D. J. DAN LIVE INTERNET BROADCAST MARATHON (AUG. 11/12, 2006)

Transcript:

Static/reverb/man’s voice: Stand by… We don’t know anything…

D. J. Dan intro music plays.

Singing: D. J. Dan

D. J. Dan: Hunting down the man, folks. I’m D. J. Dan and this is my partner, Tonya, right in here with me and many of you have been wondering where I’ve been, folks. Why did the podcast just dry out one day? Why did I leave you all alone, picking up the pieces? Well people, turns out, after my little live chat with the conspiraspy formerly known as Persephone, my sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous Music) Persephone!

D. J. Dan and Tonya: (Laughter)

D. J. Dan: No, no, no lets try that again folks, my sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): Uh!

D. J. Dan: My sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (semi-whisper) The Hanso Foundation.

D. J. Dan: …brought down their pastel colored hammer of oppression on me and Tonya. So we’ve been away awhile, gathering strength, getting into adventures, walking the earth like Caine in Kung Fu. But we’re back folks, taking your calls at 800-942-4704. You call me. You ask, I answer. But you know, Tonya… Tonya, Tonya, Tonya, Tonya, you know what I can’t stand?

Tonya: Ah, an empty can of aerosol cheese.

D. J. Dan: Oh, so that was you huh?

Tonya: Dan, this gig isn’t exactly what you call catered.

D. J. Dan: Tonya, I feel that I feed you the satisfaction of a job well done. Is that not enough?

Tonya: Ask the can of cheese.

D. J. Dan: Oh, Tonya. Tonya… I repeat; do you know what I can’t stand?

Tonya: I know you’re going to tell me.

D. J. Dan: Tonya, what I can’t stand is reading, watching, breathing more news than ever but getting less from it than ever. And do you know why? Do you know why?

Tonya: D. J. Dan: Isn’t this entire show kinda devoted to this topic?

D. J. Dan: Tonya, Tonya, Tonya…. Because of the MAN!!!!

Tonya: Actually, two shows now… Back to BACK!!!!

D. J. Dan: It’s time for a new segment folks. A new segment that I like to call…

Announcer: (Johnny): Conspiracies in the news.

D. J. Dan: That’s right… Conspiracies in the news. Tonya, hit me with the first one will ‘ya?

Tonya: Video shows adults using kids to steal.

D. J. Dan: From the Associated Press. A woman turned herself into police today after a store surveillance camera captured footage of two small children sneaking behind display cases to steal thousands of dollars in jewelry. Apparently, on instructions from the mother and granddaughter. Folks, ah, this is a conspiracy, O.K., ah, why control the kids, why control the adults when you can control the whole family. We’re talking about orbital mind control lasers here. Conspiracy In The News. These are parents, they’re not using the kids, the government is using the kids. Tonya, shoot me another headline will ‘ya?

Tonya: Robot shopping carts follow you around.

D. J. Dan: From the Associated Press, folks, ah, its looks almost like any other shopping cart except sensors allow it to follow the shopper around the supermarket and slow down when needed so that items can be placed in it and it never crashes into anyone’s heels. Folks, I got a warning for you here, O.K., the story you’re being told here is not… basically it, it officially means we’re one step closer to…

Announcer (Johnny): Singularity!

D. J. Dan: The singularity, folks, the moment when all machine consciousness on the face of the earth becomes one and takes over. Didn’t the people who invented these robot-shopping carts ever watch Battlestar Galactica? We get these shopping carts, folks; you better start figuring out how to pilot a viper. That’s all I got to say to you, folks. Tonya, shoot me with another conspiracy story, will ya?

Tonya: You know anybody who needs an anti-stupid pill.

D. J. Dan: From Reuters. A German scientist has been testing an anti-stupid pill, folks, this is a scam. Anti-stupidity pills, c’mon, anyone stupid enough to take an anti-stupid pill is obviously beyond the point of help. The Man is just trying to make its job of tagging the expendable people even easier. You take the anti-stupidity pill, folks, you might as well draw a bull’s eye around your forehead, alright. Tonya, shoot me with the last headline here.

Tonya: Designer creates floating bed.

D. J. Dan: A designer creates a floating bed. From Reuters. A young Dutch architect has created a floating bed, which hovers above the ground through magnetic force and comes with a price tag of 1.2 million Euros. Johnny, how many dollars is that?

Announcer (Johnny): 1.45 million dollars.

D. J. Dan: Folks, folks, c’mon, this is a conspiracy. This is just the first step towards space efficient involuntary human electromagnetic body farming. Haven’t you people seen the Matrix? I have. You’ll float your way right into a system of bio-electric human batteries, folks. Let’s get another story here. I’m. I’m on a roll here. I want another story.

Tonya: Ooh, OK, Cypriots searching for phantom monkey beggar.

D. J. Dan: Is it a serious Ape? Someone’s pet monkey? The product of overactive imaginations? Ahh, folks, c’mon this is a hoax. It’s really the chupacabra.

Tonya: The what?

Announcer (Johnny): El Chupacabra.

D. J. Dan: Let’s have Johnny tell ya, Tonya.

Announcer (Johnny): El Chupacabra.

D. J. Dan: El Chupacabra, folks. The chupacabra. We’re talking about the Puerto Rican vampire monster. O.K. Actually the chupacabra has been spotted in Argentina, Bolivia, all over Central America. Let me tell you about the Chupacabra. Everyone knows the island of Munedo, which is less than five miles off the coast of Puerto Rico between Puerto Rico and the Dominican Republic is actually host to a NASA facility. And the chupacabra may just be an alien escaped from that facility. Folks, you heard it hear first. Tonya lets hear the next question. Let’s hear the next headline. Can you give that to me?

Tonya: Huh, Bush takes three history books on vacation.

D. J. Dan: Associated Press. Crawford, Texas. President Bush’s vacation is shorter this year and so is… folks, folks everybody knows that when the President goes to his ranch in Crawford, Texas he’s not there to unplug, he’s there to plug in, folks. He’s recharging, all right. How do I know this? All right, Presidential debates, couple of years ago, a mysterious box in the back of President Bush’s, ah, jacket, folks. There’s a device inside of vise-president Chaney’s ribcage, ladies and gentlemen. I see a remote control receiver and a remote control-a-meter. Folks, you heard it here first. You know, why can’t these reporters, these journalists, rise to the challenge of the day and report the real story? Why can’t they stamp out their fear and stand up to their giganto-global corporate bosses. You ever hear of the Great Man Theory, Tonya?

Tonya: Yep.

D. J. Dan: You know where I’m going with this?

Tonya: How could I ever?

D. J. Dan: Ah, well, for those of you who don’t know conspiraspies, the Great Man Theory basically looks at history plotted around the actions and lives of great men and women. You know what I’m talkin’ about! Without Orville Redenbacher, microwave popcorn just does not exist. Without Lyndon Johnson making a deal with the Roswell aliens we don’t get Velcro. Great men, people. Now mind you when I say great I don’t always mean good, conspiraspies. Greatness comes in all shapes and forms. Greatness can be evil. Stalin. Sadaam. Mr. Burns. Hitler. Hey, without Adolph Hitler World War II does not happen. At least not the way it did. But then again without Churchill and Roosevelt, Einstein, Oppenheimer that very same war does not go our way. The Fascists win and I’m stuck wearing jackboots and folks, D. J. Dan does not look good in jackboots.

Tonya: Amazing how you always bring it back to you, D. J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, that’s a talent. Back to today… Where are the heroes, people? Where’s today’s Rosa Parks? And by the barnacled beard of Poseidon what kills me… what keeps me hopped up on fizz, sugar, and powdered doughnuts banging my head against the wall, is that I even have to ask the question. Why? Why in this age of instant information, of real-time video, of genocide and injustice, why in this age of irrefutable evidence of the alien conspiracy taking place in the highest levels of world government do we even need these heroes? Why aren’t we, the masses, getting it done? Why aren’t we shutting it down? Do we honestly believe that by the mere inertia of our frustration we’re going to get anything to change? C’mon people. Look at Al Gore. Look at Al Gore. Loses the presidency in 2000. Big loser. Or as Johnny likes to say…

Announcer (Johnny): Big loser!

D. J. Dan: That’s right Johnny but then something happened. He takes that anger, the frustration stirs it with love he has for his country and the planet and he does something. Al Gore devotes himself to save the earth from global warming. And even though he’s completely missed out on the Zeptown Six collection, folks, the boy might actually do it. The way I do it with the show. I take all the nasty, bad and awful, I throw in a little D.J. Dan humor in it and spin it around look it in the eye and feed it to you conspiraspies so you can do something about it. I turn the problem into the solution. Hell, I even have some fun along the way. Ain’t that right, Tonya?

Tonya: Still waiting for that day!

D. J. Dan: Oh, Tonya, will you marry me? Now, critics out there like to dispute the Great Man Theory. They say its all small events piled up, waves upon waves, creating a tidal change. You know that whole butterfly flaps its wings and there goes New Orleans point of view. But I say we need our great men and great woman. Without them things don’t happen. Things like Watergate. I’ll say it once; Nixon does not resign if not for Woodward and Bernstein. It’s a fact! And that’s what I see when I read the news. I see the wrong story being told. But I’m here to tell you right now. I’m here to tell you about our very own Woody and Bernie versus Tricky Dick match-up that’s happening right now and nobody’s talking about it. I’m talking, of course, and oh lord, I feel the spirits…

Tonya: Oh boy….

D. J. Dan: Tonya feels them too!

Announcer (Johnny): Testify!

D. J. Dan: Testify!

Tonya: No, I don’t.

D. J. Dan: Tonya, whatever you do don’t. Tonya, I’m talkin’ about an organization that it’s both above moral and international law. I’m talkin’ about a group of people that refuse to tell one straight truth. Not even one so simple, who’s running the damn place? Is it Alvar Hanso? Is it Mittelwerk? Is it Bugs Bunny? Who? We don’t know. But I think conspiraspies that you know what I’m talkin’ about. I’m talkin’ about pure evil and delicious Apollo Candy coating. You do know and if you don’t you should know, I’m talkin’ about my sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation!

D. J. Dan: And folks I’m talkin’ about the one person who’s truly stood up to these creeps. The one whose pretty neck is not only on the line but over the line. I’m talkin’ about Rachel Blake conspiraspies. She shut down their website. She exposed their crimes. She followed them, risked her life, chased them to Sri Lanka to film whatever the hell’s going on with this so-called Spider Protocol. And she’s shown it all to us with no regard to her own personal safety. Hey, she is a hero! But hey, I like you have a lot of questions. That’s what this show is about. Unanswered questions. I want to know what you think about Rachel and everything else. Do we need her? What’s her personal agenda? Is Persephone he Bad Twin? Or her real alias? Ha! Ha, ha, h, ha, ha! Just who the heck is this girl? Does it matter? Has she not galvanized us? Is she not a great woman? You know what, Tonya? I think that Rachel Blake needs to be conspiraspy of the year!

Tonya: Alright.

D. J. Dan: There you go folks… Conspiraspy of the Year! Thank you! Whooo! C’mon everybody! C’mon.

Sound of people clapping and yelling.

D. J. Dan: Can you give it to me?

Announcer (Johnny): Conspiracy of the year!

D. J. Dan: Well folks, I think Johnny’s been hitting the Red Bull a little hard tonight but you know what folks? Right now, right now, you know I could just go on about unanswered questions, I could go on ranting, hell, I could even play you a song about the man, but you know what were going to do folks? You know what I’m gonna take the first of your calls right now! I wasn’t supposed to do this until like five minutes from now but were getting swamped. We’re getting calls from all over the place at 800-942-4704. And the lovely Tonya is pickin’ out callers. Tonya who do we have?

Tonya: Line number nine, Christopher from New York.

D. J. Dan: Christopher from New York, ah, Chris, ah, you’re on live with D. J. Dan.

Christopher: Hey D. J. Dan, I just wanted to ask a question, do you know anything about the
Valenzetti Equation, or um the DHARMA initiative?

D. J. Dan: The Valen, the Valen, what… Of course I know about the Valenzetti Equation! Folks, of course I know about the Valenzetti Equation, the Valenzetti Equation, as we all know those of us who’ve been tracking the movements of Rachel Blake, is the equation that is supposed to predict the end of the world. It was designed by Italian mathematician, Enzo Valenzetti, am I right?

Christopher: Yeah.

D. J. Dan: Well what d’ya wanna know about it? What is your theory about the Valenzetti Equation?

Christopher: Well its, of course, everyone knows it predicts the exact years and months, but I was wondering, who like when, you know, when?

D. J. Dan: Oh you mean when, well you mean like think D. J. Dan here is running the Valenzetti Equation like I’ve got a bunch of trained monkeys and a room with a bunch of calculators running this equation telling me the end of the world. Do you think I’d be here, do you think I’d be ranting here about doughnuts, about Berlin, about god knows what if I knew when the world was ending? Of course I wouldn’t. I don’t think anybody knows Chris, and by the way, as for the DHARMA initiative, well you know what, I once mistook the DHARMA initiative for the Karma Imperative, but ah, but Tonya set me right and it turns out the Karma Imperative is actually the band that Keith Strutter was in before he was in Geronimo Jackson. (Laughs). So folks, that’s all I got to say about that. Chris thank you very much for your question, we’re gonna take, we’re gonna take another caller. ‘Cause I’m lit! I’m ready! Give me another caller Tonya!

Tonya: Line five, from Amwok in Seattle.

D. J. Dan: Yeah hi, Amwok in Seattle. What is your name?

Vin: Ah, my, name’s Vin Murphy.

D. J. Dan: Vin Murphy, Vin do you have a question for D. J. Dan? Do you have an observation? Do you know where Alvar Hanso is?

Vin: D. J. Dan. Ah yes, D. J. Dan. I’d like to know if you have any connections with Alvar Hanso or Rachel Blake?

D. J. Dan: Oh I’ve got a connection with Alvar Hanso alright. He’s only the head of the corporation that I call my sworn nemesis…

Vin: Really?

Announcer (Johnny): The Hanso Foundation.

D. J. Dan: That’s my connection to Alvar Hanso, I hate his guts! Alright, Rachel Blake, I’ll tell you about Rachel Blake. She’s lovely, she’s delightful, she’s sparky. She knows a thing or two about computers folks. She called my show, I’m in love. That’s my connection to her. You know what, I’ve got even more connections to Rachel Blake, I’ll tell ya what I know about Rachel Blake. Rachel Blake has actually contacted me through very surreptitious channels and given me, given me, a hint about the location of something we like to call a glyph, or as Johnny likes to call it…

Announcer (Johnny): Super glyph!

D. J. Dan: That’s right. I know where the next glyph is folks. Well, maybe not the next one, but I know where a glyph is going to be sometime in the next week and if you stay tuned to D. J. Dan, I am going to tell you exactly where that glyph, well I’m gonna give you a hint ‘cause, you know, nothing here comes for free of course. So folks, you gotta stay tuned, you gotta keep your calls coming in 800-942-4704. And you know what? I think we got time for one more caller before we go to song, what do you think Tonya?

Tonya: Great.

D. J. Dan: Excellent.

Tonya: O.K. on line seven, we’ve got Matt from Freemont, California.

D. J. Dan: Matt from Freemont, California. Matty, you’re on live with D. J. Dan.

Matt: Hey D. J. Dan, I just had a quick question for ya.

D. J. Dan: Well then you better give it to me quickly.

Matt: Well, um, there’s a rumor going round the internet that you’re actually Peter Thompson of the Hanso Foundation.

(D. J. Dan, Tonya and Johnny all laugh)

D. J. Dan (interrupting Matt): But folks, I…ah Matt, Matt, I gotta tell you something O.K.?

Matt: O.K.

D. J. Dan: That question will be addressed in the show, just not right now. But I have a whole segment about that, cause I feel I need to talk about it. The idea that I could be connected to the Hanso Foundation, folks, its ridiculous, it’s ludicrous. I’m shutting down the man. I’m shutting down… You know what, Matt, Matt Matt, Matt. Matt, can I ask you something politely?

Matt: O.K. sure.

D. J. Dan: Would you mind if I shut you down?

Matt: No let me…

D. J. Dan: Shutdown!

Matt: But Rachel Blake…

D. J. Dan: Shutdown!… Well folks we’re a little bit slow on the trigger here at D. J. Dan but I promise you by the time we careen into our third hour you’ll be hearing those sound effects like that! Here we go…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) Shutdown!

D. J. Dan: Folks we’re gonna go to a song, one of my favorite songs about the man and we’ll be back with more of your calls and more of our segments coming right up.

The song "Ohio" by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young plays.

Singing: D. J. Dan!

Monster.com advertisement plays.

Singing: D. J. Dan!

Announcer (Johnny): Coming to you live, from the end of the rainbow, its D. J. Dan, Shutting down the Man! And now, once again, D. J. Dan!

D. J. Dan: Folks, I'm D. J. Dan, I'm back, and I'm takin’ your calls. 1-800-942-4704. Folks, in our last segment, I said a little something about a woman that I like to call Rachel Blake, or Persephone, perhaps. Folks, I love her, she loves you, that's why she's fighting out there for us, for you, for me, and there's something that we want to talk about here that has to do with Rachel Blake. And that is glyphs. Or as Johnny likes to call them…

Announcer (Johnny): Mega-glyphs.

D. J. Dan: Glyphs, folks! You're looking for them, I'm looking for them, Tonya, are you looking for the glyphs?

Tonya: Hell yeah!

D. J. Dan: All right, that’s what I'm talkin’ about! My mother’s… Johnny, you looking for them?

Announcer (Johnny): Sniffing out the glyphs.

D. J. Dan: That's right folks. Well, you know what? I happen to know where, uh, one of the next glyphs is gonna show up. There's a bunch of them, and I know where one of them’s gonna come. But I can't just hand it to you folks, because that would be contrary to the whole spirit of conspiracy, it would be contrary to the whole spirit of D. J. Dan. Nothing comes for free. Well, actually, my lovely, mellifluous voice comes to you for free from the internet, right through…

Announcer (Johnny): Radio Harvest… Your internet radio.

D. J. Dan: That's right folks. So you want to know where this glyph is gonna show up? Well folks? Well, it isn't gonna be on the Intranets, if you know what I'm talking about folks. It's gonna be somewhere live, somewhere physical, it's gonna be in a physical space. You wanna know where that space is? I'll tell you right now. I'm not gonna tell you. I'm gonna give you a hint. It's gonna appear on Monday, it's gonna appear on Monday, and it's gonna be prominently on display somewhere in a major American city.

D. J. Dan, Johnny, and Tonya: Ooooooh.

D. J. Dan: That's mysterious.

Announcer (Johnny): America.

D. J. Dan: That's right. If you're in the U.K., you're listening just from Australia...

Tonya: The heartland.

D. J. Dan: That’s right… No. No, it's not in the heartland. It's a major American city.

Tonya: Oh.

D. J. Dan: That's right Tonya.

Announcer (Johnny): Metropolis.

D. J. Dan: That's right. You gotta listen to me, D. J. Dan, once, once for a change, folks. Alright, but you know what, folks? Now, you've got...

Tonya: Only if you pay me.

D. J. Dan: Well you know what? I pay you with the satisfaction of a job well done. I pay you with the knowledge that you work alongside a great man! Folks! I'm tired of tooting my own horn. I think we need to talk to someone, from, from, from, from out there, from the world, or something I like to call…

Announcer (Johnny): You ask, he answers.

D. J. Dan: I ask, no, you ask, I might ask, I might ask you something. Do we have a caller? Tonya?

Tonya: Line two, Peter from England.

D. J. Dan: Peter from England. Peter!

Peter: Hi, Dan?

D. J. Dan: Yes it is Dan. Is this Peter?

Peter: Oh, yes, it's Peter.

D. J. Dan: A pleasure to meet you.

Peter: You go on.

D. J. Dan: No, no, you go on, please.

Peter: Dan?

D. J. Dan: Yes, I'm here.

Peter: Hello?

D. J. Dan: Yes, Peter, it's D. J. Dan. I'm here for you. Come on, let's hear it.

Announcer (Johnny): Not America.

Peter: I was wondering if you had an opinion on where Rachel's mum is. Is she still alive?

D. J. Dan: Rachel's mother. Hmm... That’s interesting because I've been getting a lot of questions about Rachel Blake's mother. Is she still alive? You know what? The fact is, there is no information out there about Rachel. What do you think about Rachel's mother? Do you think she's still alive?

Peter: Can anybody hear me?

D. J. Dan: Yes, we can hear you; we're hearing you right now. Peter, are you there? Folks, we seem to be losing the...

Tonya sings "Peter, can you hear me?" (To the tune "Tommy" by the Who.)

Peter: (unintelligible)

D. J. Dan: Well, folks, we're gonna talk about whether Rachel's mom is alive. But, Peter, I wanna know what your opinion is on Rachel's mom. Do you think she's alive? Folks? Folks, we're losing the signal, folks. I’m sorry Peter I'm gonna have to shut you down. Shutdown! Let's talk about Rachel's mom. I don't know where Rachel's mom is. I don't know that Rachel knows where Rachel's mom is, she's a mystery character, she's shrouded in secrecy. But then again, so is Rachel's father. Huh? That's all I'm saying. As in, "Rachel, I am your father." (In Darth Vader voice) That's right folks. You know what, you know what folks, I'm feeling frisky. Let's take another call. Tonya, who you got for me?

Tonya: Line five, Tyler in Ohio.

D. J. Dan: Tyler in Ohio. Tyler, you are live with D. J. Dan.

Tonya: Tyler?

D. J. Dan: Tyler, are you there? Hey, how ya doin?

Tyler: What do you really know about the Hanso Foundation?

D. J. Dan: What do I really know about the Hanso Foundation?

Tyler: Give it up… we know you know soemthin’...

D. J. Dan: Oh, I know all sorts of things about the Hanso Foundation. You know what, you know what? I could do an hour, I could do two hours; I could do three hours about the Hanso Foundation! I mean, okay? Let's talk about torture and the Hanso Foundation, O.K.. They torture monkeys, O.K.? They have an orangutan in captivity. They torture autistic savants at the Hanso Foundation, alright? They torture everyone. Hey, they torture me with their damn commercials, that's what I'm talking about. You think I like watching that pompous blow-hard Thomas Mittlewerk pontificating on television about “spirited debate”? Folks, the guy squashes spirited debate. I've seen it; he was squashing it outside my door the other day, folks. That's what I'm talking about. You wanna know what I know about the Hanso Foundation? You stay tuned, because I'll tell you what I know about the Hanso Foundation.

Tyler: Yeah?

D. J. Dan: I'm sorry? Yeah, you know what? I'm having a little communication issue here. I think we're gonna shut this call down. Shutdown! All right, you know what folks? I think now that we've taken a couple of calls, and I'm sorry that I’m shutting so many of you down, it's not that I don't love you, it's because you exasperate me. Folks, talking about things that exasperate me, one thing that exasperates me is the topic of our next segment here it is...

Announcer (Johnny): Dangerous substance of the day...

D. J. Dan: Folks, we talk about dangerous substances here all the time, and most of the dangerous substances are engineered by the man. That's right, I'm talking about Benzine, Polyditectrahexamono octazine, I'm talking about Polydichloriceuthenol, but folks, what is our Dangerous substance of the day? Our Dangerous substance for today is parsley! Freakin' parsley folks! It does nothing! It smells funny and grows in abundance and I get the feeling that it's a lot smarter than it looks. How can an innocuous little green thing wind up in every one of your meals, folks? It’s everywhere… It's in your breakfast, it's in your lunch, it’s your dinner...

Tonya: Dan?

D. J. Dan: Yes, Tonya?

Tonya: It actually does do something...

D. J. Dan: Oh, it does? What does it do?

Tonya: It freshens your breath.

D. J. Dan: No no no, that is a lie. That is a lie spread by the man. Folks, I bet if you look it up, if you look it up, you’ll find that there is some white Anglo-Saxon Protestant mesomorph out there who owns a massive parsley plantation. That's what I am talking about.

Tonya: Dan.

D. J. Dan: Tonya, don't eat the parsley.

Tonya: Ah, I have a feeling if it were on a doughnut, you would eat it.

D. J. Dan: Well Tonya I mean... I… you know, you know... O.K., this just ticks me off to no end,
Tonya. You know what? How could you put doughnuts and parsley together like that? Doughnuts are the most benign, beautiful, wonderful, glorious substance on the earth, and you're talking about...

Tonya: But wait, you would eat it, wouldn't you?

D. J. Dan: Doughnuts have been around for almost 5,000 years Tonya. It's in the Bible. O.K. The Old Test… there are doughnuts in the Old Testament, that’s what I’m saying here... I mean they were suppressed by the man obviously, there in the back, anyway, the point being, the point being, in over 5,000 years of doughnut history, there has never been such thing as a parsley doughnut, and there never will be. Folks, I'm tired of this talk about doughnuts. I want to go to some calls, or as Johnny likes to call it…

Announcer (Johnny): You ask Dan answers.

D. J. Dan: You ask, I answer. O.K., who do we have, Tonya?

Tonya: Line five, Rara, Rarra? Simeena, from Anchoz, Alabama.

D. J. Dan: Oh my god, we've got to talk to that person.

Tonya: Did I say that correctly?

D. J. Dan: I don't know. Let's get her on the line. Hi, you're on live with D. J. Dan. Line five. Rara Simeena, from Alabama.

Rara Simeena: Actually I’m from Anchorage, Alaska.

D. J. Dan: Anchorage, Alaska? How did we get Alabama out of that? I'm firing our screeners, each and every one of them. (Sound of whistle) Now, how do we pronounce your name, please?

Rara Simeena: It’s Rara Simeena.

D. J. Dan: Rara Simeena. That is a lovely name. So, tell me. It's-it's-it's-it's not as lovely as Daniel Lapinsky though, but, you know, we take what we get. Ok, so what is your question?

Rara Simeena.: Um, actually I was wondering what you thought about the video fragment we got yesterday with the guy who was supposedly Alvar Hanso?

D. J. Dan: Now wait a minute… here's what I want to know. How do you know that guy’s Alvar Hanso? What makes you think that guy’s Alvar Hanso?

Rara Simeena: Personally, I do not think he is, but a lot of people on the internet are saying he is saying he is.

D. J. Dan: All right now, what makes you think that it's not Alvar Hanso? My feeling is that I think that he's probably some progenitor of the DeGroots. That's my personal theory. Why do you not think that he's Alvar Hanso?

Rara Simeena: I don't think he is just because of the picture we previously got of him from the U.N. council, from 1967...

D. J. Dan: Yeah, bit of a Dirk square-jawed in that picture, wasn't he?

Rara Simeena: Right.

D. J. Dan: Uh ha, The guy in the video, he looks kinda soft, kinda, kinda soft around the chin, doesn't he?

Rara Simeena: Yes, he does.

D. J. Dan: O.K., is that the sole basis of your theory?

Rara Simeena: Partly, and I just don't think that Alvar would be on the orientation videos himself.

D. J. Dan: Why do you think that Alvar wouldn't do that for himself? That's very interesting.

Rara Simeena: I just think he's too secretive to come out in the open like that.

D. J. Dan: Well that raises a very interesting question… Do you think Alvar is secretive or do you think that maybe someone is hiding him?

Rara Simeena: Actually, it could be either way.

D. J. Dan: Either way?

Rara Simeena: I really don't know.

D. J. Dan: I see... You know what, you know what? Can I do something right now?

Rara Simeena: Sure.

D. J. Dan: Would you mind if I shut you down?

Rara Simeena: Sure. Go ahead.

D. J. Dan: Shutdown! You're a great sport. Thank you very much. O.K. folks, I'm gonna take one more call. Let’s take another call. Who do we have here?

Tonya: Line two. We have Kipper from New Zealand.

D. J. Dan: Kipper from New Zealand, on line two. Kipper, you're on with D. J. Dan.

Kipper: Hey, hey, what's up man?

D. J. Dan: Not much, how are you doing?

Kipper: I'm doing good. Listen, I'm also known as GateKipper on the net, I wrote the song “Song for Rachel”.

Tonya: (Laughter)

D. J. Dan: You wrote a song for Rachel? Could you hum a few bars for me?

Kipper: Ah, yeah, oh man, I forgot how it goes.

D. J. Dan: You forgot how your song goes?

Tonya: You wrote the song, and you forgot how it goes?

Kipper: Dude, I'm nervous man. I'm in New Zealand, and this is America.

D. J. Dan: That is a affair to remember with you and Rachel, huh? So Kipper, you wrote a song about Rachel? So clearly, you are for Rachel. You like the Rachel Blake, right?

Kipper: Totally, man, totally.

D. J. Dan: So what is your question? What do you got for me today?

Kipper: Well, um, you know how you're sort of connected with Rachel and all that?

D. J. Dan: Well, I'm not as connected as I'd like to be, but I think I know what you're talkin’ about.

Kipper: Yeah man, well, you know, us brother's have got to stick together, so I was wondering if you could give me her number?

D. J. Dan: Dude, if I had Rachel's number, do you think I'd give it to you. I don't know that Rachel has a number. Rachel is underground my friend, she is underground, incommunicado. You know what? Rachel Blake, right now, I don't think that anyone can find her. I think that if she had a number, it would be right in the hands of my arch nemeses…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation. (Sinister voice)

D. J. Dan: And I think that's why she does not have a number. Thank you so much for your call Kipper, really appreciate it.

Kipper: I heard that, my friend.

D. J. Dan: Folks, you know what, folks, that was our last phone-call answer, and I'd like to go to a little something I like to call:

Announcer (Johnny): D. J. Dan's mailbag!

D. J. Dan: That's right, I have a bag, it's a brand-new bag, and it carries mail. Folks, I've been getting mail all week since we posted our covert email number. And ah, Tonya, you've got some questions from me, from online. What do you got?

Tonya: Lets see… from Joseph.

D. J. Dan: Uh-huh.

Tonya: He says: In the grand scheme of all things conspiracy, how many people are at the top of the food chain? I mean, are we battling a handful of crotchety leftovers from the Cold War era, or are we pitted against an army? An army of mis-informers and miscreants.

D. J. Dan: Oh, dear Lord! What, did you write War and Peace? Who is this, Marcel Proust?

Tonya: Hold on! There's more.

D.J. Dan: There's more? Oh dear lord!

Tonya: To put it in real-world terms, I know I should be vigilant when going to the bank or the DMV. But should I also keep up my guard at the dry-cleaners? And the liquor store? Wrangling “The Man” can be tiring work. Just wanted to know if there is ever a break?

D. J. Dan: Ah. Let's take a break right now from fighting the man, shall we? Who is this? Is it Marcel Proust writing this freakin' email?

Announcer (Johnny): Sounds of snoring.

Tonya: (Laughter)

D.J. Dan: I mean, good lord, I had a birthday while you were reading that, O.K. Let me tell you something. There is never a break from fighting the man. He's got more?! He's got more?!? No...
Tonya: A bonus question...

D. J. Dan: Oh dear lord! I like to answer the first one, if you please. You know what folks, there is never a break from fighting the man. Talk to Rachel Blake. She's out there, she's underground. She’s got no phone number Kipper. You hear me? No phone number. You wanna know why? Because she's out fighting the man. And not just the man, it's the man in the shape of my arch nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation. (More sinister voice) He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he.

D. J. Dan: Folks, that's all the time I got for D. J. Dan's mailbag. We'll do a little bit more of that in a second... But first, you know what? Before we go back to taking calls, before we go to another song about the man, I'd like to address something, and that something that I'd like to address is...

Announcer (Johnny): Top five misconceptions about D. J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: Folks, top five… there are many misconceptions. These are the top ones. Let's start from, let’s start from the bottom.

Announcer (Johnny): At number five!

D. J. Dan: D. J. Dan is not Peter Thompson. Fenris, you are wrong!

Announcer (Johnny): Number four!

D. J. Dan: D. J. Dan is not an employee of the Hanso Foundation. Which is why I'm not Peter Thompson. How can I be Peter Thompson if I were employed at the Hanso Foundation, which I'm not? O.K. folks, let's get to another one.

Announcer (Johnny): At number three!

D. J. Dan: D. J. Dan is not the other D. J. Dan, folks. D. J. Dan is a techno D.J., his name is D. J. Daniel Wherrett. He's world-renowned. He's worked with some of the best in the business, including New Order and Depeche Mode. Tonya you like Depeche Mode?

Tonya: Love 'em. Just some.

D. J. Dan: Let me tell you something. Martin Gore's voice makes me go all dreamy. Folks, folks, there is a real D. J. Dan out there. Respect him, love him, buy his stuff, he’s fantastic.

Announcer (Johnny): Number two!

D. J. Dan: D. J. Dan is not Speaker! Folks, Speaker? Speaker? That guy looks like some commandante Marcos from Chiapas. Have you seen his picture? Good lord! I am out there. You can see my receding hairline in my pictures. That is right. And now…

Announcer (Johnny): And the number one misconception about D. J. Dan…

D. J. Dan: D. J. Dan is not Javier Grillo-Marxuach. I don't know who that guy is O.K.? Some writer-producer from that awful insidious show Lost, who is out there looking a lot like me in photos, folks. I am not that man, O.K.? First of all, he said that I have a reedy voice. Folks, this melodious, golden baritone is reedy? What is he talking about? And I want to talk to you about that T.V. show Lost, O.K.? First of all, I don't know what kind of people take money, folks, from my sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation. (High pitched) He, he.

D. J. Dan: I don't understand how they can take money from the Hanso Foundation. With their commercials on the air and do this massive narrative fictional narrative about how great the Hanso Foundation is, building hatches on islands and stuff like that. That guy Javier Grillo-Marxuach wrote for that show, those guys are insidious, their awful, and they disgust me, and they disgust Rachel Blake. You know what? I was at Comic-Con, and I saw Rachel Blake, and those guys had the temerity, had the guts, the huevos, to pull out the Opus Dei argument. Opus Dei? All right, look we all agree that "The Da Vinci Code" was one of the most researched books in the history of publishing. I'm not gonna deny that. However, it’s one thing for Dan Brown to tell the truth about Opus Dei, it is another thing for these guys, these monkeys, who write and produce Lost, to go up there and say, “That because Dan Brown used Opus Dei in his book, it's okay for them to use my sworn nemeses…”

Announcer (Johnny): (ominous music) The Hanso Foundation. (Squeaky high voice)

D. J. Dan: Folks, it is evil. You do not take blood money from the man. They take money from the man. I am not Javier Grillo-Marxuach. I'm telling you that right now. All right folks, we got time for one more call before we go to a break? Who do we have here, Tonya?

Tonya: Line fifteen.

D. J. Dan: Line? Do we have fifteen lines? Holy mackerel!

Tonya: Apparently we do.

Announcer (Johnny): Too many lines.

D. J. Dan: Who's on line fifteen?

Tonya: Alex from New York City.

D. J. Dan: Alex from New York City. Alex, are you there?

Alex: Yeah, I'm here D.J.

D. J. Dan: O.K. Do you got a question for me Alex? Because time is running out!

Alex: Alright, well, what do you think, why is Rachel Blake doing all this, why do you think she's trying to expose the Hanso Foundation… Apart from their being evil, what are the personal reasons that they have?

D. J. Dan: Does it… Do you think it takes any reason other than just than the mere presence of evil to be galvanized like that, did you not hear anything I said about, uh, about the Great Man Theory?

Alex: I've been listening, but I you know, there's got to be some personal thing…

D. J. Dan: What? Oh you think it's personal, and why do you think its personal Alex? Let’s hear your theory, you know?

Alex: Well, you saw the thing at Comic Con, right?

D. J. Dan: Absolutely, I was there in the audience, I had a copy of The Middle Man, it's a great book. So tell me.

Alex: Yes, did you notice that she said she's living proof of Alvar Hanso?

D. J. Dan: That she is living proof? I think she's living proof, that all of the things that are in that fictional narrative of "Lost" are actually real and that it's all going on in our world as we speak, and that those people are taking blood money, I don't know if that meant anything other than that. But look, if I knew that one the top rated shows in television was advocating the cost of my sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation. (Whispering)

D. J. Dan: I'd be up at Comic Con talking back to those guys as well, I don't know that that means she has any kind of connection to it, I just think she was there because she's galvanized against evil to, see the way… Do you agree?

Alex: Well, yeah but… There's got to be something, she mentioned her mother, and she mentioned a Widmore severance package, everyone knows that Widmore and Hanso, there's something on between them. Mittelwerk and Hanso…

D. J. Dan: Well, everybody knows that Widmore and Hanso are connected, we also know that Widmore, that Widmore, Hanso and Paik are connected, I mean, we've all read that incredible, uh, non-fiction book Bad Twin haven't we?

Alex: Uh, yeah.

D. J. Dan: Alright, alright, alright, so then I think we all know that there really are connections between all of those things. It’s evil, it's terrible. I'm not so sure about Rachel, look, all I know about Rachel Blake is that I love her deeply, and folks, with that, with that in mind we are going to… I am going to say thank you for the call and we are going to go to another song about the man and we'll be back in a couple of minutes with more of your calls. 800-942-4704.

The song "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield plays.

(Note: During the playback of this song the mics in the studio were left open and unintelligble discussion takes place under the song.)

Singing: D. J. Dan

Jeep Compass advertisement plays.

Singing: D. J. Dan

Announcer (Johnny): From under the rotted wood plank in your uncle Frank's front porch, it's Shuttin' Down The Man, and here's D. J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: That's right folks I'm shuttin' it down, you know what folks, I love my Jeep Compass, that's right I drive it, I drive it away from the man! Folks, conspiraspies have all been there, hard day of work; kids cryin' in the backseat, the store's out of bear claws, and that thunderstorm just threatening to ruin your family's weekend picnic to Devil's Tower Do, do, do… do doo (D.J. Dan sings the Close Encounter ditty). Oh yeah, you got a throbber, a header.. a headache that just will not quit, and then you notice, not only is your head pounding, but you can't get any darn reception on your radio tuner. (Static) Yeah, that's right, that's right. Well conspiraspies that means, it's time to ask yourself…

Announcer (Johnny): Headache or bug planted in your skull?

D. J. Dan: Is it just a headache, or do I have a bug planted in my head? Folks, I'm not going to lie to you, it can be tough to tell. The Man is sneaky and he always wants to listen to your words and thoughts. But here are some guidelines that may help you through this all too common crisis. Number one: When you take an Ibuprofin, does the headache go away? If so, it might just be a headache. Huh, how about that? I like that. Guideline number two, when you hold a magnet to your head, do you feel something moving around? Does the pain shoot toward the magnet? Is the magnet now stuck to your face? If so, it might just be a bug, or as Johnny calls it…

Announcer (Johnny): A bug in your skull!

D. J. Dan: Guideline number three, if it is a bug, do this little trick: Whack yourself in the head with a tuning fork. It may not knock the thing out, but it will give your eavesdroppers a mighty good ring in the ears and folks, I like that. Tuning fork equals love. Guideline number four: When you walk by men in black suits standing by black SUV’s with black sunglasses and communications jacks in their ears, do they sorta, kinda follow you around? Do they look at each other and giggle? If so, you might just have…

Announcer (Johnny): A tick in your noggin.

D. J. Dan: (Laughs) Johnny, I love you. Guideline number five: Around the same time you got the headache, did you also find a Halliburton Case containing a recorded message from yourself, telling you to get your ass to Mars, and instructing to put some horrible painful terrible device up your schnoz, to remove the bug planted in your head, if so you might just have…

Announcer (Johnny): A flea in the cerebellum.

D. J. Dan: Folks! Thank you Johnny, and now you know what? It's time for another edition of…

Announcer (Johnny): You ask Dan answers.

D. J. Dan: That's right… I'm taking your calls at 800-942-4704. Who do we have on the line Tonya?

Tonya: Line eight, from Andrew in Los Angeles.

D. J. Dan: Andrew in Los Angeles you're on the air with D. J. Dan.

Andrew: Uh, hi D. J. Dan, uh, long time listener, first time caller in.

D. J. Dan: Oh, excellent, thank you very much Andrew.

Andrew: Oh sure. I have a question, I was over at Comic-Con a month ago, and uh, Carlton Cuse…

D. J. Dan: Now, hang on a second, hang on a second, you were at Comic-Con? You were at Comic-Con?

Andrew: Yes, I was at Comic-Con.

D. J. Dan: Well, what books did you pick up?

Andrew: I, I didn't actually get the glyphs, I took pictures, but I didn't get em'.

D. J. Dan: The glyphs? No, no, no I'm talking about books, comic books; you were there for the comic books weren't you?

Andrew: No, I went to find out more, uh, from Rachel Blake.

D. J. Dan: Oh well, uh excellent, well give me your question, well, well, well, what do you have to say?

Andrew: Uh well, Carlton Cuse talked about the uh, The Global Makeup Consortium by Maybeline, and I wanted to know if you knew more about that.

D. J. Dan: The Global Makeup Conversion by Maybeline?

Tonya: Who?

Andrew: Yes.

Announcer (Johnny): Maybe it's Maybeline.

D. J. Dan: Maybe it's Maybeline, folks, I'm shutting this call down. Shutdown! D. J. Dan don't talk about make-up I'm a man!! A Man's Man! If a man talks about make-up he ain’t a man!!

Announcer (Johnny): Testosterone.

D. J. Dan: That's right here at D. J. Dan. I want another call, one that doesn't talk about make-up. I got nothin' going with make-up, alright, Tonya? Who do we have on the line?

Tonya: Line two, Rontie, from Ohio.

D. J. Dan: Rontie from Ohio on Line two, Rontie, are you on the line?
Rontie: Hello?

D. J. Dan: Hey, this is D. J. Dan.

Rontie: Hey D. J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: So what do you got for me?

Rontie: I received something in the mail today, well, let me back up because I don't want to give out too much information.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, I don't think you should, it sounded pretty creepy my friend.

Rontie: Yeah, well I'm really freaked out. A couple days ago this… I was watchin' Jimmy Kimmel on ABC and there was a commercial for this candy, this Apollo thing.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, yeah, yeah… C'mon speed it up.

Rontie: I got a box of Apollo bars today…

D. J. Dan: Shutdown! Folks, folks, the Apollo bars, c'mon this is the private chocolatier of my sworn nemesis...

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation (Long, drawn-out sinister voice) Ha, ha, ha.

(Laughter by D. J. Dan and Tonya)

D. J. Dan: Thank you Johnny. Folks, the man is greedy, the man is evil, the man doesn't want you to have the good chocolate. That's right. M. David Benson created a chocolate that is, ah, chocolaty at the molecular level folks. It is a scientifically engineered chocolate… It's one of the greatest chocolates of the 21st century. I have had an Apollo bar from the days before they were taken over by my sworn nemesis...

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation (Rapidly)

D. J. Dan: And it was delightful. And that's why Alvar Hanso took that crap over, that's why he's got it and he ain't givin' to us folks 'cause he's the man, lets take another call.

Tonya: Line nine, oh, no name, Unseen Presence from Los Angeles.

D. J. Dan: We have an Unseen Presence from Los Angeles.

Unseen Presence: Hey D. J. Dan, how are you doin'?

D. J. Dan: Hey, Unseen, or is it Mr. Presence?

Unseen Presence: Uh, Mr. Unseen Presence.

D. J. Dan: Mr. Unseen Presence, how formal. How long have you been listening to my show?

Unseen Presence: Since the first time I found it on a podcast.

D. J. Dan: God bless you man. So what you got for me?

Unseen Presence: I got a real question for you Mr. D. J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: Oh, well thank god because, you know what I've been getting crap all night.

Unseen Presence: How can a television show about Flight 815 start the same night that Flight 815 actually crashed?

D. J. Dan: Shutdown! Folks, folks, I'm talkin’ M. C. Esher. I'm talkin’ Albert Einstein. I'm talking about Schrodinger's Cat, O.K. If you got to ask that question, what do you not know about? I'll tell you what you don't know about, M. C. Esher, Albert Einstein, and Schrodinger's Cat, and if you don't know what I'm talkin’ about, you don't know what I'm talking about. I don't know what you're talking about, and we don't understand each other. Do we understand each other? Let’s, let’s get another call. I’ve had enough of this.

Tonya: Line fifteen.

D. J. Dan: Uh huh, Line fifteen, who do we have?

Tonya: Oooh, Ninja.

D. J. Dan: Ninja!

Tonya: From Australia.

D. J. Dan: It's the Lost Ninja! That's right, Ninja you're on the line, it's D. J. Dan. Yes, Ninja?

Ninja: Hi, Hey.

D. J. Dan: Hey, how you doin'?

Ninja: Really well thanks, really well. Glad to see that there's more ninjas out there fighting the truth.

D. J. Dan: I am an honorary ninja. That is true. It happened in Kyoto, I saved a couple of drunken ninjas from a bar fight and they made me an honorary ninja. I got a black sash to prove it. It's fantastic.

Tonya: Except I always kick him.

D. J. Dan: Ah, yes I did, but they love me for it. So, ninja what you got for me?

Ninja: Well, alright, you spoke to Rachel Blake a little while back on your podcast…

D. J. Dan: I did.

Ninja: And we haven't heard from you in a few weeks.

D. J. Dan: That is true.

Ninja: Now, since that time she has come back to the states, and, you know, she hasn't been seen since Comic-Con, but, she quite obviously has been helped hacking the ABC Podcast. Dan.

D. J. Dan: Uh, yes?

Ninja: Are you involved with Rachel? Have you two been on the fly together?

D. J. Dan: You know what? I am, I am like the guy at the sporting event, who’s got his shirt off, and half of him is painted red, and half of him is painted blue and he's going "NINERS", that's me with Rachel Blake, folks. I'm not involved with Rachel. I'm just there. I'm watching her. I'm egging her on, because that's what I do, because I'm a fan of Rachel Blake. Because she's fighting the man in a way that few of us have the guts to ever fight the man. Do I have a connection with Rachel Blake? I'm not saying, I'd like to have a connection with Rachel Blake, but folks, I'm just a fan, I'm watching her, I'm eggin’ her on, and a helping her out. And every once in a while, I might get a message, that happens, and you know what, and as a result, my sworn nemesis...

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation (With vibrato)

D. J. Dan: ... have come after me, that's right with their pastel colored hammer of oppression, but folks, it’s all about helpin’ her out, that's all I'm doing. You know, if she chooses, she deigns to honor me with her presence, that's all I got my friends, Thanks a lot Ninja, I appreciate the call. What's going on? Uh yes, Tonya, you got something for me?

Tonya: We need to take one more call.

D. J. Dan: We need to take one more call, why's that?

Tonya: Line six, Idan from Israel.

D. J. Dan: Idan from Israel.

Tonya: Idan, how you doin?

D. J. Dan: Hey, you're live with D. J. Dan, Idan from Israel.

Idan: Hallo?

D. J. Dan: How are you doin?

Idan: Hi, D. J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: It is D. J. Dan indeed, how can I help you?

Idan: Yeah, I’d like to ask a question, will you ever show yourself to the public?

D. J. Dan: Will I ever show myself to the public, well you know what? I've already shown quite a bit of myself to the public and all it has brought me is comparisons to that jerk writer Javier Grillo-Marxuach so frankly I'm not so sure I wanna show my face, who knows who they're going to compare me to when they see what I look like.

Announcer (Johnny): He's got a face for radio.

D. J. Dan: (laughs) That's right Johnny. Idan, what else can I help you with?

Idan: Ah, can I ask another question?

D. J. Dan: Absolutely, I'm begging you.

Idan: What kind of music do you like and will you ever make a CD?

D. J. Dan: Well you know, ah, actually, ah, ah, ah, I'm very well known for my mellifluous soul voice, I'm actually quite good, I was gonna give old Sam Cooke a run for his money, but I decided to fight the Man instead. Idan, thank you very much for your call, I truly appreciate it. Folks, it's time for me to give you a second glyph hint, no, actually, yes I want to talk to you about the second glyph, O.K. because you know, Rachel has deigned to call me on occasion and I try to help her out, so folks, a major American metropolis, I told you this last time, in a very touristy area. You want to see the glyph, It's gonna happen O.K.? Folks, ah, it's time for a little something I like to call… The Threat Call of the Day, that's right folks, it's a threat call of the day because lots of threat calls to choose from, every once in a while, Johnny and I just like to enact them for you, in a kind of reparatory company style. Johnny? O.K., lots of threat calls to choose from, Tonya, what are we, what are we feeling like today?

Tonya: Uh, how about something sophisticated?

D. J. Dan: Nah, nah, no I don't like that.

Tonya: Scary?

D. J. Dan: Yeah.

Tonya: Stupid?

D. J. Dan: Bingo, Tonya, the one thing I want tonight is for Johnny to reenact a stupid threat call for me.

Announcer (Johnny): (Laughs)

D. J. Dan: It'll sooth my nerves. O.K., lets try this one, Johnny…

Announcer (Johnny): Uh humm…

D. J. Dan: …middle of page eight, shall we uh, go to the middle of page eight? Alright, middle of page eight. Ladies and gentlemen, now our announcer, Johnny will perform a real live threat call to D. J. Dan in his best announcer voice, lets hear it.

Announcer (Johnny): And then, I'll throw you out the window onto your green Jeep Compass.

D. J. Dan: Oh, for the love of god, nah, let’s not do this one, oh, how about middle of Page twelve, that's a good one.

Announcer (Johnny): You might find yourself the victim of a most uncomfortable fire, and I don't mean a fire in your fireplace, no, imagine if you will that your whole studio is the fire!

D. J. Dan: Shutdown! Good god, who wrote… who sent in that threat call, my god it sounds like Leo Tolstoy, how pedantic. Let’s go to the top of page fourteen, let’s renact that one O.K.?
Announcer (Johnny): 50 pounds of silly putty, and make you read the news backwards while you're naked in a…

D. J. Dan: No, no no no, ok stop it stop it stop it, I don't like that one, you know what? Oh lets do this one in its entirety, page twenty-two.

Announcer (Johnny): You ask, D. J. Dan answers.

D. J. Dan: O.K., caller you ask I answer.

Announcer (Johnny): Dou dask bye banswer!

D. J. Dan: Uh.. O.K.?

Announcer (Johnny): Noh, Nobay.

D. J. Dan: Oh boy.

Announcer (Johnny): Oh hoy!

D. J. Dan: Tonya do you know what this is don't you?

Announcer (Johnny): (Mumbles unintelligibly.)

D. J. Dan: Well, the great jumping Jiminy Jehosophat threat caller and that didn't even rhyme!

Announcer (Johnny): (Mumbles unintelligibly again) (Laughter)

D. J. Dan: O.K., O.K., already I get it, I get it.

Announcer (Johnny): I can keep this up all day, D. J. Dan!

D. J. Dan: Yeah, you're pathetic, you're a monkey, you know that?

Announcer (Johnny): Monkey nushrunkey!

D. J. Dan: Shut down, shut down… there you have it, folks, a reenactment of one of my favorite threatening calls… Folks, you know what, folks, we’re gonna take one last call before we go to a song about the Man, one of our favorite songs about the Man… And who do we have, we have…

Tonya: We have on line five… Speaker.

D. J. Dan: Speaker, or as I like to call him, Sir Commandant Marcos of Chiapas. Speaker, you’re online with D. J. Dan, let’s hear it...

Speaker: Yeah, I was sitting around, and I was…

D. J. Dan: Dude, wait, wait, Speaker, Speaker…before you get into whatever your question is, I’m sure it’s scintillating…

Speaker: Yes, it’s very scintillating…

D. J. Dan: Are you the same guy who runs the fan page for Javier Grillo-Marxuach?

Speaker: I don’t even know who that is.

D. J. Dan: OK, you’d better not be, ‘cause otherwise, I’m shutting you down. Better not be the same guy. Whacha got for me?

Announcer (Johnny): Nobody does.

Speaker: I was just wondering about this Spider Protocol, what do you know about it, could it be some sort of boy band? What could it be?

D. J. Dan: Spider Protocol, the boy band, that’s very exciting.

Tonya: (Singing) Bye, bye, bye…

D. J. Dan: That’s right, that’s right. You know, Speaker, um, you know, Spider Protocol…The word… What do you think? Do you think it’s an acronym? Do you think it’s talking about real spiders…

Speaker: I think it sounds like the Alan Parson’s Project to me…

D. J. Dan: The Alan Par--Oh wow, the finest progrog-band of the 70s and 80s… WOW…. The Alan Parson’s Project…

Speaker: Was this like the progenitor to Geronimo Jackson? I mean is this…

D. J. Dan: Now actually, wait a minute, wait a minute… First of all, Geronimo Jackson’s a progenitor to Alan Parsons… Geronimo Jackson was the 60s, O.K.… Keith Strutter started the band in the 60’s alright. So let’s not get him and Alan P… Like Alan Parsons was running tape for the Beatles when Keith Strutter started Geronimo Jackson. That’s what I’m saying. So O.K., um, Spider Protocol… O.K., you know what… you ever see that movie Wild, Wild West, with the spider-shaped robot, I sometimes just think Alvar Hanso just has one of those big spider robots that he’s going to take over the world with, am I right?

Speaker: Yeah, well, I uh… I…

D. J. Dan: Andy. Speaker, come on, come on, give it to me, give it to me… (Did he just call Speaker Andy? The Alternative One)

Speaker: I think that’s a very good idea.

D. J. Dan: Alright, you know that’s what I’m talking about. Speaker, can I just do one thing here, very gently, just very softly, very loving way…

Speaker: You may shut me down.

D. J. Dan: Shutdown! Folks, I think it’s time for a song about The Man. We’re gonna take a break, we’re taking your calls… 800-942-4704.

The song “Imagine” by John Lennon plays.

Announcer (Johnny): Coming to you live…

Singing: D. J. Dan.

Announcer (Johnny): You’re listening to D.J. Dan. Shutting down the man!

Verizon Broadband advertisement plays. (D. J. Dan announcing - Broadband commercial from Broadband stories.)

D.J. Dan intro music plays.

Announcer (Johnny): (Roar!) From the Headless Horseman’s pumpkin, it’s Shutting Down The Man with D. J. Dan! Call him now 800-942-4704. And now… D. J. Dan!

D. J. Dan: Folks, it’s, it’s true, when D. J. Dan recorded that spot for Verizon, he had a nasty, nasty head cold. That’s right folks, you heard it here first. Trivia, behind the scenes, that’s what we do here…But folks! Before we go to take your calls at our 800 number, I’d like to do, I’d like to do, a little something that Johnny, not me… Johnny likes to call…

Announcer (Johnny): Conspiracies! Scam or hoax?

D. J. Dan: Conspiracies, scam or hoax… Tonya…

Tonya: Hmm, conspiracy.

D. J. Dan: Really? Hmm, how bout that? Why don’t you shoot me one and I’ll tell you how it is! (Laughs)

Tonya: The Kennedy assassination.

D. J. Dan: Conspiracy! It was really the Kennedy suicide, folks. Everybody knows this, he shot himself, watch the knoll, folks… gimme another one…

Tonya: Low carb diets.

D. J. Dan: Scam! Stay warm for the winter…buy my book, The Doughnut Diet, 30 Days to a Fatter You.

Tonya (Singing): Hey, hey we’re the Monkees!

D. J. Dan: Conspiracy! Everybody knows that title sequence had more to it than they were letting on. It wasn’t just comedy, folks. Mickey was Michael, Davey was Peter, Peter was Larry and Ronny was Mickey. You heard it here first. All part of the US government Sub-Saharan name swap fiasco of ’66. Tonya, shoot me with another one…

Tonya: Ich bin ein Berliner…

D. J. Dan: Scam! That was a scam perpetrated to cover another Kennedy conspiracy. Which you know what? Leads me right into…

Announcer (Johnny): The Doughnut of the Day.

D. J. Dan: Ah yes, The Doughnut of the Day. Ask yourself this, Conspiraspies. Are you feeling down? Low energy? Is that yellow, fizzy beverage with the massive sugar kick no longer doing the job of keeping you awake during those long hours of scouring the interweb for evidence of The Man’s crimes against the world? Now, let me tell you, friends, you’re just like me. I was right where you are now. Years back, that is, until I discovered the delectable delight of doughnuts. That’s right, conspiraspies, I’m talking about the world’s favorite old school snack. Nothing but carbs and fat fried up! At 190 degrees Celsius, and glazed, iced, sprinkled, rolled or filled with the confection of your choice. Tonya likes chopped liver in her doughnuts.

Tonya: It’s true.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, to each their own. Even you. Now, if you know anything about me…

Announcer (Johnny): Disgusting.

D. J. Dan: That’s right, not only disgusting, it’s also repugnant, or as Johnny likes to say…

Announcer (Johnny): Repugnant.

D. J. Dan: Now, if you know anything about me, it’s the powdered cake doughnuts that have held the place nearest and dearest to my heart. But, in the interest of the international community… we’re talking UNICEF here, folks… in order to bring you all together, we give you another installment of…

Announcer (Johnny): Doughnut of the Day.

D. J. Dan: Now, let’s see, today’s doughnut… Guys, can I have a little cheer for the doughnuts?

(Cheering, clapping, train whistle)

D. J. Dan: That guy over there, that’s actually Luis, the D. J. Dan roadie. He brought us here… He actually makes it possible for us to broadcast from an entirely different location each week. It takes him hours to carry that equipment around. Folks! Today’s doughnut, the Berliner, hails all the way from sunny Germany, and is intimately tied to that very phrase I was just discussing, “Ich bin ein Berliner”. You see, in a speech President Kennedy gave on June 26th, 1963 in West Berlin to illustrate the United States’ solidarity with the newly walled-off Berlin, many believe that Kennedy made a little translation error, and many believe erroneously that he said “I am a jelly donut”. A little more about said doughnut, known in Berlin as the “feinkuchen.” The Berliner, AKA, the Bismarck is a solid, ovular mass, usually filled with jam. And, man, mmm, yum, oh lord, oh! I’m Sally in that movie! Now, despite all the jokes you’ve heard, the whole bit about Kennedy telling the citizens of Berlin, “Ich bin ein Berliner” or “I am a jelly doughnut”? It was not a mistake, folks. That whole thing is a scam. In reality, Kennedy’s speech was part of a conspiracy. I think we all know that in the United States, there’s a tremendously, vastly powerful confectioner’s and baker’s lobby. Folks, how do you think Kennedy got elected, O.K.? That’s what I’m talking about. He had backing, it was from these people. And that, my friends, was the first ever known, uh, known incident of presidential product placement. You heard it here first. I am a Berliner. I am a doughnut. I am a jelly doughnut.

Announcer (Johnny): The Funfcoughkin Foundation!

D. J. Dan: My sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (ominous music) The Hanso Foundation. (Sinister voice)

D. J. Dan: I was hoping you were gonna say the doughnut name, my friend. Alright. You know what? Let’s try that again, folks. My sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): The Fonfcof… (Laughter) One more time…

D. J. Dan: Let’s try that one more time…

Announcer (Johnny): One more time… The Fonf… (Laughter)

D. J. Dan: Folks, folks, I think Johnny hit that uh, that Vat 90 a little too hard before the show, because he’s just lit! I’ve never seen anything like this, it’s been a long time, man. I don’t know what happened here, you’re like Dan Rather on election night.

Tonya: John, you’re cut off.

D. J. Dan: That’s right. Luis, take that bottle away from Johnny, it’s killing me… (Laughter) Folks, I think we need to do a phone call.

Tonya: Line four; we’ve got Congested from NYC.

D. J. Dan: Are you actually congested? You’re live with D. J. Dan…

Congested: Um, yeah, I actually am, I took the day off from work today…

D. J. Dan: I see, I actually thought you were stuck in traffic, but that’s an LA joke… (Laughing) Folks! Congested…

Congested: No, no car… So yeah, yeah, D. J. Dan, yo, what are your thoughts on nanotechnology?

D. J. Dan: My thoughts on nanotechnology? I’ll tell you what I think about nanotechnology. First of all, nanotechnology is a scam! It is a hoax, the idea of thousands of microscopic robots? It’s like something out of a show on UPN… I don’t know about this nanotechnology… I don’t believe that it exists… but you know what, if nanotechnology exists, which I don’t think it does, I don’t think there’s such a thing as nanotechnology. I sure as hell don’t think you’re going to be seeing it on your television screens anytime around September of this year. Folks, I’m shutting down this call… Shutdown! Alright, alright, why don’t we talk about stuff that’s real, why don’t we talk about something better than nanotechnology. What do we have here on the phone?

Tonya: We’ve got Christian, on line nine.

D. J. Dan: Did you say Christian, or question?

Tonya: I said Christian, from St. Louis.

D. J. Dan: From St Loueeee. Christian, you’re on live with D. J. Dan.

Christian: Dan, I’ve have a question for you.

D. J. Dan: Thank god!

Christian: Yeah, tell me about it. What do you think of the rumors that Enzo Valenzetti himself may still be alive and well?

D. J. Dan: Well, you know, it’s interesting that you bring that up. I mean… do you think Valenzetti’s alive?

Christian: It’s possible. I mean, no one saw him die, no one saw him take a bullet.

D. J. Dan: It’s very interesting, you know, because Valenzetti has more death stories surrounding him than… well, I mean, I don’t know who. He’s like the Enrico Caruso of a, of a, of a, enigmatic Italian mathematicians. Let me tell you about Valenzetti, O.K., Valenzetti in the 60s was rumored to have died in a plane crash, alright. In a serious plane… He filed no flight plans, right? And somewhere over the Alpinees, boom, he’s dead, am I right?

Christian: You’re right.

D. J. Dan: However, fewer people know that there’s a theory that he died in the 1970s of leukemia. That’s right, and there’s another theory that in the 1980s, he was caught in the wheels of a combine in his farm on the Swiss Alps. So, I mean, so it’s quite possible that he’s still alive. In fact, the other conspiracy theory on Valenzetti is that he is still alive and he is working for the Italian government. What do you think about that?

Christian: Um, I haven’t heard that one before, that’s interesting…

D. J. Dan: You never heard that… The thing is, the Italian government put a gag order on every one of Enzo Valenzetti’s personal papers, they have actually have not allowed them out—so, I generally believe that Enzo Valenzetti at the ripe old age of 80-god-knows-how-many-years-old-he-is is sitting in some classroom in Italy, writing on a whiteboard, figuring out stuff like the end of the world, which I don’t know what they do with it… hell, if I dunno what I’d do if I knew when the end of the world is, I’d probably just get a lot of doughnuts…that’s what I would do, just me, and a bunch of Berliners. That’s right, me in a wall bunker with doughnuts. That’s me, Al right dude… You know what… thank you for your call… You know what? Now that we’ve talked a little about Valenzetti, everyone knows that Valenzetti is somehow linked with my sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music)The Hanso Foundation. (Electronic voice)

D. J. Dan: Folks, it is just high tech night here at D. J. Dan, that’s what I’m talking about… Let’s talk about, let’s talk about this Sri Lanka video that’s making the rounds… ‘cause I find this very interesting. I mean, I want your calls. I want to hear about this Sri Lanka video. If you’ve got comments about this Sri Lanka Video, call me 800-942-4704. There’s glyphs, there’s fragments, they’re out there, We’re beginning to hear more and more about it. I mean, I’m finding this really fascinating, and the fact that the DHARMA acronym stands for Department of Heuristics and Applied research into Materials Application and the fact that the Valenzetti Equation—and look, frankly, it’s just as likely that Valenzetti was caught in the wheels of his combine on his family farm in the Swiss Alps. I’m not going to say that’s true, but, you know what? That’s the one I like best, because it warms my heart. Folks, Mittelwerk, in this video, Thomas Werner Mittelwerk the chief technologist of my sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) …The Hanso Foundation… (Grunting voice)

D. J. Dan: …says that they have to stick to their story. What is this story? I want to know what the story’s about? And what is that logo in the top of the film? O.K., like you’re watching the beginning of the film. It looks sort of like a Berliner, and then like a sort of munchkin next to it… you know, the little doughnut holes. But that’s me, I’m sure that’s not what it means, folks. Mr. Beardy, who is he? Some people think he’s Alvar Hanso, some people think he’s too soft around the chin to be Alvar Hanso…who is he? Do we know? And the Vik Institute has verified a figure. What kind of figure is that? Folks, I don’t think we’re talking about Elle “The Body” McPhereson here, O.K. There is a figure out there that is known to no one out there but The Hanso Foundation and the Vik Institute. What is this figure? Folks, I want to hear your calls 800-942-4704. And, before we do that, a lot of people sent me emails this week; I want to answer some of them. Let’s go to another edition of…

Announcer (Johnny): D. J. Dan’s Mailbag.

D. J. Dan: That’s right. Danny’s got a brand new bag! De-de-de-de-de-de-de! Oww! Alright folks, D. J. Dan Mailbag, whataya got?

Tonya: From Sean…

D. J. Dan: (In a bad Scotish accent) From Sean. Sean. We have an email from Sean…

Tonya: “For what reasons were the US government of the late 60's experimenting with the effects of barbershop music on livestock...”

D. J. Dan: Actually, this probably the most serious thing I'll say, ah, during this podcast… Everybody knows that, ah, harmonies have a, ah, harmonic effect on the frequencies of the brain and they can be used exclusively for mind control. That's what MK-Ultra was about, you heard LSD, that's wrong. It's really about barbershop quartets, folks, frilly shirts and vests, that's what the CIA was about in the 60's, you heard it here first. What else you got?

Tonya: Uh, from Sean again.

D. J. Dan: (In a bad Scotish accent) Sean.

Tonya: "Are the following people really dead?"

D. J. Dan: Uh huh, ready.

Tonya: "Bruce Lee"

D. J. Dan: Uhhhh, dead

Tonya: "Elvis Presley"

D. J. Dan: Still alive. I, I had breakfast with him about four days ago, he looks great, he's on the Zone.

Tonya: Wow

D. J. Dan: Yeah

Tonya: Alright, "JFK"?

D. J. Dan: Uhhhh, like I said, "The Kennedy Suicide". How many times do I gotta repeat this, folks!? Who else do we got?

Tonya: "Gary Troup"?

D. J. Dan: Uhhhh, sadly Gary Troup dead in that true life narrative Bad Twin. I think we all understand he died, he sent the book over, we're reading the book. Folks, it says in the book he's dead and, as you know as I do, I believe everything that is printed. What else do we got?

Tonya: "Paul McCartney"

D. J. Dan: Paul McCartney, uh, Paul is dead.

Tonya: Oh, alright

D. J. Dan: Yeah, sorry to hear that, it was horrible, I saw it, it was terrible, I was there.

Tonya: How about "Hugh McIntyre"?

D. J. Dan: Hugh Mc… ah man, Hugh. Geez, can we have a moment of silence for Hugh? Lets have a moment of silence for Hugh. You know what?! Lets, can we please have a little dead air for Hugh Mcintyre.

(2 seconds of dead-air)

D. J. Dan: Horrible what happened to that man, but you know what?! He turned it around, became a good man at the end. We feel really bad for Hugh McIntyre. You know what?! I'm shutting down this mailbag! Shutting down the mailbag! Shutdown!

Tonya: Alright.

D. J. Dan: Alright folks, we shutdown the mailbag. I had enough of this "dead, living, dead, living". It's depressing. O.K., ah, so before we take the next call, I'd like to talk about something that is very dear to my heart, a little something I like to call...

Announcer (Johnny): You Can't Buy It.

D. J. Dan: That's right folks, You Can't Buy It. These are items that are sitting in the government archives, next to the Ark of the Covenant, folks. They are sitting in the government archives with the lost ark. The government doesn't want you to have these things, O.K. folks? What are they! The Inexhaustible Light bulb. Folks, everybody knows there is a light bulb that was made in the 1900's it is still burning. So what happened? Why did Thomas Alva Edison take so long to perfect the light bulb? I'll tell you what, he wasn't perfecting the light bulb, he was perfecting a light bulb that would burn out soon enough that you would have to buy more light bulbs!

Announcer (Johnny): Can't Buy It!

D. J. Dan: Can't Buy It!

Announcer (Johnny): Can't Buy It!

D. J. Dan: That's right, folks. "The Perpetual Motion Car" That's right, there is such a thing and I think you've all heard the story and if you haven't, then let me tell you the story O.K.? Little old lady, 65-years-old, recently retired, husband's dead, kids are out of the house. She says, "I'm gonna buy myself a sports car." That's what she says, so she goes to her nearest dealership and she picks out the sportiest little car she can find in the dealership, takes it home. Six months she drives this car, doesn't change the oil once, doesn't fill the tank up once. Folks, its not an electric car, she doesn't plug this car in, she just drives it for six months without ever going to the gas station, alright? Six months go by, she thinks, "Hey! You know what, I haven't changed the oil or put new gas in the car, maybe there's something wrong with the car? I'm gonna take it to the dealership." She goes there and everyone receives her as a hero. They go "Lady! This is fantastic! Thanks for bringing the car back! You can have any car in the lot!" She drives out in a brand-spanking new Cadillac. That night, she tells her son what she's done. Folks, the son says "Oh my god, Mother! What have you done! Six months no gas!" They go back to the dealership, the dealership is gone! The guy who sold her the car is dead! The car dealership is gone, burned to the ground! Folks, that's the Man! That's how they take it away from you! You can't buy it!

Announcer (Johnny): Cannot buy it.

D. J. Dan: You cannot buy it.

Announcer (Johnny): Never

D. J. Dan: No, that's right folks. "The Magnetic-Floating Bed" Ah, never mind about that. uh, "Permanent Self-Tanner" folks, that's in the government archives with the ark of the covenant, based on years of experimentation by George Hamilton. "Un-Soggable Shredded Wheat." Folks, that's right, they got it, it stays crispy, they don't want you to have it.

Announcer (Johnny): No Can Buy-o.

(Tonya laughs)

D. J. Dan; that's right, The "Never-Melt Ice cubes", (Laughs) you can't buy that either, folks.

Announcer (Johnny): Nope

D. J. Dan: And Finally, "The World Dictator Facial Hair Fun Kit". Nope! To dangerous, folks.

Announcer (Johnny): Can Not Buy It!

D. J. Dan: You can't buy this stuff, folks! I feel like taking a call. I feel like taking a call! Tonya, give me a call!

Tonya: Line seven, David from Dallas, Texas.

D. J. Dan. David from Dallas, Texas. David, are you there?

David: Yes, this is David.

D. J. Dan: Excellent. David, uh, your from, from Dallas?

David: Yes.

D. J. Dan: I'm clairvoyant, folks! Can I get a witness!

(Tonya laughs)

Announcer (Johnny): Testify.

D. J. Dan: That's Right. David, what do you got for me?

David: Uh, hey D. J. Dan I was… I'm enjoying the show tonight and I was wondering if you listen to any other podcasts or shows about the Hanso Foundation?

D. J. Dan: Uh, actually, you know what, I have to stay pure, my friend. That is one of the great things about being D. J. Dan, you know? This stuff just comes to me from the ether! I could listen to a lot of other people and other theories, but the fact is, I get it all, I hunt it down, I bring it right back to you. I don't get it from other people. You're getting straight from the cranium of D. J. Dan and not from the clutches of my sworn nemesis...

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation.

D. J. Dan: Now tell me, David, are there podcasts that you like? Is there anybody that you want to... you know what, I'm going to let you plug… I don't let people plug on this show, but you, you can plug on my show. Who do you want to plug?

David: Hey, I just want to say that, uh, you know there's a great website out there called SaveJoop.com. I would love to hear Johnny say "Save Joop" one time....

D. J. Dan: You know what, we live, we… Joop should be saved. I believe in SaveJoop.com, I have seen that website cause I'm on ta internets, my friend…

Tonya: (Laughs)

D. J. Dan: Johnny, can you give it to us!.

Announcer (Johnny): Save Joop at www.SaveJoop.com!

D. J. Dan: Folks...

David: Alright, Johnny, thanks a lot. I'd also love to say that there is another podcast that's hunting down....

D. J. Dan: No, no, no, no, you just get the one plug, I'm gonna shut- shutdown!

David: Alright.

Announcer (Johnny): One plug limit

(Tonya laughs)

D. J. Dan: That's right, you can only show one thing here at D. J. Dan, O.K. Now, I love Save Joop as much as the next guy. He's my favorite 105-year-old Orangutan and I want him saved. I want him saved as I want to be redeemed myself, can I get a witness?

Unrecognizable voice: Witness!

Tonya: Witness!

D. J. Dan: That's right, folks, but I got to tell you, you only get one plug here at D. J. Dan, O.K. folks? That's all I'm gonna say about that. We're gonna take another call before we go to another song. What do we got?

Tonya: We got line four.

D. J. Dan: Uh, yes, I know we have a line four, but who's on it?

(Laughter)

Tonya: Wish Resigned from Springfield.

D. J. Dan: (over Tonya) Wish Resigned, wow.

Wish Resigned: Hey!

D. J. Dan: Is this Wish Resigned from Springfield?

Wish Resigned: Yes it is.

D. J. Dan: Uh, Wish, why is your name Wish Resigned? What's up with that?

Wish Resigned: Well, that actually a screen name on The Fuselage.

D. J. Dan: Oh, you're a fan of that insidious television show Lost! The one that shows from my sworn enemy...

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foun….. (Sinister voice cut short by caller)

Wish Resigned: (Talking While Johnny is talking) I didn't say I was a fan, I said...(inaudible)

D. J. Dan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't cut Johnny off.

(Tonya and Wish Resigned laugh.)

D. J. Dan: You just... (High-pitch) Oh my god...

Announcer (Johnny): Springfield is testing my patience!

Wish Resigned: Dude I'm sorry...

D. J. Dan: Dude, we're going to try that one more time, and if you, if you...

Announcer (Johnny): My air time!

D. J. Dan: I'm gonna, I'm gonna have to shut you down. O.K., lets try that again. Ready, O.K. Uh, can you take a deep cleansing breath with us please.

(Sound of two or three people taking a deep breath and exhaling.)

D. J. Dan: Here it goes my sworn nemesis...

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation (Sinister voice.)

D. J. Dan: You know, Johnny, you look peaked. It's like, it's like he took it, it took it out you, didn't he?

(Tonya Laughs)

Announcer (Johnny): Which Springfield?

D. J. Dan: Oh my god, I'm so sorry, look what you've done to Johnny. You know, you better ask your question quickly cause I don't know how long this is going to last.

Announcer (Johnny): I want his address.

Wish Resigned: Alright, alright. My question for you, D. J. Dan, is this, On the Fuselage, we're talking about the Hanso Exposed website. The glyphs, the movies and stuff...

D. J. Dan: Yeah, we know all about this, the movies, the glyphs...

Wish Resigned: ...in the number, there's a missing glyph, glyph number 29…

D. J. Dan: Oh?

Wish Resigned: ...and I know that your connected with community, maybe you could give us a hint of where to find it?

D. J. Dan: You know what, I'm already giving you hints to where your going to find at least one glyph. You're gonna get more hints tonight, I'm gonna have to shut you down. Shutdown!

Wish Resigned: Nooooo....

D. J. Dan: Folks, D. J. Dan is giving you the straight poop, I'm giving you information, you're gonna be getting it, at least, at least one glyph. You're gonna know where to find it after this broadcast is done. I've already told you its in gonna be in a major American metropolis. I've already told you it gonna be in a very public place, and I've already told you it's not gonna be on ta internets, O.K., but I feel like taking another call before we go to another song. Who we have, Tonya?

Tonya: On line two, we’ve got Brian from the OC.

D. J. Dan: Wow, that's how we do it in the OC, bitch. Brian! You there!

Brian: Yes I am.

D. J. Dan: Alright, awesome. Are you sick and tired of hearing that line?

Brian: Uh, yes I am.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, me too. O.K., well, let's hear that question, what you got for me?

Brian: Hey, um, I was actually wanting to know, um, on one of your earlier podcasts you had, uh, received a threatening call from the Hanso Foundation.

D. J. Dan: Oh yeah, that little troll, yeah, what about that?

Brian: Well, uh, I wanted to know...

D. J. Dan: Now wait a second… Actually, and I want to say that actually, but there is no, there is no...the one thing people track down... is prove that that guy is from the Hanso Foundation. Now, here's the thing, I have seen those guys in their little lime-colored overcoats, hanging out around my studio on occasion, but I don't know that guy was even from the Hanso foundation, but it was frightening that he knew the color of my Jeep, that's all I'm saying.

Brian: Yeah...

Announcer (Johnny): He has no neck

(D. J. Dan and Tonya laugh.)

Brian: Well, I was just wandering about that situation. What do you think?

D. J. Dan: Well, like I said, what happened was that guy threatened me on the line, I shut him down, O.K., however, um, soon thereafter I found myself being stalked by members of the Hanso Foundation and you can tell ‘cause they wear those lime-green overcoats are all over the damn place, O.K.? Anyway, we went underground and, as I explained in a big monologue that was actually written down for me earlier this week, uh, we went out, we were out there, getting into adventures, we were out there in the underground. That's why you didn't see podcasts for a while, man; I was running away from the foundation. Look, they may be tracking down the studio right now and I'm sitting here telling you stuff I said thirty minutes… No! Shutdown! Folks, D. J. Dan does not like to repeat himself. You know what, we're gonna go to another song and we're gonna be right back taking your calls, 1-800-942-4704, shuttin’ down the man.

The song "Redemption Song" by Bob Marley and The Wailers plays.

Singing: D. J. DAN…

Monster.com advertisement plays.

Singing: D. J. DAN…

Announcer (Johnny): From the inner ring in Farmer Gray's crop circle, it's Shutting Down The Man. Once again; everybody loves him, D. J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: Folks, I am indeed D. J. Dan. And here's my question: when you post your resume on Monster.com, is that a nanotechnology monster?! Ooooooh! I'm so scared. It's frightening. Oh god! It's a monster made out of nanites. Folks, folks, you know what, um, I'm sorry, you know, I'm D. J. Dan Shutting Down The Man and I got to tell you, when I think about Shutting Down The Man, I think of a little of, uh, a little bit, a little thing that I have that I like to call....

Announcer (Johnny): Random acts of Shutdown!

D. J. Dan: That's right, folks, random acts of Shutdown, possibly my favorite segment in the world. Heck, I would even shut myself down if it wouldn't cause rips in the space-time continuum. Schro-...Schrodinger's cat, folks. Schrodinger's cat. Time Cop, folks. Rent it, watch it, learn the splits, alright? Guys, if your fans of mine, which I know you are, then you know the drill. Random acts of Shutdown, caller who last the longest wins, and you all know the rules. As crater faces the distant thunder road, the only rules, is that there are no rules. Caller one!

Tonya: Wait! Wait… Dan…

D. J. Dan: What?

Tonya: D. J. Dan, hang on a sec.

D. J. Dan: What, what is it dear Tonya?

Tonya: D. J. Dan, we've got a...

D. J. Dan: Shutdown! I told you Tonya, no rules.

Tonya: I see that.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, O.K., what do you got?

Tonya: D. J. Dan I've got a caller says this is urgent, and he’s got a really, really weird voice.
D. J. Dan: Oh, maybe it's that Javier Grillo-Marxuach guy, ever hear that guy talk, it's like walking into a helium factory. Gravy grilled, uh, go ahead.

Malik (The Fixer): Hello, g'day D. J. Dan. Sorry to interrupt; I've got a very important message for Rachel.

D. J. Dan: You know you sound very familiar. uh, your talking about Rachel like, uh…

Malik (The Fixer): Rachel Blake, Persephone, Rachel. I think you know who she is.

D. J. Dan: Yeah I do know. You know, you sound just like the guy in her video blog...

Malik (The Fixer): Rachel...

Tonya: Um, Malik?

Malik (The Fixer): Rachel...

Tonya: Malik?

D. J. Dan: Malik? From the Vi…

Malik (The Fixer): Rachel, are you, I pray you're listening. That piece of paper I handed you had contact information for me, you need to get in touch.

D. J. Dan: I think he's just going to talk over us.

Tonya: Yeah?

D. J. Dan: I think he's talking to Rachel.

Tonya: Malik, is this…?

Malik (The Fixer): Very… listen very carefully to what I have to say, I've used a cipher I indicated beneath the contact information.

D. J. Dan: There's a cipher?

Malik (The Fixer): I think it's appropriate considering the controversy raging around you.

D. J. Dan: Tonya, I, this is spectacular, this is the guy from the…

Malik (The Fixer): Here's, here's the message.

Tonya: Can you just say, are you Malik?

Malik (The Fixer): 240…

D. J. Dan: 240?

Malik (The Fixer): 249…

D. J. Dan 249?

Malik (The Fixer): 68…

Tonya: Alright, I'm writing this down, D. J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: Write this down.

Malik (The Fixer): 61, 37, 118…

D. J. Dan: This is spectacular, I've never s…

Malik (The Fixer): 75…

D. J. Dan: It must be like some sort of cipher or something.

Malik (The Fixer): 233, 231…

D. J. Dan: Are you getting that Tonya?

Malik (The Fixer): 150…

Tonya: Yeah, yeah but…

Malik (The Fixer): 36…

D. J. Dan: Maybe it's like Bible code or something.

Malik (The Fixer): 184, 184…

Tonya: It's like Morse, but with numbers.

Malik (The Fixer): Excuse me…

D. J. Dan: Yeah.

Malik (The Fixer): Excuse me! After 36, it was 184.

D. J. Dan: Wow.

Malik (The Fixer): 157…

Tonya: I'm following you.

Malik (The Fixer): 51, 144…

D. J. Dan: 144.

Malik (The Fixer): 180…

D. J. Dan: 180.

Malik (The Fixer): 253…

D. J. Dan: This is incredible.

Malik (The Fixer): 50…

D. J. Dan: Oh my god.

Malik (The Fixer): 173, 30, 222…

Tonya: Is he gonna tell us what that means?

Malik (The Fixer): 192, 13, 82 and 1.

D. J. Dan: Alright, that, that, is that it? Is that the message?

Malik (The Fixer): That's all.

D. J. Dan: Wha, wha, what does it mean? What, I mean, what kind of a code is it? What is this?

Malik (The Fixer): I'm sorry Rachel, this is Malik. I can't explain, there's nothing I can say, anymore than that…

D. J. Dan: Shutdown!

Tonya: D. J. Dan! Why did you do that?

D. J. Dan: Oh, uh, I'm sorry Tonya. It's random acts of shutdown right? That's the shtick, isnt it? I gotta shut the guy down, when he's giving the really important message.

Tonya: How are we gonna find out the message?

D. J. Dan: Ok, folks. Let's just take a call right now, cause that was really spooky folks. I hope you got all those numbers down cause that sounded important to me.

Tonya: Oh, man.

D. J. Dan: I'm sorry, Tonya. Okay, so no doughnuts for me is that what we're talking about?

Tonya: Pssss.

D. J. Dan: Folks let's uh, let's, let's, let's take another call, 'cause that was just spooky, he
sounded like Darth Vader, there's some guy breathing heavy. I don’t know… He sounded like that guy in the video blog, he really did.

Tonya: I, I really think it was that guy Malik.

D. J. Dan: I think it was. I.T., I'm being stalked by I.T., that guy, I'm telling you. You know what, let's take, I want to hear a call. 1-800-942-4704, and before we take this call, Johnny's going to say something here, he’s going to give you the name of the company that’s broadcasting me illegally tonight. And what is that company called?

Announcer (Johnny): Harvest, (laugh) Har… uh, (Laughing)

D. J. Dan: Alright, Tonya has fallen off her chair folks, this is horrific. (Laughs)

Announcer (Johnny): Radio Harvest, your internet radio.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, off-book he doesn't do well folks. On the book, he's fantastic; he literally sits on the thing. It's incredible.

Tonya: I promise we took the juice away a while ago.

D. J. Dan: I know, I know. When he's on book he’s five inches taller, it's amazing. O.K. (Laugh) O.K. we're going to take some of your calls.

(Laughter)

Announcer (Johnny): Laugh it up, fuzz ball.

D. J. Dan: Hey, hey, hey, no, this on goes there, that one goes there. Folks! Alright folks. We're gonna, we're gonna take another call. Who do we got Tonya?

Tonya: Line seven; we've got Aaron from Baton Rouge.

D. J. Dan: Aaron from Baton Rouge, are you on?

Aaron: Yes.

D. J. Dan: Alright, so uh, you, you, you ask, I answer. Let's hear it.

Aaron: Well, I was wondering, what do we know about this island? I mean, Rachel got there, she videotaped something, she obviously got back safe. Did she come back on the same quarantined ship that got there? Why is it quarantined? What are we, what are we…

D. J. Dan: What, O.K., What are we, what are we talk… O.K., wait a minute, wait a minute, the ship is quarantined? I mean look, look, my feeling is, in the quarantine areas, they probably have the people from the Vik Institute right? I mean if you had a bunch of savants running an equation you probably want to take them where ever you go. They're very entertaining savants, you know like, "Yeah, Valenzetti Equation, Valenzetti equation, yeah, yeah, Yeah Valenzetti equation, yeah." (D.J. Dan does his Rainman imitation.)

Aaron: (unintelligible) …make it out in time?

D. J. Dan: Uh, make it out, what do you mean? Did Rachel make it? I think, you know Rachel is out there. If she hadn't made it out on time she wouldn't have been at Comic-Con, she wouldn't be putting glyphs out there O.K.. Rachel is O.K., Rachel is good, Rachel is alive. But she's underground and she has no phone number folks. I don't have it you don’t have it. What, I mean, what do think, what do you think happened, happened on the island? Whattaya, whattaya, what's your take on that?

Aaron: Well, I mean, we know it's something with this Valenzetti and that equation. Are they just, did they move their institute? Were they getting too much heat, maybe in Iceland? Um…
D. J. Dan: Ha ha ha. Were they getting too much heat in Iceland? I don't think they were getting
any heat in Iceland at all folks. But, but, seriously, the thing about my sworn nemesis…

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music)The Hanso Foundation. (Sinister voice.)

D.J. Dan: …is that their moves and motives are cunning and devious and dark. We have no idea what they're doing down there, I think Rachel is really going to bring that to light for us once the last of those glyphs come in folks. That's what I'm talking about, and by the way, uh, Aaron, do you have anything else you wanted to ask me is there anything else you wanted to say?

Aaron: Well, what can we do? I'm a member of a group called DOTS and we want to help out you and we want to help out…

D. J. Dan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're a member of a group called, uh...

(Sound of quacking duck in background)

D. J. Dan: Called Ducks or Dots?

Aaron: DOTS! D.O.T.S.

Tonya (talking over Aaron): Aflack?

D. J. Dan: And what's that stand for?

Aaron: We are Defenders Of a site called the Tail Section.

D. J. Dan: Ah, excellent, the Tail Section, ah, that's right. So you're chasing tail, that's what you're trying to tell me right?

Aaron: I can only hope, I can only hope.

D. J. Dan: Shutdown! I love you man, I just did that cause I was feeling it on the inside but you know I love you, okay? And you know what, if you're out there and your chasing tail but, preferably your chasing glyphs, is what I would rather see you do.

Announcer (Johnny): Chasing the glyph.

D. J. Dan: That's right, if your chasing the glyph let me give you another hint about where that glyph's gonna go, O.K. The city in question: Hispanics might call it, "La Manzana Grande", that's right, "La Manzana Grande". Folks, if you know where "La Manzana Grande" is, if you know what tourist spot in that major American metropolis you might just catch this glyph on Monday. Let's take another call actually, I wanna hear the voices of the people out there who are helping us fight the good fight.

Tonya: Alright, line one. Jeff from Ohio.

D. J. Dan: Jeff from Ohio, Jeff, what you got... Jeff are you there?

Jeff: Yes.

D. J. Dan: Okay, let’s hear it, what you got for me Jeff, from Ohio?

Jeff: O.K., first off I'd…

D. J. Dan (singing over Jeff): "You know why, oh why oh why oh. Why did we ever leave Ohio?"

Jeff: Because of the snow.

D. J. Dan: (laughing) Alright, let's hear it.

Jeff: O.K., first off I just gotta say I've been lovin' the show so far.

D. J. Dan: Oh, thank you, very much, we appreciate it, and you know who appreciates it more than anybody?

Jeff: Hmm?

D. J. Dan: Well, Luis the roadie is actually very excited about it.

Luis (The Roadie): Loving it!

D. J. Dan: But, Johnny, Johnny, can you express your appreciation?

Announcer (Johnny): Lovin' the callers.

(Laughter)

Jeff: And I'm actually eating a doughnut right now.

D. J. Dan: Oh god, what kind of doughnut are you eating?

Jeff: It's a jelly doughnut.

D. J. Dan: It's a jell… Is it a Berliner?

Jeff: Oh, You know it, eh.

D. J. Dan: Alright you know what…?

Jeff: O.K., now I gotta say, I am not trying to um, while I appreciate what Rachel Blake is doing because your evil nemesis must be shut down.

D. J. Dan: You don’t mean my arch nemesis...

Announcer (Johnny): (Ominous music) The Hanso Foundation (In Darth Vader style.)

D. J. Dan: Alright let's hear it.

Jeff: Yes. Um, I'm a little bit suspect of her in one respect.

D. J. Dan: Uh huh?

Jeff: And before you shut me down and I want you to shut me down, let me, let me get through this real quick.

D. J. Dan: Oh, I'm gonna shut you down, you'd better get to it.

Jeff: O.K.

D. J. Dan: I'm feeling it.

Jeff: Oh, oh I understand.

D. J. Dan: Let's hear it.

Jeff: Persephone, when she first starts, what did we get but a series of really obscure clues leading…

D. J. Dan: Yeah yeah, hacks, hacks. She's on the website, she's getting stuff up there yeah, yeah. So no, no, no, look, I know her, can I just pre-empt you on this O.K.? ‘Cause I think I know exactly what... you're going to say: "How could somebody who's able to put up all these obscure clues on the internet, somebody who's able to just go out there and hack the site and do all that flash and do all of that stuff. All of the sudden, she seems to be somebody just who's on the web doing these video blogs.That's what your going to tell me right?

Jeff: Well, not only that but also the fact but O.K....

D. J. Dan: Shutdown!

Jeff: Thank you.

(Laughter in the studio)

D. J. Dan: Folks, you now hackers, I know hackers. Tonya, you know hackers?

Tonya: Oh yeah.

D. J. Dan: Johnny, do you know about hackers?

Announcer (Johnny): Love to spoon with the hackers!

D. J. Dan: That's right my friend (Laughter) alright. Hey, Luis, you know the hackers?

Louis: Uh, yes.

D. J. Dan: Folks, folks, we all know about hackers. These are people who sit in basements, alright, hackin' stuff. They're in the computer; they're wizards at that kind of stuff, alright. Now all the sudden this woman Persephone, A.K.A. Rachel Blake, in my opinion, gets out the world and all of a sudden we're criticizing, for what? For not being good on television, folks she's Rachel Blake she's not Art Carney, she ain't Richard Linkletter O.K. I don't know what you people want alright? So she's not, so, so, so, I mean literally I mean it's like all the sudden we're being graded on public speaking? The woman can hack flash for the love of god! And you want her to be there and be the captain of the debate team?

Tonya and Johnny: (Laughter)

D. J. Dan: She's honest, she's sweet, she is out there giving us a piece of her heart. I don't think we need to undermine her by saying that somehow her hacking skills make her video blogging incompatible. Folks I'm tired of this, I'm gonna shut myself down. Shut me down! God I love it when I shut me down, it's fantastic. Alright folks, uh….

Tonya: I do too.

D. J. Dan: We're gonna take one, uh, one more call. And then, uh and then I got something to tell you about your pets. That's what I got, let's hear the next call.

Tonya: On line six, your absolute favorite fan, Fenris from England.

D. J. Dan: (In a bad English accent) Fenris from England! Fenris, you're live, are you on the line?
Fenris: Yeah, I'm here.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, I, I, I, so, so you think I'm Peter Thompson? Are you nuts?

Fenris: I don't know about that, I don't know where you got that impression.

D. J. Dan: (Laughing) Oh right, well, I don't know I think I might have seen something on ta
internet my friend. Fenris, you got a question for me? I want to hear it, what's up?

Fenris: I do, uh, you've been after the Hanso Foundation for quite a while now, right?

D. J. Dan: Yes I have, I have indeed. I'm a life long member of the, of the Anti-Hanso Foundation club, that's me. It's like the Hair Club for Men, only completely different.

Fenris: (Laugh)Yeah. I was wondering what, what got you first on to the Hanso Foundation, were they poisoning doughnuts or something?

D. J. Dan: Uh, what has the Hanso Foundation done to me personally?

Fenris: Yes.

D. J. Dan: Well let me tell you something about it. The Hanso Foundation hasn't done anything to me personally aside from the lime-green coated guys who came out to get me. Folks… what… yeah…

Fenris: (laughs)

D. J. Dan: Folks, let me, let me, let me tell you about the Hanso Foundation guys O.K.. Here's why I hate… here’s why I wanna, wanna go after them. O.K., O.K., the truth is, these guys don't have to offend you personally, O.K., so maybe you know it's not about a hatred of Scandinavian people or anything like that folks, what it's about, O.K., is that these guys are putting commercials out there saying, "We're reaching about for a better tomorrow." O.K., they're reaching out, is it a better tomorrow for us? Is it for you? Is it for me? Is it for Tonya? Is it for Luis? I don't know, O.K.? All I'm saying is when I start seeing all this… organ theft! O.K.? Stolen organs and I'm not talking, I'm not talking Hammonds here, O.K.. (Sound of beating heart) I'm not talking about Steve Windwood and the Spencer Davis group, O.K.? I'm talking about human organs, O.K. I'm talking about savants, trapped in a building, running some cockamamie end-of-the-world equation. I'm talking about, I'm talking about monkeys that are being kept against their... I'm talking about unnatural, ungodly life extension. Do these people have to offend me personally for me to wanna to go after them? I don’t think so. Um, uh...

Fenris: That's what's up.

D. J. Dan: Fenris, Fenris, um, there’s, there's a question I'd like to ask you. Is that O.K.? Fenris? Are you there?

Fenris: (mumbles) Yes.

D. J. Dan: Would you mind if I shut you down? Shutdown! Folks, come on, come on. We all know what the Hanso foundation is all about. We don't have to, we don’t have to get into why we hate them, we have to get into how. How do we take them down? Folks O.K. it's time now for uh, a little something I like to call…

Announcer (Johnny): (frog ribbiting) How to bug-proof your pet.

D. J. Dan: That's right folks. Let's hear that again, because I love that.

Announcer (Johnny): (frog ribbiting) How to bug-proof (Laughter) your pet.

D. J. Dan: It's a little known fact that Johnny has a pet frog, uh, that actually uh that…

Announcer (Johnny): Lars.

(Laughter)

D. J. Dan (More laughter): Lars actually is kept in a cage on a chain around Johnny's neck. It's surreal, if you've never seen it. Folks, you know. Now more than ever your pets are subject to scrutiny by the forces of evil, I'm talking about government; I'm talking about global conspiracies O.K. folks. So, you need to bug-proof your pet. You need to make sure that your pet is not, is not acting as a listening device. How do you do it? Well, number one… Always sweep your pet with a metal detector when he/she/it comes back from a long day of running, playing, catching. That's what I'm talking about. Chasing birds, steeple chasing, whatever your pet does, sweep the pet with a metal detector, O.K.? If you have fish, might be a little more difficult but try, very important. Never, ever fall asleep to your cats purr. One word… Hyp-nosis, is that two words? I don't know, Luis? O.K., folks, try fashioning a custom tinfoil suit for your pooch or kitty cat. If you have a hamster, that might be a little bit difficult ‘cause it's hard to get the tin foil around those little spindly legs. But, I promise you, I promise you, you will thank me for that in the morning, O.K. Try the cell phone trick. If your cell phone reception improves when you move near your pet, that's right, your pet is bugged. If your cat or dog opens its mouth to bark of meow and a human voice comes out, going "Ah, should I answer that?" Chances are… bugged. Or as Johnny likes to say…

Announcer (Johnny): (Pause) Not paying attention.

(Laughter)

D. J. Dan: Johnny, put down the Scotch! Holy Buckets, man, you're killing me.

Announcer (Johnny): I'm liquored up.

D. J. Dan: Now you ask… what if it's too late? What if my pet is already wired up for sound? Alright, here's three things you need to do. Any crimes you want to commit, yeah, don't talk about them to anybody, O.K. Don't discuss you criminal activity with your bugged pet. That's just common sense 101, O.K.? I never say anything around my pet that I don't want anybody else to hear that's what I'm saying. Whack yourself in the head with a tuning fork, O.K. Whack yours… It's like pretty much the answer to anything around here at D. J. Dan, O.K. Whack yourself on the head with a tuning fork and then hold the tuning fork near your pet. O.K.? That's what I'm saying, O.K. it confuses the hell out of the listeners. And finally, try switching your pet to a high fiber diet if you catch my drift. Often times they make your pet swallow the bug. And if that doesn't work, I got two words for you, intestinal lavage. Folks, I am taking your calls here 800-942-4704. I'm D.J. Dan, I gotta song I'm gonna play for you. I gotta do some business, we're gonna come back and take some more calls, let's hear that song!

The song "Rainy Day Woman # 12 & 35" by Bob Dylan plays.

Singing: D. J. DAN

Jeep Compass advertisement plays.

Singing: D. J. DAN

Announcer (Johnny): From the Easter egg of disc seven of your DVD box set, it's D. J. Dan,
Shutting Down the Man!

D. J. Dan: Oh, I'm Shutting it Down. Shutting it Down all over the place, my friends. I've never shut anything down like I'm Shutting this Down, before. But folks, before I do that I want to remind you, of how it is that you're getting this illegal, underground radio broadcast. Johnny, can you give it to me?

Announcer (Johnny): Radio Harvest. You're internet radio and home of the D. J. Dan Show.

D. J. Dan: Folks, I was going to talk to you about the mythic beastie of the day or as Johnny likes to call it...

Announcer (Johnny): Mythic Beastie, of the day.

D. J. Dan: But folks, do you really want to hear me talk about the mapinguari? I don't think so! No, we're ripping up the script, my friends. We got calls, we got calls stacking up, backing up! They're all over the place so folks; you know what I'm going to do here? I'm going to take a couple more calls, O.K.? You ask, I answer. Give me another call. Who do we have Tonya?

Tonya: Line seven; we've got Bree from Holland.

D. J. Dan: Bree from Holland, Bree, are you live on the line?

Bree: I'm here, I'm waiting.

D. J. Dan: God bless you, Bree. Let's hear it, what is your questi... How is the weather in Holland, right now?

Bree: The weather in Holland is actually beautiful. It's all the better for getting through to you D. J. Dan.

D. J. Dan: Ohhhhhhhh, my heart is all-a-flutter, Bree. You made me such a happy man. I'm weeping, Johnny, am I crying?

Announcer (Johnny): You are babbling like a little girl.

D. J. Dan: Tears of joy, Bree, what do you have for me tonight?

Bree: D. J. Dan, I do have some information, I'm a real conspiraspy.

D. J. Dan: Do you now, what information is that, let's hear it.

Bree: D. J. Dan, I found a book.

D. J. Dan: Yes?

Bree: A small black book.

D. J. Dan: Yes.

Bree: And it was written by a T. W. Mittelwerk.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, you know what? Shutdown! Folks, Thomas Werner Mittelwerk doesn't have time to write books, folks. He does not. He is Mister Evil. Captain of Evil, Sultan of Evil, Maven of Evil, Aficionado of Evil. Folks, Thomas Werner Mittelwerk is out there committing evil! He doesn't gotta write anything down, he dictates. You know what I'm talking about, I think you do. Let's take another call.

Tonya: Line fourteen, Chris.

D. J. Dan: Chris, you're on line fourteen. Chris where you at?

Chris: Hey, I'm in upstate New York.

D. J. Dan: You're in upstate New York, excellent.

Tonya: Cooperstown.

D. J. Dan: Cooperstown.

Chris: Yeah, Cooperstown.

D. J. Dan: That is the, uh, home of the, uh, the hall of fame isn't it?

Chris: Damn straight.

D. J. Dan: Very exciting. You know I'm a direct descendant of Abner Doubleday, inventor of baseball?

Chris: You're not!

D. J. Dan: I am absolutely not! I am lying to you through my teeth. Folks, what do you got for me?

Chris: Well listen, I was wondering, two things.

D. J. Dan: Yeah, Yeah.

Chris: First, have you heard about SHADE and and how do you feel about them?

D. J. Dan: Have I heard about whom?

Chris: SHADE.

D. J. Dan: SHADE?

Chris: Yes, Shade. S.H.A.D.E.

D. J. Dan: Have I heard of Shade?

Chris: They're Conspiraspy United.

D. J. Dan: Ahhhh, ha ha ha. Are these fellow Conspiraspies? I'm very excited about them, what's your second question?

Chris: Excellent, have you heard about Sissy French Fry and how do you feel about her?

D. J. Dan: Sissy French Fry? Let me tell you something about Sissy French Fry. There are about fifteen seconds of Sissy French Fry that are some of the finest cinema that I've ever seen. Shutdown! Don't call me about movies. Who do I look like Roger Ebert, for the love of god, man!

Tonya: Ha, ha, ha.

D. J. Dan: We're shutting down the man and you want to know what I think of Sissy French Fry? You what I...

Announcer (Johnny): Thumbs down.

D. J. Dan: No, no, no, There's about fifteen seconds of Sissy French Fry that get a...

Announcer (Johnny): Thumbs.. Thumbs Up!

D. J. Dan: Yes, they're on YouTube, look 'em up. Alright folks I'm going to take another call right here. Who do we got?

Tonya: Line one. Dawn from Phoenix.

D. J. Dan: Dawn from Phoenix, before I, uh, Dawn are you there? Dawn from Phoenix?

Tonya: I think Dawn just hung up.

D. J. Dan: Ahhh, Dawn. Dawn, are you there? (Singing)We miss you dawn, oh yes we do. Let's go to another call.

Tonya: Line three. Chuck from Austin.

D. J. Dan: Chuck from Austin. Chuck are you there?

LHorse007: (Loud static feedback pulse)

Everyone: Whoa!!

Tonya: Whoa Chuck.

D. J. Dan: Feedback pulse just melted the brain over Luis the D. J. Dan Roadie. He's lying on the floor, dying. Chuck are you there?

LHorse007: This isn't Chuck this is LHorse007.

D. J. Dan: This is whom?

LHorse007: (Static) LHorse007.

D. J. Dan: O.K., I have the worst connection in the world. I can't hear a word you're saying. Let's try to hear your questions.

Tonya: Are you saying you're Alvar?

LHorse007: (Static) I have a question.

D. J. Dan: Yes. Let's hear your question.

LHorse007: I want some information on where Joop is, because we're trying to save him and stuff.

D. J. Dan: Uh, they're trying to say, uh, I'm sorry I lost you there. ...find information on whom?

LHorse007: (Static) On Joop.

D. J. Dan: Joop! We've talked about Joop, we're going to save Joop, we've gone to savejoop.com, I'm wearing a Save Joop T-Shirt right now, Shutdown!

Announcer (Johnny): Folks, please don't call D. J. Dan from a shoe phone.

D. J. Dan: That's right folks. O.K. look, cordless, wireless, cell phone, call me! Don’t use the shoe, my friend. O.K. folks, you know what, I'm going to give you a fourth hint about that glyph. Monday, major metropolis, la manzana grande, its going to be in a touristy place, it's not going to be on the internet, folks. The location where the glyph will be shown rhymes with "Fresh Air." Wow. You can rename me Captain Obvious on that one folks. Monday, Fresh Air, yeah O.K.. Folks, um, you know, ah, I think... uh, Tonya, what's, what’s that sound Tonya?

(Ghost sounds in the background)

Tonya: Uh.

D. J. Dan: Tonya, that's so weird.

Tonya: It sounds like it's coming from above.

D. J. Dan: Great Caesar’s ghost, I think we all know what that means, conspirispies, I think it's time for our...

Announcer (Johnny): Area 51 Update.

D. J. Dan: Alright folks we're on the line, we got 'um on the line with one of our real patriots, my friend. Tonya, I think you know who I'm talking about, it's one of our real patriots. It's the guy we all know and love, our good ol' friend, Marvin the Earthling.

Tonya: Love Marvin

D. J. Dan: Marv.

Marvin: Earthling is right D. J. Dan. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not one of those green, evil, space killers.

D. J. Dan: Uh, that's right Marv. You're not. The only red dust Marv's ever touched was on the quarter panel of his mom's 1984 silver Chevy Impala. Ain't that right Marv?

Marvin: How'd you.. I never.. Told anyone that?

D. J. Dan: Good Man, Marvin! Yeah, Marvin, Where you at?

Marvin: Well, D.J. Dan, I'm in a little town called Rachel, Nevada.

D. J. Dan: You're kidding? Rachel, Nevada?

Marvin: No, I'm serious Rachel Nevada. Right on the edge of Nevada State 375, the extraterrestrial highway. Three miles from the place they call Dreamland.

D. J. Dan: You're living in dreamland. You want to run away. If you can figure out what that's a reference to, put that on the fuselage. For those of you who don't know, Dreamland is fine, attractive land owned by the US Government in Nevada. Attractive land that contains an airstrip, am airstrip that sees a day in, day out steady stream of UFO traffic. That's right people I'm talking about Area 51, Watertown strip, Paradise Ranch, Groom Lake, the farm, the detachment, you know what I'm talkin' about. It's ET central. You know what's happening in ET central Marv?

Marvin: Not all that much D. J. Dan, I had my camera confiscated.

D. J. Dan: Your camera was confiscated? Oh my god, Marvin.

Marvin: I was.. I think.

D. J. Dan: Marvin, I bought you that camera, Marv. O.K. O.K.

Marvin: I thought some of these cows were kinda funny… Their spots looked like they were spelling some sort of alien alphabet.

D. J. Dan: Wait, the spots on the rancher's cows were... looked like some sort of alien alphabet?

Marvin: Sir, yes, sir.

D. J. Dan: And you got photos?

Marvin: Oh, tons of um.

D. J. Dan: What about the camera?

Marvin: Well it's not exactly in one piece.

D. J. Dan: Oh, Marv, Marv, Marv.

Marvin: It wasn't my fault, man.

D. J. Dan: Wait, Are you running right now? Is that what’s going on?

Marvin: We'll I'm, uh. No. Not exactly. There's some guys who I think might be chasing me.

D. J. Dan: Well, what kind of guys?

Marvin: (Heavy breathing) Well, hold on a sec. O.K. Also, there's this um, symbol burnt into the ground. Right by the barrier. On the left side of the barrier next to Dreamland.

D. J. Dan: There's a symbol in the ground.

Marvin: There's a symbol burnt into the ground.

D. J. Dan: And you shot a picture?

Marvin: Well, camera.

D. J. Dan: The camera. The one I bought you that got smashed by the alien encounter.

Marvin: I kinda remember what it looked like. I'm doing a line drawing of it right now.

D. J. Dan: Fax it over Marv!

Marvin: O.K.. I am… Hold on a second…

D. J. Dan: Oh my god,

Marvin: I'm hitting send right now…

D. J. Dan: O.K, O.K..

(Knocking).

(Screaming (Lots of "Marvin!")).

D. J. Dan: Marv, Marv, Marv! No, Marvin! No! Oh god! We freed Marvin. Our spy from area 51, but Tonya is that fax coming in? Are we getting the fax?

Tonya: Uh, yeah, I see something coming through.

D. J. Dan: You know that looks like one of those glyphs. Doesn't it?

Tonya: Yeah it does.

D. J. Dan: Its got got a numerical code on the bottom. Oh my god! You know, if this was television, I'd ask you to hold that up in front of the camera, but this is radio. You know what I'm going to do, I'm going to tape that… It looks like one of those glyphs; I'm going to tape it to the front door of Radio Harvest. If you can find the building that we're in, that glyph will the taped to the front door by the time this show is over and you can check out that glyph… That's the second glyph I'm giving folks, I'm giving you a hint about fresh air, la manzana grande, Touristy place, New York City, Monday, where you will be able to see a glyph. We've got a glyph right here, in the studio, we're going to tape it to our front door and you’re gonna get a chance… you can come here and get that glyph if you can figure out where this studio is. And it's not just a studio it's a company and its called...

Announcer (Johnny): Radio Harvest. But don't knock.

(Laughing)

D. J. Dan: Folks we are taping the... Can we get someone to tape that glyph over there, right now? I want to make sure that whoever gets in goes to get that. All right folks, you know, you ask I answer, folks. I've got answers to all of your questions, I'll take a couple more calls and then I'm going to shut everybody down. If you're on the line, stay on the line, I'll shut you down personally. This show is getting on the road. Tonya give me a call.

Tonya: Line two, Kinetic from Pittsburg.

D. J. Dan: Kinetic from Pittsburg. Let's hear it.

Kinetic: Hey...

D. J. Dan: Now, are you truly kinetic? I mean are you in perpetual motion? Are you like an electron or perhaps a proton? What are we talkin' about here?

Tonya: Do you have gold teeth, Kinetic?

Kinetic: Kinetic?

D. J. Dan: Are you indeed Kinetic from Pittsburg?

Kinetic: No?

D. J. Dan: Oh my god that...

Announcer (Johnny): It's Pittsburg from Kinetic.

Kinetic: Find some good screeners man.

D. J. Dan: Oh my god that riff was for naught. Screeners? Do we even have screeners? Folks, this is an underground broadcast, what do you got for me folks? Let's hear it.

Kinetic: I want to know who I can trust these days, D. J. Dan?

D. J. Dan: Ha, ha, ha.

Kinetic: Tell me who I can trust, I want to know who can I trust?

D. J. Dan: There is only one thing in this world you can trust, my friend. There is only one true thing that is a constant for each and every one of us and that is... Shutdown! That's right folks, trust no one! The man in black said it, the cigarette smoking man said it, and I’m telling you trust no one. The only person you can trust is that beautiful, mellifluous, mechanical, sound that says, I've thrown you off the airwaves. Let's take another call, who do we have?

Tonya: Line eleven, Steven from Missoura.

D. J. Dan: Is this actually Steven from Missoura? Are you live with D. J. Dan?

Steven: Yes, I am.

D. J. Dan: Oh my god, we actually got it right. That's outstanding. So, what do you got for me?

Steven: Well, D. J. Dan I got a conspiracy to propose to you man.

D. J. Dan: It's been about three hours since I got a proposal.

Announcer (Johnny): You make the conspiracy!

Steven: Well, here’s something we’ve been talking about… What if Alvar Hanso isn't a real person?

D. J. Dan: What if Alvar…?

Steven: What if it's just a name plate? What if he's just a face that they put the Hanso
Foundation to?

D. J. Dan: Well, well, who do you think is guy in the building? The wonderful modernistic building in Narvik.

Steven: Well, who do you think is in the video?

D. J. Dan: Well, I, Uh.

Steven: That's what I'm saying. What if it's two different people? What if we got multiple people playing Hanso Foundation people, what if someone hasn't been found…

D. J. Dan: So basically, this whole conspiracy, is some sort of Scandinavian version of the movie Dave? Where Kevin Kline plays the president, and then plays a garment salesman that looks like the president? I don't think so, Shutdown! Folks, come on, life ain’t a movie! If anything life is a radio show and a damn fine one. You know what, let's clear out the phone lines. We're almost at the end here. If you've been hanging out on the lines, I think you deserve to be shutdown personally. Gimme, gimme somethin’!

Announcer (Johnny): Rapid fire shutdown!

D. J. Dan: That’s right folks, I’m shutting you down. Who do we have on the line?

Tonya: Line four, Paul from Santa Monica.

D. J. Dan: Paul is that you?

Paul: Huh?

D. J. Dan: Is that you Paul?

Paul: Yeah.

D. J. Dan: Shutdown!

Paul: What?

D. J. Dan: O.K. (Laughter). It's rapid fire shutdown, if you’re on the line that’s all I can give ya at this point, it's just a beautiful, lovely, constant of the deal of a shutdown. Gimme another line.

Tonya: Line two, Matzah, from the DOTS.

D. J. Dan: Er, Matzah from the DOTS.

Matzah: Hello?

D. J. Dan: Yes, shutdown! Alright let’s get another one here, who else do we have here?

Tonya: Line seven, Garrett from Tulsa.

D. J. Dan: Garrett from Tulsa, are you on the line?

Garrett: Yes I am.

D. J. Dan: Shutdown. (Laughs). O.K.

Tonya: Line sixteen, Monty from San... something.

D. J. Dan: Monty! Are you on the line?

Monty: I am indeed.

D. J. Dan: Shutdown!

Announcer (Johnny): Thanks for staying up.

D. J. Dan: Who else do we have?

Tonya: Line ten, Lauren from Fort Myers, Florida.

D. J. Dan: Fort Myers. Lauren are you there?

Lauren: Yeah, what’s up? How you doin?

D. J. Dan: Lauren I’m really sorry that I have to do this to you but I’m running outta time and I gotta shut you down, shutdown! OK, who do we have next?

Tonya: Line six, Dark Mark and with Rachel Blake’s refugee from San…

(Loud static)

D. J. Dan: Oh Lord, oh my god. No…

Announcer (Johnny): Shut you down!!!

D. J. Dan: Shutdown! That’s right, who else do we have?

Tonya: Line nine, K. M. Duke, from San Francisco.

D. J. Dan: K. M. Duke, are you there?

K. M. Duke: Just…

D. J. Dan: (Sings). Shutty…Shuttydown. I’ve shut you down now. (Laughs). O.K. and finally.

Tonya: Line five, Jose

D. J. Dan: Jose, where are you from Jose?… Jose are you there?

Jas: Er, this is actually Jas.

D. J. Dan: Who?

Tonya: Oh Jas!

D. J. Dan: Jas!

Tonya: I’m sorry Jas.

D. J. Dan: Jas I’m so sorry we macerated your name like that, especially since I have to (sings), shut you down! Folks, folks, folks, you know what, I’d, I’d like to get to a little something that I like to call, “Where is Alvar?” You’ve all heard me say where is Alvar, I think I wanna play…

(Pounding on door can be heard.)

D. J. Dan: Oh my god.

(More Pounding and knocking on door.)

D. J. Dan: There’s somebody knocking on the door folks! What the hell’s going on?

Man’s voice: D. J. Dan and Tonya. We’re…(inaudible)

D. J. Dan: Oh my god. I’m looking out the window, and folks, they’re wearing those pastel colored suits. Oh my god, it’s the Hanso Foundation. They’re here at Harvest Radio. Oh my god, Tonya grab the…amp… (static) Johnny grab the mics… Reese shut down the AC… (static) Leonardo pack the… easel up… Luis turn off the camera… Simon where’s the van…Julie get the espresso maker. Folks, I’m D. J. Dan, they’re coming after me. Shutdown the man! Rachel Blake never lose faith. Ladies and gentlemen, I am out of here. I’m D. J. Dan! Tonya, Luis, Johnny.
Shutting Down The Man!

Announcer (Johnny): On Radio Harvest.

Outro music plays.

Open mics can be heard under the outro music.

Runing length: approximately 1 hour and 48 minutes.