine…
D.J. Dan: Ahhh, yes. Tonya, can I have the first headline please?
Tonya: Bo- Bogorrah: Leprechaun theme park for Jackson.
Johnny: Aye, Bagorrah.
Tonya: Ha, looks like Michael Jackson has taken a liking to the wee folk of Ireland. The Thriller singer who left the U.S. for the Mid-East following his acquittal on sex charges has been spending time on the Emerald Isle recently, and is looking into buying an estate there, possibly a castle, according to reports. What's more, he's supposedly interested in opening up a leprechaun-inspired theme park.
D.J. Dan: Conspiracy! For starters, enough with the theme parks. You want a theme park, pal? Pull back that veil and try the "Man in the Mirror." Ah ha ha ha ha, but back to the conspiracy, folks. Now folks, I've been talking about this for years. But has anyone else noticed in Michael Jackson's videos and movies - rainbows everywhere. What is the deal? The cover of "Moonwalker," rainbow. "Captain EO," spreading the rainbows! And why Johnny? Johnny?
Johnny: Leprechauns?
D.J. Dan: Leprechauns!
Johnny: Leprechauns!
D.J. Dan: Leprechauns. Jacko is in bed with the leprechauns, no pun intended. How else do you think he does that move, that move, the lean? Come on folks, I tried it once and you know what they called it? The fall. Next!
Tonya: Gurnee, Illinois, from the AP. Why wait in line when you can just eat a cockroach? That's the question Six Flags Great America is asking thrill seekers during the Halloween-themed Fright Fest. The amusement park is daring customers to eat a live, Madagascar hissing cockroach in exchange for unlimited line-jumping privileges.
D.J. Dan: Alright, Scam! Scam. Scam. Scam. Scam. Scam. This is not the first time, the first one the roaches have tried to pull on us, folks. Conspiraspies, if you know anything about roaches, you'll know that no matter how much you chew, how much you stomp, you just can't kill them. It's impossible, they can't die. They are the oldest things on the planet. Older than dirt, older than water, older than gravity. Why do you think the dinosaurs died out? Don't eat the roaches people. That's what they want, a way in! I'm afraid pretty soon you'll be seeing a seventh flag flying in Gurnee, that's right. The twisted flag of the roach eh- Johnny, could I have an Imperial March here for a second?
Johnny: Eh, uh, yes... Dun, dun dun, dunt, dun, dun, dun. Is this the one?
D.J. Dan: The twisted flag of the roach empire! Ah.
Johnny: Dun, dun, dun, dunt, dun, dun.
D.J. Dan: (Falsetto:) Ahhhh! (Continues in his normal voice) Very good. Next! Next headline.
Tonya: Power companies give squirrels a jolt.
D.J. Dan: Whoo-hoo!
Tonya: Allentown, Pennsylvania. From the AP. Shocking news, squirrels and power lines don't mix. The coops of pesky rodents are a leading cause of unplanned outages. They chew through power lines, fry themselves by completing electrical circuits and generally wreak havoc on power grids. The.. "Zap Shield" is an $11 polymer disk that arrived on the market some three years ago, and delivers a non-lethal electrostatic jolt to any varmint touching it.
D.J. Dan: Varmint! Hoax, hoax, folks, folks - this one's serious. I just want you all to sit down, here. Sit down if you're standing up please. Mom, that's right. We all know that gamma rays do some pretty awful things, man. We know what it did to Bruce Banner. That's right. They turned him into Lou Farrigno. Bill Bixby. Gamma rays. Lou Farrigno.
Sound of electrical static…
D.J. Dan: And I'll be the first to tell you, squirrel DNA, it don't take that much. That's right. We're gonna have the furry, flying, killer green death machines chomping at our throats! I say caveat squirrelus, my friends. Better a dead squirrel than a deadly, super squirrel. Don't say D.J. Dan didn't warn you. Next headline, Tonya.
Johnny: Super squirrel!
Laughter in background…
D. J. Dan: Gamma Squirrel!
Tonya: Phone telepathy, you knew it was true. Norwich, England. Reuters. Many people have experienced the phenomenon of receiving a telephone call from someone shortly after thinking about them. Now a scientist says he has proof of what he calls telephone telepathy. Rupert Sheldrake whose research is funded by the respected Trinity College of Cambridge said on Tuesday he had c-con (mup) condu, excuse me, conducted experiments that proved that such precognition existed…
D.J. Dan: All right, all right, all right! Scam. Scam. Scam. Scam. Folks, I get it, I get it. You're, you're saying, “Whoa, what is this about-face? Is D.J. Dan refuting telepathy?” But I'm not! I'm not refuting telepathy. What I'm saying is any study done by a guy named Rupert is obviously tainted. Tonya, wasn't Rupert Sheldrake the name of the character that Fred MacMurray played in “The Apartment?”
Johnny: Ha!
Tonya: Really?
Dan: Yeah! Absolutely it's false, it's a scam, and I'm shutting it down. We all know this, we grew up learning this. It's a scientific fact that Ruperts receive 90% of their phone calls from their mothers. That ain't telepathy folks. Rupert sat by the phone, thought "Mom" and then "Oh my God! A call from Mom! And my name is Rupert!" That's right Rupert…
Johnny: (Laughing) Rupert Sheldrake.
Tonya: Aww.
D.J. Dan: That's right, Rupert Sheldrake, "Hi Rupert, its mom! Did you eat your beans today?" This ain't telepathy folks, it's creepy! It's creepy, but it ain't telepathy. Ah, give me another, give me another headline Tonya, I'm sick of this Rupert.
Tonya: Shanghai. It's a big pajama party. Shanghai. Reuters. People wearing pajamas in public, still a common sight in Shanghai is one of the most irritating aspects of life in China's biggest city.
D.J. Dan (singing in Sha-na-na style voice): Pajama, pa-a-a-jama, pajama, pa-a-a-jama.
Tonya: According to an opinion poll…
D.J. Dan: Ahhh, conspiracy, conspiracy. You wanna know what's going on in Shanghai? Two words… pod people. Next!
Tonya: The Lost Experience ends September 24th.
D.J. Dan: Hmmm… Is that tonight?
Tonya: The multi-platform interactive phenomenon “The Lost Experience,” will come to a climactic close on September 24th with a live, worldwide radio Internet broadcast hosted by the renegade D.J. Dan.
D.J. Dan: Wait a minute, wait a minute, read me a little more, what's it say there, what else does it say there?
Tonya: It says that you are hosting…
D.J. Dan: Oh my God, you know Tonya, you know Tonya, this really bothers me. Every day for the past five months I have had to get up in the morning and stare at headlines calling my life a work of fiction. And just listen to this ball of lies they're chucking at our heads on the famed geek-out Internet site, the Lostpedia. That's right; it's a wiki-wiki site.
(Lost title music plays in background.)
D.J. Dan: "A character in the Lost Experience, D.J. Dan hosts a podcast about various subjects relating to the experience, including the Hanso Foundation and its many projects." Oh, it goes on! According to this, we're all characters. Every one of us sitting in this room, apparently created by some screenwriter named Josen- Jordan Rosenheimer, and that yippin' yappin'-
Johnny: Ya, da da da da da da. ( To the tune of John Jacob Heimer Scmidt)
D.J. Dan: -and that yippin' yappin' son of a nerfhearder, Javier Grillo-Marxuach. I mean, have you seen this guy? He's some sort of half-man half-bear creature with those beady eyes and that high tin-pot voice. I have half a mind to make him... Johnny, I need it, give it to me.
Johnny: Eh, uh, give you what? Oh! Oh! That. The mythical beastie of the day.
D.J. Dan: Yeah, take that Marxuach. But I'll come back to that. Because Tonya, you know what this does to me?
Tonya: Oh no.
D.J. Dan: You know how this makes me feel?
Tonya: Please, Dan, spare us.
D.J. Dan: The voices are dancing in my head and I gotta, I need to, I need to just…
Johnny: Let it out!
Dan: Don't you get it people? The Lost Experience is a hoax, a conspiracy, and a scam all rolled up into one. These small-minded people, these executives, and executive producers, and non-writing executive producers, and writing executive producers, and directing producers, and supervising producers, and co-producers, they have the gall to believe that they can put one over on you and me, the consumer. They have the sheer contempt to believe all it takes to hide the truth about their relationship with that nefarious organization, that VW Bug full of evil clowns, the people I call my arch-nemeses…
Johnny: (Sinister music) The Hanso Foundation.
D.J. Dan: They believe all it takes to hide the truth about their support for Thomas Mittelwerk and Alvar Hanso and all their evil schemes is to wrap it up in a pretty bow and call it, quote, “The Lost Experience.” Well I'm not gonna take it lying down conspiraspies, can't you see, it's slight of hand, it's the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist, well folks, ABC has one-upped him and they gave him his own TV show. What better way to obscure the truth than to put it on TV? Nobody with half a brain believes anything they see on TV is real, right? Not even the reality shows! So, of course, my life, your life, Rachel Blake's life. And if that wasn't what they were relying on, if Lost isn't real, then the Lost Experience isn't real, right. And Rachel Blake isn't. And Hanso, and the foundation, and Mittelwerk, nor his plot to kill 30% of the human race. Well that's just fine and dandy, but it ain't the truth. It's about control, conspiraspies, the Merovingian had their number, they take, they-they take me, they take Rachel, and there we are, threatening their very existence, so they pull a Bobby Ewing, that's right. You wake up to find ABC and Lost standing in your shower, telling you that the fight you've been fighting, the evil you've been outing, it's all part of a game. It's just a fiction dreamed up by Javier Grillo-Marxuach and Jordan Rosencrance.
Tonya: Uh, Dan, I think it's Rosenburg.
D.J. Dan: Rosenheimer, Rosenbuck, Burkenshtock, it doesn't matter. If anyone is a figment of anyone's imagination it's this writer, this Jordan Rosenbaum.
Johnny: Burg....Steve!
D.J. Dan: Dreamed up by Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse. And like our good friend Rachel said, they should be ashamed. So now I guess anything in your life you want to pretend isn't real, you can just call it the Blank Experience, right? Like, I had a doughnut today, maybe it was just the Croner Experience? It's not gonna show up in my butt tonight, no, not at all!
Tonya: Oh, Dan...
D.J. Dan: That exists in reality, right now. It's like saying "Hey, going to a Cubs game with Johnny, that exists in reality, but now, it's an experience, it's the Cut-Johnny-Off-by-the-Fifth-Inning Experience." And winning means Johnny can drive himself home.
Johnny: Clean and sober.
D.J. Dan: You see what I'm getting at? Life is not entertainment people. Life is life. The stakes are real. If the Hanso Foundation gets away with what it's doing, a third of my audience vanishes. Now I can hear you thinking it, conspiraspies: "DJ Dan, prove it. Prove to us that you're real." Well ask yourselves if I were truly a fictional character, an overweight fictional character such as I am with a professed love for powdered doughnuts, would I really have cut those bastards out of my diet? Would I? No! Because fictional characters don't worry about their fictional health. If I wasn't real, would I really settle for this home-delivered, fat-restricted, carb-counted, sugar-stripped, nasty, disgusting, wheat germ, vulgar, parsley-filled (yeah I said parsley Tonya, and you know how I feel about parsley), starch-free, tasteless hockey puck of a diet plan?
Tonya: You love it.
Dan: So I can somehow convince my blushing, and now paling in revulsion, bride to look at me in my boxers without suppressing a giggle? If I wasn't real, would I not have cast two adorable, gorgeous child actors to play my kids? Would I, would they not have the eyes of Jack and the cheekbones of Sawyer? I can't even find their damn cheekbones! Reality, my friends, is pain, and worry, and struggle. But the struggle, my friends, the work, to free ourselves from the bonds of the man: that is our freedom, that is our joy, and there is no freedom in delusion. There is no freedom on your couch, except for right now, I'm bringing the fight to your couch. I'm bringing the, quote, “Lost Experience,” a.k.a. the HARSH TRUTH OF REALITY, to your doorstep. You know, a wise man once said, "There's only one man wiser than I, and that man, is DJ Dan".
Johnny: And that man was me.
D.J. Dan: How can you argue with that?
Johnny: You can't.
D.J. Dan: Conspiraspies, we're here on RadioHarvest.com. The Hanso Foundation tried jamming us earlier today, we have thwarted them, we are on. We're going to come back, I'm gonna take your calls. I want to hear your thoughts, your rants, your raves. When we return, you're going to be on the line with me. Folks, it's time for a song about the Man.
Song: "For What it's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield plays.
Singing: D.J. Dan
Johnny: Coming to you live, from the bridge of the Battlestar Conspira-sub-spa-con-(Laughter). Can we do that again, DJ Dan?
D.J. Dan: Let's try that again now, try.
Johnny: Okay, here we go (cough, laughter)
Singing: D.J. Dan
Johnny: Coming to you live, from the bridge of the Battlestar Conspiraspy, it's D.J. Dan, shutting down the Man! And now, my good, close, personal friend, D.J. Dan.
Dan: Yes, it wouldn't be a D.J. Dan broadcast without at least one false start, would it, Johnny?
Johnny: Uh, I don't know what you're talking about, that was perfect!
Dan: Exactly... it was fantastic! And now, if you're hearing spooky music, you know what that spooking means, don't you?
Johnny, D.J. Dan and Tonya make ghost sounds.
D.J. Dan: Tonya, what do you think that music means?
Tonya: We got our budget cut again?
D.J. Dan: Yeah, it sure sounds like it, doesn't it, but no, one of these days, Tonya, to the dwarf moon of the dwarf planet Pluto. To the Moon of Pluto!
Johnny: The dwarf moon of Pluto!
D.J. Dan: Uh, yeah that's not it's name, it's Kay-ron or Kai-ron, or...
Johnny: Shai-ron.
D.J. Dan: Or is it Charon?
Johnny: Charbroiled.
Tonya: Doesn't it have a nickname?
D.J. Dan: Folks, folks, but let's not, let's not forget the topic here, the topic here is why are we hearing this incredibly mellifluous music?
Johnny: Oh, oh… music.(Makes more ghost sounds.)
D.J. Dan: That can only mean it's time for our?
Johnny: Area 51 update.
D.J. Dan: That's right, Conspiraspies, it's time to find out what's happening in Dreamland, Groom Lake, Watertown Strip. You may know it as Area 51, but any way you slice it, it's time to get old Marvin the Earthling on the line!
Johnny: He's walking into our studios now.
D.J. Dan: Uh, Marv?
Marvin: Hi, guys.
D.J. Dan: Uh, Marv...
Marvin: Uh, oh, you got a shoe rule?
Laughter in the background.
Marvin: Oh, just, no, I'll just go ahead and take 'em off.
D.J. Dan: Marv, Marvin, what are you do-, what are you doing here? You can't leave Area 51 in the hands of the Man, man! I mean, they could be planning extraterrestrial landings and takeovers, and they could be turning the freakin' Mojave… uh, is it, is it the Mojave? (Siren in the background.)
Marvin: Yeah, yeah it's the Mojave.
D.J. Dan: Ah, okay, ah, well, they could be turning it into a giant Zen rock garden, for all we know! They, they could be planning on taking out Vegas. Tonya, get Cirque de Soleil on the line, stat!
Tonya: Do those people even talk?
Dan: Marvin, Marvin I'm busy here. Rachel Blake is going to be calling in in a few minutes and...
Marvin: Now, DJ, listen. No, no! But listen, wait. What I'm saying is, D.J. Dan, is that, you know, what with the space-time continuum Quantum Leap Funka-tude, and all the weird machines they got out there and everything, what, what I'm saying is what if I still am at Area 51 and here at the same time? And what if I'm about to be calling you right about... ?
Tonya: Dan? We've got Marvin the Earthling on Line 4... Marvin, go...
D.J. Dan: No no no no, put him on shut down, SHUT DOWN!! Haven't you people, has nobody here seen Time Cop?! If Marvin there talks with Marvin here, then over the phone, we're talking massive rip in the space-time continuum, the kind you can't fix with a, with a Van Damme split!
Johnny: Rippidy-dippidy-doo!
D.J. Dan: Well, huge! Thank God we got that in order. Jeepers, it's like the entire show's falling apart. Marv, as long as you're here, we'd better keep you here. You got any radio skills?
Marvin: Uh, nope, but, uh, um, I am in fact an expert on "The Lost Experience".
D.J. Dan: A little something I like to call Reality.
Marvin: Uh, riight...right.
D.J. Dan: The So-called Experience.
Marvin: So, look. If, if you don't mind, I'll just sit over here in the corner, um, as quiet as Schrödinger’s Cat, and I will, uh, wait until my services are needed, D.J. Dan.
D.J. Dan: Well, okay, that's what I'm saying, because Marvin the Earthling's an expert on this, if there's something I don't know, Marvin's going to know it, folks, so you just try and call us and we'll see what happens. I'm going to take your calls.
Marvin: Stump me.
D.J. Dan: So, folks, I'm oing to open up the phone lines, and I'm going to talk about this so-called "Experience", about the Hanso Foundation, rather, as I like to call them, my arch nemeses...
Johnny: Oh, gi-gimme another second here!
D.J. Dan: Alright, folks, let's try that again...
Johnny: Hold on, hold on...
D.J. Dan: I'm going to talk about my arch nemeses...
Johnny: Hold on, hold on, hold on... can I have ano--God, the music...
D.J. Dan: Folks, we're gonna have the calls here first. We're going to be talking about my arch nemeses:
Johnny: (Laughter) (Sinsiter music) The Hanso Foundation... yeah!
D.J. Dan: Wow, that was a long road for that piece.
Johnny: It was the music, I had to have my music.
D.J. Dan: Folks... here's the thing, you've seen the video, what does it mean? When is Rachel planning on, on releasing the...? When is Thomas Werner Mittelwerk planning on releasing that virus, ok... I want to know what's going on with that guy. Do the authorities know? I sent my completed version of that video to every government spook stooge, official and non-official I know, so far, not a peep. Is Mittelwerk still running the joint? We haven't heard a thing from The Hanso Foundation since September 8th! Is Mittelwerk on the run? Is he right? What do you guys think? I mean, if it's true, we're all going to die in say, 2012? You know, the Mayans predicted an apocalypse then, that, that would it be the right thing to do to eighty-six 30% of the population? Whatever's going on with this Mittelwerk creep, I don't like it, folks. I feel like Tom Skerritt in the airplane with the flame thrower, the alien is getting closer and closer with the beeping and the booping and the beeping... and I don't like it. Oh, lord, folks!! Someone get me a brown paper bag! I'm going to take some calls, who do we have on the line?
Tonya: Line 15, it's Idan from... (beep, beep, beep – disconnected sound)
D.J. Dan: Ohh, lost Idan. Who else do we have?
Tonya: Line 14, Mike from N.Y.
D.J. Dan: Is this Mike from N.Y? You're on the air with D.J. Dan.
Mike: Yeah, this is Mike from N.Y., how you guys doing?
Johnny: We have a call.
D.J. Dan: We have a call, ladies and gentlemen. Mike, we're doing great, yeah, we're just running on Mountain Dew and Red Bull here. What are you running on?
Mike: Ah, I'm running pure spirit, to shut down The Man.
D.J. Dan: Ha ha, excellent. So tell us what can we do you for tonight, what do you want to talk about.
Mike: Um, well, we're actually involved with this band, we're called the Abberlines.
Johnny: Shameless self-promotion.
D.J. Dan: That's right. Please use my airspace to promote your band! Cuz that's what I live for...
Mike: Listen guys, our main message is, we want you to shut down The Man. I need a favor from you, D.J. Dan.
D.J. Dan: You need a favor from me, what do you need there?
Mike: I need you guys to send out some D.J. Dan t-shirts so that everyone who sees us knows what we're all about.
D.J. Dan: You know what? I'm sorry, but this is way too commercial, even for me, as I drink my uh my my Sprite, and drive home in my Jeep Compass. I'm going to have to shut you down, please talk to our screener. Thank you, good night, shut down! Next call, who do we have?
Tonya: Line 9, The Fox, from San Diego.
D.J. Dan: The Fox... from San Diego.
The Fox: Hi!
D.J. Dan: Yes, hi, The Fox! How are you tonight, The Fox?
Johnny: (laughing) Improper syntax.
The Fox: Hello, there. I'm doing pretty good, how's it goin’, Dan?
D.J. Dan: Well, so far so good. If you have a question, or some sort of music for me that'll serve as content, I'll be even better. Whatcha got?
The Fox: I've got a question. As you know, I've taken many pictures of The Hanso Foundation with my specially made camera here...
D.J. Dan: Oh, really.
The Fox: Yeah. And for some reason, every time I do? They look like stick figures and I'm not quite sure why.
D.J. Dan: Shut Down! They look like stick figures, and you don't quite know why? I don't understand, what are you using, mammography?? For the love of God! Get a real camera, get a digital ca--I thought I--wait a second, are you still on the air?
Johnny: We shut him down.
D.J. Dan: I hope we shut him down! I could hear The Fox!
Johnny: Would you like to shut him down again?
D.J. Dan: Let's shut him down again.
Johnny: Shut down.
(Laughter in studio)
D.J. Dan: OK, The Fox, you're off the air. Gimme, gimme another call. Are you still on the air, The Fox?
Johnny: Shut down not working.
Tonya: Ha, ha ha!
D.J. Dan: Christ, the entire show has gone to Hell in a bucket! Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot shut down The Fox! Perhaps he's a goon of The Hanso Foundation. Let's have another call, who do we have?
Tonya: Line 13, Monte, from N.Y.
D.J. Dan: Monteeeeeeeeee! from NY. How you doin’ ?
Monte: Hi, is this D.J. Dan?
D.J. Dan: Monte. You know last time, I shut you down very rudely.
Monte: No you didn't.
D.J. Dan: No? I shut down a Monte.
Monte: You said my name, and I was honored.
D.J. Dan: Oh, excellent. Oh, Monte, you, you are taking the express lane to my heart. What can I do for you tonight?
Monte: I have a question for you that appeals to the D.J. side of your talent.
D.J. Dan: Excellent, excellent. A sadly underused side of my talent. Let's hear it.
Monte: I, I'm dying to know, where I can get a copy of Geronimo Jackson's original album, Magna Charta.
D.J. Dan: Well, you know, Geronimo Jackson Magna Charta is almost as rare as Keith Strutter's original album for his band, the Kharma Imperative, we all know this.
Monte: Yes, yes we do. You mentioned that on the last broadcast.
D.J. Dan: I believe that it's actually an incredibly rare pressing. I don't know how many records were actually put out of the original Magna Charta. I mean, frankly, you know, I think we all know where at least one printing of that record is, am I right, Monte?
Monte: I--I trust you, DJ Dan, but I normally live in San Francisco and Haight Asbury cannot locate that album, and I've tried!
D.J. Dan: I know Monte, but I don't know.. I think when this entire thing with The Hanso Foundation has come to an appropriate conclusion; we're going to make it our life's mission to track down Geronimo Jackson, but until then? Monte, I'm gonna have to shut you down.
Monte: D.J. Dan? Ah.
D.J. Dan: You know, you're on, still on. Come on, say it!
Johnny: You're unshut.
D.J. Dan: No, we shut him down, he's gone.
Johnny: (laughing) Oh, he's shut.
D.J. Dan: Alright, um, folks, you know what? We've taken a couple of calls, but I'm going to take another call. I'm feeling generous tonight. Let's do another one, what do we got.
Tonya: Line 1, Mark from Toronto.
D.J. Dan: Mark from Toronto, what do we got for you. (silence) Mark from Toronto? You're on the air with DJ Dan.
Tonya: Eh?
D.J. Dan: No? We don't have Mark from Toronto. OK, let's get another call. Who do we have?
Tonya: Kyle, from Hudson, New Hampshire, Line 7.
D.J. Dan: Kyle, Kyle XY! Oh wait, that’s on another network.
Johnny: Ah, he's got a dreamy belly button, no, dreamy blue eyes.
D.J. Dan: No, that's right, he doesn't have a belly button, yes.
Johnny: Sans belly button.
D.J. Dan: Kyle, you're on the air with D.J. Dan, what do you got to say to me. (silence) Kyle? You're on the air. You got anything? Oh, Kyle, we've made jokes about a TV show with your name, and you're not even there. Give me another call, who do we have.
Tonya: Line 14, Joe from Oregon.
D.J. Dan: Joe from Oregon. (TV on in background) Joe? You're on the air with DJ Dan LIVE!
Johnny: Joe?
D.J. Dan: Well, Joe's family is having a big party listening to D.J. Dan.
Joe: Yeah, we're having a huge party.
D.J. Dan: Well, Joe, what can we do for you? I'm D.J. Dan, you're Joe.
Joe: Right on. This is Hector, and uh, we've got a special guest here to talk to you. DJ Lena has got some questions for you.
D.J. Dan: Well, let's hear the questions FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Johnny: He has guests.
Joe: Hello?
Lena: Hey Dan, what's up!
D.J. Dan: Not much, it'll get a lot better when you tell me what you got! Come on, I need content. It's all greetings.
Lena: I was wondering if I could expose you.
D.J. Dan: Yes, you can expose me.
Johnny: Ohhh, please do not! (Laughter) Sitting right across from me.
Tonya: We do not want to see that!
D.J. Dan: We have kids in the studio, for the love of God. Whataya got for me?
Lena: Speaker told me, he passed the word along.
D.J. Dan: Well, what did Speaker tell you, about what? I need to hear something from you, what's going on?
Tonya: Who's Speaker?
Lena: I think that you are full of bull myself. I think you wag the dog.
D.J. Dan: Uh I think I wag the--you think I wag the--You know what I wag?? I wag the Shut Down!
Johnny: Oh you uh, oh you want the shut down.
D.J. Dan: I wag the, I wag nothing! Gimme another call!
Tonya: Chuck from Austin.
D.J. Dan: Chuck from Austin.
Tonya: Line 9.
D.J. Dan: Line 9, let's hear from Chuck. Chuck from Austin.
Chuck: (Load static feedback) Hey, DJ Dan.
D.J. Dan: Whoa, turn it down, buddy! Nice shootin’ there, Tex! Whatcha got?
Chuck: Whoa, a little loud over there. This is Chuck from Austin over here.
D.J. Dan: Hi Chuck from Austin.
Johnny: Actually his name.
D.J. Dan: Yes, let's here it, whatcha got for me. (silence) Chuck? Chuck? Did we cut Chuck--Chuck?
Tonya: Chuck?
Johnny: Get an ambulance over here. (Ambulance siren)
D.J. Dan: Oh God, God, they got Chuck! The Hanso Foundation got Chuck! I didn't even shut this guy down!
Johnny: Go ahead.
D.J. Dan: Screeners, if Chuck calls again, I need to talk to Chuck, I want to know what Chuck from Austin had to say. But folks, you know, these calls only lead me to one thing. I'd like to talk to you something about this. They're creamy, they're chocalicious, they're full of messages from Rachel Blake. But if you're like me, Conspiraspies, you know that somewhere in the back of your minds, that something's just not right with scarfing down four Apollo bars in 26 seconds, I mean, even I know when I've crossed the line. And the reason? Hidden addictive substances. Mind control substances not listed in the, the wrapper of your Apollo bar. That's right, folks. It's time for a little something that I like to call (Sound of a bugle):
Johnny: Top 5 Mind Control Substances in the Apollo Bar.
D.J. Dan: That's right, folks. Things that are not listed. We looked at some, ah, reports, we did some analyses, folks, and we got our resident PhD, Louis, to analyze a simulated Apollo chocolate, he's also our roadie, and you'll never believe some of these ingredients he found. LYMON. Number 5, Lymon. No surprise here. Lymon, practically invented by the Apollo Candy Company. It, it it is a conspiracy by The Hanso Foundation. Those of you who have been following the work of Dr. Hackett, remember, he split over a Lymon-related dispute with Dr. Mittelwerk. Number 4…
Johnny: Xanthum gum.
D.J. Dan: I knew it! I don't know what this is, I don't know what it does, it might be an emulsifier, it might be a viscosifier. You ask me, it sounds like something out of a Pierce Anthony novel. Lord knows the man likes to write about mind control. Number 3:
Johnny: Parsley.
D.J. Dan: Noooooo! (Tonya laughs) It can't be! Tonya, you put parsley on the list! You know how I feel about parsley! Luis, was there anything worse, Luis?
Tonya: Maybe it was Jordan Rosenberg.
D.J. Dan: Rosenheimer. Number 2, now this makes sense, all the sense in the world:
Tonya: Perfect.
Johnny: Doughnut extract.
D.J. Dan: Very addictive. I, I, I should know, but on the plus side, recent studies show that doughnut extract cures baldness.
Johnny: D.J. Dan was in the control group.
(Studio laughter)
D.J. Dan: Oh, shut up. Oh, finally, I don't know how they did it, I don't know why they did it, but somewhere between my 3rd and 4th bars, I couldn't shake the feeling that old Jamie Farr was dancing around in my head. That's right, the most prevalent secret mind control ingredient in the Apollo bar is: Season One of M*A*S*H! I'll hand it to the lethal Hanso scientists, they're good! If you don't believe me, just try it for yourself. Take a bite of your Apollo bar right now, and tell me you don't see Clinger in drag. You can't. You can’t! Folks we’re going to do a little song about the man. We’ll be back in a few.
"Trampled Underfoot" by Led Zeppelin plays
Voice: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0… Ignition! Liftoff!
(Laughter by Tonya.)
Singing: D. J. Dan
Johnny: Ha, ha. From the destroyed fourth wall... it's D.J. Dan, Shutting Down The Man! And now here he is, D.J. Dan.
D. J. Dan: We have all seen the Sri-Lanka video. Some of us spent weeks trying to put that little sucker together. We've all seen the lecture that Mittelwerk gave. We know all about the “numbers” and the Valenzetti Equation. Johnny's been getting a lot of e-mail, a lot of frantic messages, so has Tonya...
Johnny: Keep ‘em coming.
D. J. Dan: You know what? Everyone wants to know one thing. They want to know, 'What should I do if I encounter The Numbers?' Folks! First of all, do not put the numbers in a song, or rap or a mashup. Fenris! My eyes are on you! You should know by now that the Numbers are sensitive! All you'll do is enrage them and remind them how they were cut off from the first round of American Idol tryouts last year! I mean, when the only good thing that Paula can say is that she likes your choice of bowler and spats, and that perhaps you should continue your day job as a representational string of values, representing the core environmental and human factors in the Valenzetti Equation, Ooh, that's gotta be a blow. Folks, number 2. Do not ask for a photograph! Do not ask for an autograph. If you're going to compliment them, don't walk up and talk about the Numbers' early work. And by all means, do not talk about 23's gambling problem. That's between 23 and 42. 3: If they’re in a fortune cookie, do not eat the cookie!! In fact, you may want to reconsider the whole meal. I'm talking Ipecac, people.
Johnny: Ipecac.
D. J. Dan: That's, you know that’s what I'm saying. You can't be too careful. If you find the Numbers in a fortune cookie, folks, that meal's a rental not a purchase, if you know what I'm saying. Number 4, if you're a freshman in high school and the Numbers just happen to be your locker combination, transfer! You're in for a world of swirlies, my little friend. You're on the express train to Farmer Ted country.
(Studio laughter)
D. J. Dan: And if you're a senior, and the freshman whose locker you decided to steal and use for your own has a combination that's the Numbers, pick a different kid, O.K.? You're about to become Chet, if you know what I'm saying. And 5, if you happen to see these numbers appear on a receipt for your signature, do noy sign it! Whatever you bought, return it! Run out of the store screaming. And if it's a meal?
Johnny: Er, uh, if it's a meal?
D. J. Dan: Ipecac!
Johnny: Ipecac. Oh, Ipecac.
D. J. Dan: It's only Johnny's favorite word. What is that word, Johnny?
Johnny: Ipecac.
D. J. Dan: That's right.
Johnny: D.J. Dan?
D.J. Dan: Yes?
Johnny: I wasn't paying attention.
D. J. Dan: Ha, ha, ha! What a surprise.
(Laughter in studio.)
D.J. Dan: Little known fact. Meals prepared with Numbers have been scientifically proven to contain near fatal levels of Riboflavin. And finally? If you encounter the Numbers on a broadcast telling you what to do when you encounter the Numbers, you have only one alternative: open your windows, right now and shout it into the night! Conspiraspies unite! (Shouting) That’s right! I want you to go to your windows. I want you to open those windows. I want you to stick your head out. I want you to say, “Man, my life has value.” I want you to say, “Conspiraspies unite!” Then we’ll deal with the government. Then we’ll deal with the television. But first, you’ve got to get mad! You’ve got to go out! You’ve got go out and open the window and shout, “Conspiraspies unite!”
(Studio shouting and “Unite!”)
Tonya: Unite!
D. J. Dan: Conspiraspies unite!
Johnny: Plagiarized concept.
D. J. Dan: Oh my God, folks. I swear, that Howard Beale is a guru, he's a life coach to me. You know what folks? Now that I've yelled like that at you, I feel like I need a little bit of what we in the business refer to as 'vocal rest.' So, what are we going to do? There's a little segment here that I like to call...
Johnny: Johnny recaps the “Lost Experience.”
D. J. Dan: That's right, folks, while I go guzzle down a little more Red Bull, I feel that some of you may not entirely know what's been going on in reality, a.k.a. the Lost Experience, as those stooges at ABC will have you call it. That's right folks, so in order for you to catch up on what I'm talking about, Johnny, our very own announcer Johnny, who's more than a little hopped on up the Luagavulin, is going to recap the entire Experience for you. So folks, without further ado, Johnny? Take 'er away.
Johnny: Ah, Wednesday night. I wish D.J. Dan would be nicer to me… Hey! Its my favorite show, Lost! A phone number? For the Hanso Foundation? I’d better dial it! Who are these strange people on these voice mails? Breaking strain! Persephone! Who is this girl? Wow, what a great website. Nice music. Hi Joop! Hey, put away those teeth! My name is Johnny. Hey, look, the screen’s talking to me. Breaking strain, did I spell that right… woah! What’s happening to my screen? No, I refuse to believe these executives are corrupt. Not you too Dick Cheever!
D.J. Dan: Dick Cheever!
Johnny: Mittelwerk isn’t really a doctor? Hmm. The Vik Institute? Organ harvesting, and electromagnetic antenna? Maybe these Hanso people aren’t so good after all. Save Joop, Save Him! Save that monkey! Yeah, where is Alvar? What’s that sound! Alarms? Alarms! Persephone? Persephone, where are you! Hey, what a nice travel blog. Wait a minute. Is this Rachel Blake really Persephone? Yes I would like some pizza! I’m hungry! Careful Rachel, oops, ooh maps! Alvar Hanso’s grandfather? Captain of The Black Rock? Hide Rachel! Hide, in… in the closet! Not with the iron! Was that really necessary? Zander’s lying, don’t believe him. Hieroglyphics? Valenzetti? An exchange transfusion? That is gross. GidgetGirl was… Darla? Poor Darla! Gunshots! Run! Run! That’s right, use the glasses cam. I don’t like the dark. Was that a roach on the sink? The Helgus Antonius? Quarantine? Sri Lanka? The Spider Protocol? Hey, who’s that girl yelling at the Lost panel? She’s beautiful. Oh, oh, it’s Rachel! Hanso Exposed? Who is this Mr. Beardy fellow? It’s Alvar Hanso! Mittelwerk wants to kill us all! The “numbers!” Ah! Ah! Yeah, yes, I would like an Apollo bar. I love parsley.
D. J. Dan: Folks! That was the entire text of reality also known as the Lost Experience, by none other than our very own, announcer Johnny.
(Clapping in studio.)
D. J. Dan: And folks, we’re gonna give announcer Johnny a little bit of what I like to call “vocal rest”, that’s right he’s going into a closet, we’re gonna put a warm towel around his aching throat. And while I do that I’m gonna take a couple of questions from D.J. Dan’s mailbag. That’s right let’s see what you got. Tonya, give me a question.
Tonya: From Kyle.
D. J. Dan: Ah Kyle. Kyle XY, with the dreamy blue eyes and no belly button. Yes.
Tonya: D.J. Dan, just how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop…
D. J. Dan: 108. NEXT!
Tonya: Wow, really… ah, D.J. Dan. From Revjob.
D. J. Dan: Revjob! I had a Revjob earlier today! It was delightful. But we’re not gonna talk about that, yes, go ahead.
Tonya: My question is, who’s in the sites of your sawed off journalist shotgun next? You and Rachel have already blown the Hanso Foundation out of the water, so who’s next on your hit list?
D. J. Dan: You wanna know who we’re goin’ after if we take the Hanso Foundation down? I’ll tell ya who I’m gonna go after, the Children’s Television Workshop. That’s right, the CTW. You’ve all been hearing the rumors! Cookie monster, my personal idol, the blue creature I worshipped for much of my adult and child life, is being turned into the veggie monster? In some kind of effort to get kids to eat more GMOs. Folks! C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me. Next!
Tonya: From Bo Jangles.
D. J. Dan: Bo! Jangles.
Tonya: D.J. Dan, you rule!
D. J. Dan: Whoo, well of course I do, thank you.
Tonya: Ha, ha, ha, ha…
D. J. Dan: Bo. May I call you Bo?
Tonya: I can’t help but wonder what a genius like you might know about the mysteries of life. Lemme just ask, what is the meaning of life?
D. J. Dan: Ah, the meaning of life, well! Try to get in a good book now and then, ah try and avoid fatty foods, and try together with people of all different races, creeds and colors. Ah, next.
Tonya: From Mr. Mulders.
D. J. Dan: Mr. Mulders.
Tonya: To the real ones, D.J. Dan and Tonya. We’ve all been waiting, and now Rachel Blake promises to tell the whole truth about Hanso and…
D. J. Dan: That’s right folks. She’s gonna be here, she’s gonna be calling me. I’m telling you, I know this for a fact.
Tonya: But wait. What if Rachel is the Man? Are you tough enough to rip out your sugar coated feelings and to shut her down?
D. J. Dan: Oh my god. Oh my god this question is ripping the fabric of space-time all around me. I don’t know what I would do if Rachel was the man! Oh my god! Oh god! Oh god! What do I…? Children’s Television Workshop I’m going after them did I say that? I say that already, that’s what I do…
Tonya: We all heard you Dan.
D. J. Dan: Alright, alright. Now you know what, I’ve had it with these emails. Um, they don’t have that personal touch that I like. You know I like kinda reaching out and touch… let’s take a phone call! Who do we have on the line?
Tonya: Line 15. Bill. From Frederick, Maryland.
D. J. Dan: Ah, Bill. Bill, this is D.J. Dan, are you on the line?
Bill: Hello, how’s it going?
D. J. Dan: It’s going great Bill. If you have questions, musings, or answers, I’d be very happy to hear them.
Bill: Well this is Lhorse007 from the Lost Experience Clues, anyway.
D. J. Dan: Oh excellent. So you’re, you’re part of this so-called alternate reality? You’re playing into it? Come on man, why don’t you call it the “Reality Clues” O.K. What you got to say, come on, let’s hear it.
Bill: Well, ah, I’ve been wondering if Rachel really is Persephone.
D. J. Dan: You know what. When she gets here, I’m gonna put a rest to that once and for all O.K.? I believe that this woman is Persephone. I know this to be a fact. I’ve talked to her about it. She’s gonna talk to me about it in mere minutes.
Bill: Do you think she’s the original Persephone though?
D. J. Dan: I, I think that there’s only person… look this is the woman who’s on a very focused quest right here, I mean I don’t think only one, I think this is something that only one person does, I think this is an act of obsession bordering on beautiful, seductive mania. In fact, O.K., and I think that Rachel orchestrated this whole thing. I think I’ve already given my theory in one of my live broadcasts, when I have said that just because Rachel maybe isn’t as good at the espionage stuff O.K., doesn’t mean that she’s not a great hacker O.K., or vice versa. I think that there is, you know, I think that you have to be fair about the fact that not everybody’s skill set at every point in their life is gonna be exactly the greatest. Why do you think she’s not Persephone?
Bill: I think the original Persephone was the one, you know, hacking the site and everything and perhaps, ah, Hanso was getting too close to her so Rachel decided to come out and say she was Persephone, so the other Persephone could, you know live free from persecution…
D. J. Dan: You know what, you know what, I, I’m not going to shut you down, and I would shut down normally anybody who calls, I shut down every call, I’m just gonna say… I will ask Rachel that myself when she’s here in a little while O.K.? That’s what I’m gonna do.
Bill: Thank you.
D. J. Dan: Thank you very much for your call, next call. Who else do we have?
Tonya: Line 7. Joe from Bristol.
Dan: Joe from Bristol. Bristol, ah, Bristol, ah, Oregon? Are we talking about Bristol in Bligh my friend?
Tonya: Connecticut…
Joe: Connecticut.
D. J. Dan: Bristol, Connecticut. Oh I thought you were one of our friends across the pond but I still love you dearly. What you got for us boy?
Joe: I have a question for you D.J. Dan.
D. J. Dan: That’s good.
Joe: How’s it feel?
D. J. Dan: (Laughs) How’s what feel?
Joe: Being Shutdoen!!! (hangs up)
(Studio laughter)
Johnny: You know what, can I just say something?
D. J. Dan: Yes, go ahead.
Johnny: He didn’t have the sound effect so that’s not an official shutdown.
D. J. Dan: You know what, I… you know how it feels? Not as good as if you were to say… Shutdown!
Johnny: Oh, er, ah.
D. J. Dan: Well apparently I don’t have sound effects either.
Johnny: No there it is, there it is. (Shutdown music plays.)
D. J. Dan: Oh well you know what, a man has gotten his vengeance on me, oh no! I’m crushed! I’m so crushed, I’ve been shut down, it’s the worst thing ever! Put somebody else on for the love of god. My god.
Tonya: Line 16. Jeff from New Jersey.
D. J. Dan: O.K. now Chuck from Austen, if you’re out there, please call me I wanna know what you had to say,
Jeff: Hello?
D. J. Dan: Jeff!
Jeff: Hey how are you doing?
D. J. Dan: You’re on with D.J. Dan. It’s going great!
Jeff: Good, ah.
D. J. Dan: What do you think I’m on? There’s a rumor on the Internet that I was apparently on crystal meth, well I’m not on crystal meth, what do you think I’m taking?
Jeff: I think you’re taking a lot of Red Bull.
D. J. Dan: I’m taking a lot of Red Bull, that’s right.
Jeff: Well that’s great though.
D. J. Dan: I’m dancing with the bull that is red, my friend, what you got for me?
Jeff: Ah, first I wanna tell Johnny he did an awesome job with that recap. That was hilarious.
D. J. Dan: Well you know Johnny… Johnny, angry Johnny, that’s right. We love the man.
Johnny: And I’m… right back at you son.
D. J. Dan: Johnny summaries everything for me actually, I’ve had… he summarizes the Old Testament for me, he can do it in actually less than 30 seconds, its spectacular.
Johnny: Not a big reader!
D. J. Dan: No, what you got for me Jeff? Let’s hear it.
Jeff: Um, well I wanted to know what you thought about the, ah, Valenzetti Equation? Do you think it’s real? If it is do you think we can avoid the end of the world?
D. J. Dan: You know what, I don’t know if we can avoid the end of the world, but I think this Equation is real and the fact is, I think it is about high time that the Hanso Foundation release their iron grip on Gary Troup’s book, and on the Equation itself. I think its very clear that if a single executive of the Hanso Foundation can be moved to mobilize, to destroy a third of the world’s population with a virus because of what this Equation has to say, then the only place where I’ll give Thomas Werner Mittelwerk any credit is to say that he believes it then maybe we should look at it and I think that’s the whole point of this entire thing. If this thing is real, if this thing exists, it should be out there. It should be seen by everybody. It shouldn’t just be something that a few fat cat Swedes or Danes or whatever the hell they are, are gonna hold onto, while we the rest of them wait for them to save our lives, that’s all I’m saying about that.
Jeff: Rock on.
D. J. Dan: Excellent. Thank you so much for your call, let’s take one more call, and then we’re gonna talk about something very near and dear to my heart before we take a break. Let’s take another call.
Tonya: Line 1.
D. J. Dan: Line 1!
Tonya: Nanny from New Jersey, again.
D. J. Dan: Nanny from New Jersey again, we’re very big in Jersey.
Johnny: Nanny?
D. J. Dan: Nanny, are you there?
(Sound of cricket chirping.)
D. J. Dan: Ah folks. Nanny. Did we make you wait too long? What happened?
Johnny: Past Nanny’s bedtime.
D. J. Dan: All right, let’s get another call. Let’s get another call. Who do we have?
Tonya: Line 15. Erica from New Jersey.
D. J. Dan: We are so huge in Jersey! If we were in Jersey it’d be spectacular. Sadly, we’re in California. Yes.
Tonya: Joysey.
Erika: Hi, am I on?
D. J. Dan: Yes you’re on. You’re on the air with D.J. Dan.
Erika: Oh wow. Hello!
D. J. Dan: And this is D.J. Dan.
Erika: Hi.
(Laugh)
Erika: Erm, so, when I was a…
D. J. Dan: Oh, OK you’re breaking up, can you kinda…
Johnny: Please deposit 25 cents.
(Studio laughter.)
D. J. Dan: O.K., let’s hear it again very slowly cause we’re having trouble hearing you, lets try that again O.K.
Erika: O.K. Can you hear me?
D. J. Dan: Yeah I can hear you great.
Erika: All right, when I was younger I was asked to take a test. And I was accepted into a program. And, now that I’m older, I’m wondering if I’ve been brainwashed.
D. J. Dan: Really now what are some of the signs that you’ve been brainwashed? Can you tell me? Do you speak in languages here-for-to unknown to you?
Erika: I don’t know but I’ve been having these weird dreams.
D. J. Dan: Yes, can you describe these dreams?
Johnny: In detail.
Erika: Well, ah, I would be, ah, running or, maybe on a computer. Or something…
D. J. Dan: Yes. Yes.
Erika: Really vague.
D. J. Dan: All right, all right, you know what? There’s something I wanna say to you, and listen to me very closely. Shutdown! Oh yeah, you know what folks, when I was younger, I took a test, right. And then I went to an academy, and then little green men trained me, and then I could shoot lightning bolts from my hand, and I don’t mean the dark side power lighting, no. I mean the light side pow.., power side lightning bolts called electric judgment O.K. That’s what I’m talking about. Jedi Dan! That’s who I am! O.K., folks…
Johnny: (Breathes like Darth Vader.)
D. J. Dan: I’ve had enough of this role-playing. Let’s have one more call, then there’s something I gotta talk about.
(Studio laughter)
Johnny: Oh, then!
Tonya: Line… (laughs). Line 7. Yashiva the Sword Master from Bar Harbor, Maine.
D. J. Dan: Ah Maine, home of many great Sword Master. Yashiva the Sword Master, are you on the line?
Yashiva: Yes I am on the line.
D. J. Dan: I see, will you draw weapons against me or will you speak to me placidly?
(Laughs)
Yashiva: I, ah, don’t really wanna duel today.
D. J. Dan: Excellent, we’re on the phone. It would be very cumbersome. What’s your question my friend, what you got to say to me?
Yashiva: I’m, I was just wondering, um, there’s a…
Johnny: Spit it out.
Yashiva: A… like through the Retrievers of Truth. There’s all these Lost fans who found out the password before the Hanso Foundation did. I’m wondering if there’s something going on with that, if like they found out if…
D. J. Dan: Well of course they found out the password, they’re super psychic dogs, they know everything. That’s the whole point, am I right?
(The Lost theme music plays.)
Yashiva: Well I’m wondering how ah…
D. J. Dan: Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead, ignore the sound effect. I know I do.
(Laughs)
Yoshiva: I don’t get it, its just all this…
D. J. Dan: O.K., O.K., first of all there’s one thing that you should know before we go any further, which is, shutdown!
(Studio laughter)
D. J. Dan: O.K., folks, guys. Retrievers of Truth, they’re supposedly psychic golden retrievers. They retrieve truth! If they’re talking about what they really are, then truth is being retrieved by these dogs. They’ll find it before we can do. Great TV series by the way, the “can do”. Folks, you know what, um? We’re gonna, we’re gonna have a song about the man and ah and then we’re gonna come back.
"The Loner" by Neil Young plays.
Intro music plays.
Johnny: You’re listening to Radio Harvest dot com. Music and more, anytime. Radio Harvest dot com. Your Internet radio provider. And now, coming to you live from an antenna on an island somewhere in the South Pacific, normally broadcasting a series of numbers, numbers so terrifying I won’t even go into it or say them out loud. It’s D.J. Dan! Shutting down the man!
D. J. Dan: Folks, I am shutting down the Man, that’s what I'm doing here. Now who's gonna be with us very soon? Rachel Blake, Persephone, ladies and gentlemen. The lady of the Experience, the so-called Experience. What they want you to think is an Experience instead of reality. But before talking about that, we're gonna talk about something very special here, something very interesting. That's right, announcer Johnny's bladder. Folks, I gotta tell you announcer Johnny...
Johnny: Don’t go there.
D.J. Dan: He’s been sitting here for over 15 hours preparing for this, he’s got his trigger finger ready, we're gonna catheterize the poor guy, I've never seen a look of agony on a human being like this. But folks! Before we go into that, and we will do it live, I'm gonna take a couple of phone calls, that's right, I'm gonna take a couple of phone calls here. Let's see what we've got going, Tonya? Who's on the line?
Tonya: Line 13, Tim from Rhode Island.
D.J. Dan: Tim from Rhode Island, line 13. Tim, are you on? Are you there, Tim? Tim, from Rhode Island? Earth to Road Island, RI.
Tonya: Timmy can you hear me?
(Sound of cricket chirping.)
D.J. Dan: Crickets, crickets O.K. Who do we have? Let’s hear another one.
Tonya: Ok. Tapdawg, Line 9, from Los Angeles.
D.J. Dan: Tapdawg! From Los Angeles (tapping desk) Oh, yes that's right. I'm feeling it. That's right, you can call me Slappy Ham Bone from now on. Tapdawg, you're on the air with DJ Dan, what you got?
(Dead air.)
D.J. Dan: Tapdawg what you got? You're on the air with D.J. Dan.
Johnny: Phone's not working.
D.J. Dan: Folks, it's terrible what's happening to our phones, I think it's the Hanso Foundation hacking our lines, if we don't get some phones up here were gonna have to go to Viewer Mail and how dull is that folks? I think you don't know how. Tonya, who else do we have?
Tonya: Line 14, Rance from Ohio.
D.J. Dan: Rance from Ohio on Line 14, Rance, are you there? Rance? You're on the air with Slappy Ham Bone.
Johnny: All of ‘em? Is it Slappy or Sloppy?
Dan: It's Slappy Ham Bone yes that’s my tap dance name. Rance, are you there? O.K., folks we're having some technical difficulties with our phone, we're gonna go to some Viewer Mail right now while we sort those out. Ok what do we have here; let's hear some Viewer Mail.
Tonya: From Mark, "Hey D.J. Dan."
D.J. Dan: Hey, Mark!
Tonya: "I was just wondering if you've gotten those powdered sugar-covered hands on a Golden Oracle Apollo bar, and do you still think that they're nanite-infested, now that we know that they're coming from one of our friends, Rachel Blake?"
(D.J. Dan whistles.)
D.J. Dan: Well, you know what? I would, I would not touch, I would not eat an Apollo bar with your mouth. O.K. folks, that’s what I'm saying, all right. These things are chock full of stuff, stuff I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy's dog, all right. Golden Oracle or not, O.K., just because my friend and yours, Rachel Blake, pulled a Wonka on this thing, does not mean you should be touching the stuff. We're talking nanites! Were talking a black swarming cloud of nanites! No wait! We're not! If were not talking about anything, it's a black swarming cloud of nanites! Do you all hear me! Johnny, do you hear me?
Johnny: Hear you.
D.J. Dan: Tonya, do you hear me?
Johnny: Impossible not to.
Tonya: Loud and clear.
D.J. Dan: All right! Marvin the Earthling, do you hear me?
Marvin: What?
D.J. Dan: Never mind.
Tonya: (Laughter)
D.J. Dan: There’s not a dark cloud of nanites, in anything, anywhere that I’m talking about! Tonya, give me another reader mail. What have we got going on?
Tonya: Juliana.
D.J. Dan: Juliana.
Tonya: "Hey Dan!"
D.J. Dan: Hey Juliana!
Tonya: "What do you think of William T. Ker, Kilpatrick’s disappearance and possible murder?"
D.J. Dan: All right, you know what, this is one where I gotta, I gotta defer to the wisdom of Marvin the Earthling on this one. Marvin, what's this all about?
Marvin: Ola.
D.J. Dan: Yes, what are we talking about there?
Marvin: Uh, William T. Kilpatrick was involved with, um, Jeep, in the, whole Compass fiasco...
D.J. Dan: Oh, you mean about how The Hanso Foundation...
Marvin: Organs, and, uh, basically, The Hanso Foundation bought all these Jeeps and the outfitted them for evil and what not, and driving across the countries and shipping organs and guts and brains.
D.J. Dan: So, Jeeps are now evil raiders, not just trail blazers...
Marvin: Basically William Kilpatrick was kidnapped and, um, it was horrible and basically uh, Rachel...
D.J. Dan: Uh, where was he kidnapped?
Marvin: Uh, he was sort of, um, perhaps making a public appearance of some sort...
D.J. Dan: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. This guy was talking to Rachel Blake... ?
Marvin: No, no, he wasn't talking to Rachel Blake at the time, he was just, he...
D.J. Dan: But he talks to Rachel Blake right?
Marvin: Yeah, sure.
D.J. Dan: And he made a public appearance and then he went...Folks! I'm making a public appearance and I talk to Rachel Blake. Oh my god! This is the worst thing that's ever happened! I'm making... all right look, folks, if you're talking to Rachel Blake, don't be like me, don't be like Billy! O.K., don't make public appearances! If you’re fighting the Man, you don't make public appearances! My god! O.K. when Madonna comes on, on that crucifix, is Rachel Blake hammering in the nails? No, she’s not! Of course not! You know why? Because she’s running away from the man! All right. Don’t ma… I’m making a public appearance right now! They’re gonna come and take me away! They know where I am don't they! They were here the last time! (Knocking on table.) If Tonya hadn't been a master of Jujitsu, we would have never gotten out of that. Folks, O.K., do we have the lines on? Do we have phones? All right let's take some calls; let's hear some calls.
Tonya: Line 14, Stephanie from Ohio.
D.J. Dan: All right, Stephanie from Ohio, Steph what you got for me?
(Dead air.)
D.J. Dan: Oh for the love of sweet God, people, where are my phones? You know what, speaking of doughnuts (laughing), speaking of doughnuts, um...
Tonya: We were?
Johnny: Doughnut of the Day.
D.J. Dan: Yes that’s right, oh, speaking of that I have to tell you, it's the point of the show where I'm feeling the dip of my energy reserves, contraction of the mitochondria. And that means it's time to bring out the old brown bag of delights and unleash the Doughnut of the Day! That's right, the Doughnut of the Day has been specially made by my wife, she said I'd love it, she said she wrote me a special note with it and today's doughnut is...
(Shuffling a paper bag)
D.J. Dan: Uh, a low-carb bagel.
Johnny: A low-carb bagel.
D.J. Dan: With fat-free cream cheese!
Tonya: (Laughter.)
D.J. Dan: This is not funny! This is a viola… This is a mutilation!
Johnny: Kinda funny.
Tonya: And what does the note say?
D.J. Dan: It says, and I quote, "I dreamt you died last night. I'm pretty sure I don't want that to happen yet, enjoy".
(Studio laughter)
D.J. Dan: Ah, my sweet wife, always with the veiled threats, which brings me to a little segment I like to call...
Johnny: (Heart thumping sound) The Threat Call of the Day!
D.J. Dan: You see folks, if you're like me, if you're poking your nose into the shadows to sniff out evil where it lives, chances are that schnozz of yours is gonna come back with a couple of extra holes in it. Now, you might think that that might deter a man such as me, you might think I might have headed for a higher ground or a greater pasture or something, but then you'd be flat out wrong, but as you know I’ve been recently locking horns with a little organization know as...
Johnny: (Sinister music plays) The Hanso Foundation!
D.J. Dan: That’s right they're weird, they're creepy, they're all together spooky (Snap snap). That's right, folks, they have a fondness for mint green lab coats but when it comes to threat calls, they're the metaphorical equivalent to a bowl of overcooked lo mien, which is why Johnny and I like to do a little interpretive sketch of our own threat calls. That's right, folks, just to keep things lively. Shall we try a few out?
Johnny: Yes D.J. Dan, but before we start I've been asked to say (clears throat). Today's Threat Call is brought to you by Widmore Construction. "We can crush you under an I-beam and say it was an accident! Don't worry, we're insured."
Tonya: Who asked you to say that?
Johnny: Um, did I tell you I finally… I’m going to be able to be putting that addition onto my house. It's really a pool!
D.J. Dan: O.K, O.K., O.K., Johnny, middle of page six. Will ya? Come on, threat me up.
Johnny: (Miscellaneous paper shuffling.) Middle of page six, ah. "That's right, D.J. Dan, you'll come home to find your chestnuts roasting over an open fire, and by chestnuts I don't mean chestnuts at all, what I really mean when I say chestnuts is that I'm going to take your..."
D.J. Dan: Shutdown! I think it’s a little bit too early in the year. It’s a little bit too seasonal; uh, page 24, from the top.
Johnny: (Clears throat) Page 24, from the top, uh, you want me to sing?
D.J. Dan: Oh, do I ever.
Tonya: Oh no.
Johnny: Exactly, you've heard me sing, haven't you Tonya? O.K. (clears throat and sings to the tune of “My Favorite Things”)”Razors and Blazers, and nails on mittens, a safe falls on Tonya, I drowned all your kittens...”
D.J. Dan: O.K., that's enough.
Johnny: (Still singing) “…Brown paper wrappers filled up with your spleens...”
D.J. Dan: O.K.! O.K.! O.K.! What is it with the threat calls? My god! Dear lord, it's a Von Trapp nightmare! (Shutdown sound) This could be a good one, page 12; start at the bottom.
Johnny: Page 12; start at the bottom, O.K. (clears throat) “Not only that, but I bought my V12 SUV outside of California, that's right, relaxed emission standards and I'm driving it more than ever, D.J. Dan, which means maybe, someday soon, you're facing a one degree rise in ocean temperature and when that happens, the ice caps will melt, the seas will rise, rendering your bluff top home ocean-front property, rendering it worthless!”
D.J. Dan: Come on, come on, when did Al Gore join the writing staff?
Johnny: Exactly.
Tonya: We have our own writing staff?
Dan: You know what, another crack, another dollar, Tonya. O.K. you know what, you know what, I, I, folks, there you have it, Threat Call of the Day!
Johnny: Wait, Wait.
D.J. Dan: Oh, you want to do the other threat call?
Johnny: Yeah.
D.J. Dan: I think some of our callers might wanna hear some D.J. Dan talking and actually get them on the line, but you know what, since your so pleased with this, Johnny, let's do the last threat call.
Johnny: (Laughing)
D.J. Dan: We were gonna drop it, but you can hear it now, give it to me!
Johnny: (Clears throat) “Uh, I just wanted to call in and say I'm your biggest fan and I hope you continue on in your radiant health with no falls down the stairs, or unexpected trips to the emergency room.”
Tonya: Dan, this guy is weird.
D.J. Dan: He's freaking me out.
Johnny: “I find your opinions stimulating and I encourage you to continue digging into the potentially criminal activities of The Hanso Organization.”
D.J. Dan: Uh huh. Strange isn't it? It seems like a threat call but it sounds just like the opposite.
Johnny: (With cynicism) “Wow, wonder why? I'm pretty sure it's not opposite day. Oh well, bye now D.J. Dan. Have a great night and by all means don't worry about the bag of death stalker scorpions I didn't leave under the driver's seat of your Green Jeep Compass. You have not been warned, D.J. Dan.”
D.J. Dan: Well, folks, under great duress, there you have it, the Threat Call of the Day!
Johnny: We might have… should have killed that letter.
D.J. Dan: I think we should have killed that bit, absolutely. But, you know what? Now the thing I wanna ask is, and I'm directing this to our engineers here, but if I get a call will I be able to get in on the line? Folks, we are praying here, we are praying. Praying for a call.
Johnny: Test call of the night.
D.J. Dan: Now, we're gonna test. We had some calls, this is our test call. Who do we have on the line?
Tonya: Line 15, Mr. Frosty, Toronto.
D.J. Dan: Mr. Frosty from Toronto, you are on the air with D.J. Dan.
(Silence, then sound of toilet flushing.)
Tonya: Oh no.
D.J. Dan: Mr. Frosty, are you there?
Tonya: Yeah? We hear something...
D.J. Dan: Yes, Mr. Frosty. I'm not hearing a damn thing. Folks, I don't know what’s going on with our calls, so I gotta tell you it's...
(Taps plays.)
Johnny: Ah, phone line is dead.
D.J. Dan: What happened? Guys, just keep calling in, we'll try and get to you. I really want to take these calls.
Tonya: I told you we had to pay the phone bill.
D.J. Dan: That's right, or perhaps it's my arch nemesis...
Johnny: (laughing) Oh, no, your just trying...
D.J. Dan: Folks, perhaps it's someone evil, somebody who wants me dead, my arch nemesis...
Johnny: (Sinister music plays.) The Hanso Foundation. Ha, ha!
D.J. Dan: All of this, all of this inability to take calls. Folks, were gonna try to make this up to you a little bit later. We’ve got a little more time before Rachel Blake calls us. You know what? Um, let's see, you know what, should we even try to get another call? Is this gonna happen for us? O.K., folks, you know what, I think we're gonna go to a song and try to work out our differences here. And then were going to take your calls. Let’s hit it!
"Take a Bow" by Muse plays.
Intro music plays.
Singing: D.J. Dan
Johnny: Coming to you live from the secret CIA prison under your local high school football field, it's D.J. Dan, Shutting down the Man! Supero Dupero Editione Especial!
D.J. Dan: Supero Dupero Editione Especial? Is that Italian? Is that Spanglish, what the heck is that?
Johnny: It’s Scriptese, it was written right here for me.
D.J. Dan: Oh my god! We're gonna have to talk to our staff about that. Folks, you know what, I've opened up a special phone line for Rachel Blake should and when she choose to call. I have it on good authority she's gonna be with us in a few minutes, but you know what, I'm gonna take some more of your calls because I think it's an important thing. I think it's something we need to be doing.
Tonya: Line 14, Speaker.
Johnny: Tonya, speaking on the announcer mic.
D.J. Dan: A little announcer...
Johnny: Tonya, the announcer.
D.J. Dan: Speaker, you're on live with D.J. Dan. On live with D.J. Dan.
(Dead air.)
Johnny: No, Speaker wouldn't hang up on us.
D.J. Dan: No, Speaker wouldn't hang up. Speaker is good! You know, even though Speaker is a little bit too close with that Javier Grillo-Marxuach guy...
(Not)Speaker: Hello?
Johnny: There’s Speaker. My MySpace friend.
D.J. Dan: Yeah! Wow, we got, we got, we got sound! Can I get a witness!
Johnny: Witness.
D.J. Dan: All right. Speaker, what do you got to say to me?
(Not)Speaker: Hello?
D.J. Dan: Yes? We tried like eight calls; you’re the first one to get through! I wanna talk!
(Not)Speaker: The island that we learned about, on the Sri-Lanka video, that Rachel helped us put together, well, Charles Widmore, who, um, helped Hanso, is he, uh, part of this? Is it possible that maybe he has a twin who he sent to the island? And his twin is maybe John Locke?
D.J. Dan: First of all, you don't sound like Speaker. And I know Speaker, and you don’t sound like him, he doesn't usually talk about conspiracies like that, he sounds like a fake conspiracy Speaker.
Johnny: Just like a fake Rachel Blake.
D.J. Dan: That's right. We've been getting fake Rachel Blakes all night, my friend. Is this the real Speaker or not?
(Not)Speaker: Yes.
D.J. Dan: I can say this to the real Speaker. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I hope it is! Because I'm going to be talking to you later, O.K.? I don’t think Widmore has an evil twin. What? Do you think he has a bad twin? Is that what we think? Dude, listen, O.K., people have good twins, bad twins, the whole thing, and that doesn't mean that every time there's some fictional manifestation of something there's gotta be a bad twin! That's what I'm talking about. You know what, “Speaker”, I'm not gonna shut you down, I'm just going to say, thank you for the call.
(Not)Speaker: Thank you.
D. J. Dan: Let's get another call in here.
Tonya: Line 7, Mike, from Tucson, Arizona.
D.J. Dan: Mike from Tucson, Line 7.
Mike: Yeah, it's me, ah, I was just wondering, ah, is Rachel Blake really Alvar Hanso's daughter?
D.J. Dan: I have uh, no idea, I mean I, uh. That's very interesting... do you think that she is Alvar Hanso's daughter? What do you think about that? Let's pretend that I don't know all the answers, for a second. What basis do you have, in terms of reality, A.K.A. "The Lost Experience" to say that? What makes you think that she is Alvar Hanso's daughter?
Mike: Uh, I really have no clue, I've just been reading blogs and stuff.
D.J. Dan: Well, yeah, but I mean, surely, there mus…Does she sound Danish to you?
Mike: What?
D.J. Dan: Is there something Danish about her presentation that makes you think, “Oh my God, I'm talking to Alvar Hanso's daughter?”
Mike: Uh, not really.
D.J. Dan: So it's purely just your experience with blogs, right?
Mike: Yep, pretty much.
D.J. Dan: All right, I'm gonna have to shut you down. Shut down! Folks! If you're calling to tell me somebody is something, then you'd better know why that, that somebody is who they say they is, am I right?
Johnny: (Laughing) Yeah, yeah, whatever you said.
D.J. Dan: You know what? You know what, I think it should be “Talk Like James Hetfield Day.” Today, today's the day when everything should call me and be like "H-zzaaaahhh". That's right, that's right, a little Metallica there for you, folks. Let's take another call. Let's take another call. I, uh, is Rachel Blake on the other line? You know, I, I, I would really like to get that phone line open for her. Let's take another call. Who do we have here?
Tonya: Line 5, Lost in Pennsylvania.
D.J. Dan: Right, how can you get lost in Pennsylvania? The Turnpike is so prevalent. Lost in Pennsylvania, are you there?
(Dead air.)
D.J. Dan: Lost in Pennsylvania...? Lost in Pennsylvania...? We've lost Lost ... Let's get ‘em on another line.
Tonya: Line 10, Derek from Evansville, Indiana.
D.J. Dan: Derek from Evansville, are you there?
Derek: Yeah, this is me.
D.J. Dan: Oh, O.K., it's me! Excellent, I thought it was Derek, but it turns out it was me! Well, thank god, I always wanted to talk to me!
Derek: Well, I had a question, because it turns out, on the Hanso Foundation website, with the world map, the secrets that you put in to get the next video, there's a secret area you can click that says "She was a member of the Foundation". Do you happen to know who that was?
D.J. Dan: Uh, I don't know, you know what? I'm going to go to Marvin the Earthling, my connection for all things dealing with "reality" to tell us a little bit about this. Marvin? You're Marvin the Earthling, now what, what do we know about all this?
Marvin: I have no idea what the question was because I was under the table and…
D.J. Dan: So, I'm very afraid of things myself.
Johnny: I can vouch for that answer.
Marvin: Please repeat the question, sir
D.J. Dan: Please repeat the question.
Derek: On the Foundation website where you put the statistics about the different countries for the video, there's a secret area… uh, go ahead.
D.J. Dan: No, no, you continue.
Derek: Well, there's a secret area and you can click on, and it says text backwards. And if you turn it in the mirror, it would say that she was a member of the Foundation. You happen to think that that was possibly like Rachel Blake or something?
Marvin: Rachel… O.K., for Starters, uh, hummmmm. For starters, Rachel Blake worked for Widmore, O.K. Do you really think she worked for the Hanso Foundation? She said herself, she worked for Widmore. Did She Not? Did she not!?
D.J. Dan: Did she not?
(Screaming and yelling in the studio.)
D. J. Dan: Have you ever worked in a forward area, son?
Marvin: I'm sorry, look, I don't want to get upset with you, but…
(Sound of heavy breathing).
D. J. Dan: Marvin, Marvin, Marvin, I think you have to go back under the table.
(More screaming, yelling and heavy breathing)
D. J. Dan: O.K. someone needs to take Marvin Down.
Marvin: Wahoo! (Echo)
D. J. Dan: You know what, you know what, I'm going to have to shut you down. Shut down!
Derrick: Oh, Shut down.
D. J. Dan: Folks, Folks, O.K. Oh my god. Is that the special red…? I think the special red light is on ladies and gentleman. That can only mean one thing
(Horn blares).
D. J. Dan: That's the line I set up, folks. Folks, we've talked about her… We've fought for her and we've yearned for her. And we've dream about her; oh, sweet candle-lit dreams. And without further adieu, the guest that makes this Shutting Down the Man special edition.
Johnny: The D.J. Dan interview with Rachel Blake.
D. J. Dan: That's right; it's Rachel Blake she's on the line, folks, Rachel, what's the haps?
Rachel: Not much, just running with the wedding plans. You have told your wife? Haven't you, Dan?
D. J. Dan: Oh, that wed... Honey, if you're listening, this girl's crazy. She's a crackup. I've been saying it from the beginning. Don't believe a word she says.
Rachel: Don't tell me you're backing out.
D. J. Dan: Backing Out? Did I ever front in? You have to be in to be out?
Rachel: Hmm, let's see? And I quote, “I'd like to get to know her, if you know what I mean.” You said that on your last show and tonight. What else? Oh yeah, “She's the light of my life. My PYT, my bride to be.” Sound familiar Dan?
D. J. Dan: Not a word. It's lies, lies, lies. I said… I never said a single one of those.
Rachel: Oh wait and how about, "candle-lit dreams"
D. J. Dan: Hey, low blow. I never said that; well not until like a minute ago. Rachel, I'm so sorry, a thousand apologies. You know I'm a liberal man and I use my words liberally.
Rachel: Well, you should be careful what you say to a girl, Dan. A mellifluous golden voice like yours, she might just take your words to heart.
D. J. Dan: Oh, Rachel. She… folks, this is why I can't help but profess my undying love.
Rachel: And I won't even mention the fact that you're old enough to be my father.
D. J. Dan: Oh, shut down, shut down. Oh, god, always gotta push the buttons, don't ya Blake? But in all seriousness, Rachel, we're thrilled to have you on the show and, and we're even more thrilled you're alive and well.
Rachel: Yes well, I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be alive.
D. J. Dan: Should we get down to it? Are you ready for the Barbara Walters?
Rachel: Um, I'm as ready as I'll ever be?
D. J. Dan: 'Cause I've got questions Rachel, a lot of questions, a lot of topics, you've got a ton of supporters, and a ton of doubters.
Rachel: Really? I hadn’t noticed.
D. J. Dan: So let's start it off with an easy one. We know you're calling from an undisclosed location.
Rachel: Uh huh.
D. J. Dan: Honestly, where the heck are you?
Rachel: Where am I right now or where was I five minutes ago?
D. J. Dan: Are you saying you're mobile; you're on a cell phone?
Rachel: I'm saying have you ever been chased through 8 countries in 12 days?
D. J. Dan: 8 countries in 12 days, No. I mean, 8 doughnut shops in 12 minutes, yeah. And which of these countries are you in right now?
Rachel: Um, to be honest, I'm not 100% sure.
D. J. Dan: Is… Is it one of the Stans?
Rachel: I don't know. Geography isn't one of my strong suits. I think a lot of your listeners would agree with that.
D. J. Dan: Are you referring to the map incident, Rachel?
Rachel: Could be.
D. J. Dan: Folks, for those of you who don't know, while she was tracking down the evil doctor Thomas Werner Mittelwerk, The nefarious Spider Protocol, Rachel made a little tiny mistake.
Rachel: Oh, try capitol offence!
D. J. Dan: She mistook a set of maps depicting 3 or 4 islands to be a set of places on one island. An island near the equator.
Rachel: Hey Dan, Last time I checked, Sri-Lanka was an island near the equator. So, I was partly right.
D. J. Dan: But you were also partly wrong.
Rachel: I know, trust me, I know.
D. J. Dan: O.K. now, some of your supporters went bat guano crazy on you for it, didn't they?
Rachel: That's one way of saying it I guess.
D. J. Dan: Well I guess the question on everyone's mind is this, how could she be so good at the hacking, at the Persephone stuff, and so not good at the real world Sidney Brisco, James Bond, Mission Impossible stuff?
Rachel: Ouch, um. Jeez, I don't know. It could be that I've spent that last 10 years of my life with my eyes glued to the computer monitor at my mom's house, and then the computer monitor in my dorm room, and then I had this really, really hellish terrorist badass computer in the basement of the Widmore Corporation Building. Seriously, it was badass.
D. J. Dan: You're referring to all your, ah, computer hacker training of course?
Rachel: I'm referring to the fact that I'm a geek. I mean Ren Faire Geek, not so much, but pissed off that I couldn't actually see Comic Con Geek, yeah I was, you bet.
D. J. Dan: So… so to refute some of the theories floating around about you, you weren't genetically engineered by Hanso to make some kind of super spy sleeper agent, am I right?
Rachel: Um, I'm going to have to go with a no on that one. I think you know that compiling flash does not necessarily equate to street smarts, D.J. Dan. If it did, I think most of the guys taking shots on me on a Friday night at midnight would probably be out with their girlfriends. You know who you are… (Quietly) Matt the Pale.
D. J. Dan: Oh, ho, ho, ho. Rachel Blake shooting fireballs at one of our favorite chroniclers takes it in the groin!
Rachel: Hey, I'm honest.
D. J. Dan: O.K. O.K. So, where did you learn to hack? How did you become this socially awkward comic book geek you are today?
Rachel: Uh, my mother was sick, the doctors were lying and I wanted her records.
D. J. Dan: Simple as that?
Rachel: Yeah.
D. J. Dan: Kinda vague.
Rachel: Ask me another question.
D. J. Dan: Oh, come on, what about that woman?
Rachel: No, Ask me another question.
D. J. Dan: No, all right, what do you think about Lost?
Rachel: It's not on my TiVo.
D. J. Dan: It's because of your orientation film, right.
Rachel: Um, no comment?
D. J. Dan: O.K., does Carlton Cuse really disgust you?
Rachel: It's become more complicated than that. What happened in Norway complicated things.
D. J. Dan: O.K., O.K., what happened in Norway?
Rachel: (Quietly) Um, not yet, O.K.?
D. J. Dan: O.K., O.K., let's move on. How about what happened at Comic Con? After you condemned the Lost panel, you said a lot of things. A lot of incendiary things to those people. How did you get out of there by the way?
Rachel: The same way I got a hold of that mic. I bribed the right people before hand. There was a panel truck waiting for me backstage at the convention center out at the loading dock. I knew Hanso's hit squad would be there and I was right. I lost 'em once I crossed the border into Mexico. But, I still spent 3 days on the beach in Fiero Negro just to make sure the trail went cold. But, I'm sorry, what did you say?
D. J. Dan: Well, yeah, after your Comic Con blow up, the very panel of Lost producers and actors they were photographed signing autographs, right? And they were wearing these hieroglyph armbands, all right? Your hieroglyphic wristbands with the codes to hansoexposed.com. Which side are those guys really on, Rachel?
Rachel: The truth, I don't know anymore. Look, I had an insider at the lost camp; he's the one that helped me. The wristbands were his idea. I don't think… I don't even know if the producers had any idea what those glyphs represented until later on.
D. J. Dan: O.K. so can you tell us who this “white knight” was?
Rachel: Ha, Ha. No.
D. J. Dan: Oh, come on, give us a hint at least and tell us something?
Rachel: Uh, O.K.. Well, how bout... O.K., in all the nations in all the world no one is as great as this guy.
Johnny: In all the natio...
D. J. Dan: Folks, folks, folks, folks, you guys figure that one out. All right, all right, so, so, so, so Rachel wait, so, so, so these glyphs for this video, they represent pieces of this video you shot in Sri-Lanka, the video outing Mittelwerk's plot to kill us all.
Rachel: You mean save us all by killing 30% of us? Did that bother you, too?
D. J. Dan: Yeah, just a little, Rachel.
Rachel: Yeah, think so. “Reaching out to a Better Tomorrow,” right?
D. J. Dan: So, so you went on the run with this De Zylva dude, we know the Hanso squad is on your butt, but why, oh why, did you have to break the thing up into so many damn pieces?
Johnny: My relationship suffered.
Rachel: I'm sorry Johnny, by the way I really enjoyed your recap.
Johnny: Oh, you've got great taste and you really inspire me.
Rachel: Ha, thanks.
D. J. Dan: Rachel, what happened? Why did you break it up like that?
Rachel: Well, I didn't want to break it up like that. It wasn't really a choice. You know, people have died helping me. Zander, Darla, De Zylva, I had to do my best to protect the truth of what Mittlewerk was doing but if I had sent it to one person or a group of people or put it on a website, I knew that with what was in this video, I just couldn't risk people's lives like that. And I thought that if I put this all out at once, are people actually going to believe it. Are they going to believe me, I mean it's pretty mad scientist kinda stuff. I wanted to get people talking. I wanted to get this frustrated… Bottom line? I wanted everyone watching.
D. J. Dan: Just like with the Apollo bars, right?
Rachel: Yeah, exactly.
D. J. Dan: Now, How did you pull that off exactly?
Rachel: Oh, I'll never tell.
D. J. Dan: Okay Rach. We've warmed up, we're loose, we've viben', now it's time to get to the real stuff. Not the hows, but the whys, Rachel, the whys. We all know, there's a difference between wanting to save the world and actually throwing everything you have out the window and risking your life to doing it. Most people don't have that in then, the people that do, they join the Peace Corps, they become missionaries, some like me they join the military which was in hindsight a mistake, but, but you went off and did this crazy global, global hacking thing, I mean Rachel what you've done is amazing. Why did you do it?
Rachel: Uh, I could tell you, but I don't know that you’d would believe me.
D. J. Dan: I wouldn't believe you? Why would a Conspirispy D.J…. Conspirispy audience not believe you, Rachel? You're like the Conspirispy of the year!
Rachel: Thank you.
D. J. Dan: Come on Rachel, come clean. Tell us why? Is Mittlewerk really your crazy uncle? Is Joop your long lost pet monkey? Are you related to Alvar Hanso? People want to know. I'm getting calls, what happened in Norway?
Rachel: Um, when I went to Noray.. Norway. Sorry. I knew the only way this would ever be done, the only way anyone would believe this was real was for me to get it on tape, and for me to get that tape to the authorities, which I did at the beginning of this week.
Tanya: Uh, D.J. Dan?
D. J. Dan: Oh god, Tanya, great jumping Jehoshaphat Tanya, you scared the bleeping bucky-balls out of me. Rachel, Rachel, please go on I need to hear this.
Tanya: Wait, Dan. Rachel, I'm sorry,
D. J. Dan: What are you doing Tanya, what's going on.
Tanya: I've got someone on the line. You can't believe what this guy is saying. You have to take this call right now.
D. J. Dan: If this is another one of these threat calls, Tanya.
Tanya: Dan, take the call!
D. J. Dan: Rachel, hold that thought. Caller you're on shutting down the man and if this ain't good I'm shutting you down to Chinatown.
Johnny: My sister, my daughter.
D. J. Dan: Yeah, great, great, caller? Go ahead.
James: Hi, D. J. Dan. My name is James. I’ll get right to the point. My friend and I, we have this little global network going on where we enjoy eavesdropping on all kinds of signals; civilian, corporate, scientific, military…
D. J. Dan: Yeah, yeah, James I’m with ya, I’m with ya.
James: And right now at this very moment. Excuse me (clears throat) we are listening to… (Aside: yep, hold on!) We are listening to an encoded highly secure government frequency. I don’t know if its police or military but if you’ll allow me I want to patch you through.
D.J. Dan: You want to patch us through?
James: You and Miss Blake and the rest of your conspiraspies have to hear this.
D. J. Dan: All right?!? Go ahead patch it through right now.
James: O.K. Hold on one second…
(Sound of radio transmissions…)
Alpha Leader: Report
Zulu Team: Zulu in position. Disable lift control?
Bravo Team: Bravo, front lobby secure.
Alpha Leader: You have visual on target?
Bravo Team: Yes sir, tenth floor!
Alpha Leader: Is that confirmed?
Bravo Team: It’s a white coat and black ponytail.
Alpha Leader: Lunatics and their hair! Boy!
Bravo Team: Ninth floor now.
Alpha Leader: Confirmed tenth floor.
Bravo Team: Look’s like we’ve got a staircase between lab levels 9 and 10.
Alpha Leader: Personnel count on nine?
Bravo Team: We count three. No, four.
Alpha Leader: Armed?
Bravo Team: I’m sure! Target moving towards the elevators!
Alpha Leader: Bravo, we’re moving!
Bravo Team: We’ve been made!
Alpha Leader: Zulu, cut power.
Zulu Team: Cutting
Bravo Team: Alpha, go! Go! Go!
Alpha Leader: Bravo take nine I’ve got ten.
Zulu Team: Power cut.
Bravo Team: Then why are we seeing lights?
Alpha Leader: They’ve got auxiliary
Bravo Team: Freeze!!
(Sounds of automatic machine gun fire and shouting)
Voices throughout: Freeze, get down, freeze!
Bravo Team: Behind you, behind you.
Alpha Leader: I see him, south corridor.
Bravo Team: Nine clear. I’ve got him cornered in an office. He’s barricaded.
D.J. Dan (in background): Who do they have barricaded?
Alpha Leader: We need a ram.
(Sound of door being broken down.)
Alpha Leader: Hands behind your back, knees to the floor.
Zulu Team: We’ve got him.
Bravo Team: No that’s not Mittelwerk. He’s a look alike. Repeat, our target’s still loose.
Zulu Team: Where is he?
Voice of Mittelwerk: Gentlemen, I’m sorry to have to do this…
Bravo Team: We’ve got a radio over here.
Voice of Mittelwerk: I can’t have my work compromised. You should run!
Bravo Team: The place is wired. Go! Go!
(Sound of people running…)
Voice of Mittelwerk: Namaste!
(Sound of large explosion and then radio silence…)
D. J. Dan: Oh, oh my, my, my god.
Rachel: Oh my god.
D. J. Dan: Rachel, that was the authorities! They were at The Hanso Foundation. That sounded like Thomas Werner Mittlewerk.
Rachel: Yeah.
D. J. Dan: Oh my god! Rachel, is this because of the video you shot? Is this because... Oh my god. Rachel. The world needs to know what's going on here. You need to tell us what's happening.
Rachel: O.K., if you want to know the whole truth, you will go to ABC.com in five minutes. It's all there everything...
D. J. Dan: We're gonna get them Rachel. Mittlewerk… Folks this is incredible. Mittlewerk appears to have escaped from a raid trying to find him, he's blown up the Hanso Foundation Building, Rachel we're going to get this guy, thanks to you right?
Rachel: Yeah, thank you, I gotta go! Bye!
(Screaming)
D. J. Dan: Don't… Folks, this is amazing. We were in there! We were listening to the raid on the Hanso Foundation. I don't know how many soldiers, police officers, Interpol. Folks, I, uh, uh don’t know what was going on there but you have got to go to ABC.com. Rachel has some very important information that she has to impart on you folks and this is just spectacular. I've never seen the like a live raid on the Hanso Foundation, this is beyond even I and Conspirispies could ever imagine. Um, you know I think you all should go to ABC.com. I'm gonna sign off. We're going to go off the air, folks, because right now it's just time for the truth and I think you all need to go there to check it out. So folks, this is D.J. Dan Shutting Down the Man. Johnny, give us something out.
Outro music.
Johnny: You've been listening to the D.J. Dan show, Shutting Down the Man on Radio Harvest dot com. Music, More, Any Time. Your internet radio provider Radio Harvest dot com.
D. J. Dan: ABC.com. Go there for the truth.
Johnny: Tune in now.
(Sound of talking in the studio…clapping…)
(Fade to song…)
Running length: approximately 1 hour 38 minutes
Prior to the D. J. Dan live broadcast the following messages were aired:
Announcer: This is Radio Harvest dot com. D. J. Dan is coming up. We’re just working out a few technical things. But, ah, he will be here.
Later…
Announcer: We still have a few things to set up and have a few technical things to work out but we are, ah, just moments away so just sit tight and listen to more music and we’ll be with you very shortly.
Transcript:
D. J. Dan intro music plays.
Singing: D. J. Dan
Johnny: Coming to you live from the final prediction of Nostradamus… it's D.J. Dan, shutting down the man.
D.J. Dan: Not just shutting down the man, Johnny
Johnny: Yes?
D.J. Dan: I said, not just shutting down the man...
Johnny: I heard you the first time, D.J. Dan. Uh, why are you staring at me? Okay, fine. Music please? Coming to you live...
Singing: D. J. Dan.
Johnny: From the prediction predicted to follow the final prediction of Nostradamus… It's D.J. Dan, shutting down THE man. Special Edition!
D. J. Dan: That's right Tonya, special edition. I'm feeling special!
Johnny: Special.
D.J. Dan: I’m feelin’ like I'm drinking lemonade on a Slip ‘n Slide through one of those twisty straws they had when you were a kid. Tonya?
Tonya: And you were in your thirties.
D.J. Dan: Oh, ho, ho… Tonya, that was a freebie Ton', next crack's gonna come out of your check.
Tonya: Ha, I get a check?
Johnny: Ha, ha ha!
D.J. Dan: Oh, Tonya. You know the straws I'm talking about Tonya, the ones that wrap around you like sunglasses, cooling and refreshing you even before your drink reaches your parched palette, and makes you wanna SING!
Tonya: Oh Lord.
D.J. Dan: I said, makes you wanna sing in your mellifluous, flowing baritone voice.
Johnny: Not good.
D.J. Dan: Alright alright alright, maybe the soothing sounds of my golden voice aren't what the people need right now, after all, I'm here to incite! Can I have an amen?
All: Amen!
D.J. Dan: Can I get a witness?
Someone: Yeehee!
D.J. Dan: Back to topic...
Johnny: Witness.
D.J. Dan: I know you're all wondering, what makes tonight's show so special? What could it be? Tonya, do you have a guess?
Tonya: Uh, Pluto's demotion to dwarf planet?
D.J. Dan: Tonya, enough with the dwarf planet stuff, I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, it's a conspiracy, wrapped in a hoax, perpetuated by the man. Anyone worth his frozen sea salt knows that Pluto is neither a planet, a Dwarf Planet, or a little planet or a gnome planet. It's a sentry base station conveniently dropped into orbit by the Procleons from Alpha Centauri. And Lords of Kobald help us; when that power coupling between said base station and the so-called "Moon" is repaired and the Prosleons spot our juicy blue backyard...ha ha ha. But once again, could you possibly guess what kind of special guest would make the show so very special?
Tonya: Uh, Ralph Macchio time warped in from 1984.
D.J. Dan: Wrong! Johnny, sweep the leg. Conspiraspies, many of you already know, but for those of you who don't, we have Rachel Blake, I'll say it again, Rachel Blake, no, Johnny's gonna say it, Johnny…
Johnny: Rachel Blake! Ah, Persephone.
Dan: Ah, Persephone. Conspiraspy of the year, a hacker extraordinaire, videographer of vigilance, the painter of life, no wait, that's Thomas Kinkade...
Johnny and Tonya: Laughing in background.
D.J. Dan: Uh, the light of my life, my PYT, my bride-to-be, a crusader against the unspeakable evils of my arch nemesis...
Johnny: (Sinister music) The Hanso Foundation.
D. J. Dan: Rachel Blake folks. I don't know where she is but she'll be here live tonight to answer the questions we've been dying to ask. Questions like "What is the deal with Alvar Hanso's beard?" Are those stylish hair follicles in fact made of weapons grade plutonium? Only Rachel knows. She's gonna be calling in later tonight. I don't know when, stay tuned, right here on RadioHarvest.com. I can't wait. But, why don't we go ahead and start off the show with a little segment that I like to call...
Johnny: Conspiraspies in the news.
Sound of ticker-tape news machine…
D.J. Dan: Ahhh, yes. Tonya, can I have the first headline please?
Tonya: Bo- Bogorrah: Leprechaun theme park for Jackson.
Johnny: Aye, Bagorrah.
Tonya: Ha, looks like Michael Jackson has taken a liking to the wee folk of Ireland. The Thriller singer who left the U.S. for the Mid-East following his acquittal on sex charges has been spending time on the Emerald Isle recently, and is looking into buying an estate there, possibly a castle, according to reports. What's more, he's supposedly interested in opening up a leprechaun-inspired theme park.
D.J. Dan: Conspiracy! For starters, enough with the theme parks. You want a theme park, pal? Pull back that veil and try the "Man in the Mirror." Ah ha ha ha ha, but back to the conspiracy, folks. Now folks, I've been talking about this for years. But has anyone else noticed in Michael Jackson's videos and movies - rainbows everywhere. What is the deal? The cover of "Moonwalker," rainbow. "Captain EO," spreading the rainbows! And why Johnny? Johnny?
Johnny: Leprechauns?
D.J. Dan: Leprechauns!
Johnny: Leprechauns!
D.J. Dan: Leprechauns. Jacko is in bed with the leprechauns, no pun intended. How else do you think he does that move, that move, the lean? Come on folks, I tried it once and you know what they called it? The fall. Next!
Tonya: Gurnee, Illinois, from the AP. Why wait in line when you can just eat a cockroach? That's the question Six Flags Great America is asking thrill seekers during the Halloween-themed Fright Fest. The amusement park is daring customers to eat a live, Madagascar hissing cockroach in exchange for unlimited line-jumping privileges.
D.J. Dan: Alright, Scam! Scam. Scam. Scam. Scam. Scam. This is not the first time, the first one the roaches have tried to pull on us, folks. Conspiraspies, if you know anything about roaches, you'll know that no matter how much you chew, how much you stomp, you just can't kill them. It's impossible, they can't die. They are the oldest things on the planet. Older than dirt, older than water, older than gravity. Why do you think the dinosaurs died out? Don't eat the roaches people. That's what they want, a way in! I'm afraid pretty soon you'll be seeing a seventh flag flying in Gurnee, that's right. The twisted flag of the roach eh- Johnny, could I have an Imperial March here for a second?
Johnny: Eh, uh, yes... Dun, dun dun, dunt, dun, dun, dun. Is this the one?
D.J. Dan: The twisted flag of the roach empire! Ah.
Johnny: Dun, dun, dun, dunt, dun, dun.
D.J. Dan: (Falsetto:) Ahhhh! (Continues in his normal voice) Very good. Next! Next headline.
Tonya: Power companies give squirrels a jolt.
D.J. Dan: Whoo-hoo!
Tonya: Allentown, Pennsylvania. From the AP. Shocking news, squirrels and power lines don't mix. The coops of pesky rodents are a leading cause of unplanned outages. They chew through power lines, fry themselves by completing electrical circuits and generally wreak havoc on power grids. The.. "Zap Shield" is an $11 polymer disk that arrived on the market some three years ago, and delivers a non-lethal electrostatic jolt to any varmint touching it.
D.J. Dan: Varmint! Hoax, hoax, folks, folks - this one's serious. I just want you all to sit down, here. Sit down if you're standing up please. Mom, that's right. We all know that gamma rays do some pretty awful things, man. We know what it did to Bruce Banner. That's right. They turned him into Lou Farrigno. Bill Bixby. Gamma rays. Lou Farrigno.
Sound of electrical static…
D.J. Dan: And I'll be the first to tell you, squirrel DNA, it don't take that much. That's right. We're gonna have the furry, flying, killer green death machines chomping at our throats! I say caveat squirrelus, my friends. Better a dead squirrel than a deadly, super squirrel. Don't say D.J. Dan didn't warn you. Next headline, Tonya.
Johnny: Super squirrel!
Laughter in background…
D. J. Dan: Gamma Squirrel!
Tonya: Phone telepathy, you knew it was true. Norwich, England. Reuters. Many people have experienced the phenomenon of receiving a telephone call from someone shortly after thinking about them. Now a scientist says he has proof of what he calls telephone telepathy. Rupert Sheldrake whose research is funded by the respected Trinity College of Cambridge said on Tuesday he had c-con (mup) condu, excuse me, conducted experiments that proved that such precognition existed…
D.J. Dan: All right, all right, all right! Scam. Scam. Scam. Scam. Folks, I get it, I get it. You're, you're saying, “Whoa, what is this about-face? Is D.J. Dan refuting telepathy?” But I'm not! I'm not refuting telepathy. What I'm saying is any study done by a guy named Rupert is obviously tainted. Tonya, wasn't Rupert Sheldrake the name of the character that Fred MacMurray played in “The Apartment?”
Johnny: Ha!
Tonya: Really?
Dan: Yeah! Absolutely it's false, it's a scam, and I'm shutting it down. We all know this, we grew up learning this. It's a scientific fact that Ruperts receive 90% of their phone calls from their mothers. That ain't telepathy folks. Rupert sat by the phone, thought "Mom" and then "Oh my God! A call from Mom! And my name is Rupert!" That's right Rupert…
Johnny: (Laughing) Rupert Sheldrake.
Tonya: Aww.
D.J. Dan: That's right, Rupert Sheldrake, "Hi Rupert, its mom! Did you eat your beans today?" This ain't telepathy folks, it's creepy! It's creepy, but it ain't telepathy. Ah, give me another, give me another headline Tonya, I'm sick of this Rupert.
Tonya: Shanghai. It's a big pajama party. Shanghai. Reuters. People wearing pajamas in public, still a common sight in Shanghai is one of the most irritating aspects of life in China's biggest city.
D.J. Dan (singing in Sha-na-na style voice): Pajama, pa-a-a-jama, pajama, pa-a-a-jama.
Tonya: According to an opinion poll…
D.J. Dan: Ahhh, conspiracy, conspiracy. You wanna know what's going on in Shanghai? Two words… pod people. Next!
Tonya: The Lost Experience ends September 24th.
D.J. Dan: Hmmm… Is that tonight?
Tonya: The multi-platform interactive phenomenon “The Lost Experience,” will come to a climactic close on September 24th with a live, worldwide radio Internet broadcast hosted by the renegade D.J. Dan.
D.J. Dan: Wait a minute, wait a minute, read me a little more, what's it say there, what else does it say there?
Tonya: It says that you are hosting…
D.J. Dan: Oh my God, you know Tonya, you know Tonya, this really bothers me. Every day for the past five months I have had to get up in the morning and stare at headlines calling my life a work of fiction. And just listen to this ball of lies they're chucking at our heads on the famed geek-out Internet site, the Lostpedia. That's right; it's a wiki-wiki site.
(Lost title music plays in background.)
D.J. Dan: "A character in the Lost Experience, D.J. Dan hosts a podcast about various subjects relating to the experience, including the Hanso Foundation and its many projects." Oh, it goes on! According to this, we're all characters. Every one of us sitting in this room, apparently created by some screenwriter named Josen- Jordan Rosenheimer, and that yippin' yappin'-
Johnny: Ya, da da da da da da. ( To the tune of John Jacob Heimer Scmidt)
D.J. Dan: -and that yippin' yappin' son of a nerfhearder, Javier Grillo-Marxuach. I mean, have you seen this guy? He's some sort of half-man half-bear creature with those beady eyes and that high tin-pot voice. I have half a mind to make him... Johnny, I need it, give it to me.
Johnny: Eh, uh, give you what? Oh! Oh! That. The mythical beastie of the day.
D.J. Dan: Yeah, take that Marxuach. But I'll come back to that. Because Tonya, you know what this does to me?
Tonya: Oh no.
D.J. Dan: You know how this makes me feel?
Tonya: Please, Dan, spare us.
D.J. Dan: The voices are dancing in my head and I gotta, I need to, I need to just…
Johnny: Let it out!
Dan: Don't you get it people? The Lost Experience is a hoax, a conspiracy, and a scam all rolled up into one. These small-minded people, these executives, and executive producers, and non-writing executive producers, and writing executive producers, and directing producers, and supervising producers, and co-producers, they have the gall to believe that they can put one over on you and me, the consumer. They have the sheer contempt to believe all it takes to hide the truth about their relationship with that nefarious organization, that VW Bug full of evil clowns, the people I call my arch-nemeses…
Johnny: (Sinister music) The Hanso Foundation.
D.J. Dan: They believe all it takes to hide the truth about their support for Thomas Mittelwerk and Alvar Hanso and all their evil schemes is to wrap it up in a pretty bow and call it, quote, “The Lost Experience.” Well I'm not gonna take it lying down conspiraspies, can't you see, it's slight of hand, it's the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist, well folks, ABC has one-upped him and they gave him his own TV show. What better way to obscure the truth than to put it on TV? Nobody with half a brain believes anything they see on TV is real, right? Not even the reality shows! So, of course, my life, your life, Rachel Blake's life. And if that wasn't what they were relying on, if Lost isn't real, then the Lost Experience isn't real, right. And Rachel Blake isn't. And Hanso, and the foundation, and Mittelwerk, nor his plot to kill 30% of the human race. Well that's just fine and dandy, but it ain't the truth. It's about control, conspiraspies, the Merovingian had their number, they take, they-they take me, they take Rachel, and there we are, threatening their very existence, so they pull a Bobby Ewing, that's right. You wake up to find ABC and Lost standing in your shower, telling you that the fight you've been fighting, the evil you've been outing, it's all part of a game. It's just a fiction dreamed up by Javier Grillo-Marxuach and Jordan Rosencrance.
Tonya: Uh, Dan, I think it's Rosenburg.
D.J. Dan: Rosenheimer, Rosenbuck, Burkenshtock, it doesn't matter. If anyone is a figment of anyone's imagination it's this writer, this Jordan Rosenbaum.
Johnny: Burg....Steve!
D.J. Dan: Dreamed up by Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse. And like our good friend Rachel said, they should be ashamed. So now I guess anything in your life you want to pretend isn't real, you can just call it the Blank Experience, right? Like, I had a doughnut today, maybe it was just the Croner Experience? It's not gonna show up in my butt tonight, no, not at all!
Tonya: Oh, Dan...
D.J. Dan: That exists in reality, right now. It's like saying "Hey, going to a Cubs game with Johnny, that exists in reality, but now, it's an experience, it's the Cut-Johnny-Off-by-the-Fifth-Inning Experience." And winning means Johnny can drive himself home.
Johnny: Clean and sober.
D.J. Dan: You see what I'm getting at? Life is not entertainment people. Life is life. The stakes are real. If the Hanso Foundation gets away with what it's doing, a third of my audience vanishes. Now I can hear you thinking it, conspiraspies: "DJ Dan, prove it. Prove to us that you're real." Well ask yourselves if I were truly a fictional character, an overweight fictional character such as I am with a professed love for powdered doughnuts, would I really have cut those bastards out of my diet? Would I? No! Because fictional characters don't worry about their fictional health. If I wasn't real, would I really settle for this home-delivered, fat-restricted, carb-counted, sugar-stripped, nasty, disgusting, wheat germ, vulgar, parsley-filled (yeah I said parsley Tonya, and you know how I feel about parsley), starch-free, tasteless hockey puck of a diet plan?
Tonya: You love it.
Dan: So I can somehow convince my blushing, and now paling in revulsion, bride to look at me in my boxers without suppressing a giggle? If I wasn't real, would I not have cast two adorable, gorgeous child actors to play my kids? Would I, would they not have the eyes of Jack and the cheekbones of Sawyer? I can't even find their damn cheekbones! Reality, my friends, is pain, and worry, and struggle. But the struggle, my friends, the work, to free ourselves from the bonds of the man: that is our freedom, that is our joy, and there is no freedom in delusion. There is no freedom on your couch, except for right now, I'm bringing the fight to your couch. I'm bringing the, quote, “Lost Experience,” a.k.a. the HARSH TRUTH OF REALITY, to your doorstep. You know, a wise man once said, "There's only one man wiser than I, and that man, is DJ Dan".
Johnny: And that man was me.
D.J. Dan: How can you argue with that?
Johnny: You can't.
D.J. Dan: Conspiraspies, we're here on RadioHarvest.com. The Hanso Foundation tried jamming us earlier today, we have thwarted them, we are on. We're going to come back, I'm gonna take your calls. I want to hear your thoughts, your rants, your raves. When we return, you're going to be on the line with me. Folks, it's time for a song about the Man.
Song: "For What it's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield plays.
Singing: D.J. Dan
Johnny: Coming to you live, from the bridge of the Battlestar Conspira-sub-spa-con-(Laughter). Can we do that again, DJ Dan?
D.J. Dan: Let's try that again now, try.
Johnny: Okay, here we go (cough, laughter)
Singing: D.J. Dan
Johnny: Coming to you live, from the bridge of the Battlestar Conspiraspy, it's D.J. Dan, shutting down the Man! And now, my good, close, personal friend, D.J. Dan.
Dan: Yes, it wouldn't be a D.J. Dan broadcast without at least one false start, would it, Johnny?
Johnny: Uh, I don't know what you're talking about, that was perfect!
Dan: Exactly... it was fantastic! And now, if you're hearing spooky music, you know what that spooking means, don't you?
Johnny, D.J. Dan and Tonya make ghost sounds.
D.J. Dan: Tonya, what do you think that music means?
Tonya: We got our budget cut again?
D.J. Dan: Yeah, it sure sounds like it, doesn't it, but no, one of these days, Tonya, to the dwarf moon of the dwarf planet Pluto. To the Moon of Pluto!
Johnny: The dwarf moon of Pluto!
D.J. Dan: Uh, yeah that's not it's name, it's Kay-ron or Kai-ron, or...
Johnny: Shai-ron.
D.J. Dan: Or is it Charon?
Johnny: Charbroiled.
Tonya: Doesn't it have a nickname?
D.J. Dan: Folks, folks, but let's not, let's not forget the topic here, the topic here is why are we hearing this incredibly mellifluous music?
Johnny: Oh, oh… music.(Makes more ghost sounds.)
D.J. Dan: That can only mean it's time for our?
Johnny: Area 51 update.
D.J. Dan: That's right, Conspiraspies, it's time to find out what's happening in Dreamland, Groom Lake, Watertown Strip. You may know it as Area 51, but any way you slice it, it's time to get old Marvin the Earthling on the line!
Johnny: He's walking into our studios now.
D.J. Dan: Uh, Marv?
Marvin: Hi, guys.
D.J. Dan: Uh, Marv...
Marvin: Uh, oh, you got a shoe rule?
Laughter in the background.
Marvin: Oh, just, no, I'll just go ahead and take 'em off.
D.J. Dan: Marv, Marvin, what are you do-, what are you doing here? You can't leave Area 51 in the hands of the Man, man! I mean, they could be planning extraterrestrial landings and takeovers, and they could be turning the freakin' Mojave… uh, is it, is it the Mojave? (Siren in the background.)
Marvin: Yeah, yeah it's the Mojave.
D.J. Dan: Ah, okay, ah, well, they could be turning it into a giant Zen rock garden, for all we know! They, they could be planning on taking out Vegas. Tonya, get Cirque de Soleil on the line, stat!
Tonya: Do those people even talk?
Dan: Marvin, Marvin I'm busy here. Rachel Blake is going to be calling in in a few minutes and...
Marvin: Now, DJ, listen. No, no! But listen, wait. What I'm saying is, D.J. Dan, is that, you know, what with the space-time continuum Quantum Leap Funka-tude, and all the weird machines they got out there and everything, what, what I'm saying is what if I still am at Area 51 and here at the same time? And what if I'm about to be calling you right about... ?
Tonya: Dan? We've got Marvin the Earthling on Line 4... Marvin, go...
D.J. Dan: No no no no, put him on shut down, SHUT DOWN!! Haven't you people, has nobody here seen Time Cop?! If Marvin there talks with Marvin here, then over the phone, we're talking massive rip in the space-time continuum, the kind you can't fix with a, with a Van Damme split!
Johnny: Rippidy-dippidy-doo!
D.J. Dan: Well, huge! Thank God we got that in order. Jeepers, it's like the entire show's falling apart. Marv, as long as you're here, we'd better keep you here. You got any radio skills?
Marvin: Uh, nope, but, uh, um, I am in fact an expert on "The Lost Experience".
D.J. Dan: A little something I like to call Reality.
Marvin: Uh, riight...right.
D.J. Dan: The So-called Experience.
Marvin: So, look. If, if you don't mind, I'll just sit over here in the corner, um, as quiet as Schrödinger’s Cat, and I will, uh, wait until my services are needed, D.J. Dan.
D.J. Dan: Well, okay, that's what I'm saying, because Marvin the Earthling's an expert on this, if there's something I don't know, Marvin's going to know it, folks, so you just try and call us and we'll see what happens. I'm going to take your calls.
Marvin: Stump me.
D.J. Dan: So, folks, I'm oing to open up the phone lines, and I'm going to talk about this so-called "Experience", about the Hanso Foundation, rather, as I like to call them, my arch nemeses...
Johnny: Oh, gi-gimme another second here!
D.J. Dan: Alright, folks, let's try that again...
Johnny: Hold on, hold on...
D.J. Dan: I'm going to talk about my arch nemeses...
Johnny: Hold on, hold on, hold on... can I have ano--God, the music...
D.J. Dan: Folks, we're gonna have the calls here first. We're going to be talking about my arch nemeses:
Johnny: (Laughter) (Sinsiter music) The Hanso Foundation... yeah!
D.J. Dan: Wow, that was a long road for that piece.
Johnny: It was the music, I had to have my music.
D.J. Dan: Folks... here's the thing, you've seen the video, what does it mean? When is Rachel planning on, on releasing the...? When is Thomas Werner Mittelwerk planning on releasing that virus, ok... I want to know what's going on with that guy. Do the authorities know? I sent my completed version of that video to every government spook stooge, official and non-official I know, so far, not a peep. Is Mittelwerk still running the joint? We haven't heard a thing from The Hanso Foundation since September 8th! Is Mittelwerk on the run? Is he right? What do you guys think? I mean, if it's true, we're all going to die in say, 2012? You know, the Mayans predicted an apocalypse then, that, that would it be the right thing to do to eighty-six 30% of the population? Whatever's going on with this Mittelwerk creep, I don't like it, folks. I feel like Tom Skerritt in the airplane with the flame thrower, the alien is getting closer and closer with the beeping and the booping and the beeping... and I don't like it. Oh, lord, folks!! Someone get me a brown paper bag! I'm going to take some calls, who do we have on the line?
Tonya: Line 15, it's Idan from... (beep, beep, beep – disconnected sound)
D.J. Dan: Ohh, lost Idan. Who else do we have?
Tonya: Line 14, Mike from N.Y.
D.J. Dan: Is this Mike from N.Y? You're on the air with D.J. Dan.
Mike: Yeah, this is Mike from N.Y., how you guys doing?
Johnny: We have a call.
D.J. Dan: We have a call, ladies and gentlemen. Mike, we're doing great, yeah, we're just running on Mountain Dew and Red Bull here. What are you running on?
Mike: Ah, I'm running pure spirit, to shut down The Man.
D.J. Dan: Ha ha, excellent. So tell us what can we do you for tonight, what do you want to talk about.
Mike: Um, well, we're actually involved with this band, we're called the Abberlines.
Johnny: Shameless self-promotion.
D.J. Dan: That's right. Please use my airspace to promote your band! Cuz that's what I live for...
Mike: Listen guys, our main message is, we want you to shut down The Man. I need a favor from you, D.J. Dan.
D.J. Dan: You need a favor from me, what do you need there?
Mike: I need you guys to send out some D.J. Dan t-shirts so that everyone who sees us knows what we're all about.
D.J. Dan: You know what? I'm sorry, but this is way too commercial, even for me, as I drink my uh my my Sprite, and drive home in my Jeep Compass. I'm going to have to shut you down, please talk to our screener. Thank you, good night, shut down! Next call, who do we have?
Tonya: Line 9, The Fox, from San Diego.
D.J. Dan: The Fox... from San Diego.
The Fox: Hi!
D.J. Dan: Yes, hi, The Fox! How are you tonight, The Fox?
Johnny: (laughing) Improper syntax.
The Fox: Hello, there. I'm doing pretty good, how's it goin’, Dan?
D.J. Dan: Well, so far so good. If you have a question, or some sort of music for me that'll serve as content, I'll be even better. Whatcha got?
The Fox: I've got a question. As you know, I've taken many pictures of The Hanso Foundation with my specially made camera here...
D.J. Dan: Oh, really.
The Fox: Yeah. And for some reason, every time I do? They look like stick figures and I'm not quite sure why.
D.J. Dan: Shut Down! They look like stick figures, and you don't quite know why? I don't understand, what are you using, mammography?? For the love of God! Get a real camera, get a digital ca--I thought I--wait a second, are you still on the air?
Johnny: We shut him down.
D.J. Dan: I hope we shut him down! I could hear The Fox!
Johnny: Would you like to shut him down again?
D.J. Dan: Let's shut him down again.
Johnny: Shut down.
(Laughter in studio)
D.J. Dan: OK, The Fox, you're off the air. Gimme, gimme another call. Are you still on the air, The Fox?
Johnny: Shut down not working.
Tonya: Ha, ha ha!
D.J. Dan: Christ, the entire show has gone to Hell in a bucket! Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot shut down The Fox! Perhaps he's a goon of The Hanso Foundation. Let's have another call, who do we have?
Tonya: Line 13, Monte, from N.Y.
D.J. Dan: Monteeeeeeeeee! from NY. How you doin’ ?
Monte: Hi, is this D.J. Dan?
D.J. Dan: Monte. You know last time, I shut you down very rudely.
Monte: No you didn't.
D.J. Dan: No? I shut down a Monte.
Monte: You said my name, and I was honored.
D.J. Dan: Oh, excellent. Oh, Monte, you, you are taking the express lane to my heart. What can I do for you tonight?
Monte: I have a question for you that appeals to the D.J. side of your talent.
D.J. Dan: Excellent, excellent. A sadly underused side of my talent. Let's hear it.
Monte: I, I'm dying to know, where I can get a copy of Geronimo Jackson's original album, Magna Charta.
D.J. Dan: Well, you know, Geronimo Jackson Magna Charta is almost as rare as Keith Strutter's original album for his band, the Kharma Imperative, we all know this.
Monte: Yes, yes we do. You mentioned that on the last broadcast.
D.J. Dan: I believe that it's actually an incredibly rare pressing. I don't know how many records were actually put out of the original Magna Charta. I mean, frankly, you know, I think we all know where at least one printing of that record is, am I right, Monte?
Monte: I--I trust you, DJ Dan, but I normally live in San Francisco and Haight Asbury cannot locate that album, and I've tried!
D.J. Dan: I know Monte, but I don't know.. I think when this entire thing with The Hanso Foundation has come to an appropriate conclusion; we're going to make it our life's mission to track down Geronimo Jackson, but until then? Monte, I'm gonna have to shut you down.
Monte: D.J. Dan? Ah.
D.J. Dan: You know, you're on, still on. Come on, say it!
Johnny: You're unshut.
D.J. Dan: No, we shut him down, he's gone.
Johnny: (laughing) Oh, he's shut.
D.J. Dan: Alright, um, folks, you know what? We've taken a couple of calls, but I'm going to take another call. I'm feeling generous tonight. Let's do another one, what do we got.
Tonya: Line 1, Mark from Toronto.
D.J. Dan: Mark from Toronto, what do we got for you. (silence) Mark from Toronto? You're on the air with DJ Dan.
Tonya: Eh?
D.J. Dan: No? We don't have Mark from Toronto. OK, let's get another call. Who do we have?
Tonya: Kyle, from Hudson, New Hampshire, Line 7.
D.J. Dan: Kyle, Kyle XY! Oh wait, that’s on another network.
Johnny: Ah, he's got a dreamy belly button, no, dreamy blue eyes.
D.J. Dan: No, that's right, he doesn't have a belly button, yes.
Johnny: Sans belly button.
D.J. Dan: Kyle, you're on the air with D.J. Dan, what do you got to say to me. (silence) Kyle? You're on the air. You got anything? Oh, Kyle, we've made jokes about a TV show with your name, and you're not even there. Give me another call, who do we have.
Tonya: Line 14, Joe from Oregon.
D.J. Dan: Joe from Oregon. (TV on in background) Joe? You're on the air with DJ Dan LIVE!
Johnny: Joe?
D.J. Dan: Well, Joe's family is having a big party listening to D.J. Dan.
Joe: Yeah, we're having a huge party.
D.J. Dan: Well, Joe, what can we do for you? I'm D.J. Dan, you're Joe.
Joe: Right on. This is Hector, and uh, we've got a special guest here to talk to you. DJ Lena has got some questions for you.
D.J. Dan: Well, let's hear the questions FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Johnny: He has guests.
Joe: Hello?
Lena: Hey Dan, what's up!
D.J. Dan: Not much, it'll get a lot better when you tell me what you got! Come on, I need content. It's all greetings.
Lena: I was wondering if I could expose you.
D.J. Dan: Yes, you can expose me.
Johnny: Ohhh, please do not! (Laughter) Sitting right across from me.
Tonya: We do not want to see that!
D.J. Dan: We have kids in the studio, for the love of God. Whataya got for me?
Lena: Speaker told me, he passed the word along.
D.J. Dan: Well, what did Speaker tell you, about what? I need to hear something from you, what's going on?
Tonya: Who's Speaker?
Lena: I think that you are full of bull myself. I think you wag the dog.
D.J. Dan: Uh I think I wag the--you think I wag the--You know what I wag?? I wag the Shut Down!
Johnny: Oh you uh, oh you want the shut down.
D.J. Dan: I wag the, I wag nothing! Gimme another call!
Tonya: Chuck from Austin.
D.J. Dan: Chuck from Austin.
Tonya: Line 9.
D.J. Dan: Line 9, let's hear from Chuck. Chuck from Austin.
Chuck: (Load static feedback) Hey, DJ Dan.
D.J. Dan: Whoa, turn it down, buddy! Nice shootin’ there, Tex! Whatcha got?
Chuck: Whoa, a little loud over there. This is Chuck from Austin over here.
D.J. Dan: Hi Chuck from Austin.
Johnny: Actually his name.
D.J. Dan: Yes, let's here it, whatcha got for me. (silence) Chuck? Chuck? Did we cut Chuck--Chuck?
Tonya: Chuck?
Johnny: Get an ambulance over here. (Ambulance siren)
D.J. Dan: Oh God, God, they got Chuck! The Hanso Foundation got Chuck! I didn't even shut this guy down!
Johnny: Go ahead.
D.J. Dan: Screeners, if Chuck calls again, I need to talk to Chuck, I want to know what Chuck from Austin had to say. But folks, you know, these calls only lead me to one thing. I'd like to talk to you something about this. They're creamy, they're chocalicious, they're full of messages from Rachel Blake. But if you're like me, Conspiraspies, you know that somewhere in the back of your minds, that something's just not right with scarfing down four Apollo bars in 26 seconds, I mean, even I know when I've crossed the line. And the reason? Hidden addictive substances. Mind control substances not listed in the, the wrapper of your Apollo bar. That's right, folks. It's time for a little something that I like to call (Sound of a bugle):
Johnny: Top 5 Mind Control Substances in the Apollo Bar.
D.J. Dan: That's right, folks. Things that are not listed. We looked at some, ah, reports, we did some analyses, folks, and we got our resident PhD, Louis, to analyze a simulated Apollo chocolate, he's also our roadie, and you'll never believe some of these ingredients he found. LYMON. Number 5, Lymon. No surprise here. Lymon, practically invented by the Apollo Candy Company. It, it it is a conspiracy by The Hanso Foundation. Those of you who have been following the work of Dr. Hackett, remember, he split over a Lymon-related dispute with Dr. Mittelwerk. Number 4…
Johnny: Xanthum gum.
D.J. Dan: I knew it! I don't know what this is, I don't know what it does, it might be an emulsifier, it might be a viscosifier. You ask me, it sounds like something out of a Pierce Anthony novel. Lord knows the man likes to write about mind control. Number 3:
Johnny: Parsley.
D.J. Dan: Noooooo! (Tonya laughs) It can't be! Tonya, you put parsley on the list! You know how I feel about parsley! Luis, was there anything worse, Luis?
Tonya: Maybe it was Jordan Rosenberg.
D.J. Dan: Rosenheimer. Number 2, now this makes sense, all the sense in the world:
Tonya: Perfect.
Johnny: Doughnut extract.
D.J. Dan: Very addictive. I, I, I should know, but on the plus side, recent studies show that doughnut extract cures baldness.
Johnny: D.J. Dan was in the control group.
(Studio laughter)
D.J. Dan: Oh, shut up. Oh, finally, I don't know how they did it, I don't know why they did it, but somewhere between my 3rd and 4th bars, I couldn't shake the feeling that old Jamie Farr was dancing around in my head. That's right, the most prevalent secret mind control ingredient in the Apollo bar is: Season One of M*A*S*H! I'll hand it to the lethal Hanso scientists, they're good! If you don't believe me, just try it for yourself. Take a bite of your Apollo bar right now, and tell me you don't see Clinger in drag. You can't. You can’t! Folks we’re going to do a little song about the man. We’ll be back in a few.
"Trampled Underfoot" by Led Zeppelin plays
Voice: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0… Ignition! Liftoff!
(Laughter by Tonya.)
Singing: D. J. Dan
Johnny: Ha, ha. From the destroyed fourth wall... it's D.J. Dan, Shutting Down The Man! And now here he is, D.J. Dan.
D. J. Dan: We have all seen the Sri-Lanka video. Some of us spent weeks trying to put that little sucker together. We've all seen the lecture that Mittelwerk gave. We know all about the “numbers” and the Valenzetti Equation. Johnny's been getting a lot of e-mail, a lot of frantic messages, so has Tonya...
Johnny: Keep ‘em coming.
D. J. Dan: You know what? Everyone wants to know one thing. They want to know, 'What should I do if I encounter The Numbers?' Folks! First of all, do not put the numbers in a song, or rap or a mashup. Fenris! My eyes are on you! You should know by now that the Numbers are sensitive! All you'll do is enrage them and remind them how they were cut off from the first round of American Idol tryouts last year! I mean, when the only good thing that Paula can say is that she likes your choice of bowler and spats, and that perhaps you should continue your day job as a representational string of values, representing the core environmental and human factors in the Valenzetti Equation, Ooh, that's gotta be a blow. Folks, number 2. Do not ask for a photograph! Do not ask for an autograph. If you're going to compliment them, don't walk up and talk about the Numbers' early work. And by all means, do not talk about 23's gambling problem. That's between 23 and 42. 3: If they’re in a fortune cookie, do not eat the cookie!! In fact, you may want to reconsider the whole meal. I'm talking Ipecac, people.
Johnny: Ipecac.
D. J. Dan: That's, you know that’s what I'm saying. You can't be too careful. If you find the Numbers in a fortune cookie, folks, that meal's a rental not a purchase, if you know what I'm saying. Number 4, if you're a freshman in high school and the Numbers just happen to be your locker combination, transfer! You're in for a world of swirlies, my little friend. You're on the express train to Farmer Ted country.
(Studio laughter)
D. J. Dan: And if you're a senior, and the freshman whose locker you decided to steal and use for your own has a combination that's the Numbers, pick a different kid, O.K.? You're about to become Chet, if you know what I'm saying. And 5, if you happen to see these numbers appear on a receipt for your signature, do noy sign it! Whatever you bought, return it! Run out of the store screaming. And if it's a meal?
Johnny: Er, uh, if it's a meal?
D. J. Dan: Ipecac!
Johnny: Ipecac. Oh, Ipecac.
D. J. Dan: It's only Johnny's favorite word. What is that word, Johnny?
Johnny: Ipecac.
D. J. Dan: That's right.
Johnny: D.J. Dan?
D.J. Dan: Yes?
Johnny: I wasn't paying attention.
D. J. Dan: Ha, ha, ha! What a surprise.
(Laughter in studio.)
D.J. Dan: Little known fact. Meals prepared with Numbers have been scientifically proven to contain near fatal levels of Riboflavin. And finally? If you encounter the Numbers on a broadcast telling you what to do when you encounter the Numbers, you have only one alternative: open your windows, right now and shout it into the night! Conspiraspies unite! (Shouting) That’s right! I want you to go to your windows. I want you to open those windows. I want you to stick your head out. I want you to say, “Man, my life has value.” I want you to say, “Conspiraspies unite!” Then we’ll deal with the government. Then we’ll deal with the television. But first, you’ve got to get mad! You’ve got to go out! You’ve got go out and open the window and shout, “Conspiraspies unite!”
(Studio shouting and “Unite!”)
Tonya: Unite!
D. J. Dan: Conspiraspies unite!
Johnny: Plagiarized concept.
D. J. Dan: Oh my God, folks. I swear, that Howard Beale is a guru, he's a life coach to me. You know what folks? Now that I've yelled like that at you, I feel like I need a little bit of what we in the business refer to as 'vocal rest.' So, what are we going to do? There's a little segment here that I like to call...
Johnny: Johnny recaps the “Lost Experience.”
D. J. Dan: That's right, folks, while I go guzzle down a little more Red Bull, I feel that some of you may not entirely know what's been going on in reality, a.k.a. the Lost Experience, as those stooges at ABC will have you call it. That's right folks, so in order for you to catch up on what I'm talking about, Johnny, our very own announcer Johnny, who's more than a little hopped on up the Luagavulin, is going to recap the entire Experience for you. So folks, without further ado, Johnny? Take 'er away.
Johnny: Ah, Wednesday night. I wish D.J. Dan would be nicer to me… Hey! Its my favorite show, Lost! A phone number? For the Hanso Foundation? I’d better dial it! Who are these strange people on these voice mails? Breaking strain! Persephone! Who is this girl? Wow, what a great website. Nice music. Hi Joop! Hey, put away those teeth! My name is Johnny. Hey, look, the screen’s talking to me. Breaking strain, did I spell that right… woah! What’s happening to my screen? No, I refuse to believe these executives are corrupt. Not you too Dick Cheever!
D.J. Dan: Dick Cheever!
Johnny: Mittelwerk isn’t really a doctor? Hmm. The Vik Institute? Organ harvesting, and electromagnetic antenna? Maybe these Hanso people aren’t so good after all. Save Joop, Save Him! Save that monkey! Yeah, where is Alvar? What’s that sound! Alarms? Alarms! Persephone? Persephone, where are you! Hey, what a nice travel blog. Wait a minute. Is this Rachel Blake really Persephone? Yes I would like some pizza! I’m hungry! Careful Rachel, oops, ooh maps! Alvar Hanso’s grandfather? Captain of The Black Rock? Hide Rachel! Hide, in… in the closet! Not with the iron! Was that really necessary? Zander’s lying, don’t believe him. Hieroglyphics? Valenzetti? An exchange transfusion? That is gross. GidgetGirl was… Darla? Poor Darla! Gunshots! Run! Run! That’s right, use the glasses cam. I don’t like the dark. Was that a roach on the sink? The Helgus Antonius? Quarantine? Sri Lanka? The Spider Protocol? Hey, who’s that girl yelling at the Lost panel? She’s beautiful. Oh, oh, it’s Rachel! Hanso Exposed? Who is this Mr. Beardy fellow? It’s Alvar Hanso! Mittelwerk wants to kill us all! The “numbers!” Ah! Ah! Yeah, yes, I would like an Apollo bar. I love parsley.
D. J. Dan: Folks! That was the entire text of reality also known as the Lost Experience, by none other than our very own, announcer Johnny.
(Clapping in studio.)
D. J. Dan: And folks, we’re gonna give announcer Johnny a little bit of what I like to call “vocal rest”, that’s right he’s going into a closet, we’re gonna put a warm towel around his aching throat. And while I do that I’m gonna take a couple of questions from D.J. Dan’s mailbag. That’s right let’s see what you got. Tonya, give me a question.
Tonya: From Kyle.
D. J. Dan: Ah Kyle. Kyle XY, with the dreamy blue eyes and no belly button. Yes.
Tonya: D.J. Dan, just how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop…
D. J. Dan: 108. NEXT!
Tonya: Wow, really… ah, D.J. Dan. From Revjob.
D. J. Dan: Revjob! I had a Revjob earlier today! It was delightful. But we’re not gonna talk about that, yes, go ahead.
Tonya: My question is, who’s in the sites of your sawed off journalist shotgun next? You and Rachel have already blown the Hanso Foundation out of the water, so who’s next on your hit list?
D. J. Dan: You wanna know who we’re goin’ after if we take the Hanso Foundation down? I’ll tell ya who I’m gonna go after, the Children’s Television Workshop. That’s right, the CTW. You’ve all been hearing the rumors! Cookie monster, my personal idol, the blue creature I worshipped for much of my adult and child life, is being turned into the veggie monster? In some kind of effort to get kids to eat more GMOs. Folks! C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me. Next!
Tonya: From Bo Jangles.
D. J. Dan: Bo! Jangles.
Tonya: D.J. Dan, you rule!
D. J. Dan: Whoo, well of course I do, thank you.
Tonya: Ha, ha, ha, ha…
D. J. Dan: Bo. May I call you Bo?
Tonya: I can’t help but wonder what a genius like you might know about the mysteries of life. Lemme just ask, what is the meaning of life?
D. J. Dan: Ah, the meaning of life, well! Try to get in a good book now and then, ah try and avoid fatty foods, and try together with people of all different races, creeds and colors. Ah, next.
Tonya: From Mr. Mulders.
D. J. Dan: Mr. Mulders.
Tonya: To the real ones, D.J. Dan and Tonya. We’ve all been waiting, and now Rachel Blake promises to tell the whole truth about Hanso and…
D. J. Dan: That’s right folks. She’s gonna be here, she’s gonna be calling me. I’m telling you, I know this for a fact.
Tonya: But wait. What if Rachel is the Man? Are you tough enough to rip out your sugar coated feelings and to shut her down?
D. J. Dan: Oh my god. Oh my god this question is ripping the fabric of space-time all around me. I don’t know what I would do if Rachel was the man! Oh my god! Oh god! Oh god! What do I…? Children’s Television Workshop I’m going after them did I say that? I say that already, that’s what I do…
Tonya: We all heard you Dan.
D. J. Dan: Alright, alright. Now you know what, I’ve had it with these emails. Um, they don’t have that personal touch that I like. You know I like kinda reaching out and touch… let’s take a phone call! Who do we have on the line?
Tonya: Line 15. Bill. From Frederick, Maryland.
D. J. Dan: Ah, Bill. Bill, this is D.J. Dan, are you on the line?
Bill: Hello, how’s it going?
D. J. Dan: It’s going great Bill. If you have questions, musings, or answers, I’d be very happy to hear them.
Bill: Well this is Lhorse007 from the Lost Experience Clues, anyway.
D. J. Dan: Oh excellent. So you’re, you’re part of this so-called alternate reality? You’re playing into it? Come on man, why don’t you call it the “Reality Clues” O.K. What you got to say, come on, let’s hear it.
Bill: Well, ah, I’ve been wondering if Rachel really is Persephone.
D. J. Dan: You know what. When she gets here, I’m gonna put a rest to that once and for all O.K.? I believe that this woman is Persephone. I know this to be a fact. I’ve talked to her about it. She’s gonna talk to me about it in mere minutes.
Bill: Do you think she’s the original Persephone though?
D. J. Dan: I, I think that there’s only person… look this is the woman who’s on a very focused quest right here, I mean I don’t think only one, I think this is something that only one person does, I think this is an act of obsession bordering on beautiful, seductive mania. In fact, O.K., and I think that Rachel orchestrated this whole thing. I think I’ve already given my theory in one of my live broadcasts, when I have said that just because Rachel maybe isn’t as good at the espionage stuff O.K., doesn’t mean that she’s not a great hacker O.K., or vice versa. I think that there is, you know, I think that you have to be fair about the fact that not everybody’s skill set at every point in their life is gonna be exactly the greatest. Why do you think she’s not Persephone?
Bill: I think the original Persephone was the one, you know, hacking the site and everything and perhaps, ah, Hanso was getting too close to her so Rachel decided to come out and say she was Persephone, so the other Persephone could, you know live free from persecution…
D. J. Dan: You know what, you know what, I, I’m not going to shut you down, and I would shut down normally anybody who calls, I shut down every call, I’m just gonna say… I will ask Rachel that myself when she’s here in a little while O.K.? That’s what I’m gonna do.
Bill: Thank you.
D. J. Dan: Thank you very much for your call, next call. Who else do we have?
Tonya: Line 7. Joe from Bristol.
Dan: Joe from Bristol. Bristol, ah, Bristol, ah, Oregon? Are we talking about Bristol in Bligh my friend?
Tonya: Connecticut…
Joe: Connecticut.
D. J. Dan: Bristol, Connecticut. Oh I thought you were one of our friends across the pond but I still love you dearly. What you got for us boy?
Joe: I have a question for you D.J. Dan.
D. J. Dan: That’s good.
Joe: How’s it feel?
D. J. Dan: (Laughs) How’s what feel?
Joe: Being Shutdoen!!! (hangs up)
(Studio laughter)
Johnny: You know what, can I just say something?
D. J. Dan: Yes, go ahead.
Johnny: He didn’t have the sound effect so that’s not an official shutdown.
D. J. Dan: You know what, I… you know how it feels? Not as good as if you were to say… Shutdown!
Johnny: Oh, er, ah.
D. J. Dan: Well apparently I don’t have sound effects either.
Johnny: No there it is, there it is. (Shutdown music plays.)
D. J. Dan: Oh well you know what, a man has gotten his vengeance on me, oh no! I’m crushed! I’m so crushed, I’ve been shut down, it’s the worst thing ever! Put somebody else on for the love of god. My god.
Tonya: Line 16. Jeff from New Jersey.
D. J. Dan: O.K. now Chuck from Austen, if you’re out there, please call me I wanna know what you had to say,
Jeff: Hello?
D. J. Dan: Jeff!
Jeff: Hey how are you doing?
D. J. Dan: You’re on with D.J. Dan. It’s going great!
Jeff: Good, ah.
D. J. Dan: What do you think I’m on? There’s a rumor on the Internet that I was apparently on crystal meth, well I’m not on crystal meth, what do you think I’m taking?
Jeff: I think you’re taking a lot of Red Bull.
D. J. Dan: I’m taking a lot of Red Bull, that’s right.
Jeff: Well that’s great though.
D. J. Dan: I’m dancing with the bull that is red, my friend, what you got for me?
Jeff: Ah, first I wanna tell Johnny he did an awesome job with that recap. That was hilarious.
D. J. Dan: Well you know Johnny… Johnny, angry Johnny, that’s right. We love the man.
Johnny: And I’m… right back at you son.
D. J. Dan: Johnny summaries everything for me actually, I’ve had… he summarizes the Old Testament for me, he can do it in actually less than 30 seconds, its spectacular.
Johnny: Not a big reader!
D. J. Dan: No, what you got for me Jeff? Let’s hear it.
Jeff: Um, well I wanted to know what you thought about the, ah, Valenzetti Equation? Do you think it’s real? If it is do you think we can avoid the end of the world?
D. J. Dan: You know what, I don’t know if we can avoid the end of the world, but I think this Equation is real and the fact is, I think it is about high time that the Hanso Foundation release their iron grip on Gary Troup’s book, and on the Equation itself. I think its very clear that if a single executive of the Hanso Foundation can be moved to mobilize, to destroy a third of the world’s population with a virus because of what this Equation has to say, then the only place where I’ll give Thomas Werner Mittelwerk any credit is to say that he believes it then maybe we should look at it and I think that’s the whole point of this entire thing. If this thing is real, if this thing exists, it should be out there. It should be seen by everybody. It shouldn’t just be something that a few fat cat Swedes or Danes or whatever the hell they are, are gonna hold onto, while we the rest of them wait for them to save our lives, that’s all I’m saying about that.
Jeff: Rock on.
D. J. Dan: Excellent. Thank you so much for your call, let’s take one more call, and then we’re gonna talk about something very near and dear to my heart before we take a break. Let’s take another call.
Tonya: Line 1.
D. J. Dan: Line 1!
Tonya: Nanny from New Jersey, again.
D. J. Dan: Nanny from New Jersey again, we’re very big in Jersey.
Johnny: Nanny?
D. J. Dan: Nanny, are you there?
(Sound of cricket chirping.)
D. J. Dan: Ah folks. Nanny. Did we make you wait too long? What happened?
Johnny: Past Nanny’s bedtime.
D. J. Dan: All right, let’s get another call. Let’s get another call. Who do we have?
Tonya: Line 15. Erica from New Jersey.
D. J. Dan: We are so huge in Jersey! If we were in Jersey it’d be spectacular. Sadly, we’re in California. Yes.
Tonya: Joysey.
Erika: Hi, am I on?
D. J. Dan: Yes you’re on. You’re on the air with D.J. Dan.
Erika: Oh wow. Hello!
D. J. Dan: And this is D.J. Dan.
Erika: Hi.
(Laugh)
Erika: Erm, so, when I was a…
D. J. Dan: Oh, OK you’re breaking up, can you kinda…
Johnny: Please deposit 25 cents.
(Studio laughter.)
D. J. Dan: O.K., let’s hear it again very slowly cause we’re having trouble hearing you, lets try that again O.K.
Erika: O.K. Can you hear me?
D. J. Dan: Yeah I can hear you great.
Erika: All right, when I was younger I was asked to take a test. And I was accepted into a program. And, now that I’m older, I’m wondering if I’ve been brainwashed.
D. J. Dan: Really now what are some of the signs that you’ve been brainwashed? Can you tell me? Do you speak in languages here-for-to unknown to you?
Erika: I don’t know but I’ve been having these weird dreams.
D. J. Dan: Yes, can you describe these dreams?
Johnny: In detail.
Erika: Well, ah, I would be, ah, running or, maybe on a computer. Or something…
D. J. Dan: Yes. Yes.
Erika: Really vague.
D. J. Dan: All right, all right, you know what? There’s something I wanna say to you, and listen to me very closely. Shutdown! Oh yeah, you know what folks, when I was younger, I took a test, right. And then I went to an academy, and then little green men trained me, and then I could shoot lightning bolts from my hand, and I don’t mean the dark side power lighting, no. I mean the light side pow.., power side lightning bolts called electric judgment O.K. That’s what I’m talking about. Jedi Dan! That’s who I am! O.K., folks…
Johnny: (Breathes like Darth Vader.)
D. J. Dan: I’ve had enough of this role-playing. Let’s have one more call, then there’s something I gotta talk about.
(Studio laughter)
Johnny: Oh, then!
Tonya: Line… (laughs). Line 7. Yashiva the Sword Master from Bar Harbor, Maine.
D. J. Dan: Ah Maine, home of many great Sword Master. Yashiva the Sword Master, are you on the line?
Yashiva: Yes I am on the line.
D. J. Dan: I see, will you draw weapons against me or will you speak to me placidly?
(Laughs)
Yashiva: I, ah, don’t really wanna duel today.
D. J. Dan: Excellent, we’re on the phone. It would be very cumbersome. What’s your question my friend, what you got to say to me?
Yashiva: I’m, I was just wondering, um, there’s a…
Johnny: Spit it out.
Yashiva: A… like through the Retrievers of Truth. There’s all these Lost fans who found out the password before the Hanso Foundation did. I’m wondering if there’s something going on with that, if like they found out if…
D. J. Dan: Well of course they found out the password, they’re super psychic dogs, they know everything. That’s the whole point, am I right?
(The Lost theme music plays.)
Yashiva: Well I’m wondering how ah…
D. J. Dan: Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead, ignore the sound effect. I know I do.
(Laughs)
Yoshiva: I don’t get it, its just all this…
D. J. Dan: O.K., O.K., first of all there’s one thing that you should know before we go any further, which is, shutdown!
(Studio laughter)
D. J. Dan: O.K., folks, guys. Retrievers of Truth, they’re supposedly psychic golden retrievers. They retrieve truth! If they’re talking about what they really are, then truth is being retrieved by these dogs. They’ll find it before we can do. Great TV series by the way, the “can do”. Folks, you know what, um? We’re gonna, we’re gonna have a song about the man and ah and then we’re gonna come back.
"The Loner" by Neil Young plays.
Intro music plays.
Johnny: You’re listening to Radio Harvest dot com. Music and more, anytime. Radio Harvest dot com. Your Internet radio provider. And now, coming to you live from an antenna on an island somewhere in the South Pacific, normally broadcasting a series of numbers, numbers so terrifying I won’t even go into it or say them out loud. It’s D.J. Dan! Shutting down the man!
D. J. Dan: Folks, I am shutting down the Man, that’s what I'm doing here. Now who's gonna be with us very soon? Rachel Blake, Persephone, ladies and gentlemen. The lady of the Experience, the so-called Experience. What they want you to think is an Experience instead of reality. But before talking about that, we're gonna talk about something very special here, something very interesting. That's right, announcer Johnny's bladder. Folks, I gotta tell you announcer Johnny...
Johnny: Don’t go there.
D.J. Dan: He’s been sitting here for over 15 hours preparing for this, he’s got his trigger finger ready, we're gonna catheterize the poor guy, I've never seen a look of agony on a human being like this. But folks! Before we go into that, and we will do it live, I'm gonna take a couple of phone calls, that's right, I'm gonna take a couple of phone calls here. Let's see what we've got going, Tonya? Who's on the line?
Tonya: Line 13, Tim from Rhode Island.
D.J. Dan: Tim from Rhode Island, line 13. Tim, are you on? Are you there, Tim? Tim, from Rhode Island? Earth to Road Island, RI.
Tonya: Timmy can you hear me?
(Sound of cricket chirping.)
D.J. Dan: Crickets, crickets O.K. Who do we have? Let’s hear another one.
Tonya: Ok. Tapdawg, Line 9, from Los Angeles.
D.J. Dan: Tapdawg! From Los Angeles (tapping desk) Oh, yes that's right. I'm feeling it. That's right, you can call me Slappy Ham Bone from now on. Tapdawg, you're on the air with DJ Dan, what you got?
(Dead air.)
D.J. Dan: Tapdawg what you got? You're on the air with D.J. Dan.
Johnny: Phone's not working.
D.J. Dan: Folks, it's terrible what's happening to our phones, I think it's the Hanso Foundation hacking our lines, if we don't get some phones up here were gonna have to go to Viewer Mail and how dull is that folks? I think you don't know how. Tonya, who else do we have?
Tonya: Line 14, Rance from Ohio.
D.J. Dan: Rance from Ohio on Line 14, Rance, are you there? Rance? You're on the air with Slappy Ham Bone.
Johnny: All of ‘em? Is it Slappy or Sloppy?
Dan: It's Slappy Ham Bone yes that’s my tap dance name. Rance, are you there? O.K., folks we're having some technical difficulties with our phone, we're gonna go to some Viewer Mail right now while we sort those out. Ok what do we have here; let's hear some Viewer Mail.
Tonya: From Mark, "Hey D.J. Dan."
D.J. Dan: Hey, Mark!
Tonya: "I was just wondering if you've gotten those powdered sugar-covered hands on a Golden Oracle Apollo bar, and do you still think that they're nanite-infested, now that we know that they're coming from one of our friends, Rachel Blake?"
(D.J. Dan whistles.)
D.J. Dan: Well, you know what? I would, I would not touch, I would not eat an Apollo bar with your mouth. O.K. folks, that’s what I'm saying, all right. These things are chock full of stuff, stuff I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy's dog, all right. Golden Oracle or not, O.K., just because my friend and yours, Rachel Blake, pulled a Wonka on this thing, does not mean you should be touching the stuff. We're talking nanites! Were talking a black swarming cloud of nanites! No wait! We're not! If were not talking about anything, it's a black swarming cloud of nanites! Do you all hear me! Johnny, do you hear me?
Johnny: Hear you.
D.J. Dan: Tonya, do you hear me?
Johnny: Impossible not to.
Tonya: Loud and clear.
D.J. Dan: All right! Marvin the Earthling, do you hear me?
Marvin: What?
D.J. Dan: Never mind.
Tonya: (Laughter)
D.J. Dan: There’s not a dark cloud of nanites, in anything, anywhere that I’m talking about! Tonya, give me another reader mail. What have we got going on?
Tonya: Juliana.
D.J. Dan: Juliana.
Tonya: "Hey Dan!"
D.J. Dan: Hey Juliana!
Tonya: "What do you think of William T. Ker, Kilpatrick’s disappearance and possible murder?"
D.J. Dan: All right, you know what, this is one where I gotta, I gotta defer to the wisdom of Marvin the Earthling on this one. Marvin, what's this all about?
Marvin: Ola.
D.J. Dan: Yes, what are we talking about there?
Marvin: Uh, William T. Kilpatrick was involved with, um, Jeep, in the, whole Compass fiasco...
D.J. Dan: Oh, you mean about how The Hanso Foundation...
Marvin: Organs, and, uh, basically, The Hanso Foundation bought all these Jeeps and the outfitted them for evil and what not, and driving across the countries and shipping organs and guts and brains.
D.J. Dan: So, Jeeps are now evil raiders, not just trail blazers...
Marvin: Basically William Kilpatrick was kidnapped and, um, it was horrible and basically uh, Rachel...
D.J. Dan: Uh, where was he kidnapped?
Marvin: Uh, he was sort of, um, perhaps making a public appearance of some sort...
D.J. Dan: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. This guy was talking to Rachel Blake... ?
Marvin: No, no, he wasn't talking to Rachel Blake at the time, he was just, he...
D.J. Dan: But he talks to Rachel Blake right?
Marvin: Yeah, sure.
D.J. Dan: And he made a public appearance and then he went...Folks! I'm making a public appearance and I talk to Rachel Blake. Oh my god! This is the worst thing that's ever happened! I'm making... all right look, folks, if you're talking to Rachel Blake, don't be like me, don't be like Billy! O.K., don't make public appearances! If you’re fighting the Man, you don't make public appearances! My god! O.K. when Madonna comes on, on that crucifix, is Rachel Blake hammering in the nails? No, she’s not! Of course not! You know why? Because she’s running away from the man! All right. Don’t ma… I’m making a public appearance right now! They’re gonna come and take me away! They know where I am don't they! They were here the last time! (Knocking on table.) If Tonya hadn't been a master of Jujitsu, we would have never gotten out of that. Folks, O.K., do we have the lines on? Do we have phones? All right let's take some calls; let's hear some calls.
Tonya: Line 14, Stephanie from Ohio.
D.J. Dan: All right, Stephanie from Ohio, Steph what you got for me?
(Dead air.)
D.J. Dan: Oh for the love of sweet God, people, where are my phones? You know what, speaking of doughnuts (laughing), speaking of doughnuts, um...
Tonya: We were?
Johnny: Doughnut of the Day.
D.J. Dan: Yes that’s right, oh, speaking of that I have to tell you, it's the point of the show where I'm feeling the dip of my energy reserves, contraction of the mitochondria. And that means it's time to bring out the old brown bag of delights and unleash the Doughnut of the Day! That's right, the Doughnut of the Day has been specially made by my wife, she said I'd love it, she said she wrote me a special note with it and today's doughnut is...
(Shuffling a paper bag)
D.J. Dan: Uh, a low-carb bagel.
Johnny: A low-carb bagel.
D.J. Dan: With fat-free cream cheese!
Tonya: (Laughter.)
D.J. Dan: This is not funny! This is a viola… This is a mutilation!
Johnny: Kinda funny.
Tonya: And what does the note say?
D.J. Dan: It says, and I quote, "I dreamt you died last night. I'm pretty sure I don't want that to happen yet, enjoy".
(Studio laughter)
D.J. Dan: Ah, my sweet wife, always with the veiled threats, which brings me to a little segment I like to call...
Johnny: (Heart thumping sound) The Threat Call of the Day!
D.J. Dan: You see folks, if you're like me, if you're poking your nose into the shadows to sniff out evil where it lives, chances are that schnozz of yours is gonna come back with a couple of extra holes in it. Now, you might think that that might deter a man such as me, you might think I might have headed for a higher ground or a greater pasture or something, but then you'd be flat out wrong, but as you know I’ve been recently locking horns with a little organization know as...
Johnny: (Sinister music plays) The Hanso Foundation!
D.J. Dan: That’s right they're weird, they're creepy, they're all together spooky (Snap snap). That's right, folks, they have a fondness for mint green lab coats but when it comes to threat calls, they're the metaphorical equivalent to a bowl of overcooked lo mien, which is why Johnny and I like to do a little interpretive sketch of our own threat calls. That's right, folks, just to keep things lively. Shall we try a few out?
Johnny: Yes D.J. Dan, but before we start I've been asked to say (clears throat). Today's Threat Call is brought to you by Widmore Construction. "We can crush you under an I-beam and say it was an accident! Don't worry, we're insured."
Tonya: Who asked you to say that?
Johnny: Um, did I tell you I finally… I’m going to be able to be putting that addition onto my house. It's really a pool!
D.J. Dan: O.K, O.K., O.K., Johnny, middle of page six. Will ya? Come on, threat me up.
Johnny: (Miscellaneous paper shuffling.) Middle of page six, ah. "That's right, D.J. Dan, you'll come home to find your chestnuts roasting over an open fire, and by chestnuts I don't mean chestnuts at all, what I really mean when I say chestnuts is that I'm going to take your..."
D.J. Dan: Shutdown! I think it’s a little bit too early in the year. It’s a little bit too seasonal; uh, page 24, from the top.
Johnny: (Clears throat) Page 24, from the top, uh, you want me to sing?
D.J. Dan: Oh, do I ever.
Tonya: Oh no.
Johnny: Exactly, you've heard me sing, haven't you Tonya? O.K. (clears throat and sings to the tune of “My Favorite Things”)”Razors and Blazers, and nails on mittens, a safe falls on Tonya, I drowned all your kittens...”
D.J. Dan: O.K., that's enough.
Johnny: (Still singing) “…Brown paper wrappers filled up with your spleens...”
D.J. Dan: O.K.! O.K.! O.K.! What is it with the threat calls? My god! Dear lord, it's a Von Trapp nightmare! (Shutdown sound) This could be a good one, page 12; start at the bottom.
Johnny: Page 12; start at the bottom, O.K. (clears throat) “Not only that, but I bought my V12 SUV outside of California, that's right, relaxed emission standards and I'm driving it more than ever, D.J. Dan, which means maybe, someday soon, you're facing a one degree rise in ocean temperature and when that happens, the ice caps will melt, the seas will rise, rendering your bluff top home ocean-front property, rendering it worthless!”
D.J. Dan: Come on, come on, when did Al Gore join the writing staff?
Johnny: Exactly.
Tonya: We have our own writing staff?
Dan: You know what, another crack, another dollar, Tonya. O.K. you know what, you know what, I, I, folks, there you have it, Threat Call of the Day!
Johnny: Wait, Wait.
D.J. Dan: Oh, you want to do the other threat call?
Johnny: Yeah.
D.J. Dan: I think some of our callers might wanna hear some D.J. Dan talking and actually get them on the line, but you know what, since your so pleased with this, Johnny, let's do the last threat call.
Johnny: (Laughing)
D.J. Dan: We were gonna drop it, but you can hear it now, give it to me!
Johnny: (Clears throat) “Uh, I just wanted to call in and say I'm your biggest fan and I hope you continue on in your radiant health with no falls down the stairs, or unexpected trips to the emergency room.”
Tonya: Dan, this guy is weird.
D.J. Dan: He's freaking me out.
Johnny: “I find your opinions stimulating and I encourage you to continue digging into the potentially criminal activities of The Hanso Organization.”
D.J. Dan: Uh huh. Strange isn't it? It seems like a threat call but it sounds just like the opposite.
Johnny: (With cynicism) “Wow, wonder why? I'm pretty sure it's not opposite day. Oh well, bye now D.J. Dan. Have a great night and by all means don't worry about the bag of death stalker scorpions I didn't leave under the driver's seat of your Green Jeep Compass. You have not been warned, D.J. Dan.”
D.J. Dan: Well, folks, under great duress, there you have it, the Threat Call of the Day!
Johnny: We might have… should have killed that letter.
D.J. Dan: I think we should have killed that bit, absolutely. But, you know what? Now the thing I wanna ask is, and I'm directing this to our engineers here, but if I get a call will I be able to get in on the line? Folks, we are praying here, we are praying. Praying for a call.
Johnny: Test call of the night.
D.J. Dan: Now, we're gonna test. We had some calls, this is our test call. Who do we have on the line?
Tonya: Line 15, Mr. Frosty, Toronto.
D.J. Dan: Mr. Frosty from Toronto, you are on the air with D.J. Dan.
(Silence, then sound of toilet flushing.)
Tonya: Oh no.
D.J. Dan: Mr. Frosty, are you there?
Tonya: Yeah? We hear something...
D.J. Dan: Yes, Mr. Frosty. I'm not hearing a damn thing. Folks, I don't know what’s going on with our calls, so I gotta tell you it's...
(Taps plays.)
Johnny: Ah, phone line is dead.
D.J. Dan: What happened? Guys, just keep calling in, we'll try and get to you. I really want to take these calls.
Tonya: I told you we had to pay the phone bill.
D.J. Dan: That's right, or perhaps it's my arch nemesis...
Johnny: (laughing) Oh, no, your just trying...
D.J. Dan: Folks, perhaps it's someone evil, somebody who wants me dead, my arch nemesis...
Johnny: (Sinister music plays.) The Hanso Foundation. Ha, ha!
D.J. Dan: All of this, all of this inability to take calls. Folks, were gonna try to make this up to you a little bit later. We’ve got a little more time before Rachel Blake calls us. You know what? Um, let's see, you know what, should we even try to get another call? Is this gonna happen for us? O.K., folks, you know what, I think we're gonna go to a song and try to work out our differences here. And then were going to take your calls. Let’s hit it!
"Take a Bow" by Muse plays.
Intro music plays.
Singing: D.J. Dan
Johnny: Coming to you live from the secret CIA prison under your local high school football field, it's D.J. Dan, Shutting down the Man! Supero Dupero Editione Especial!
D.J. Dan: Supero Dupero Editione Especial? Is that Italian? Is that Spanglish, what the heck is that?
Johnny: It’s Scriptese, it was written right here for me.
D.J. Dan: Oh my god! We're gonna have to talk to our staff about that. Folks, you know what, I've opened up a special phone line for Rachel Blake should and when she choose to call. I have it on good authority she's gonna be with us in a few minutes, but you know what, I'm gonna take some more of your calls because I think it's an important thing. I think it's something we need to be doing.
Tonya: Line 14, Speaker.
Johnny: Tonya, speaking on the announcer mic.
D.J. Dan: A little announcer...
Johnny: Tonya, the announcer.
D.J. Dan: Speaker, you're on live with D.J. Dan. On live with D.J. Dan.
(Dead air.)
Johnny: No, Speaker wouldn't hang up on us.
D.J. Dan: No, Speaker wouldn't hang up. Speaker is good! You know, even though Speaker is a little bit too close with that Javier Grillo-Marxuach guy...
(Not)Speaker: Hello?
Johnny: There’s Speaker. My MySpace friend.
D.J. Dan: Yeah! Wow, we got, we got, we got sound! Can I get a witness!
Johnny: Witness.
D.J. Dan: All right. Speaker, what do you got to say to me?
(Not)Speaker: Hello?
D.J. Dan: Yes? We tried like eight calls; you’re the first one to get through! I wanna talk!
(Not)Speaker: The island that we learned about, on the Sri-Lanka video, that Rachel helped us put together, well, Charles Widmore, who, um, helped Hanso, is he, uh, part of this? Is it possible that maybe he has a twin who he sent to the island? And his twin is maybe John Locke?
D.J. Dan: First of all, you don't sound like Speaker. And I know Speaker, and you don’t sound like him, he doesn't usually talk about conspiracies like that, he sounds like a fake conspiracy Speaker.
Johnny: Just like a fake Rachel Blake.
D.J. Dan: That's right. We've been getting fake Rachel Blakes all night, my friend. Is this the real Speaker or not?
(Not)Speaker: Yes.
D.J. Dan: I can say this to the real Speaker. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I hope it is! Because I'm going to be talking to you later, O.K.? I don’t think Widmore has an evil twin. What? Do you think he has a bad twin? Is that what we think? Dude, listen, O.K., people have good twins, bad twins, the whole thing, and that doesn't mean that every time there's some fictional manifestation of something there's gotta be a bad twin! That's what I'm talking about. You know what, “Speaker”, I'm not gonna shut you down, I'm just going to say, thank you for the call.
(Not)Speaker: Thank you.
D. J. Dan: Let's get another call in here.
Tonya: Line 7, Mike, from Tucson, Arizona.
D.J. Dan: Mike from Tucson, Line 7.
Mike: Yeah, it's me, ah, I was just wondering, ah, is Rachel Blake really Alvar Hanso's daughter?
D.J. Dan: I have uh, no idea, I mean I, uh. That's very interesting... do you think that she is Alvar Hanso's daughter? What do you think about that? Let's pretend that I don't know all the answers, for a second. What basis do you have, in terms of reality, A.K.A. "The Lost Experience" to say that? What makes you think that she is Alvar Hanso's daughter?
Mike: Uh, I really have no clue, I've just been reading blogs and stuff.
D.J. Dan: Well, yeah, but I mean, surely, there mus…Does she sound Danish to you?
Mike: What?
D.J. Dan: Is there something Danish about her presentation that makes you think, “Oh my God, I'm talking to Alvar Hanso's daughter?”
Mike: Uh, not really.
D.J. Dan: So it's purely just your experience with blogs, right?
Mike: Yep, pretty much.
D.J. Dan: All right, I'm gonna have to shut you down. Shut down! Folks! If you're calling to tell me somebody is something, then you'd better know why that, that somebody is who they say they is, am I right?
Johnny: (Laughing) Yeah, yeah, whatever you said.
D.J. Dan: You know what? You know what, I think it should be “Talk Like James Hetfield Day.” Today, today's the day when everything should call me and be like "H-zzaaaahhh". That's right, that's right, a little Metallica there for you, folks. Let's take another call. Let's take another call. I, uh, is Rachel Blake on the other line? You know, I, I, I would really like to get that phone line open for her. Let's take another call. Who do we have here?
Tonya: Line 5, Lost in Pennsylvania.
D.J. Dan: Right, how can you get lost in Pennsylvania? The Turnpike is so prevalent. Lost in Pennsylvania, are you there?
(Dead air.)
D.J. Dan: Lost in Pennsylvania...? Lost in Pennsylvania...? We've lost Lost ... Let's get ‘em on another line.
Tonya: Line 10, Derek from Evansville, Indiana.
D.J. Dan: Derek from Evansville, are you there?
Derek: Yeah, this is me.
D.J. Dan: Oh, O.K., it's me! Excellent, I thought it was Derek, but it turns out it was me! Well, thank god, I always wanted to talk to me!
Derek: Well, I had a question, because it turns out, on the Hanso Foundation website, with the world map, the secrets that you put in to get the next video, there's a secret area you can click that says "She was a member of the Foundation". Do you happen to know who that was?
D.J. Dan: Uh, I don't know, you know what? I'm going to go to Marvin the Earthling, my connection for all things dealing with "reality" to tell us a little bit about this. Marvin? You're Marvin the Earthling, now what, what do we know about all this?
Marvin: I have no idea what the question was because I was under the table and…
D.J. Dan: So, I'm very afraid of things myself.
Johnny: I can vouch for that answer.
Marvin: Please repeat the question, sir
D.J. Dan: Please repeat the question.
Derek: On the Foundation website where you put the statistics about the different countries for the video, there's a secret area… uh, go ahead.
D.J. Dan: No, no, you continue.
Derek: Well, there's a secret area and you can click on, and it says text backwards. And if you turn it in the mirror, it would say that she was a member of the Foundation. You happen to think that that was possibly like Rachel Blake or something?
Marvin: Rachel… O.K., for Starters, uh, hummmmm. For starters, Rachel Blake worked for Widmore, O.K. Do you really think she worked for the Hanso Foundation? She said herself, she worked for Widmore. Did She Not? Did she not!?
D.J. Dan: Did she not?
(Screaming and yelling in the studio.)
D. J. Dan: Have you ever worked in a forward area, son?
Marvin: I'm sorry, look, I don't want to get upset with you, but…
(Sound of heavy breathing).
D. J. Dan: Marvin, Marvin, Marvin, I think you have to go back under the table.
(More screaming, yelling and heavy breathing)
D. J. Dan: O.K. someone needs to take Marvin Down.
Marvin: Wahoo! (Echo)
D. J. Dan: You know what, you know what, I'm going to have to shut you down. Shut down!
Derrick: Oh, Shut down.
D. J. Dan: Folks, Folks, O.K. Oh my god. Is that the special red…? I think the special red light is on ladies and gentleman. That can only mean one thing
(Horn blares).
D. J. Dan: That's the line I set up, folks. Folks, we've talked about her… We've fought for her and we've yearned for her. And we've dream about her; oh, sweet candle-lit dreams. And without further adieu, the guest that makes this Shutting Down the Man special edition.
Johnny: The D.J. Dan interview with Rachel Blake.
D. J. Dan: That's right; it's Rachel Blake she's on the line, folks, Rachel, what's the haps?
Rachel: Not much, just running with the wedding plans. You have told your wife? Haven't you, Dan?
D. J. Dan: Oh, that wed... Honey, if you're listening, this girl's crazy. She's a crackup. I've been saying it from the beginning. Don't believe a word she says.
Rachel: Don't tell me you're backing out.
D. J. Dan: Backing Out? Did I ever front in? You have to be in to be out?
Rachel: Hmm, let's see? And I quote, “I'd like to get to know her, if you know what I mean.” You said that on your last show and tonight. What else? Oh yeah, “She's the light of my life. My PYT, my bride to be.” Sound familiar Dan?
D. J. Dan: Not a word. It's lies, lies, lies. I said… I never said a single one of those.
Rachel: Oh wait and how about, "candle-lit dreams"
D. J. Dan: Hey, low blow. I never said that; well not until like a minute ago. Rachel, I'm so sorry, a thousand apologies. You know I'm a liberal man and I use my words liberally.
Rachel: Well, you should be careful what you say to a girl, Dan. A mellifluous golden voice like yours, she might just take your words to heart.
D. J. Dan: Oh, Rachel. She… folks, this is why I can't help but profess my undying love.
Rachel: And I won't even mention the fact that you're old enough to be my father.
D. J. Dan: Oh, shut down, shut down. Oh, god, always gotta push the buttons, don't ya Blake? But in all seriousness, Rachel, we're thrilled to have you on the show and, and we're even more thrilled you're alive and well.
Rachel: Yes well, I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be alive.
D. J. Dan: Should we get down to it? Are you ready for the Barbara Walters?
Rachel: Um, I'm as ready as I'll ever be?
D. J. Dan: 'Cause I've got questions Rachel, a lot of questions, a lot of topics, you've got a ton of supporters, and a ton of doubters.
Rachel: Really? I hadn’t noticed.
D. J. Dan: So let's start it off with an easy one. We know you're calling from an undisclosed location.
Rachel: Uh huh.
D. J. Dan: Honestly, where the heck are you?
Rachel: Where am I right now or where was I five minutes ago?
D. J. Dan: Are you saying you're mobile; you're on a cell phone?
Rachel: I'm saying have you ever been chased through 8 countries in 12 days?
D. J. Dan: 8 countries in 12 days, No. I mean, 8 doughnut shops in 12 minutes, yeah. And which of these countries are you in right now?
Rachel: Um, to be honest, I'm not 100% sure.
D. J. Dan: Is… Is it one of the Stans?
Rachel: I don't know. Geography isn't one of my strong suits. I think a lot of your listeners would agree with that.
D. J. Dan: Are you referring to the map incident, Rachel?
Rachel: Could be.
D. J. Dan: Folks, for those of you who don't know, while she was tracking down the evil doctor Thomas Werner Mittelwerk, The nefarious Spider Protocol, Rachel made a little tiny mistake.
Rachel: Oh, try capitol offence!
D. J. Dan: She mistook a set of maps depicting 3 or 4 islands to be a set of places on one island. An island near the equator.
Rachel: Hey Dan, Last time I checked, Sri-Lanka was an island near the equator. So, I was partly right.
D. J. Dan: But you were also partly wrong.
Rachel: I know, trust me, I know.
D. J. Dan: O.K. now, some of your supporters went bat guano crazy on you for it, didn't they?
Rachel: That's one way of saying it I guess.
D. J. Dan: Well I guess the question on everyone's mind is this, how could she be so good at the hacking, at the Persephone stuff, and so not good at the real world Sidney Brisco, James Bond, Mission Impossible stuff?
Rachel: Ouch, um. Jeez, I don't know. It could be that I've spent that last 10 years of my life with my eyes glued to the computer monitor at my mom's house, and then the computer monitor in my dorm room, and then I had this really, really hellish terrorist badass computer in the basement of the Widmore Corporation Building. Seriously, it was badass.
D. J. Dan: You're referring to all your, ah, computer hacker training of course?
Rachel: I'm referring to the fact that I'm a geek. I mean Ren Faire Geek, not so much, but pissed off that I couldn't actually see Comic Con Geek, yeah I was, you bet.
D. J. Dan: So… so to refute some of the theories floating around about you, you weren't genetically engineered by Hanso to make some kind of super spy sleeper agent, am I right?
Rachel: Um, I'm going to have to go with a no on that one. I think you know that compiling flash does not necessarily equate to street smarts, D.J. Dan. If it did, I think most of the guys taking shots on me on a Friday night at midnight would probably be out with their girlfriends. You know who you are… (Quietly) Matt the Pale.
D. J. Dan: Oh, ho, ho, ho. Rachel Blake shooting fireballs at one of our favorite chroniclers takes it in the groin!
Rachel: Hey, I'm honest.
D. J. Dan: O.K. O.K. So, where did you learn to hack? How did you become this socially awkward comic book geek you are today?
Rachel: Uh, my mother was sick, the doctors were lying and I wanted her records.
D. J. Dan: Simple as that?
Rachel: Yeah.
D. J. Dan: Kinda vague.
Rachel: Ask me another question.
D. J. Dan: Oh, come on, what about that woman?
Rachel: No, Ask me another question.
D. J. Dan: No, all right, what do you think about Lost?
Rachel: It's not on my TiVo.
D. J. Dan: It's because of your orientation film, right.
Rachel: Um, no comment?
D. J. Dan: O.K., does Carlton Cuse really disgust you?
Rachel: It's become more complicated than that. What happened in Norway complicated things.
D. J. Dan: O.K., O.K., what happened in Norway?
Rachel: (Quietly) Um, not yet, O.K.?
D. J. Dan: O.K., O.K., let's move on. How about what happened at Comic Con? After you condemned the Lost panel, you said a lot of things. A lot of incendiary things to those people. How did you get out of there by the way?
Rachel: The same way I got a hold of that mic. I bribed the right people before hand. There was a panel truck waiting for me backstage at the convention center out at the loading dock. I knew Hanso's hit squad would be there and I was right. I lost 'em once I crossed the border into Mexico. But, I still spent 3 days on the beach in Fiero Negro just to make sure the trail went cold. But, I'm sorry, what did you say?
D. J. Dan: Well, yeah, after your Comic Con blow up, the very panel of Lost producers and actors they were photographed signing autographs, right? And they were wearing these hieroglyph armbands, all right? Your hieroglyphic wristbands with the codes to hansoexposed.com. Which side are those guys really on, Rachel?
Rachel: The truth, I don't know anymore. Look, I had an insider at the lost camp; he's the one that helped me. The wristbands were his idea. I don't think… I don't even know if the producers had any idea what those glyphs represented until later on.
D. J. Dan: O.K. so can you tell us who this “white knight” was?
Rachel: Ha, Ha. No.
D. J. Dan: Oh, come on, give us a hint at least and tell us something?
Rachel: Uh, O.K.. Well, how bout... O.K., in all the nations in all the world no one is as great as this guy.
Johnny: In all the natio...
D. J. Dan: Folks, folks, folks, folks, you guys figure that one out. All right, all right, so, so, so, so Rachel wait, so, so, so these glyphs for this video, they represent pieces of this video you shot in Sri-Lanka, the video outing Mittelwerk's plot to kill us all.
Rachel: You mean save us all by killing 30% of us? Did that bother you, too?
D. J. Dan: Yeah, just a little, Rachel.
Rachel: Yeah, think so. “Reaching out to a Better Tomorrow,” right?
D. J. Dan: So, so you went on the run with this De Zylva dude, we know the Hanso squad is on your butt, but why, oh why, did you have to break the thing up into so many damn pieces?
Johnny: My relationship suffered.
Rachel: I'm sorry Johnny, by the way I really enjoyed your recap.
Johnny: Oh, you've got great taste and you really inspire me.
Rachel: Ha, thanks.
D. J. Dan: Rachel, what happened? Why did you break it up like that?
Rachel: Well, I didn't want to break it up like that. It wasn't really a choice. You know, people have died helping me. Zander, Darla, De Zylva, I had to do my best to protect the truth of what Mittlewerk was doing but if I had sent it to one person or a group of people or put it on a website, I knew that with what was in this video, I just couldn't risk people's lives like that. And I thought that if I put this all out at once, are people actually going to believe it. Are they going to believe me, I mean it's pretty mad scientist kinda stuff. I wanted to get people talking. I wanted to get this frustrated… Bottom line? I wanted everyone watching.
D. J. Dan: Just like with the Apollo bars, right?
Rachel: Yeah, exactly.
D. J. Dan: Now, How did you pull that off exactly?
Rachel: Oh, I'll never tell.
D. J. Dan: Okay Rach. We've warmed up, we're loose, we've viben', now it's time to get to the real stuff. Not the hows, but the whys, Rachel, the whys. We all know, there's a difference between wanting to save the world and actually throwing everything you have out the window and risking your life to doing it. Most people don't have that in then, the people that do, they join the Peace Corps, they become missionaries, some like me they join the military which was in hindsight a mistake, but, but you went off and did this crazy global, global hacking thing, I mean Rachel what you've done is amazing. Why did you do it?
Rachel: Uh, I could tell you, but I don't know that you’d would believe me.
D. J. Dan: I wouldn't believe you? Why would a Conspirispy D.J…. Conspirispy audience not believe you, Rachel? You're like the Conspirispy of the year!
Rachel: Thank you.
D. J. Dan: Come on Rachel, come clean. Tell us why? Is Mittlewerk really your crazy uncle? Is Joop your long lost pet monkey? Are you related to Alvar Hanso? People want to know. I'm getting calls, what happened in Norway?
Rachel: Um, when I went to Noray.. Norway. Sorry. I knew the only way this would ever be done, the only way anyone would believe this was real was for me to get it on tape, and for me to get that tape to the authorities, which I did at the beginning of this week.
Tanya: Uh, D.J. Dan?
D. J. Dan: Oh god, Tanya, great jumping Jehoshaphat Tanya, you scared the bleeping bucky-balls out of me. Rachel, Rachel, please go on I need to hear this.
Tanya: Wait, Dan. Rachel, I'm sorry,
D. J. Dan: What are you doing Tanya, what's going on.
Tanya: I've got someone on the line. You can't believe what this guy is saying. You have to take this call right now.
D. J. Dan: If this is another one of these threat calls, Tanya.
Tanya: Dan, take the call!
D. J. Dan: Rachel, hold that thought. Caller you're on shutting down the man and if this ain't good I'm shutting you down to Chinatown.
Johnny: My sister, my daughter.
D. J. Dan: Yeah, great, great, caller? Go ahead.
James: Hi, D. J. Dan. My name is James. I’ll get right to the point. My friend and I, we have this little global network going on where we enjoy eavesdropping on all kinds of signals; civilian, corporate, scientific, military…
D. J. Dan: Yeah, yeah, James I’m with ya, I’m with ya.
James: And right now at this very moment. Excuse me (clears throat) we are listening to… (Aside: yep, hold on!) We are listening to an encoded highly secure government frequency. I don’t know if its police or military but if you’ll allow me I want to patch you through.
D.J. Dan: You want to patch us through?
James: You and Miss Blake and the rest of your conspiraspies have to hear this.
D. J. Dan: All right?!? Go ahead patch it through right now.
James: O.K. Hold on one second…
(Sound of radio transmissions…)
Alpha Leader: Report
Zulu Team: Zulu in position. Disable lift control?
Bravo Team: Bravo, front lobby secure.
Alpha Leader: You have visual on target?
Bravo Team: Yes sir, tenth floor!
Alpha Leader: Is that confirmed?
Bravo Team: It’s a white coat and black ponytail.
Alpha Leader: Lunatics and their hair! Boy!
Bravo Team: Ninth floor now.
Alpha Leader: Confirmed tenth floor.
Bravo Team: Look’s like we’ve got a staircase between lab levels 9 and 10.
Alpha Leader: Personnel count on nine?
Bravo Team: We count three. No, four.
Alpha Leader: Armed?
Bravo Team: I’m sure! Target moving towards the elevators!
Alpha Leader: Bravo, we’re moving!
Bravo Team: We’ve been made!
Alpha Leader: Zulu, cut power.
Zulu Team: Cutting
Bravo Team: Alpha, go! Go! Go!
Alpha Leader: Bravo take nine I’ve got ten.
Zulu Team: Power cut.
Bravo Team: Then why are we seeing lights?
Alpha Leader: They’ve got auxiliary
Bravo Team: Freeze!!
(Sounds of automatic machine gun fire and shouting)
Voices throughout: Freeze, get down, freeze!
Bravo Team: Behind you, behind you.
Alpha Leader: I see him, south corridor.
Bravo Team: Nine clear. I’ve got him cornered in an office. He’s barricaded.
D.J. Dan (in background): Who do they have barricaded?
Alpha Leader: We need a ram.
(Sound of door being broken down.)
Alpha Leader: Hands behind your back, knees to the floor.
Zulu Team: We’ve got him.
Bravo Team: No that’s not Mittelwerk. He’s a look alike. Repeat, our target’s still loose.
Zulu Team: Where is he?
Voice of Mittelwerk: Gentlemen, I’m sorry to have to do this…
Bravo Team: We’ve got a radio over here.
Voice of Mittelwerk: I can’t have my work compromised. You should run!
Bravo Team: The place is wired. Go! Go!
(Sound of people running…)
Voice of Mittelwerk: Namaste!
(Sound of large explosion and then radio silence…)
D. J. Dan: Oh, oh my, my, my god.
Rachel: Oh my god.
D. J. Dan: Rachel, that was the authorities! They were at The Hanso Foundation. That sounded like Thomas Werner Mittlewerk.
Rachel: Yeah.
D. J. Dan: Oh my god! Rachel, is this because of the video you shot? Is this because... Oh my god. Rachel. The world needs to know what's going on here. You need to tell us what's happening.
Rachel: O.K., if you want to know the whole truth, you will go to ABC.com in five minutes. It's all there everything...
D. J. Dan: We're gonna get them Rachel. Mittlewerk… Folks this is incredible. Mittlewerk appears to have escaped from a raid trying to find him, he's blown up the Hanso Foundation Building, Rachel we're going to get this guy, thanks to you right?
Rachel: Yeah, thank you, I gotta go! Bye!
(Screaming)
D. J. Dan: Don't… Folks, this is amazing. We were in there! We were listening to the raid on the Hanso Foundation. I don't know how many soldiers, police officers, Interpol. Folks, I, uh, uh don’t know what was going on there but you have got to go to ABC.com. Rachel has some very important information that she has to impart on you folks and this is just spectacular. I've never seen the like a live raid on the Hanso Foundation, this is beyond even I and Conspirispies could ever imagine. Um, you know I think you all should go to ABC.com. I'm gonna sign off. We're going to go off the air, folks, because right now it's just time for the truth and I think you all need to go there to check it out. So folks, this is D.J. Dan Shutting Down the Man. Johnny, give us something out.
Outro music.
Johnny: You've been listening to the D.J. Dan show, Shutting Down the Man on Radio Harvest dot com. Music, More, Any Time. Your internet radio provider Radio Harvest dot com.
D. J. Dan: ABC.com. Go there for the truth.
Johnny: Tune in now.
(Sound of talking in the studio…clapping…)
(Fade to song…)
Running length: approximately 1 hour 38 minutes
posted by The Alternative One at 2:09 PM
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